Changes
Bakubaby: I finished our project…
Oh? Thanks, sorry I didn’t help you... I guess I’ve kinda been all over the place recently.
Bakubaby: A little...can I see you tonight? Maybe?
Yes, I think that’s a good idea.
Bakubaby: Cool. There’s a party happening that we can go to. I know you like parties.
Okay. Pick me up at 9?
Bakubaby: 9.
10:30 AM
The time is ticking by incredibly slowly and Himiko is anxious. She has plans with Bakugou tonight. They’re going to a party, they’ll have fun together, drink, dance, they’ll be normal. And when the time is right...she’ll tell him the truth.
She has worked it all out in her head. The best way to go about it is just to come clean with him. She can’t let Dabi be right, no , she knows Dabi is not right. Bakugou may not have said the words, but she knows that in his heart, he loves her and she loves him. He’ll forgive her, it won’t be easy and she’s ready to give him the time he needs to go through the motions, but by the end of it he’ll forgive her and they’ll continue on their path to healing and healthy romance.
Should she be telling him this truth in total privacy? Away from any listeners and secret spectators, yes. But heaven forbid there be no witnesses present for when he flips out. Therapy doesn’t work that quickly and his temper has not just disappeared into thin air. It’s buried somewhere inside him, threatening to come out at any given moment when he simply can’t handle himself anymore and considering his reaction last time, she’s terrified of dealing with it on her own.
A sane person would see that as a reason to simply not tell him at all. Save themselves the trouble of even dealing with the backlash, but she has convinced herself that she is better than those sane people. Blatantly lying to his face would be cruel and unfair, he deserves the benefit of the doubt at least...and so does she.
12:00 PM
“Hey man, I know it’s kind of hard to tell, but you seem to be in a good mood.” Kaminari smirks, leaning against the lockers next to Bakugou who’s putting on a fresh shirt.
Bakugou can’t even find it in him to snap at the other blonde. He is in fact in a good mood. Him and his girl have been off for too long and tonight they’re on again. They’re going to smile at each other, she’ll look at him with those pretty eyes of hers, card her fingers through his hair, kiss him and he’ll kiss her back. But more than that, he’s finally going to tell her what she needs to hear from him.
“He doesn’t he? His skin is glowing, his hair doesn’t seem as messy today, and the crease between his brows is soft?” Kirishima jokes, joining in with the two blondes. “Did you and Toga finally make up?”
A smirk cracks across his lips, “maybe.” He shrugs, playing it off as if it’s nothing too serious. But it is. It’s so serious. Come tonight he’ll tell Toga Himiko that he’s in love with her, that he wants to be with her for as long as they’re destined to be together.
“Aww, Baku bro’s got his girl back. Congrats man, you guys are really cute together.” Kirishima smiles, clapping his hand on his shoulder.
“Dude you’re gonna have a great night. Make up sex is the absolute best, I’m telling you.” Kaminari sighs dreamily.
“Shut the fuck up asshole, it ain’t about sex right now. It’s just about getting back on track with her.” He snips, shooting his friend a glare.
“Bakugou is right.” The redhead agrees. “But seriously man, I know a couple months ago I told you you didn’t deserve her and I meant it. That Bakugou had no business being with her...but this one, this guy who’s working his ass off to be nice and considerate, sweet and caring...he deserves the best and I hope you get it.”
Bakugou frowns a little at the sappy words his friend is giving him, but deep inside he appreciates it. It makes him feel good about how he’s progressing, makes him feel more confident about tonight.
“Blow it up your ass, pussy.” He chuckles. “I’ll catch you losers later, I have a lunch thing that I’m late for.”
2:30 PM
The compulsion to go out and pamper herself in preparation for her date came out of nowhere. It’s just the regular college party, but she feels like she should look her absolute best, for Katsuki. It’s the least she can do considering she’s looked like death for weeks now and also considering that she’s going to drop the biggest bomb on him.
She went with Miki to the fanciest salon in the city, getting her hair washed and trimmed, her nails done in his favorite colors black, orange, and army green. She even subjected her poor supple skin to waxing. She’s just trying to make sure that she looks as appealing to him as possible.
“So you’re putting a lot of effort into a normie party...why?” Miki asks with a narrowed gaze. Himiko slurps on her milkshake while rifling through the racks of short and sexy dresses she could wear tonight.
She shrugs her shoulder lamely, humming softly. “I just wanna look good, you know I always look good at parties.”
