Same Mistakes
Chapter 12 –Same mistakes
So we play, play, play all the same old games
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change
And we take, take, take it for granted that we'll be the same
But we're making all the same mistakes
It was finally the end of a long and exhausting week. It was cold and Nicole felt like her fingers could fall off her hands at any second. She had worked outside all day and the snow didn’t help one bit. She quickly grabbed her backpack in the maintenance room and left the place silently. She didn’t want to risk meeting Carl somewhere at the GRU because he could always find something else to do.
She arrived home and shivered. The place was freezing cold. Even after she turned the heat on it felt cold in there. It was a Friday night and Nicole hated those days. She hated Fridays even more on cold days. Everything looked gray and sad, and she felt completely alone.
Looking around the living room, Nicole spotted a picture of Waverly and her that the brunette insisted on putting on a frame and placing it over the shelf. She wanted to spend the night with her, but she knew that the entire Earp family was going to Willa’s for dinner that night, so she couldn’t bother her friend. The redhead started to feel her anxiety grow. She knew that feeling all too well, it was like an old friend, always there for her. It was the desire for something that could make her feel numb, something that could help her forget her misery and her shitty life. She glanced again at the Waverly from the picture and lowered her eyes. The brunette would feel so disappointed if she knew Nicole was thinking about using something again.
Inside her pocket, Nicole felt the coin Wynonna had given her for her 30 days clean weighing a thousand pounds. She ran her fingers over the round surface and it was like her whole body was failing her. If she went after Jonas, he could easily give her something to calm down. However, the cost of it would be over a month of hard work and commitment.
Nicole sat alone, in the quiet of her house and wondered how long would it take her to admit that she couldn’t do this by herself. With a resigned sigh, she picked up her phone.
“Hey, Haught.”
“Hello, Wynonna. Can you talk for a moment?” Nicole bit one of her nails.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I am not bothering you, am I? I know you are going to Willa’s tonight.”
“Not at all. I’m waiting for Alice to choose her outfit,” Wynonna said. “What is going on?”
“Is Waverly with you?”
“No. She went to Willa’s straight from work. Why?”
“Well… it… it isn’t a good day,” Nicole stuttered. “I don’t feel good. I think I’m going to break.”
“Where are you?”
“Home.”
“Do you have any drugs or alcohol with you?” Wynonna worried.
“No.”
“Alright. I’m on my way there, okay? I’ll just put some clothes on Alice and I’ll go to your place. It won’t take long, alright? I promise.”
“I don’t want to take you out of your way,” Nicole said.
“You won’t. I’ll be there in a blink of an eye. Do you trust me?”
“I do.”
“Okay, so I promise I’m on my way. Just wait for me. Don’t leave your house. Can you do that for me?” Wynonna asked.
“I can,” Nicole felt a hint of hope in her heart.
“Good. I’m going to you, Nicole. Just keep repeating your mantra, your motto.”
“Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway,” the redhead said with her eyes closed.
“That’s it. Keep repeating these words. I’m on my way,” Wynonna said and then hung up.
“Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway. Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway,” Nicole started to repeat to herself alone, in the dark, while she waited for her friend to arrive.
With a loud pop, Waverly opened the bottle of wine she had bought for them. She poured two glasses and put one in front of Robert and another in front of Willa.
“Are you sure you don’t want any help?” Waverly asked while she poured one glass for herself.
“There is no need for that, kid,” Robert smiled while he chose the best carrots in the basket.
“Just sit back and relax for once,” Willa told her.
“Okay then,” Waverly said without ever taking her eyes from the red liquid inside the glass.
“Alright, kid. Say it,” Willa grimed. “Whatever it is going on in this brilliant brain of yours.”
“I’m just thinking about how some things can be so light and petty for some people, but life-changing for others.”
“Is this about your girlfriend?” Willa asked and Robert stopped chopping the vegetables.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” Waverly explained to him.
“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it,” the oldest Earp told her husband.
“Oh, I thought I hadn’t been updated on the situation,” he said. “How is she doing with her recovery?”
“She is doing great,” Waverly replied, proud of her friend. “She’s every day closer to her 60 days clean.”
