I Don’t Know Anything (But I Know I Miss You)

Emily hated that she felt so nervous, that the sheer thought of bringing a friend home made her hands shake and chest pound. She had carefully planned so that her mother wouldn’t be home — planned for one of her bingo nights where she wouldn’t come dragging in until well after midnight.

There was a knock at the door and Emily felt her stomach flip, willed the feeling to go away because this was Jennifer, her friend, not Aaron. She opened the door, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of her lips that immediately fell from her face because wow, Jennifer looked so different outside of school and soccer.

Her hair was still pulled into its trademark ponytail, but she was lacking the sportswear Emily normally saw her in. She was wearing jeans, skinny enough to cling to every defined curve and muscle, with a faded band tee and holy shit, Emily felt her heart speed up at the way it hung off of one shoulder.

“Jennifer… hi.”

She wanted to kick herself for how ridiculous she sounded, shook her head in an attempt to ward away the blush she felt creeping up on her face. She tried not to be weird, not make this another big thing, to at least have one real friend this year.

“You don’t have to call me by my full name, we’re friends. Everyone calls me JJ or Jayje, even coach Rossi.”

Friends. It was almost a foreign concept to Emily, never allowed to forge relationships of her own — not without her mother’s direct approval, at least — but now she was nearly an adult, just under a year away from being able to leave home and find true freedom, make her own decisions whether her mother liked it or not. She mulled the idea over in her head, small ghost of a smile tugging the corners of her lips upwards, looked down at the floor before Jennifer could notice.

“Then I’ll call you Jen.”

“Jen... I like it. No one else calls me that.”

JJ smiled at her, a little lopsided half smirk that made Emily’s stomach do somersaults and she had to look away before her face heated up in another blush. She turned on her heel, sock sliding against the marble flooring before motioning first JJ to follow her up the stairs to her bedroom.

Emily was hit with a sudden wave of nervousness when they entered her room, realized that other than children of her mother’s socialite friends, she had never had a friend over. Her stomach flipped in a wave of nausea, unsure of if she was overdressed for the occasion in her argyle sweater and collared shirt, if her room was clean enough.

“Just make yourself comfortable somewhere… and you have your textbook, right?”

“Yeah, right here.”

JJ set her bag down on the desk, pulling her textbook and notebooks out before glancing around the room. It was nearly all white, from the furniture right down to the ivory bedding with light grey accent pillows. It looked almost like the room wasn’t lived in, like Emily had never so much as sat on the edge of her bed, and the thought of having to live so pristine made JJ’s heart ache. She was brought from her thoughts when Emily cleared her throat, perched on the edge of the armchair in the corner of her room.

“So, how much do you know?”

“Not enough.”

—————

It felt like they had been studying for days when it had only been a few hours, and JJ wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t know enough. Emily was shocked she made it this far in French, only having retained basic words — she had to start at the beginning, conjugating verbs, much to JJ’s chagrin.

“I need a break.” JJ moaned, hand running through her hair, slightly askew from her nervous twirling.

“Me too. I can’t believe you were never taught how to conjugate être verbs.”

“Not all of us had the pleasure of picking up the language from locals in Paris.”

JJ’s tone lacked the bite Emily was used to from most classmates, a small smile playing on her lips instead. She closed her textbook, straightening her back and letting out a soft sigh. It felt like she was never going to grasp the material, let alone pass French this year.

There was a beat of silence between them, Emily chewing on her bottom lip in contemplation as she looked at JJ, curiosity etched into her features. Somehow, after only spending a few hours around Jennifer alone, Emily felt so free with her — like she could say or do anything with no judgement.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

She could see a faint blush coloring JJ’s cheeks, lips turned upwards in a confused half smile — like she didn’t entirely understand but she wanted to. Her brow was furrowed, head cocked, watching Emily carefully as she dug through her bedside table’s drawer, watched the way Emily’s cherry red lips turned upwards in a sly smile when her fingers wrapped around something, pulling out a glass bottle wrapped in cloth.

