All of those tourists covered with oil
Even the cabanas on the beach were set up for maximum couple behavior. They were practically beds, and each one had a fabric top over it to cast shade and gauzy hangings around the edges that gave the illusion of privacy. Diego was slumped against the enormous taupe pillows at the head of the bed, nursing a mystery drink that Klaus had gotten for him when he’d retrieved his own presumably virgin strawberry daiquiri. He had a feeling that Klaus was living vicariously through Diego’s drinks, because why wouldn’t he be. It tasted strong, like Klaus had asked for a double.
About ten feet to their right Luther and Allison were dozing on their own cabana, and beyond Klaus to their left were Vanya and Five. Diego kept catching random passerby making severe double-takes at those two. Half of them were probably convinced that Five was an unusually young-looking 18-year-old with a cougar, and the other half probably thought they weren’t guests of the resort and were just mooching off the private beach area.
“That guy,” Allison said, just loud enough to hear. Diego followed her pointing to an enormous, body-builder-looking guy slogging his way out of the ocean.
“No, no,” Klaus said. “He’s definitely with that little tiny woman with the one-piece and the curly hair over there.”
“Maybe the woman with the sunscreen situation,” Luther said flatly, pointing towards a woman sunning herself a foot or two away from the edge of the water.
Diego glanced back at the woman crying at the beach bar again. She had a wide-brimmed hat and an engagement ring so large you could probably see it from space. You could definitely see it from fifty feet away, at least. The waitress behind the bar seemed to be studiously avoiding eye contact.
“Wouldn’t it be a better use of our time to try and identify suspects rather than trying to guess who that woman is here with?” Diego asked, finishing his drink and dumping the ice in Klaus’s lap. Who just kind of wriggled and let the cubes begin to melt against his heat-pinked thighs.
The cabana bed shifted slightly, and Diego glanced up. Vanya was sitting at the edge of their cabana, stirring a mai tai and watching the couples walking by.
“Ohh, that guy,” Klaus said confidently, sitting up slightly and pointing at a gangly but also simultaneously pot-bellied man with raggedy long hair and very expensive-looking swim trunks. If you’d asked Diego what could make swim trunks look expensive, he’d have no idea, but somehow, they very much looked expensive.
“No way!” Allison laughed. She was practically hanging off her and Luther’s cabana to talk to the rest of them. Diego smirked, looking past her to Luther, who looked more than a little pouty, probably displeased that they were interacting with the rest of the group. She’d married a guy within two years of being in Texas, yet nearly thirty years of knowing Luther and nothing had ever come of it. That was beyond time to give up, but Diego was doing his best to resist saying so to Luther’s face, since the last time he’d said something like that, a couple months ago, Luther had tossed him out a window, which was an experience Diego had already had several times in his life and didn’t particularly enjoy repeating or want to repeat again.
“What…are we people watching?” Vanya asked. “Deciding who we’re into?”
“Oh, Vanya,” Klaus said, reaching out for her knee close to his. Diego watched his long fingers curl softly over her skin. “Please tell me you can tell that that man isn’t my type.”
“Well,” Vanya said. “I didn’t want to judge, but he does look like if Dad were young, on drugs, and swallowed a watermelon.”
Diego let out a sharp laugh. It was pretty accurate.
“Let’s play that game, though, Vanya,” Diego said. “Can you pick out someone you’d bang who isn’t a psychopath? You’re one for three if I’m counting right.”
“Diego!” Allison exclaimed. Vanya bit her lip but looked like she was holding back a smile. She’d figured out the last psychopath all on her own, so maybe it didn’t hurt so bad. Klaus was huffing in quiet laughter to his side, tiny flickers of his skin brushing against Diego’s side as he shifted around and his shoulders shook.
“That woman trying to surf is beautiful,” Vanya said, pointing as a woman came drifting in towards shore on a board, her dark hair soaked and hanging around her face in thick waves.
“You should talk to her,” Allison said.
“This is a couples resort,” Luther said, sitting up suddenly and giving them all a hard stare.
“Well, if that’s her husband, I’m willing to share,” Klaus said. A man was jogging through the surf to meet her, and even from far back on the sand, his ass was unbelievable. Diego whistled slow between his teeth.
“Um, excuse me.”
Diego twisted around. Ruby was standing right behind their cabana, her fuschia mouth twisted into a grimace.
