One Reason

Jeremy’s head was spinning and his chest was tight when he woke up the next day. It was close to noon, which meant he was starving (at least his apatite was back!) and he just generally felt like utter horse shit. Whelp, this must be his punishment for letting himself be willingly possessed by a demon king. With a groan, Jeremy slipped out of bed, slipping Michael’s hoodie over his head without a second thought. It was comfy and made him feel marginally better, and he didn’t want to have to think about a binder when he had just woken up. Deciding he couldn’t be bothered to actually sort out his hair or even get some slippers on, Jeremy padded downstairs to see if he could rustle up some breakfast. Then maybe he’d go see how Christine and Brooke were doing, he hadn’t really spoken to them much and they had to be getting lonely.

Jeremy didn’t know what he was expecting when he went downstairs. Seeing Ina cooking lunch with Marshal while Brooke and Christine chatted with them from the table was not one of those things. Marshal turned around, waving at Jeremy for a moment when he saw his brother. “Hey,” he called, prompting everyone else to turn their heads and focus on Jeremy.

“Oh Jere-bear, how are you feeling?” Brooke called as she floated over with Christine, bringing Jeremy into a hug.

Jeremy was a little stunned as he hugged them back. Oh yeah, all of that stuff happened last night. Michael was alive (he was alive!!!), Brooke and Christine were visible and Mama and Ina were staying for a few days. “Er- overwhelmed right now?” Jeremy offered, leaning into the hug. “But otherwise... I feel kinda crappy, I won’t lie. Just... not good.” It was the most he’d volunteered about his emotional state when around his (living) family in years. It actually helped a little, but not enough to make it worth the effort of elaborating.

“Your brain’s gotta be shot after everything. Getting something in your belly will help, but it shouldn’t be too much,” Marshal said before Ina nodded. “Too much and you’ll get sick,” she agreed.

“I haven’t eaten much in the past few days anyway.” Jeremy shrugged. “So that would be good.” He had the dinner Marshal made, and the chicken salad sandwich, but had he eaten anything else? Jeremy couldn’t remember and he couldn’t be asked to try to. 

“Oh, Jeremy, that’s not healthy. Here, take a seat. We’ll sort out everything.” Christine fussed, pressing a kiss to Jeremy’s temple before heading over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of apple juice.

Brooke sat in one of the few chairs at the dinner table while everyone else got ready. Jeremy sat next to her. “So, you’re overwhelmed and feel bad?”

“Yeah. Overwhelmed because I just didn’t expect everyone in here...” Jeremy shrugged again. He was sort of in a shrug-y sort of mood. Not yes or no, just shrug. “And the bad... I dunno. My chest is tight, like I’m missing something or I’m having a panic attack, and my head hurts. Oh, and this white patch feels icy cold and I don’t know if I like it or not.”

“Well, the head might be a good headache. Your chest tightness could be from everything that happened. Your body could be panicked still,” Brooke offered. As she spoke, Christine put down the apple juice before floating back over to Ina and Marshal.

“Yeah, probably.” Jeremy hummed, taking a sip of the juice. “It just sucks because right now I’m supposed to be ecstatic, but I’m kinda miserable.” He sighed, setting down the glass and hanging his head. “And I-... never mind.” He didn’t know how up to date Ina was, even if he could assume it was very up to date considering she seemed totally at ease with Brooke and Christine. He also didn’t know how well that admission would go down.

“If you want to whisper it to me, you can. I promise I won’t tell anyone else.”

Jeremy looked up at Brooke, thought about it, then leaned over. “I miss Minnie. A lot.” He whispered. “I feel empty now that I’m not part of him anymore.”

Brooke hummed and nodded. “Minnie said he felt whole when he was here. You probably feel empty because you aren’t two souls anymore,” she whispered as she thought out loud. “I’m not going to press you for an answer on this, but is it alright if I give you something to think about?”

“Sure.” Jeremy trusted Brooke and her advice. He knew that anything she said about this was in his best interest, and he’d make sure to consider her words carefully.

“Think about Minnie’s last wishes and what he wanted, what he thought was best, and this question: Would you rather exist as Minnie or as you, Jeremy?”

Jeremy paused before sighing. “He wanted me to exist as me. Even if it’s not... actually, it is what I want. I don’t want to leave you guys now that I have you all back.” He admitted. “I guess it’s just... hard. When you know what it feels like to be totally whole to go back to being... this.” Depression fucking sucked.