“That is really good, Waves. Nonna told me she is getting stronger and back to her normal self,” Willa add.
“Wynonna is helping her a lot.”
“I never thought your sister would work with this,” Robert confessed. “But now that I think harder, helping people is the only thing that Wynonna could do in her life.”
“She’s a hero,” Waverly stated.
“A very late hero,” Willa teased.
“I think she heard you,’ Robert signed out the window to the truck that parked in front of their house.
“I’ll open it,” Willa stood up.
“Evening everyone,” Dolls walked inside the kitchen with Alice by his hand.
“Hey, where is Wynonna?” Waverly noticed that her sister was not following them.
“She had to make a quick stop,” Dolls explained. “But she’ll be here in no time.”
“Where did she go?”
“She went to see Nicole,” Alice said while she climbed up the chair.
“What? Dolls… Why?” Waverly worried.
“I don’t really know, Waverly. But Wynonna will explain everything when she gets here,” he replied.
“I think I’ll go there and check on them,” Waverly looked around trying to find her purse.
“I don’t think you should do that, kid,” Willa rested one hand on her sister’s shoulder.
“Why not?”
“I have a feeling that she’s not there as Nicole's friend, but as her sponsor,” Willa sighed. “Am I right, Dolls?”
“You are. I believe Nicole was in some kind of crisis. But she did exactly what Wynonna told her to do, so I think everything will be just fine.”
“Are you sure?” Waverly felt like her throat was closing.
“Definitely,” Dolls eased her. “If Wynonna needs us, she will call. She always does. Don’t doubt it.”
Once Dolls stopped in front of Nicole's house, Wynonna jumped off the car and almost ran to her friend. They agreed that she could go by herself to Willa’s, so they wouldn’t expose Alice to whatever was happening to Nicole. Wynonna didn’t waste any time knocking, she just turned the door handle and got in. She looked around, and although she couldn’t see her friend, she could hear her pacing inside the house.
“Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway,” Nicole continued to whisper.
“Nicole, I’m here,” Wynonna announced.
“Okay, okay,” the redhead sighed relieved. “Hey, Wynonna.”
“Let’s sit down a little bit, shall we?”
“Yeah.”
“You did well in calling me,” Wynonna encouraged her. “It was the right thing to do.”
“I almost didn’t. I wanted to call Jonas,” Nicole confessed. “I wanted to go to Pussy Willows. I still want to do that.”
“It’s okay to feel like that. It’s normal. Don’t beat yourself because of that,” Wynonna said. “Did something triggered you?”
“It’s been a long week and I am tired.”
“Alright. I’m sorry I didn’t attend the last meeting. I had to deliver some documents to the accountant this morning and I spend hours on that yesterday.”
“I understand. You are the boss, and there are more important things for you to do than go to meetings that you don’t need.”
“I’m your sponsor and I want to be on the meetings with you,” Wynonna said. “But yeah, not always I’ll make it. However, I trust my team there to be by your side, too. I know you had a personal meeting with Rosita and Chrissy after the group session. How did that go?”
“They make me feel very comfortable,” Nicole nodded. “Chrissy thinks that I am ready to make my personal inventory. You know… the list of the worst crap that I did and the people I hurt, so maybe they can forgive me.”
“I know. Is that making you nervous?”
“I don’t know where to start,” Nicole admitted.
“Don’t rush yourself, alright? I agree with Chrissy, you are ready for this, but don’t push too hard. It’s not like this is homework.”
“It’s definitely homework,” Nicole chuckled.
“Well, yeah, but you don’t have a deadline for it,” Wynonna bumped Nicole on her shoulder.
“Fine, fine.”
“I’ll tell you something: what if you and I make that list together? We sit together and talk about it. We choose just one thing for a day so it doesn’t get too heavy. You can even invite Waverly for that if you want.”
“Would that be okay with you?”
“Of course, Nicole. That is something that I want you to understand since the start: you don’t have to fight alone. I’m with you all the way. So is Waverly.”
“In that case, I think I’ll like that,” the redhead felt relieved.
“Good. So you’ll only start to think about your inventory when we are together,” Wynonna stated. “If at some point you feel like you don’t want us to be with you when you do it, then we’ll leave you to it.”