“I’m sorry to bother you while you’re all…busy,” she said, sending a look over towards the couple they’d been ogling. Diego glanced towards Vanya. She had her lips pressed together and seemed to be avoiding Ruby’s eyes at all costs. Same.
“But I just wanted to ask you two how you’re enjoying our little slice of heaven so far,” Ruby continued. She was clutching a clipboard with white knuckles.
“It’s fantastic,” Klaus contributed. “The view is wonderful.”
Diego immediately caught sight of the model-esque couple jogging past their cabana and snorted.
“You know,” Ruby said, her voice shifted away from customer service mode to a stern voice. “Last week I had to have a supposed couple removed from the premises because they were approaching other guests inappropriately.”
Klaus raised his eyebrows and looked away with a grimace. It did feel like being scolded by Reginald.
“Anyway,” Ruby chirped. “Enjoy your stay. I’m glad we could welcome you here to facilitate your relationship. And hello, Mrs. Thompson. I’m glad you’re socializing.”
She gave Vanya a smile and turned on her heel, walking away briskly without so much as a nod towards Allison.
“Something’s up with her,” Diego muttered.
“She can see straight through you two,” Allison said. “Be careful not to get on her bad side like I did, she might spit in your granola tomorrow morning if you do.”
“What do you mean, she can see straight through us?” Diego asked.
Allison grinned cheekily. “You could behave a bit more like a couple, is all.”
“Wha—you and Luther—that just—”
“So who’s your Mr. Thompson?” Klaus asked Vanya, cutting off wherever Diego’s words were taking him.
Vanya laughed and shot a glance towards Five, who seemed to be completely unconscious. It was weird seeing him relaxed. She turned back towards them, looking sheepish.
“Five told her that my husband tragically died before we could fulfill our dream of travelling to Florida,” she said. “I think between that and his whole tumor thing they were willing to let us come no matter what.”
“Hey, Make-a-Wish!” Diego shouted. Five’s head slowly lifted and he turned to stare, his eyes covered by sunglasses.
Five waited, staring blankly, until he finally threw up his hands. “What?”
“Nothing,” Diego said, settling back into the pillows, trying not to smile.
Five promptly vanished, probably off to find a cabana to relax on that was nowhere near the rest of the family. Good.
“Ooh,” Klaus said. “Vanya, what about her?”
Diego looked towards where Klaus was nodding his chin. A woman with a floaty pink sarong around her waist was drifting by with a kite trailing above her.
“Who flies a kite? We did leave the sixties, right?” Diego said.
“Maybe it’s like…meditation,” Klaus suggested.
“You know,” Allison said. “Vanya’s the only one of us who could actually go after someone. I don’t think they’re going to try to tell a widow with a dying kid that she can’t flirt.”
“Unless she pulls the old homewrecker routine again,” Diego said.
“Diego…” Allison sighed. If Diego had a nickel for every time Allison said his name in a disappointed tone.
“The old homewrecker razzle-dazzle,” Klaus said.
Vanya was half-smiling, but she got up and wandered back to her now-empty cabana.
“Look, you drove her away,” Allison said.
“She’s not a dog,” Diego said.
“Anyone want something to drink?”
A woman in the pale pink collared shirt indicative of hotel employees was stood between their cabanas, pad of paper ready to take orders. The waitress from the beach bar, it looked like.
“I’m good,” Diego said. The woman smiled and turned towards Allison and Luther, her long blonde ponytail swinging behind her.
Allison started ordering something or other and Diego let out a long breath. It was hot and humid and sticky. Why did people go on vacations if it meant sweating this much? There was a couple walking through the shallows holding hands, looking like they didn’t have a care in the world. Diego looked towards their feet with a grimace. There were probably all sorts of sharp shells and garbage at the bottom that they were stepping on. It didn’t even look relaxing.
A hand clasped down on Diego’s shoulder and he jumped, turning to look at Klaus, who looked exaggeratedly pitying.
“You’re tenser than an asshole holding in a fart,” Klaus said. He gave Diego a little shake.
“That’s not going to help,” Diego said. He grabbed Klaus’s wrist and shook his hand around like a limp crab. “Maybe if you get me drunk enough, I’ll relax.”
“Is that a challenge?” Klaus asked, leaning slightly closer, his eyes a little manic and bright. “I thought your body was a temple, are you giving me free reign to feed you frozen margaritas?”
