mother
Marvin looked at the reflection of himself in the glass of Trina’s front door. He fixed his hair slightly and stood up straighter. He put his hands in his pockets, then took them out again and fixed his tie. He put one hand on his hip, but quickly settled for the pockets again. Marvin took a deep breath and rung the doorbell, before stepping back and clasping his hands behind his back.
The door opened.
His mother had gotten old. Her face showed the evidence of her life-long scowling in wrinkles. Her hair was in the exact way she had always worn in; like she came from a 50’s magazine that had an item on what a good house-wife looked like. The only difference was that her hair was gray now.
Marvin put his hands in his pockets and bowed his head slightly.
“Mother,” he muttered as a greeting, then cleared his throat. “Is Trina home?”
“Well, of course she is. She called you to pick me up like I was cargo, didn’t she? Where is your car?”
It had been decades. And that was what she had to say. Marvin pointed in silence. She pushed her suitcase in Marvin’s hands and went inside it, slamming the door.
Trina appeared shortly after, crossing her arms. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell her we’re divorced.” Her voice was snide and judgemental.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell her. You are her favorite.”
“I was. Until she found out I left my wifely duties and chose someone actually good for me. Now she won’t talk to me.”
Marvin huffed. “Did she at least talk to Jason?”
“Of course she did. She even brought him a gift. As always when we went over.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
Trina rolled her eyes. “Of course you wouldn’t. I never understood why you couldn’t be bothered to visit your own family, Marvin. Involve our son with them. I had to do all the work on that front too.”
Marvin shrugged. “It just happened like that. I don’t know.”
“Right.”
Trina searched Marvin’s face in the silence that followed. Marvin starting getting nervous by it.
“Can I have Jason over sometime soon again?”
Trina sighed and softened her expression slightly. “I’ll call Whizzer about it, okay? I want to hear from him how your situation is.”
“I’m fine,” he spat.
“You know what, Marv?” Now everything in her voice and face was soft and inviting. That was definitly worse. “Let’s have family dinner again, okay? Invite the lesbians too. I’ll cook for us all. I’m sure it’ll be good for Jace too.”
“I don’t need your sympathy. I said I’m fine.”
“Jesus, Marvin. I am doing it for Jason. He misses it. He misses you.”
“Arrange it.” He hesitated. “Thank you, Trina.”
When he went into the car, the door wasn’t even shut when he got critized again.
“That took long enough. Where do you live now? I won’t sleep anywhere that doesn’t have two stories. Don’t even think of taking me somewhere cheap.”
Marvin started the car in silence. “I have two levels, yes.”
“Good. I need my own room.”
“Okay.”
She started the radio and Marvin was grateful for what she did. That was new.
“So, I heard from that short man Trina left you for you have someone else in your life. Is she a better wife than Trina?”
“We’re not married.”
“Hm. You know I don’t want a bastard grandchild. I can’t appear respectful that way. Is she Jewish?”
“Half.” He muttered.
“That isn’t right-“
“Why are you here? You got the house, didn’t you? Why are you here, getting involved with me for no reason! You can’t just show up unannounced!”
Eerie silence followed. Tensed filled the car.
“I am your mother. You do not talk to me that way, son. I paid for your education, I found you a wife, I made sure you weren’t alone at home all the time. Do you hear me? Disrespect and stupidity don’t fly here.”
Marvin wanted to park and slam the door and just be done. He was done. The happy song on the radio barely fit his emotion, the chatter that followed after it seemed too unaware of the heft he had to carry for his relationships to work.
“I’m sorry. I am just feeling really confronted and overwelmed by your sudden visit.”
She huffed. “I’m your mother. You shouldn’t be overwelmed by me. The very notion is ridiculous. You sound just like your father right now. Tired and overwelmed, and oh god, I can’t have visitors right now, I can’t even get out of bed! It’s stupid. Just do what the day brings to you, just work with the tasks ahead. I suddenly showed up; you should have been ready for me anytime.”
Marvin nodded. “Right. I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “Don’t apologize to me. That won’t get you anywhere. Just don’t be so ungrateful next time.”