“Thank you, Wynonna.”
“No need to thank me. I’m glad you decided to call me and not Jonas,” Wynonna said.
“It was probably good I didn’t call him,” Nicole huffed a laugh. “I still owe him some money.”
“Is that much?” Wynonna asked.
“No. I just don’t look forward to seeing him again,” Nicole explained. “I know he’ll try to sell me something.”
“Well, whenever you plan on going to see him, I’ll go with you,” Wynonna decided.
“I think that is a lot more than a sponsor’s duty,” Nicole frowned.
“I am your sponsor, but I’m also your friend,” Wynonna stared at the redhead. Nicole seemed out of words.
“Thank you. I appreciate it. I really do, Wynonna,” she managed to say. They were silent for a while and Nicole felt grateful to be able to enjoy some moments like that with her friend once again. She no longer felt that weight inside her chest. “I don’t want to keep you from dinner with your family, and I know you are pretty late now.”
“Don’t worry about that. Are you going to be okay alone tonight?” Wynonna asked.
“I think I will. I feel better now.”
“Look, if you want, I can stay here and we can make something to eat,” Wynonna suggested. “However, I want you to be able to be just by yourself. You can’t count on other people by your side all the time. Learning to enjoy your own company can be powerful.”
“I get it. I want to do that. I’ll be fine,” Nicole said determinedly.
“That’s the spirit, Haught. I missed this attitude,” Wynonna told her.
“Thank you for coming to see me.”
“Always. I’ll go now. Baby girl must be shooting thousands of questions at Dolls,” Wynonna walked toward the door. “What do I tell her?”
“The truth,” Nicole buried her hands in her pockets. “I know it took me some time, but only the truth from now on.”
“Good. See you tomorrow, Hottie Haught,” Wynonna said, the same way she used to when they were teenagers.
“I’ll see you first, Earp,” Nicole returned with a big smile on her face.
The next morning, Nicole felt something that she hadn’t for a while. She felt brave. It was time to put down some demons and never look back. She went through her morning routine and then drove to PeaceMaker.
“Morning, Chrissy,” Nicole said as she walked through the door.
“Hi, Nicole. Good to see you. Did you come to the meeting?”
“Yes. Well, that and to see Wynonna. Is she here?”
“In her office,” Chrissy said.
“Thanks,” the redhead went to her friend’s room. “Hey, Wynonna.”
“Nicole… I didn’t expect to see you today. How was the rest of your night?”
“It was good. I came here to see if you are busy this morning.”
“I’ll attend the meeting, but I’m free after that,” Wynonna replied. “Why?”
“I want to look for Jonas and pay for the drugs I bought from him. I’d like to know if you could come with me.”
“Of course,” Wynonna agreed. “As long as you are ready for that.”
“I am. I think it’s time,” Nicole said.
“Cool. So, let’s go to the meeting and later we go find Jonas.”
The meeting that morning didn’t take long to end. Not many people went there on Saturday mornings. Right after that, the two women got in Nicole's car and went to find Jonas. The redhead let go of all of the air from inside her lungs when she shut off the engine in front of Pussy Willows.
“It’s going to be ok,” Wynonna assured her.
“Yeah. I need to close this door of my life.”
“Are you sure Jonas is here already?”
“Yes. He’s here all the time,” Nicole said.
They crossed the front door that was always open just to find Jonas eating something that looked like a sausage.
“Look who the wind brings to me this fine morning,” he said. “Haught and Earp together, that’s something I didn’t expect to see today.”
“Believe me, Jonas. It’s not a pleasure to see you,” Wynonna faked a smile.
“Well, what can I do for you today? I haven’t seen you in a while and you still owe me money,” he told the redhead.
“That’s the only reason why we are here. I have the money I owe you,” Nicole took several bills from her pocket and handed him. “There you go.”
“Always a pleasure to do business with you,” he grabbed the money and brought it closer to his nose. “I look forward to our next arrangement.”
“It’s not gonna happen,” Nicole said. “I’m clean now.”
“Let’s see how long that’d gonna stick,” he chuckled but it sounded like he was choking. “I’ll be here when you decide you wanna have some fun.”