Emily carefully unwrapped the bottle — a fifth of her mother’s whiskey — a mischievous smirk on her face. This was something she had never dared do with anyone else, not even Aaron, but somehow Jennifer felt different.

“What’s that?”

“Whiskey. From my mother’s personal stash. Have you ever gotten drunk?”

She knew JJ had been present at countless parties — donning her grass stained, sweaty jersey, flushed face broken out into a huge grin — but couldn’t recall if she had ever carried a cup with her, always driving herself home at the end of the night. Emily had always watched her from afar, admired the way she smiled so unrestrained — knew she was Aaron’s best friend and found herself slightly jealous at the way they could both be so happy, so free.

“Not really… I’ve had a drink or two.” Her face was pinkening, eyes downcast as she tried to look anywhere but Emily.

Emily was cool, in a way that JJ would never be. Sure, she had friends that loved her, but she would never be popular like Emily and Aaron. The whole school parted for them when they walked down the hall linking arms, head cheerleader with her quarterback boyfriend.

“Do you want to?” She waved the bottle for good measure.

“Yeah, sure, but I can’t drive home and my mom will kill me. Especially after Ros…”

“Stay, then. My mom won’t mind. Trust me, she’ll just be happy that I have an actual friend.”

JJ narrowed her eyes at Emily, face morphing into a look of morbid curiosity. She had always thought that as head cheerleader and resident student body president, Emily’s social calendar was jam packed — now that it was on her mind, it occurred to JJ that she didn’t seem to have many friends outside of her extracurriculars, and never stayed long at parties they had both attended.

“Are you coming or not?”

Emily stood at the bay window, curtains swaying around her in the cool evening breeze. She nodded her head towards the open window, gestured towards the roof with the glass bottle when JJ only stared blankly at her.

It was Emily’s ritual of sorts when life got too overwhelming, her mother too overbearing to handle, and part of her felt so naked and vulnerable sharing it with Jennifer. Emily smiled back at her, a gentle, shy smile curving her lips upwards when she watched JJ cross the room and stand in front of the window — climbed out onto the roof and held her hand out for Jennifer to take.

“Do you do this a lot?”

They were settled side by side on the roof, Emily wiggling her sock covered toes in the evening air. The sun was starting to set, casting the neighborhood below them in a pinkish orange light. It felt as though they were on top of the world in that moment, even before the liquor — untouchable and free, something Emily had never let herself feel with anyone except for Aaron.

“Yeah. I come out here to breathe.”

She uncapped the bottle, took a swig of the amber liquid and tried to mask her grimace at the somewhat pleasant burn in the back of her throat. She still wasn’t used to the sensation, tried to choke back her sputter and cough, settling for a loud clearing of her throat before passing the glass bottle to JJ.

“I don’t take anyone else out here.”

“Not even Aaron?”

“No. Not even Aaron. He wouldn’t understand.”

Jennifer nodded and made a small sound, something Emily couldn’t place, before taking a swig from the bottle. She tried not to pull a face at the burn from the straight liquor, having only ever tried mixed drinks and wine coolers at parties — only enough to enjoy the subtle sting at the back of her throat and fuzzy feeling running through her veins, never enough to get drunk.

She coughed and passed the bottle back to Emily, felt her lips twitch upwards into a soft, gentle smile at the way their fingers brushed — found herself idly wondering why Emily would drink alone on her roof and not at the numerous parties she was invited to. The more JJ thought about it, she came to the realization that Emily didn’t seem to have many friends — not school friends, at least — furrowed her eyebrows quizzically as she watched her take a swig from the bottle, eyes trained on the houses below them.

“Why are you like this?”

The words fell out of Jennifer’s mouth before she could think about it, before she could craft a tactful sentence — couldn’t even blame the alcohol, having only had two long pulls from the bottle. Her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes still watching Emily’s eyes as she watched the sunset over the neighborhood — every house the exact same, made the same way and the same red brick — watched the way Emily’s expression morphed from sadness to curiosity, turning to JJ with her eyebrows knit together in a look of confusion.