“I mean yeah, but you got a full body massage... and said it was for the party. And now you’re looking at dresses that are upwards of…” her voice trails off as she looks over a price tag on a dress Himiko is heavily considering. “Wow, 700 sheets. That’s weird and your father will kill you.”
“You don’t think it’s worth that much?” She questions with a small frown.
“Honestly I don’t think any dress that covers only fifteen percent of your body is worth anything remotely close to that much.” Miki replies.
“Okay what about this one?” She says, foregoing that dress and picking out another one. Beautiful red latex, tulip style, asymmetrical hemline.
“Again, it’s a college party, not some weird high class dominatrix sex club.” Her auburn haired friend hangs the dress back on its rack and links her hand with Himiko’s guiding her out of the beloved store before she’s able to get a dress.
“So you know that mini skirt you have? Ahh I think it’s like navy with a really pretty floral print all over it with the slit on the thigh? You impulsively bought it and then wore it once. I think it could go really well with that peach oversized crop sweater that Rachel has.”
Himiko tilts her head as she considers this, it doesn’t sound horrible, but she’s worried about blending in with the crowd. “You think I’m overdoing it, don’t you?”
“Was I not clear on that stance?” The girl chuckles. They stop at the crosswalk and Miko presses the pedestrian button as they wait for their green light. Her eyes glance over to her friend again and again. The question is simmering on her mind, but she really doesn’t want to ask. She already knows the answer. Himiko is freaking out over the prick again.
It makes her skin boil how her friend can become such a different person when in regards to that guy. How much her friend has become a different person. She doesn’t laugh as much, her smiles are phony, she’s so jumpy and anxious all the time. It makes her sick, but she doesn’t want to risk ruining her friendship again. She also doesn’t want to just idly stand by and watch her friend crumble to pieces anymore.
The light switches and they start walking, Miki’s hand subconsciously gripping the blondes tighter. “If I confess something to you, will you confess something to me?” She asks.
“Okay?”
Miki takes a deep breath. “You were right.” She admits. “About..Miki, Akira and I. I love being with them, but I also.. hate being with them. Sometimes I do feel like a third wheel and like they’d be happier without me. My relationship is not as perfect as I want it to be and a lot of the time I don’t know what to do about it and that’s my truth.”
“Oh.” Himiko grunts. “Miki I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it was mean and I was just being petty.”
“But it’s true and I said it so now you be honest with me….are you happy? Are you truly happy with him?”
Now it’s Himiko’s turn to breathe in deeply. Her mouth opens to reply, to say yes, but damn if she isn’t having a hard time saying it. Has anyone even asked her that question before? If so, she can’t even recall it. It feels like she would have said yes as soon as she was asked, but now...now she’s coming up short.
7:15 PM
Bakugou looks stupid in his opinion. He’s been standing in a mirror the last forty minutes having conversations with himself, pretending he’s talking to Himiko. He’s practicing for when he tells her he loves her and nothing he’s saying sounds right.
He sighs heavily, hanging his head in defeat. It shouldn’t be this hard. He wants to say it so why can’t he just let the words come out and they sound good on their own?
“Why...do I love her?” He asks himself, rubbing his hands together. “She’s smart, pretty.” That’s lame. Is that the only reasoning he’s got? There has to be more in there. Something he can say that would make it sound the way he wants it to sound.
“Himiko...you are the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. I like how you accept me for me and …” shit this sounds just as cheesy as Kirishima did earlier.
Could this be a potential sign that maybe he doesn’t love her after all? Or maybe he’s just not ready to say it. Maybe it’s his own insecurities and worries getting in the way again.
He looks at himself in the mirror, long and hard, staring intensely into his own carmine orbs. “Am I wanting to do this because I love her...or because I feel like I have to love her?” He whispers to himself.
The question throws him back to what his friend said earlier. ‘..he deserves the best and I hope you get it.’ He was so genuinely happy to hear that. “I love her, I love her.”
He has been the worst, done the worst and she took it and stood by him all the way through. Where would he ever meet someone like that again? Someone so undeniably loyal and passionate about him. Someone that makes him proud to do better. “I love her... I love you, looney bin.”
“What?”
“What?!” He jumps, head whipping to the bathroom doorway where his roommate stands staring at him.
“I...are you talking to yourself?”
“...no. Why the fuck would I be talking to myself?” He responds defensively, feeling his cheeks heat up.
“But…” he glares at his friend, telepathically telling him to fuck off and forget any and everything he may have heard if he knows what’s good for him. Before the situation can become any more humiliating than it already is, Bakugou slams the door on him and hisses at himself for not having it shut anyways.
