Falling
Chapter 4 – Falling
I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame
But the drink and my wandering hands
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left
The cold breeze hit Nicole in the face when she arrived at Shorty’s. She noticed her hand trembling in anticipation when she touched the handle to open the door at the bar. She put just half of her body inside; she wanted to see who was there. Then she approached the counter and sit there alone.
“Hi, Kate. Is Doc here?”
“Hello, Nicole. No, he is not here.”
“Bring me a bottle of whiskey, please,” the redhead said relieved and Kate sighed loudly.
“Are you sure about it, Haught?” Kate asked, holding a bottle in her hands.
“This is a bar and I want to drink. I have the money to pay,” Nicole frowned her brow. “I’m not a child.”
“Alright then,” Kate poured the first shot. “You know you can come here to drink when Doc is here.”
“No, I can’t,” Nicole signed so the other woman poured her another shot. “He has the biggest mustache in human history but it’s still not big enough to keep his mouth shut.”
“You are a big girl and you can decide for yourself,” Kate ventured a smile. “Please remember that we just want to help you. All of us.”
“I don’t need anyone’s help,” Nicole drowned the whiskey without even noticing it. “Leave the bottle when you away.”
Drinking one shot after the other, Nicole allowed her mind to wander back to her happiest days.
(2010)
She had just put on her gloves and she was running her hands all over her stick, like a ritual before the game. Inside the locker room, her teammates were talking to each other to prepare for the match. The coach had already made the pre-game speech to motivate all of them.
The team lined up at the aisle and waited for the other one to stand there next to them. Next to Nicole stood a blond girl she knew ever since she had started college. Even if they didn’t play at the same team they were kind of acquaintance because of the many times they had played against each other.
“Are you ready to eat the ice from my skate today, Haught?”
“You would love that, wouldn’t you Shapiro?”
“We’re going to crash you guys tonight,” the blonde girl said. “You know it.”
“You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better,” Nicole smirked. “But we both know that’s not true.”
“I think there’s a scout from the Whitecaps here tonight,” Shapiro whispered so only Nicole could hear her.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, pretty sure. I recognized her from one of their practice that I watched last summer.”
“So, who do you think she came here to see?” Nicole anxiously asked.
“What do you think?” She asked ironically behind her helmet. “You and I, of course, Nicole.”
“The manager from Pride called me the other day,” the redhead admitted.
“Well done, Haught! This is just the start.”
“For both of us, Eliza. We better give them a hell of a show,” Nicole smiled and hit her slightly with her elbow.
“Come on ladies,” a man behind them screamed. “Off to the ice, let’s go!”
“Good luck tonight, Eliza,” Nicole said.
“You too, Haught. No taking it easy, ok?”
“Neither of us,” Nicole gave her a final look.
The game was almost on the half of the second period and the score was a tie. The teams were giving their best and both Nicole and Eliza had already scored two goals each. The particular competition between them only helped to make the game more attractive and anyone inside the rink could guarantee that because the noise coming from the crown was almost deafening.
Nicole had the puck under her control and she was skating fast toward the opponent's goal. She was getting ready to shoot when suddenly, without she realized or even understood what was happening, she wasn’t gliding over her skates anymore, but with her body against the ice. Imposing over the sound of the crowd, Nicole heard a loud pop coming from her knee, and following it, the long mourning coming from the bleachers. A second after that it was when the redhead felt the pain. She couldn’t quite describe it, but it was like someone had tied both ends of her leg and pulled them with a thousand pounds of strength to opposite sides. Nicole screamed her lungs out.
And then there was silence. Not a single breath could be heard inside the arena. Nicole could only hear her heart pounding against her chest. She didn’t notice when three or four other players approached her to check what was happening.
“Nicole!” Eliza screamed as soon as she got close to her. “Don’t move, stay exactly where you are.”
“My knee, Eliza. I blew my knee,” she was almost crying.
“It will be okay, don’t worry. We need a doctor here! Fast!” Eliza screamed at the bench.
A few minutes later, Nicole was being carried out of the rink over a stretcher.
“It’s been quite a long time since I last saw you here in my bar, Ms. Haught,” Doc walked behind her, pulling the woman out from her memories.
“I thought you were not working tonight,” she put her hand inside her jacket to pull out her wallet. “Wouldn’t have come here if I knew you’d be around. How much do I owe you, Kate?”