“Listen to me, you dickhead,” Wynonna stepped in front of her friend. “You leave her alone. Don’t look for Nicole, don’t contact her, if you see her on the street, you cross to the other side. I can make your life a living hell, don’t test me.”
“Earp, your friend here is a small fish. Really, really small. Tiny like this,” he put his index finger and his thumb close together. “What do I care about this piece of trash? I have more important customers to please than her.”
“Well, did she give you all she owed you?” Wynonna asked and Jonas just nodded. “Good. We are out then.”
“I’ll see you around, Haught,” he laughed.
“Not in this life,” Nicole replied.
“Don’t listen to him,” Wynonna said as soon as they were alone in the car. “You are nothing of the things Jonas said. He’s just a son of a bitch with a big mouth.”
“Yeah.”
“I mean it. You are a good person, you are brave, and you are a hell of a fighter.”
“Thanks, Wynonna. And thank you for coming here with me,” Nicole grimed.
“Of course,” Wynonna said. “So, plans for today?”
“Not many. I think I’ll go home and see if I find something on TV.”
“Or you could take me to the Homestead and have lunch with us today,” Wynonna offered. “Baby girl was worried about you yesterday. She would like to see your face.”
“Me at the Homestead? Are you sure?” Nicole was suddenly nervous.
“Yeah, I am. You were always welcome at my house. I just didn’t want Alice to see you when you like that.”
“I understand it now. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time before,” the redhead apologized.
“Don’t worry about that anymore,” Wynonna eased her. “What do you say? Lunch at the Homestead? Waverly is cooking, but we always have some pizza in the fridge in case things go terribly wrong.”
“You are the one to talk,” Nicole turned on the car and started to drive to a road she hadn’t taken in a long time. “No one can eat what you cook, Wynonna.”
“You guys don’t have an open mind for food. It’s not my fault you all like the same boring stuff that has been made for decades,” Wynonna said while turning on the radio.
They sang all the way just like they used to do so many years ago, screaming and laughing. When they arrived, Wynonna told Nicole to wait in the living room.
“Hey, baby girl. Leave it to me to finish lunch,” Wynonna met her sister in the kitchen. “There’s something for you in the living room.”
“For me?” Waverly suspected something was out of place and couldn’t believe her eyes. “Nicole?”
“Hello, pretty girl,” the redhead opened her arms so Waverly would hug her.
“What are you doing here?”
“Wynonna invited me to have lunch with you.”
“What? She didn’t tell me anything,” Waverly looked panicked.
“We just decided that,” Nicole was a little nervous with the brunette’s reaction. “I hope that’s alright with you.”
“Of course it is,” Waverly rushed. “It’s just that I put pickles on the salad.”
“I would eat pickles every day for the rest of my life if that meant that I could have lunch with you,” Nicole said.
“Smooth talker,” Waverly pushed the redhead playfully.
“Only with you.”
“Yeah, yeah. I was worried about you yesterday.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It was a hard day.”
“But you didn’t…” Waverly wandered off.
“No, no, I didn’t,” Nicole showed her sobriety coin proudly.
“You can call me too, you know? When you are having a bad day.”
“I don’t want to let you down.”
“You won’t. I just want to be by your side when you need someone, just like I know you wouldn’t hesitate to do whatever it was necessary to help me.”
“You are right. I would do anything for you,” Nicole stated.
“I want to be that person for you, too,” Waverly held the redhead’s hand.
“In that case, I could use your help with an assignment Rosita and Chrissy gave me. It’s almost like homework,” Nicole said.
“Oh, I love homework,” Waverly clapped her hands excited.
“Don’t I know it?” The redhead giggled.
“Hey, you two love birds, food is ready,” Wynonna showed just her head in the living room. “Alice, come down, lunch is ready!”
“Come on. You don’t have to eat the salad,” Waverly told Nicole.
“You are the best, Waves.”
When they sat around the table, Nicole noticed that Waverly put their chairs impossibly close. She knew she would never want anything different than that.
Yeah that's what crazy is
When it's broken, you say there's nothing to fix
And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay
While you're making all the same mistakes
Don't look back
But if we don't look back
We're only learning then
How to make all the same, same mistakes again