Fuck that is...embarrassing. He flips on the tap to the shower deciding to start focusing on getting ready for the big night. Whatever happens tonight, he’s sure it’ll be perfect.
9:00 PM
Himiko’s dorm room door opens to reveal her boyfriend. It feels like she hasn’t seen him in forever, he looks foreign somehow, strange, but nothing has really changed. It hasn’t been forever and he is still the same handsome, rigid blonde she fell for.
He seems hesitant to touch her at first, but she has promised herself that they will be normal tonight so she smiles as widely as she can manage and initiates the physical contact herself. He smells so good, a strong and manly cologne clinging to the fabric of his shirt. His strong arms wrap around her waist, squeezing her tightly and his hand rubs her back gently before settling on her waist.
“I missed you.” She says before he can get any words out. A small smirk graces his face and he leans down to kiss her lips gingerly.
“I missed you too, babe.” He mutters against her lips. “You ready?”
“Mhm.” She nods.
“Don’t keep her out too late, I lock the doors around here at midnight.” Rachel calls from the couch behind her.
“We’ll see what happens.” He shrugs, tugging Himiko out the door with him. She pulls the door closed behind her before letting him lead her to the elevator so they can make their way to this party. She’s had all damn day to come off of her nerves, but she hasn’t and Miki’s question is still boggling around in her head.
Just this morning she was convinced that everything would be fine and tonight would be a good time, but as she stands in Katsuki’s arms, back to chest, his chin atop her head and her eyes watching the elevator doors close, she has the worst feeling in the pit of her stomach.
They’re skating by on free booze and loud music. Other than that, this night feels very heavy between them and Bakugou is sick of it. There is something that she obviously wants to say to him, he can tell from the look in her eyes, and since she feels she can’t say it downstairs they’re going upstairs for a little bit of quiet and solitude.
He pulls her with him into an empty room and kicks the door shut behind them. Himiko is awkwardly standing in the middle of the room with her arms folded across her chest, looking anywhere but at him now. He tries not to let it bother him. He just takes her hand as gently as possible and guides her over to sit down with him on the bed.
His hands cup her cheeks, turning her to face him. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. You said you wanted more communication, so do it. Talk.”
Her eyes slip closed and she sighs heavily, shakily. “I just.. I don’t want you to be mad at me or to..to break up with me.” She whispers.
Bakugou blinks heavily. There’s no need to jump to conclusions here. It’s possible she has a million silly reasons for thinking he would break up with her, but they’re all wrong. It’s just silly reasoning, she hasn’t actually done something break up worthy. “Why would you think that?” He asks carefully. “Himiko if this is because of everything that happened...fuck, babe I’m trying here? Okay, I’m trying my best. I gave you space, I stopped raising my voice, I don’t call you names anymore I-
“No.” She interrupts. “I know you’re trying and I appreciate it really do, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been telling you that more. But that’s just why I’ve been so out of it lately. I just feel even more guilty.”
There’s no need to jump to conclusions here. Maybe she...maybe she’s blaming herself for something he did and is harboring misplaced guilt over it. “Why do you feel guilty?”
Himiko’s hands come up to cover his hands and remove them from her face. She stands and slowly begins pacing in front of him and Bakugou begins counting down in his head to tame his temper. “I just need you to listen okay because it’s a lot and you have to let me explain it all, but just know I didn’t cheat on you, I just really need to put that out there. And Bakugou you cannot put your hands on me.”
Breathe in deeply...breathe out deeply. Control the twitch in his eye. Don’t let his hands turn into fists. “What did you do?” He asks, trying to control the tone of his voice.
She groans, dragging her hands down her face. “It was so stupid. Before we got together I was having this...fling with Dabi and it was fun I guess? He was different and I was being really rebellious against my dad and he’s like everything that my dad would hate. It was never serious and we didn’t have sex, we just messed around occasionally and one day he asked me to do a favor for him and I should have said no, but I was stupid and I wasn’t thinking about the consequences and I said yes.”
Bakugou can feel the muscles in his body tensing up. She’s being evasive, dancing around the real core of the topic. It makes him nervous. “What did you do?” He repeats.
Her hand goes to her mouth and she nibbles on her thumbnail. “Just let me finish first.” She says softly. “I messed up. With the favor. He gave me something important and I got mugged and lost it and he held me responsible for it. I owed him a lot of money for it, but he cut me a deal of sorts and so I paid back some of it but then I had to help him and his friends and this was after we got together which is why I’m telling you because I don’t feel like it’s fair of me to keep it a secret considering what’s going on.”