“Thirty dollars is enough for what you had,” Kate told her.
“Here are fifty and I take the rest of it with me,” Nicole grabbed the bottled and walked out of the bar.
“Nicole, wait,” Doc tried, but she didn’t look back. “You know we shouldn’t encourage her to drink, Kate. Why did you let her do it?”
“One: I’m not her mom. Two: she’ll drink anyway, so I think it’s best if she does it here, where there are people who can take care of her,” Kate didn’t even blink. “I think you should call Wynonna and tell her Nicole was here. I have a feeling that she’s not going to stop on the whiskey tonight.”
“I think you are right. Excuse me, I shall go downstairs and call Wynonna right now,” he sighed sadly.
“Then Wynonna dropped all the food on the ground and if that wasn’t enough she even slipped on it,” Waverly laughed by the end of the story.
“I’d die to be there at that moment,” Willa poured them the rest of the wine that was inside of the bottle.
“What is this now? Make-fun-of-Wynonna day?” The middle sister complained.
“Oh please, like you would lose any opportunity to make fun of us?” Willa said. “Kid, did you know that she made Alice go inside Robert’s store and mess with the antiques he was preparing to sell last Christmas?”
“Wynonna!”
“Come on, baby girl,” Wynonna waved her away. “He didn’t even care. He loves to organize that old stuff.”
“It’s not old, Nonna. It’s an antique store,” Waverly protested. “They are treasures.”
“Well, did you know that perfect Willa over here broke of the vases in the store and blamed me over it?”
“I just didn’t want to hear about it for a week,” Willa replied. “And I paid you for that, Wynonna.”
“How I missed you two,” Waverly smiled.
“I’ll open one more bottle of wine,” Wynonna said. “Who’s in?”
“Not me,” Willa said. “I still have to drive back home.
“I’m out too,” Waverly said. “I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.”
“Oh, you two used to be stronger than that,” Wynonna said.
“You have to wake up early too, Wynonna. Alice will be down here in with the sunrise,” Waverly tried. “Demanding a bowl of cereal.”
“You should listen to the kid, Wynonna. She’s the one soon to be doctor,” Willa teased.
“She thinks she’s the smartest, right, Willa?” Wynonna joked. “Remember when she wrote a letter to Nedley with a list of things that should be fixed in Purgatory?”
“Yeah, I had almost forgotten that,” Willa tried to remember. “She was on what? Fourth grade?”
“Third I think,” Wynonna smiled.
“I could do a new one now,” Waverly said.
“You are one of a kind, baby girl,” Wynonna’s phone started to ring and the woman stood up to go to the living room. “It’s Doc. Excuse me. Hey Doc, what’s up? I think Alice is already asleep.”
“It is pretty late, I imagined my little sunshine would be asleep,” Doc said. “But I called to talk to you, actually.”
“What’s wrong? You sound serious.”
“I arrived late at Shorty’s today and much to my surprise I found an old friend of ours there,” he sighed. “Nicole Haught.”
“God damn it,” Wynonna replied. “Was she drinking?”
“She was. I have not seen her there in the last few weeks, but I believe she was just avoiding me. I assume she goes somewhere else when she knows I am working. She left Shorty’s already, but Kate talked to her a bit and she thinks Nicole is not going home yet. Her night is not over.”
“Fuck,” Wynonna leaned her head against the wall. “I’ll see what I can do. Thank you, Doc.”
“Always, Wynonna. Call me if there is something else I can do.”
Wynonna walked upstairs to her room and found Dolls sitting on the bed reading.
“Hey, is Alice already asleep?”
“Yes. We finished the movie and I put her to bed,” he answered. “Willa left already? I didn’t listen to her car.”
“No, they are still downstairs,” Wynonna sat at the edge of the bed.
“What is going on?” He moved so he could hold her hand.
“Doc called. I think Nicole is having a bad day again.”
“Is she at Shorty’s?”
“Not anymore,” Wynonna said. “I talked to her earlier, I think I got under her skin.”
“Where do you think she went?” He asked.
“She went after either Jonas or Samuel,” Wynonna guessed.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Can you take her home, please?” Wynonna sighed. “I don’t want her to wake up alone in the gutter. I would go, but I don’t want Waverly to notice that I left.”
