Chapter 1
“You’re serious?”
Her left eyebrow is raised in question. Lena knew Andrea wasn’t impervious when she did that. Andrea might present herself as cold, brash and forward. But that wasn’t who she was when she was with Lena. There was Andrea and then there was her Andrea. They looked the same but that didn’t mean that they acted the same. When Andrea spent time with Lena she let herself be. She didn’t have to draw her armor about her as if she was ready to ride into battle at a moments notice. Instead she let herself laugh. She could smile without looking around wondering who was going to make a comment. She was her best friend. It had started in boarding school when they were in high school. Now they were at college together.
Lena was working on her first masters even though she wasn’t of legal drinking age. Andrea was in her third year. She was the one to buy the booze for the apartment they shared.
“I said what I said.”
Lena doesn’t move from where she stands. “You’d do that for me?”
Something in her softens. She wonders if Lena knows the power that she has over her. “My answer is always going to be yes.”
They’re hugging. It’s not stiff nor formal. Andrea had been the one who had to teach Lena how to hug someone else. The first time Andrea wrapped her arms around her she shuddered. It had taken steps in order for Lena to actually hug Andrea back. To someone else it may have been a sign to move on. To Andrea it only brought her closer to Lena. She wanted to be that person for her. This girl had known pain but there was a light behind her eyes. Andrea had seen it for herself.
Hugging came first in the list of firsts. They both had competitive streaks. But Andrea had a way of getting there before Lena when it came to matters within the social domain. There had been days where Andrea had wondered if Lena would even talk to other people or if she would just exists as herself not needing anyone else. She had no interest in testing it. She bore witness herself when she dropped by Lena’s biology lab their freshman year in college. Andrea couldn’t help but be proud of her best friend. She saw her engaging and seen smiling with her lab partner. She had faith in Lena. The person she saw was a person who was capable of doing anything she set her mind to.
Lena’s question interrupts Andrea’s train of thought. “When did you say…”
She sees the hesitation creep in. She’s quick to jump. “Tomorrow?”
Lena nods. “Tomorrow. We’re having sex tomorrow night.”
“That’s what we agreed on.”
Andrea was going to have sex with Lena. She had agreed to that. She would be helping Lena lose her virginity even though it was a social construct and they had both agreed that it didn’t matter. Lena trusted Andrea. She was the experienced one in the situation. That had been a pattern for their relationship.
Lena watches Andrea. “You know you don’t have to do this, right?”
She swallows. “I can do this for you. You know how my first time went. And like you said if you want to put yourself out there this semester, you’ll know.”
She wasn’t sure what Andrea was talking about. What was there to know? She knew that she liked women. She wasn’t attracted to men. That was one part of her life that was black and white. The rest seemed to reside in the gray.
They went to yoga at the rec center like they did every Thursday.
Lena wondered how big of a deal she was supposed to make things.
Sex was something that Andrea did. Lena knew that. Andrea had told her about the guys she had fucked. There had been the night during the spring semester when one of Lena’s exams had been canceled. She had opened the door and found Andrea topping some guy on the couch. The noises she had heard in the hallway should have been an indicator. There eyes had locked onto each other before Lena scrambled back out the door.
That was the last time Andrea had brought someone over. It didn’t mean she didn’t go out. There were the Saturday nights they would go out dancing it was a coin toss if she’d go back to the apartment with Lena or if she’d go home with someone she met that night.
She made it seem simple that it was just something that people did. To Lena it had always been something more. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t embarrassed that she hadn’t had sex yet and she was turning twenty-one in a two months. She just wanted to get it over with. That’s what she had said which provoked Andrea to make the offer.
As much as she told herself that it was nothing it was decidedly something to Lena.
Tomorrow, was well tomorrow. She swallowed down her fear for now. There were things to be done before then. She could make a plan and execute. Not that that was what sex or relationships were. She knew that. But she had shit she needed to figure out before then. There wasn’t a button she could press to get her mind to fall still. She tried to focus on the yoga with Andrea just to the left on her own mat. Then there was homework. And finally sleep.
Tomorrow had turned in to today. Lena chides herself as she brushes her teeth listing off her labs and lecture for the day. There were things to be done. That’s what she told herself. It might as well be her motto. There was always something.
Andrea had been Lena’s first kiss. It was on her sixteenth birthday. It was one kiss that had turned into multiple kisses. Lena had mentioned the night before, as they both laid in the dark staring up at the ceiling, when they were both in their own beds, she wondered why people made such a big deal about kissing. How could it be as great as everyone made it out to seem. She was reluctant. She had admitted aloud to Andrea that she had never kissed anyone. She had asked her not to tell anyone. Andrea had promised. The promise was unnecessary. The things said at night were the moments that seemed to be the biggest and weigh the most. It wasn’t that she could see Lena as she said it. But she could feel her. The vulnerability was palpable. Lena was embarrassed even though Andrea didn’t think she should be.
She had wanted to tell Lena that it was one of those things. But she didn’t know how to make the words work. She showed her instead of telling her the next night.
Lena had been tentative at first. Andrea remembered how she looked at her like a deer in headlights then she nodded her on. Lena found her. Andrea felt it all, the push and pull. The sounds coming from Lena as she let herself be in the moment, just the two of them. Sure it was Lena’s birthday but it felt like a gift to Andrea too.
They hadn’t really talked about it. What was there to be said? They were two teenage best friends who had made out with each other. It was as simple and as complicated as that. How was that to be bridged between the two of them? It had made Lena feel nearly weightless like she could float. To Andrea it felt better than everything and everyone else. It was something she had put aside. She waited and waited for Lena to bring it up again but Lena didn’t. She had tried to find herself in the men she dated and fucked. Some lasted longer than others but no one was in it for the long run like Lena. She never asked her to. The first night they had gotten drunk together Lena had announced it, that she was Andrea’s ride or die. She laughed but Lena was serious. She swore that she was never going to leave Andrea. She had stayed true to her words, she had never faltered not even for a second. Lena was the person that Andrea didn’t know how to ask for or if she even could. She was someone in her life that she didn’t know who she would be if it wasn’t for her. It’s not that she said it to Lena. It came through all the same. Somethings couldn’t be hidden.
Andrea had offered because Lena had been worried. In the years since her sixteenth birthday Lena had made out with other women. She had never gone home with any of them. But she had had experience. Andrea was jealous of how she seemed to know what she wanted. There were mornings where Andrea didn’t recognize the person staring back at the mirror. Lena had always been there to remind her. Lena, her Lena was someone she would do anything for. If that meant she was going to have sex with her then that was that. That’s how she parsed it out in her own head. It didn’t have to be a big deal right? If they had kissed before what was this? Friends could sleep together. It wasn’t like it was a rule that was written in stone. Was it smart? Probably not but when had that stopped her before. To Andrea she thought she was stepping up to bat for Lena. That’s the person she wanted to be for her.