The blonde male cranes his neck, flexing his hands. He laughs dryly, in frustration, and shakes his head. “ Babe , I’m trying really hard not to...get upset, but it’s kind of hard when you’re not making any sense and you’re driving my anxiety up the fucking wall. So please just do me a favor...and spit it the fuck out.”
“I’m trying. Okay I... I got caught up with some people I shouldn’t have been caught up with and they were at odds with some other people that I really didn’t wanna be caught up with and I got scared and I wanted out but I still owed Dabi the money and I couldn’t just walk away so I had to do something...and what I did was….what I did was... I incited a gangwar and robbed a Yakuza leaders house to payback a debt for drugs that I lost and I’m so sorry I’m so fucking sorry.”
Have you ever had a moment when you can feel something shifting inside you? Literally feel the gears turning and the motions falling into place and jumpstarting a reaction out of you? This is what Bakugou feels as he hears the absurdly ridiculous bullshit coming out of her mouth and as it’s shifting he starts to hear less and less of what she’s saying and all he can focus on are the key words. Gangwar, Yakuza, drugs. Three of the top tier things he would never fuck with in his life and never want to be associated with someone who does fuck with them.
Gangwar. Yakuza. Drugs. Three things that could have gotten her killed. Could have gotten him killed.
He has been the worst and he has done the worst, but he’s repented for his grievous sins. She made him feel like absolute scum and she...she has been lying to him the entire time? She’s been leading a dangerous double life that could have endangered all the people around her because she wanted to piss off her fucking dad? He harbored so much guilt, self hatred, resentment for himself. He thought she was the greatest thing to ever happen to him and finding out now that she’s a lying, sneaky little bitch is flipping his word upside down.
He lifts his head to look at her, but he still can’t hear what she’s saying. He can see the tears on her face, her hands are clasped like she’s pleading to him and none of it registers. All that registers are the lectures he received, the way people talked to him, treated him, defended her against him. They all treated him like he was the only rotten one in this relationship when really...they’re both toxic….he snaps.
He blinks his eyes and the next minute he’s across the room and his hands are around her throat and he’s squeezing and he can’t believe how she could ever do this to him. She lied, she deceived, she manipulated. She’s not a fucking saint. All those nights she crept in. When she claimed she was done with that ugly fucking prick. She made everyone think he was a fucking demon when she’s the goddamn witch that summoned him.
“You fucking bitch ! How stupid could you be?! How fucking stupid could you be?!” He shouts at her with unbridled rage. The only reason he lets go of her is because he’s not a murderer and he’s not about to spend the rest of his life in prison over some whore. That doesn’t mean he’s done with her though. Oh no, she’s going to hear him and hear him well.
Toga collapses to her knees, clutching her throat, coughing and gasping for air. He backs away from her, shunning her when she reaches for his pants leg. “Don’t fucking touch me.” He spits. “You disgust me. I can’t stand the fucking sight of you.”
“K-Katsuki, don’t...say that.” She sobs, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m sorry! I made a mistake, I was depressed and lost! You isolated me from my friends, you were hardly there for me, I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere!”
“Oh fuck you! Fuck you, don’t you fucking dare blame that shit on me! You fucked your life up long before I took pity on you!”
“Pity? You pitied me, really?!”
A malicious grin spreads across his face and he chuckles menacingly. “No you know what, I didn’t pity you. That’s not why I did this.” He crouches down in front of her, catching her wet eyes with his. “I hate you. I hate everything about you. Your voice annoys me. Your touch makes my skin crawl. I hate all your stupid little love gestures, they don’t mean shit to me. I just wanted to own you lemme tell you baby I owned you so fucking good.”
“You were never anything special, just a desperate piece of ass for me to tame and toy with and use til I got bored and the only good thing about you is that you at least knew how to keep shit interesting. But I’m done with you now.”
He could stop there. She’s clearly in pain, he won their game. He hurt her in unimaginable ways and her ragged crying, the look of devastation she hears is proof of that, but Bakugou never knows when to quit and when he cuts he likes to cut deep so deeper he goes.
In a sick mock sense of care, he coddles her on the floor, caressing her hair and cooing at her. His lips press against her ear and he whispers to her, “I don’t ever wanna see you again, I don’t wanna hear from you, don’t text me, don’t call me, don’t look at me, go back to your fucking dealer friend. You were just a replacement, but now I can finally tell you. You make me sick to my stomach.”