“Of course. I’ll put on some clothes and I’ll look for her,” Dolls got up and after he changed, he kissed the side of her head. “You call me if you have any new information about her, okay?”
“Thank you,” she held both sides of his face with her hands and kissed him lightly.
“I love you, Wynonna. You are a good woman, don’t forget that.”
“I love you, too. Even if you are a lizard,” she smirked.
“Yeah, I’m out.”
Wynonna allowed her body to fall on her bed once she was alone in her bedroom. She knew she could do more for Nicole, but she didn’t know how to do it. Her friend never agreed to go to PeaceMaker and if Wynonna was being completely honest, she could see that Nicole was never the one to accept help from anyone.
(2010)
Wynonna was waiting for her food at the café when she decided to try calling Nicole again.
“Hey, Earp,” the redhead said from the other side of the line.
“Finally, Haught. I’ve been trying to talk to you for days.”
“Sorry, I had to deal with some things and kind of forgot my phone. What’s up? How are you?”
“I’m alright, nothing new. Now, let’s move to what really matters,” Wynonna hurried. “How are you? Your knee?”
“Fine, I guess. I had the surgery last week and doctor say it will be alright,” Nicole answered. “I still can’t put it down and I’ll do some physiotherapy next month, I think. I just want to go back to the rink soon.”
“Don’t push yourself too much, Nicole. Be smart.”
“I’ll be fine, Wynonna. Don’t worry.”
“Do you want me to go there to stay with you for a while? We could play some Mass Effect.”
“There’s no need for that, Wynonna. But, thank you. How is Waverly?”
“Awesome as always,” Wynonna proudly said. “She’ll probably be the best student BC has ever seen. I talked to her today and she said she tried calling you, too.”
“I’ll try calling her back.”
“Don’t shut us out, okay?” Wynonna plead.
“We are forever, Earp. You are stuck with me,” Nicole said and Wynonna could feel her smiling.
Eyes glued on the ground, Nicole walked one step after the other with her head down. There were some puddles on the street, but she didn’t bother to deviate from any of them. She was walking to Pussy Willows because she knew she would find Jonas there. He was always there to sell for anyone who was desperate enough to go that way and Nicole was one of those people. She hadn’t felt this hopeless in weeks. She knew that if she wanted to sleep that night, she would need some help.
Nicole was less than half a mile from the place she knew she would find Jonas when her mind went back to the breaking point of her longest friendship.
(2017)
She drove down the same country road she had been going ever since she moved to Purgatory. They had had some arguments about it, but Nicole knew that Wynonna was probably her last option at that moment.
Arriving at the homestead, the redhead saw the family in the kitchen. It looked like they were having dinner. The little girl was the first one to see Nicole and she pointed at her through the window. As soon as her mother saw her friend, she walked outside.
“Hi Nicole, I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” Wynonna said. “Come inside, Dolls made lasagna.”
“No, no, no, Wynonna. I can’t stay.”
“Nicole,” Wynonna got closer to take a better look at her in the dark of the night. “Are you high?”
“Wynonna….”
“Don’t Wynonna, me. I told you that you can’t come to the Homestead when you are high. A kid lives here.”
“I know. I know the rules. I’m not high. I’m just in a hurry, I swear.”
“That’s bullshit,” Wynonna said. “Don’t you dare to lie to me. I can tell when someone just used it and I know you.”
“Yeah, because you are saint Jesus that saves the lost.”
“I knew it,” Wynonna grumbled.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight and I’m not high, believe me. I just need to ask you a favor.”
“What kind of favor?”
“I… I need some cash,” Nicole anxiously asked. “I’ll pay you back, I promise.”
“You need a job, Nicole.”
“I’ll find one, I swear. It’s just that I don’t have Uncle Mike’s money anymore. I just need 2k and I’ll leave you alone tonight.”
“What?” Wynonna asked bewilderedly. “What kind of trouble did you get yourself into?”
“It’s just some people that I have to pay,” Nicole admitted.
“Dealers. You have to pay drug dealers. If you have the balls to come here asking me to pay for your drugs at least be brave enough to admit it.”
“Yeah, fine, you are right! Is that what you want to hear? I need money to pay Sam, are you happy now?”