Right. Ungrateful. Maybe he was. “Mom, I can’t take you home at the moment,” he parked the car outside the hotel.
“Why is that?” she raised her eyebrow.
“Because… Because I’m dog-sitting and you’re allergic. So.”
“Right. Well, get rid of it for a few days.”
“I will, but I’ll have to clean the entire house first, so you’ll need to stay here tonight. I’ll pay, alright?” He held out his card.
She searched his face, then rolled her eyes, taking the card from his hand. “Fine. You’d rather have a dirty animal in your house than your own mother, I see how it is.”
“Good evening for now.”
She closed the door, not responding anymore.
Marvin stayed on the spot in front of the hotel, until cabs honked at him to move, so he did, and turned the music off.
When he got home, he hated how silent it was. He wanted Whizzer here. He missed Whizzer. Calling him wouldn’t hurt.
As he started on a simple pasta recipe, he waited for a response. He almost gave up, when he suddenly heard muffled music and laughter coming from the speaker.
“Hey, babe! Are you having fun?”
“No- where are you?”
“Just in the best bar in New York City!”
The last words seemed to be for whoever was near him, since loud cheering followed.
“Right,” he muttered.
“Why aren’t you having fun? I thought you mother was better than your dad.”
Whizzer attention was clearly devided. Whizzer left the house for a reason today; so that he could avoid Marvin’s baggage.
“Oh, yeah. It’s not her. We’re having fun. I just miss you.”
“Awh. I’ll probably be home tonight.”
“Probably?”
“Yes! I met a new friend. I figured since your mom is sleeping over, you’d like some more private time with her before your queer boyfriend with the gay atteditde shocked her too much.”
He said the words in a joking manner, but Marvin knew Whizzer. When Whizzer was tipsy, all kinds of ‘jokes’ came to light. Usually it was a fun way to find out how Whizzer truly felt about Marvin’s new clothes. This, however, wasn’t fun.
“Whizzer- it’s not like th-“
“I know! Just kidding, babe. I have to go, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye,” he hung up, and just like that, silence once again took hold of the room. Silence meant unbearable thoughts. Silence meant… that he was alone.
Cooking served no purpose, since Whizzer had chosen somewhere- someone- else to stay the night with. Marvin wasn’t hungry anyways. He stopped the boiling water and unbuttoned his shirt as he walked up the stairs. Apart from the creaking, it was just silent.
----------------
“Dad? I’m scared. Can I please-“
“Go away, Marvin. We’re sleeping.” His mother spoke this time.
“But I-“
“Leave us alone!”
----------------
The silence echoed through his mind, made his ears rush and his eyes ache with exhaustion. He walked into the bedroom and threw his clothes in a corner.
----------------
He stared up at the blankness of his ceiling, keeping every light on, and every door wide open. That way, maybe the nightmares would keep out. Or better yet, the thoughts would stay away. Thoughts of hands and shoulders and lips that weren’t his, but seemed more familair than that of the girls he found attractive. The thoughts of hate and fear and loniless that always echoed through the silence. If he put on music, or tried to tell himself a story out loud, he would bother his parents. So he stayed awake and stared at the ceilng instead. The monsters could come and get him this way, but at least he could see them coming.
----------------
He laid down in the bed, that felt way too big without Whizzer in it, and stared up at the ceiling. He imagined his mother enjoying the luxery of the hotel with self-ensured entitlement to Marvin’s money. He imagined his father, drinking a beer and staring at the wall of the bar he was probably sitting in, drowning his feelings and thoughts away, just like how Marvin did before he met Whizzer. He imagined his lover then, dancing and holding and taking someone else. Someone who maybe made Whizzer happier. Someone who could make happy, because he was happy himself. And then his mind trailed to other things, things that he was not ready to be confronted with, things that hurt too much, that made him flinch of invisible touches and whispers and hurt and fear for his life so much that he had to get up from the bed to turn on all the lights. He laid down again, this time staring at a brighter ceiling. He turned on a random movie and focused on the words being spoken. He didn’t sleep soon, maybe he didn’t sleep at all. But at least the silence was gone. And that was all that mattered.