Sha Hualing has some advice for the next demon who decides to buy the bargain talismans at the two-for-one stall right outside Bai Zhan peak: DON’T.
Even if you have a hot cultivator girlfriend who you want to impress with the newest bind-you-to-the-bed seal that the seedy salesman convinced you to buy with a few obscene puns and a hefty discount. Seems like a good deal, right? Wrong. Because later you might be in the middle of getting it on with said hot cultivator girlfriend when, out of nowhere, her stupid meathead brother bursts into the room. And it might scare you so bad that you accidentally fling a handful of your cheapo talismans at him. And then you might end up stuck to an idiotic meathead peak lord in the most awkward binding seal accident of all time.
The stupid healer peak lord won’t stop chuckling.
“Like I said,” Mu Qingfang says again, still with that stupid twinkling look in his eye. “I believe the most effective course of action is to wait for the talismanic seal to wear out.”
“And like I said, fuck waiting it out,” snaps Sha Hualing. She isn’t really what you’d call a prude, but come on, she’s practically naked over here! Before they left Bai Zhan, Liu Mingyan had draped one of her cloaks over Sha Hualing (and there’s no way she’s giving it back, it smells like sweat and pine forests and Liu Mingyan) but she still has a lot of sensitive bits exposed. Liu Qingge is trying very hard to not look directly at her, which is difficult because they are quite literally joined at the hip. “You goop-for-brains healers can’t do anything about this? What’s the point of this stupid peak anyway?”
Mu Qingfang ignores her like he has ever since the two of them had stumbled in, Sha Hualing cursing up a storm. Instead, he turns to the cultivator growing like a tumor from her side. “Liu-shidi,” he says calmly, “I have a balm that might help ease the separation. I can’t guarantee it will speed up the process, but it should make the disconnect less painful.”
“Hey! Healer bastard! I’m talking to you!”
Liu Qingge frowns. “I don’t want you to waste any medicine on me, shidi. I’m sure you need it for your patients who are in more pain.”
“Every moment I spend attached to you is painful,” moans Sha Hualing. “Can’t you draw your ugly sword and cut me free?”
“Inadvisable, if you’d like to keep all your limbs intact and your blood inside your body.” Mu Qingfang spares Sha Hualing a single raised-brow glance before swiveling back to Liu Qingge. “It’s no trouble, shidi. This is a fairly easy-to-make lotion—we have junior disciples practice mixing doses, so we have an excess on hand. I wouldn’t want,” his throat bobs as he swallows, eyes flicking up and down Liu Qingge’s body, “any soreness to hinder Liu-shidi in his training.”
“Ah.” Liu Qingge clears his throat. The tips of his ears are bright red. Sha Hualing blinks. “Well. Mu-shidi knows best.”
As the Mu-shidi in question retrieves a jar of clear lotion from a shelf on the wall behind him, Sha Hualing’s brain grinds to a halt. Huh. How interesting. Liu Qingge does occasionally think about things that don’t involve sparring.
Mu Qingfang returns to their bedside holding a small knife, and he begins to saw through the side of Liu Qingge’s robes in order to find the section where the two of them are conjoined. Sha Hualing notes that Liu Qingge’s breathing is coming faster than before, and that Mu Qingfang’s pulse is elevated. How very not boring.
“Hey! Doctor cultivator!” Sha Hualing enjoys the way Mu Qingfang flinches, just a little. “Watch the goods, yeah? And keep those sneaky hands to yourself! My body is off-limits for the likes of you.” She feels Liu Qingge stiffen next to her.
“Don’t interrupt his work and we’ll be fine. He has more experience than you can dream of, demon,” he snarls.
“Is that so?” Sha Hualing grins as Mu Qingfang pulls away, calm as ever, to slick up his hands with the lotion. “What kind of experience?”
“You are disgusting,” Liu Qingge says under his breath.
Sha Hualing sneaks a look and is delighted to see that his cheeks are glowing red. “Only your sister knows the half of it, cultivator meathead.”
“You—!” Liu Qingge shoots her an outraged look, but is almost immediately distracted as Mu Qingfang lays a soothing hand on his now-bare stomach. “Ah—Mu-shidi, that’s cold!”
“Oh?” Mu Qingfang blinks up at Liu Qingge. “I apologize. Allow me…” his hand begins to glow a little as he pours qi into the lotion, and Sha Hualing observes the way Liu Qingge’s stomach muscles tense up before relaxing under the warmth. Liu Mingyan’s abs are way nicer, but this view isn’t too bad.
“Does it feel alright?” Mu Qingfang asks as he begins to massage the lotion into the section of conjoined skin. He’s obviously directing the question at Liu Qingge, but when the Bai Zhan cultivator doesn’t answer him right away, eyes half-lidded with pleasure, Sha Hualing kindly steps in.
“It feels slimy. Are you trying to poison us, leechy doctor? Is this some sort of sex potion?” She laughs as a vein ticks in Mu Qingfang’s forehead. “I don’t think you need to work that hard to get this one into bed.”
“Shut up. I’ll make you regret being born,” hisses Liu Qingge through his teeth.
“You’d kill your future sister-in-law?” Sha Hualing flutters her eyelashes. “You don’t want to make your darling sister cry, do you?”
Liu Qingge, who is starting to turn purple with rage, opens his mouth to respond but he never gets the chance. Mu Qingfang reaches up with his non-occupied hand and, to both Liu Qingge’s and Sha Hualing’s shock, caresses Liu Qingge’s cheek.
“You need to relax, Liu-shidi,” he murmurs. “The binding will be undone sooner if you stay calm.”
Liu Qingge makes a sound that is a cross between a croak and a grunt. Sha Hualing is lucky she snagged the more eloquent sibling.
“You’re doing very well,” Mu Qingfang continues, encouragingly. “I can feel your qi circulating through your abdomen, and it is helping the process. Do you feel my own qi responding through the conduit of the lotion?”
“Yes,” Liu Qingge manages. He flushes bright red from his throat to the roots of his hair. “Feels—good.”
“Wonderful.” Mu Qingfang smiles. Sha Hualing throws up a little in her mouth. “Keep going, and we’ll be done before you know it.”
“How long is this going to take? ” Sha Hualing demands. Both Mu Qingfang and Liu Qingge look at her in surprise, like they forgot she can talk. “I don’t have all day, you know. I have things to do.” She waggles her eyebrows in the direction of Liu Qingge. “Lots of things.”
Liu Qingge scowls, but Mu Qingfang lays a calming hand on his arm at the same time he lifts his other hand to mark a sigil in the air. To Sha Hualing’s horror, she feels her lips zip shut.
“Not long,” says Mu Qingfang placidly. “Only a few more shichen. That’s about how long this binding seal of quiet should last too. Now,” he turns back to Liu Qingge and smiles. “Let us resume.”