“People see value in you though, in who you are. I do, Christine does, and so does your family. The Mells are included in ‘your family,’ by the way,” Brooke clarified with a smile. “Elizabeth is a lovely woman, and so is her wife.”

“They really are.” That got a smile from Jeremy. “And yeah, they’ve been my family since I was little. I knew you’d get on with them and I was hoping there’d be a way for you guys to meet.” He slumped over, crossing his arms on the table and resting his head on them. “Has Michael gotten up yet today?”

 “He’s woken up a few times but he hasn’t been staying awake long. Hopefully he’ll be up for a while soon,” Brooke reported.

“He deserves some proper sleep. He didn’t sleep well in the hospital.” Jeremy sighed. “The sheets were too scratchy and the bed was too hard. Not that he’d say anything about it, though. He didn’t want to make people fuss over him any more than they already were.” He squirmed in place a little before finding a comfortable position.

Then he decided to change the subject. “Hey Brookie? Does the vitiligo patch look weird on me?”

“I don’t think so. It looks cool,” Brooke told him as she reached over and brushed his hair back. “It’s just in one spot so it’s visually striking.”

Jeremy shivered when she touched it. Wow, it was pretty damn sensitive. He reached up to brush his fingers along the patch, trying to see if it was sensitive to his own touch, only for an image to form in front of his eyes. There was a figure standing in a forest. It was him, but pure white. The Moon version of him. And there was a version of Michael with him, covered in silvery stars that decorated his skin like metallic freckles. Wait, didn’t his Michael have some of those too now? Either way, Moon Jeremy and starry Michael were walking and talking and laughing happily. And they were older too. Like, at least in their early twenties, if not older. Jeremy was certain he saw the glimmer of wedding bands on their hands. 

With a shocked gasp, Jeremy bolted upright, his hand falling away from his hair. The image faded and Jeremy was just left with that dull ache in his chest. Surprisingly, the headache had lessened considerably.

“Jeremy?” Ina asked, her voice much closer than it had been. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“I-...” What the hell was that?! “Yeah, I think so.” Jeremy nodded slowly. “I think all the strange stuff is just hitting me.” Jeremy would totally need to investigate this further. Preferably when he was alone so he didn’t spook anyone else.

“If you need to lie down, let us know so we can help you,” Ina said before running her fingers through Jeremy’s hair. “Okay?”

“I will.” Jeremy promised. He wanted to change the subject again. “What are you guys making?”

“We’re making some grilled cheeses for everyone,” Marshal said. “I just finished yours.”

“Oh, yum. Thanks Marsh.” Jeremy smiled over at his brother. “I just realised something. I don’t think I’ve actually said it directly to you yet!” Jeremy tugged Marshal closer after he put the grilled cheese in front of him, hugging his brother tightly. “I love you, Marsh. Thanks for trying so hard and not giving up on me.”

Marshal relaxed in Jeremy's arms after a moment before hugging Jeremy back. "I love you too, Jeremy. Thank you for trying so hard too. None of this has been easy for you."

“They haven’t been... but things are getting better.” Jeremy shrugged. “Don’t worry.” He tried to reassure everyone watching. It didn’t help the way Jeremy had intended.

"We love and care about you, Jeremy. We're always going to worry," Marshal told him before pulling back. "Now, you eat what you can."

“Thanks Marsh.” Jeremy offered him a small smile before he picked up his grilled cheese and took a bite. It settled heavily in his stomach, and his body couldn’t decide if it was grateful for the food or if it wanted to rebel and not let him eat any more. Ugh. This sucked.

Brooke rubbed Jeremy’s back as Marshal went back to cook. “You have the same face that you had when eating that sandwich.”

“I don’t like eating sometimes. Michael helped me a lot a while back, but I still get periods when eating is hard.” Jeremy explained softly, taking another bite even if his body hated it.

Brooke hummed and nodded. "I'm glad that you're still eating though, even if your body doesn't want you to right now."

“I promised Mikey I would.” Jeremy shrugged, taking another bite. Yeah, it tasted good but it made him feel gross.

Even if it seemed like she wanted to say more, Brooke nodded and smiled. "Alright."

Jeremy finished off his food basically in silence. He sat back with a huff. “I... I dunno what to do now.” He sighed.

"Well, what are you used to normally doing?"

“Hanging out with you.” Jeremy looked up at Brooke. “That’s all over really been doing these past few days. And before that, I just... I didn’t really do anything. I just tended to mope about and maybe scroll through social media, then feel unsatisfied with my day.”