“Frozen drinks are for children and boneheads like you,” Diego said. He dropped Klaus’s wrist, the skin starting to feel warm and clammy under his grip, the sunscreen starting to go slippery. “And no, it’s not a challenge, Klaus, I have some self-preservation.”
Someone giggled off to their left and they both turned. Vanya was smiling up at the waitress, sitting cross-legged at the edge of her cabana. The waitress laughed at something Vanya said, leaning back slightly and reaching out to touch Vanya’s arm.
“I’ll be damned,” Diego said. “She’s a womanizer.”
“I’m not surprised,” Klaus said. “Imagine what she can do with her fingers. All those years of violin.”
“Jesus, Klaus,” Allison said. “Could you at least keep your voice down?”
“I was talking quietly!” Klaus cried.
“I think it’s just open season in a place like this,” Diego said, shaking his head. “The staff usually just have couples around, and now bam, someone single. I could get someone just as fast.”
“Oh, sure, if that’s what you want to tell yourself,” Klaus said. He patted Diego’s knee like he was a delusional child.
“Hey,” Diego said. “I’m a heartbreaker.”
“Oh yeah?” Klaus said, grinning as he rolled onto his stomach and propped his chin in his hands. “So, who ended up heartbroken after your last relationship?”
Diego struggled for words, staring up at the soft fabric hanging above them.
“…me,” he said finally.
“And the time before that?”
“Me, but—”
“Diego,” Klaus said. “It’s alright to admit you’re just a sensitive, submissive, fragile little man.”
“Where the—what the hell are you talking about?”
“He’s trying to get you riled up,” Allison said.
“I’m sick of you throwing in your two cents, Allison,” Diego snapped, turning to point a finger at her. “Stay on your cabana.”
She rolled her eyes and pushed her sunglasses back up on her nose.
“And Klaus!” he said, turning back. “We’re the same height and you have the proportions of a straw, what do you mean little?”
“Aw,” Klaus said. He cupped Diego’s cheek but drew his hand back fast enough to avoid repercussions. “We both know you’re only five eleven and a half.”
“I am six. Feet. Tall.”
“And is that really the part you stuck on? Little?”
“Wasn’t it you that told me to relax?” Diego said.
“Where’s the fun in that?” Klaus said.
Diego huffed and shuffled further away, crossing his arms tightly. He’d show him relaxed. Relaxing was easy. That was why Diego never did it. It was the lazy man’s game. Sitting around, not thinking about anything. Letting people get murdered while you sipped your fuckin’ mai tai and suntanned. Easy. You just—stretched out your legs. Looked at the waves. Which probably were full of sharks and jellyfish someone could feed a corpse to. Felt the sand under your toes. Didn’t glance over your shoulder or check for footprints left in the damp sand.
“That’s it,” Diego said, rolling off the cabana to his feet. “I for one am not going to let people die on our watch.”
“Okay,” Allison said, stretching her arms out above her, jostling Luther, who looked ninety-percent asleep beside her. He still hadn’t taken off his shirt. Probably didn’t want to attract stares.
Diego rolled his neck out and headed towards the main building with just a brief glance towards Vanya. She was still talking to that waitress—she’d gotten her to sit down next to her, for god’s sake. Maybe the waitress was trying to infiltrate them, get information. Maybe whoever was killing the guests already knew that the Umbrella Academy was coming for them. Disregarding the fact that nobody knew who the Umbrella Academy were anymore.
He unlocked the door to the main hallway and hauled it open, its metal handle warm under the sun.
“Wait wait wait wait wait!”
He paused in the doorway and turned slowly.
“Hold the door for me!” Klaus was crying, racing across the sand with sandals in hand, his too-loose, too-short swim trunks slumping dangerously around his hipbones. It didn’t seem like it’d be too hard to tie them or buy a smaller size. Christ. Diego watched his legs move; his red-tinted, tattooed skin that glowed under the sun.
“The sun wouldn’t be so hot on your damned feet if you put on your shoes,” Diego said as Klaus raced by him onto the cool hall floor.
“Where are you going?” Klaus said, completely ignoring him. “I’m coming.”
“You don’t even know where I’m going but you want to come with,” Diego said.
“Yes?”
Diego glanced back to the beach, towards the rain clouds gathering on the horizon.
“Fine,” he said, letting the door swing shut behind them. “But no distracting me.”
“Of course not,” Klaus said. “When have I ever distracted you?”
Diego shook his head, starting down the hallway. That wasn’t even worth trying to answer.