“Like what?” Emily looked over at JJ then down at her own clothing, wondered if she was too much or not enough — used to the sad reality that she would never be perfect, not in this lifetime.

“I can’t explain it, it’s just the way you are.” She paused for a moment, watched the way Emily’s face fell at her words. “It’s not a bad thing, though.”

The way she was — it was a foreign concept to Emily, to be anything resembling the person she was inside, having been carefully trained and sculpted to be exactly what her mother wanted from a young age. It was like a second chance at Elizabeth’s childhood, doing all of the activities and extracurriculars that she had always wanted to do but never had the time for. Emily had long since accepted that she would never be enough for her mother, and too much for her peers.

She took a long sip from the bottle, what could amount to a couple of shots worth of liquid, before tearing her eyes from the rapidly setting sun. She looked over at JJ, her head tilted, wondering if Jennifer would tell anyone — decided that she wouldn’t, probably wouldn’t even tell Aaron.

“This? Me? It’s all my mother.” She passed the bottle back to JJ, pressed the cold glass into her hand, intentionally letting their fingers brush again. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

JJ hid her reaction in a chug from the bottle, head spinning momentarily as the burn seemed to radiate from her throat to her stomach, then down her arms. It was a pleasant sting, made her smile a little wider and relax a little more, laying back on the sloped roof before nudging the bottle back to Emily.

“Explain.”

“Try living in your psychotic mother’s mold for a day, I promise you my life won’t seem as glamorous anymore. I have to do everything exactly the way she wants me to. Head cheerleader, student body president, straight As, date the star quarterback.”

“Little miss perfect.” JJ mused aloud. “And you don’t want that?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know?”

Emily laid back, joining JJ and staring up at the stars that were starting to peek out from behind daylight. She took another long pull from the bottle, felt her head getting fuzzy and cloudy. She wasn’t sure how to articulate how she felt, wasn’t sure how to tell JJ that she was jealous of her life — of her parents that let JJ be who she wanted to be with no judgement or anger, supported her in everything she did.

“Let’s change the subject, then. Ask me something.”

She was grateful for JJ’s ability to read the awkwardness of the situation, for changing the subject. Emily didn’t know what to ask, a million questions racing through her mind. She stared up at the moon with so much concentration that she nearly went cross eyed, let out a small puff of air before looking over at JJ.

“Why didn’t you date Aaron? Why aren’t you trying to steal my boyfriend?”

JJ let out a laugh, a breathy lilting sound that almost sounded like twinkling to Emily. She shook her head, snatched the bottle back and took a long sip before clearing her throat, waiting for Emily to look at her.

“Two reasons.” She watched the way Emily’s brow furrowed, nervous fluttering stirring in the pit of her stomach. “The first being that you’re my friend, I would never steal your boyfriend”

“And the second?”

“I’m not really interested.”

“In him? You guys have chemistry. I thought you two were dating for the longest time.”

She laughed at the way JJ’s face contorted into a grimace, shaking her head before staring back up at the stars. There was a silence between them for a few moments, and Emily cleared her throat in hopes JJ would remember what she was saying.

“No, in boys in general.”

“Oh, so you don’t want to date right now?”

The thought puzzled Emily, having always been taught the importance of beneficial relationships to her societal status. Yes, she loved Aaron, but she came to love him only after the start of their mutually beneficial relationship. Even though it wasn’t exactly who her mother wanted, the head cheerleader dating the star quarterback was good for her reputation.

“No, I do want to date — just not boys.”

Emily’s face contorted even further in confusion, eyebrows knit together and lips pursed with a question she couldn’t find the words to ask. She had heard of girls dating girls, but it wasn’t widely acknowledged where they were from. The concept wasn’t foreign to her, but it especially made sense given the person JJ was — soccer star JJ dating girls just made sense to her.

“Emily, I’m gay.”