"Well, why don't you try sitting outside for a bit?" Ina offered. "You could sit out there and cloudwatch."

“Yeah, that could be fun.” Jeremy shrugged and climbed to his feet. “I’ll head to the back yard.” He finished off his juice before heading to the door. Everything felt numb today, just way too much, and Jeremy couldn’t really find it in himself to care about much. Which was weird. His best friend had come back from the dead, his family was finally back together and healing, and the people he cared about were all in one place. Jeremy should be over the moon, but he could barely muster up a weak smile for any of them. 

He contemplated all this as he lay back in the soft grass and stared up at the sky. The sunlight felt nice on his skin.

After being unable to think of why, Jeremy just watched the clouds. Focusing on that would be better than stressing himself out, right?

They were pretty and soft looking. Minnie would have loved them. That hurt Jeremy’s chest a little, but he tried to ignore it. Minnie was gone. He wasn’t coming back. With a sigh, Jeremy reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, tensing up when he touched that white patch.

 A new vision swam in front of his eyes. 

It was him, but covered in vitiligo patches. He was in an orange shirt and seemed to be carrying two swords?! Michael was there too, in the same orange shirt, and he had a large burn on his cheek. They were smiling, and maybe laughing. The white ferret on Jeremy’s shoulder and the black dog by Michael’s feet both seemed just as happy as their owners. Instead of jerking out of this one like he did before, Jeremy focused. He tried to see a little closer, see who this version of him was... demigod. That was the first word he recognised. Son of Persephone. He was the literal prince of the underworld, and his dad was dating the king and queen. That was kinda awesome. And Jeremy knew all the people in the castle, and at camp, where he and Michael were, and it was just awesome. Maybe he should go visit Jake and Sbarro where they were out in the strawberry fields and- 

He pulled his hand away as a shadow hovered over him, eyes shooting open.

Michael was looking down at him, his mouth closing as if he had been talking. He looked tired, so tired, but he looked better than he had before because he was alive. There was color in his skin and he was somewhat attentive and- "Remy."

Jeremy slowly lowered his hand. "Hi Mikey." He managed a half smile for him. Of course he did, this was Michael, his best friend. "Sorry, could you repeat what you just said?" Jeremy hadn't heard a word but Michael was clearly waiting for a response to something.

"I asked if you were feeling alright. I came down and Brooke told me how you were feeling food wise," Michael repeated.

"Oh." Jeremy patted the grass next to him, inviting Michael to sit. "I'm feeling... shitty, honestly. And the fact that I'm feeling shitty is making me feel worse because my life is honestly better than it's been in years, but I'm still feeling bad. And I know that it's not fair on my mental state and all that, but I can't help the feelings."

Michael sat down beside Jeremy, wearing one of his weird tye-dye shirts. Right, they left Jeremy some of his favorite shirts of Michael’s in the box too. "Yeah, but you can't expect for things to be better right after good things happen. That's, like, completely unrealistic."

"Yeah, I know. Like I said, it's not fair on my mental state." Jeremy sighed. He closed his eyes again. "It just sucks. And I keep getting these weird flashes of other worlds or something, and it's confusing and distracting." He confessed. Jeremy didn't feel weird about explaining it to Michael. They'd never really had secrets from each other (besides Jeremy's feelings for Michael, but that was a special case).

Michael hummed from beside him. “When do you get these flashes?”

Jeremy pointed to his vitiligo patch. “When I touch this. And if I focus, I can see even more than just a flash.”

“Well, that’s new and from the, uh, other you that was here?” Michael’s tone wasn’t solid and confident, but he kept going. “Maybe it’s because that spot gives you some connection to see these flashes. ‘Cause of what happened.”

“Yeah. Probably.” Jeremy hummed. “You wanna see if it’s a shared thing? Maybe you could see something too.”

“Would it be a good idea for me to do that right now?”

“I dunno.” Jeremy shrugged. “It’s weird, so maybe not.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Michael. “How are you doing, anyway?”

Michael shrugged as he sniffed and rubbed his nose. “I don’t know. I’m used to being stuffed in a bottle and before that, I had stage four breast cancer for six months. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be doing.”

Jeremy sat up and slipped off the hoodie, offering it to Michael. It left him in just a t-shirt and shorts, but he could deal. “This might help a little. Something familiar, yeah?” He placed it in Michael’s lap when he didn’t take it straight away. Then Jeremy laid back down, staring up at the sky. “As a suicidally depressed person, I think I get what you mean when you said you don’t know how you should be feeling. Nothing makes proper sense, and it’s just hard to actually exist.”