“Of course I’m not happy, Nicole,” Wynonna sighed. “Please, let me help you. Let me drive you home and tomorrow we can go to PeaceMaker together…”
“No, I don’t need your pity, Wynonna,” the redhead huffed. “Do you want me to beg you? You want to feel that greater than me?”
“I’m not greater than you and I don’t pity you. You are my friend and I just want to help you get better.”
“So lend me the money.”
“I can’t. I don’t have it and even if I did,” Wynonna settled, “I wouldn't help to feed your disease. We can work pass through this together like we always did.”
“You know what? Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t have come here,” Nicole had a fire in her eyes. “You think that you are a hero, but you are nothing more than a hypocrite, Earp. You and I used to spend days drunk together and now you think you preach what is right and what is wrong?”
“That’s exactly why I want to help you because I have my share of mistakes in the past. But I’m better now, I’m happy,” Wynonna ventured a smile. “You can have it, too. I’ll go with you to find you a job and we’ll walk the first steps together until you are strong enough.”
“Save your speech for your patients at PeaceMaker, Earp.”
“It’s not a speech. I’m just trying to be your friend…”
“What friend are you?” Nicole interrupted her. “You don’t even let me go inside your house! I lost count how many times we pass out in the living room and now I’m not good enough to cross the door?”
“You’ll always be welcome to my home, wherever my home is, but you need to be yourself to do that,” Wynonna reasoned. “I have a daughter and I can’t make any mistakes with her. Alice is the best thing I ever did and I won’t corrupt her.”
“She can’t be around a piece of trash like me, right Earp?”
“That’s not what I meant and it’s not how I see you. I know you are still inside there, even if things are still a bit confused now.”
“Oh, I get it now,” Nicole took a step back. “You just want to be able to say that you saved me. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that Nicole doesn’t exist anymore. You’ll need someone else to work your miracle on. Do you wanna know something else? I won’t bother you ever again. Have fun with your perfect life, there’s no need for you to worry about me anymore. Don’t forget to put on your perfect mama face before you go in, Earp.”
“Nicole… Nicole!” Wynonna screamed, but it was useless because the redhead never turned around.
Nicole shook her head trying to clear it from her thoughts when she walked inside Pussy Willows.
“Hey, what’s up, Jonas?”
“Haught. What can I do for you today? Something to drink?”
“I was looking for something else, you know?” She asked him.
“Come here,” he signed her to follow him. “What do you want?”
“Oxy.”
“I don’t have any tonight.”
“Oh, come on man. I just need a little to help me calm down tonight.”
“I’m telling you. Businesses are great today,” he smirked. “I have something else if you want.”
“What is it?”
“Heroin.”
“I haven’t used it in a while,” Nicole looked around to see if she would find any familiar face.
“Tell you what, one hundred bucks and I’ll give you two baggies plus the tools.”
“A hundred? Are you out of your mind?” Nicole protested.
“Take it or leave it, Haught. And I’m making you a special offer because you are a good customer,” Jonas crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“I don’t have that money, man.”
“How much do you have?”
“Fifty.”
“You know what? I’ll take it because I’m feeling generous today,” he opened his hand. “You can give me the other fifty some other day, Haught.”
She sighed loudly, but she gave him the money. Once she had the bag with her purchase in hands, the redhead walked out of the bar.
Nicole rushed to the alley behind Pussy Willows and she found the place empty. Her hands were shaking so much with the eagerness that she almost dropped all the content from the baggie while she put it on the spoon. With the lighter, she boiled the product to put it in the syringe.
The needle broke her skin with a sting that created a wave of fake relief on her. The hole in her skin couldn’t compare with the one in her life. She closed her eyes and thought about Wynonna. She ruined everything with her and there was no coming back now.
The last thought that went into her mind before she fell asleep was Waverly. Her beautiful face and her pure heart. She was an angel and Nicole knew the girl would feel so disgusted if she could see the redhead at that moment. She could never allow Waverly to see her like that. She would be so disappointed.
Nicole passed out after some moments and she didn’t see when a tall figure approached her. She didn’t feel when he pulled her up in his arms and walked with her to his car. Nicole didn’t know that it was not the first time that Dolls helped her find her way back home after she reached her lowest. She didn’t know how to be any better than that in the past years of her life.
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'
What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again