"I... I was accepting the fact that I was going to die, and I finally accepted it. Then I lived it in a vial for over three months. I'm used to accepting death and being dead. I don't know how to live," Michael admitted. "I tried to live for you after I was told I was going to die. I knew I wasn't going to live, so I lived for you and Ina and Mama and the people I cared for."

“I tried living for you and your memory. At least, after my attempt I did.” Jeremy sighed. “You and your family were the only good I had in my life at the time, and that was going away. So I tried my best to tough it out and survive for you, keep you alive somehow. But then, when you were gone, it was like all the strength I had left vanished with you.” Jeremy closed his eyes. “There’s been a few attempts since you died. More than I wanna admit. But... we’ll learn how to live again. We both will.”

“Okay.”

“It’s gonna be hard.” Jeremy admitted. “Or, I think it might be anyway. But we can do it.” He took a shaky breath before opening his eyes again. “I think a part of me still wants to die.”

"A part of me still thinks I'm dead," Michael said as he looked at Jeremy. "I think a good part of me does."

“I’ve seen what death entails. It’s not fun.” Jeremy looked up at Michael. “But we can get past this. We have to. Because I know for sure that if you’ll have me, I wanna date you. But I don’t wanna date you until I’m better, or mostly recovered at the very least. It wouldn’t be good for either of us, otherwise.” A slight blush rested on his cheeks. “I have a future I wanna look forward to.”

Michael nodded, his own cheeks flush with color. "Yeah... If I'm going to try anything with you, I don't want to think I'm dead. It's just... it's going to be hard getting there. For both of us."

Jeremy offered his hand to Michael. “We’ll get there. We know where we want to be, it’ll just be a case of taking that path, right? Like you told me after my attempt.”

"Yeah." Michael took Jeremy's hand and gently squeezed it. "Why're you using my words against me?"

“Because you’re smarter than I am.” Jeremy half smiled again. “Always have been.”

That got a whine out of Michael. "What? No. Don't say that."

“You’re smarter and better looking and cooler and just generally amazing.” Jeremy chuckled, his smile growing. “My favourite person. Always and forever. In this dimension and whatever other dimensions exist, I’ll bet.”

"I'd like to always be your favorite person, but I'm not all of those things. Don't compliment me by comparing me to you," Michael whined as he shook their held hands.

Jeremy’s smile took on a brighter quality. He missed this so much, he missed the teasing and the joking and the fun of life. “In that case, you’re so intelligent and creative. You’re the most beautiful, the most handsome person I know and you’re so cool and unique and wonderfully yourself.” He smirked up at Michael. “There, no comparisons to me in there at all. And you can’t argue, because it’s my opinion!” He almost sing-songed.

"Oh, I can argue with your opinions all I want. That's part of the point of opinions," Michael said as he raised a brow. "Have your wrong opinions ever stopped me from schooling you before?"

“Nope, but you can’t win this one.” Jeremy grinned. “Because I know for a fact it’s all true.”

Michael shook his head. "I'm creative and intelligent, I'll admit that, but I am not the most beautiful and handsome person you know. I am uniquely and wonderfully myself, but I am not cool."

“You are to me.” Jeremy sat up and scooted closer to Michael. “I’ve always thought you’re super cool. You’re just... chill. And beyond that, you’re kind and thoughtful, and you’re passionate about what you do. That’s what coolness is, for me anyways.”

Michael glanced to the side, clearing his throat. "Well thank you for telling me that."

Jeremy leaned against Michael’s side. “You remember how we met? How I had been pushed off the monkey bars by Damien Sanders and you came over to check on me?”

"Yeah. He's a jerk, always has been," Michael said. "I checked on you and made sure you stopped crying and spent the rest of the day with you 'cause you were really cool."

Jeremy giggled softly. “Well, I remember feeling winded and dizzy after falling, and the first person I saw was you. You wanna know my first thought? ‘Did I die? Because that looks like an Angel.’” He chuckled, closing his eyes. “All of five years old, and I was certain that you were one of those beautiful angels I had seen in my story books.”

"What kind of books were you reading to think I was an angel?"

“Mom had picture books. And you know I was already on chapter books by that point too, I was a fast learner.” Jeremy sighed, nuzzling against Michael’s arm. “There were a few that mentioned angels. And they all said that angels were the most beautiful beings in existence, that they were just... perfect.”

Michael snorted, and when Jeremy looked up, he saw Michael's eyes crinkle as he looked up. "Yeah, well that wasn't and isn't me. If anyone's taught me that, that nobody's perfect, it's my musical role model."

“Yeah well, you’re right. No one is perfect.” Jeremy agreed. “But I’m that moment, I believed it. And even now, I know you’re not perfect, but I do know that you’re amazing. My heart still gets all fluttery when I look at you, even after all this time.”

Jeremy felt Michael's hand prodding his chest after a second. "Are you sure you just don't have something you need to get checked out?"

“Not unless Mama missed something big.” Jeremy joked. Then he paused. “Let me go get dressed. We’re going for a drive, there’s something I need to show you.”

"Uh, alright. Can you give me an idea on what it is?" Michael asked as Jeremy got up. "Does it require me changing out of these borrowed pj pants?"

“Might be a good idea.” Jeremy nodded. “It’s... I just have to show you. Just trust me on this.” He needed to. He knew it would be the first step in healing, hopefully for the both of them.

"I don't know if I have anything to change into. I need to ask your dad and brother if they have anything that'll fit me," Michael said as he got up as well.

“Meet me out the front when you’re done.” Jeremy smiled weakly. “We should only be gone for a couple of hours at most. I’ll see you in a minute.”

"Well, maybe not a minute. It'll take me a bit longer than that to ask and get changed."

Jeremy snorted fondly. “Dork.” He rushed upstairs to get changed and to let everyone know that he and Michael were going out. 

A little while later, Jeremy and Michael were pulling up outside the edge of the forest. Jeremy parked the car in the same place as last time, hoping out and offering his hand to Michael once the car was all locked up. “Follow me.”

Michael reached out and took Jeremy's hand, looking around the forested area. "Well, lead me to wherever," he said, pushing his glasses up before looking back at Jeremy.

Jeremy squeezed Michael’s hand and they started off. 

It didn’t take long for Jeremy to find the beautiful pond again. The stream that fed it still bubbled away merrily, and the sunlight still filtered softly through the trees. The birdsong, though different, was just as sweet. 

“I found this place the day we arrived in the new house.” Jeremy explained as he guided Michael over to the willow tree and got settled with him in its twisted roots. “I had planned on drowning myself in the water... but couldn’t do it. I couldn’t taint this place like that.” He looked up at Michael. “‘This is a place for living things’, I thought. ‘It’s too beautiful to make it dirty like that.’ And I knew that if you were alive, you would like it. So, since you are alive, you belong here too.”

Michael was looking around at everything, his eyes wide. With his free hand, he looked at the willow tree and ran his hand over the bark of it. "This... It is really pretty," he admitted. "I could relax here and just zone out for a bit."

“That’s why I brought you here.” Jeremy smiled, watching Michael carefully. “I thought... it might be a good place to learn to live again.” Showing Michael this place, it was helping. Reminding him that yes, Michael was alive. And that Jeremy could be as well.

Michael's hand stilled against the willow tree. "It's really alright for me to be here?"

“Yes.” Jeremy nodded firmly. “It’s a place for living things. And even if neither of us really feel like we are, or that we deserve it, we are living things.”

"We are..." Michael nodded before he sniffled.

Jeremy nuzzled against Michael’s chest, relaxing even more when he felt Michael’s steady heartbeat and his radiator-like warmth. Michael was alive, therefore Jeremy was also alive. “You’re alive. I can hear it in your chest. And I can feel it with your warmth. You’re alive, Mikey, just like me...” Maybe even more so than Jeremy was, but they’d work on that. Jeremy would get better. He’d recover enough to deserve to be with Michael.

Michael sniffled again and shook a little. When he looked up, he saw Michael's eyes shining before Michael's sleeves wiped them away. "I... I'm alive..."

“You are.” Maybe Jeremy’s mindset wasn’t the healthiest, wanting to recover to be with Michael, but it was all he had. Everything else in his life, no matter how happy and good and grateful he was for it, wasn’t enough of a pull to keep him tethered at the moment. 

He had lost Michael, only to get him back from the impossible. He knew that if he focused on that fact, on the fact that Michael was alive again and that Jeremy wanted to be with him, he could start his recovery enough to find reasons for himself to want to live. He’d live for Michael until he could start living for himself. He just needed that reason to keep going, to stay away from the edge, to keep him alive long enough that he could step away himself.

Jeremy made sure to focus on that for now as Michael started to curl up and cry, muttering out every now and then that he was alive. His best friend needed him, and he was going to help the both of them.