Toga struggles in his grasp, shoving him away from her and in a quite surprising moment she hits him with all her might, cracking her small fist across his face. It’s the only bit of fight she’s got left in her though and it barely phases him. He’s still the winner here. The cold hearted, broken hearted winner.
He left her. After spewing the most awful things he could have ever said to her he just up and left her there, crying and dying on the floor. It doesn’t feel real, it feels like a cruel universal joke. Bakugou Katsuki broke up with her... and she should have seen it coming. All the signs that they would never last were there.
Realization is hitting her hard and it’s delivering the blows to her that Bakugou managed not to. A kick to the gut, a punch to the face. He never loved her, he never even liked her and she was a fool to think otherwise. Had she not been so blind, had she not ignored her friends, she could have avoided all of this. She brought it on herself.
She has no idea how long she sat there on that floor. She hardly recognizes the people that drift in and out of the room. Some attempt to talk to her, help her up, ask her what happened. There are others, the lingering bodies that hang around and listen to everything going on. They know. She was humiliated and dumped. They could be nice and just keep it to themselves, but it’s always a lot more fun to laugh at everyone else’s pain.
Eventually she pulls herself up. Bakugou drove her and she’s too ashamed to call her friends so her feet are tasked to carry her to her destination on their own. Where that destination is she doesn’t know until she gets there. And when she does she is tired, her throat is raw, her eyes are burning and her feet are aching. She doesn’t remember knocking, but she did and she’s let inside. She doesn’t remember hugging and crying into Dabi’s chest, but she did. She doesn’t remember going into his room with him either... but she did.
There’s not a bit of rationality within her. Maybe she came here because that’s what he told her to do, he told her to go back to him, so she did. Maybe she came here because she’s desperate for someone to be nice to her, for someone to at least pretend to love her and care about her. And Dabi does a good job of pretending.
The way he kisses her, praises her beauty even though her face is marred with mascara streaks. His touches feel like some kind of love, not the pure and innocent kind that she truly needs, but a good enough kind of love that pushes her to reciprocate solely for the purpose of feeling more.
She does her best not to cry. She doesn’t want to upset him, doesn’t want him to know that the whole she’s with him she’s actually thinking about Bakugou. Flashing back to all the times he touched her, kissed her, looked at her with lust blown eyes. She doesn’t want to remember, but they’re so embedded in her head, ingrained in her being. If Dabi knows her mind is elsewhere he doesn’t really seem to care.
She doesn’t feel any better when he cums. If anything she feels exactly the way Bakugou described her. A toy. And the raven haired male doesn’t help that feeling when he tosses her clothes at her and tells her she can’t stay. She feels her shame grow and she can’t find the words to ask him why, but he reads the question in her eyes as he’s gently pushing her out the door. He has an answer for her and she should have seen that coming to. It’s the same thing he’s already told her before, she doesn’t know why she thought it would be different now.
“We talked about this before. You’re not special...just easy, uh, convenient?” Convenient. She’s convenient.
The next morning Toga wakes up buried beneath her blankets. She doesn’t remember falling asleep and honestly she doesn’t feel like she got much sleep either. She’s not going to class today, she doesn’t have the mental capacity to do anything at all.
Because torturing herself is apparently a kink, she does check her phone. She’s just hoping that maybe he’ll have texted her. Maybe he’ll apologize for last night, ask her to come see him, ask her if he can come see her. No texts from him. She rolls over in her bed and cries.
She hasn’t left her room in two days. Rachel has taken to simply coming in to bring her food and water, checking to see that she’s alive, but other than that the girl is respecting her desire to be alone.
When Ray comes into her room today around lunch it’s not because she’s bringing her food, instead she has come to deliver bad news. “I know you probably don’t wanna hear this.” She starts off, addressing the mound of blankets that makeup Toga’s form on her bed. “Did you sleep with Todoroki’s brother? Because...there’s a video going around and some pictures...and they kind of look like you.”
Oh. Well...she’ll just add that to her list of reasons to hate herself. Why would he do that? Has she been misreading their relationship all along? Does he secretly hate her or something? Perhaps this has just always been who he was. He flipped on his friends so easily without a single remorse. Yeah, the signs were there. Dabi only cares about himself. He blackmailed her into playing with the Yakuza only to expose her anyway. She should’ve seen that coming.
“I’m fully prepared to claim the pictures and the video if you would like to pretend it’s not you.” Her friend offers. Such a good friend. Himiko hasn’t seen the video, but even without she knows damn well that she and Rachel look very different and no one would ever believe it was her, but it’s the symbolism behind it. A good friend. She should’ve listened to her. “The dean is probably gonna want to talk to you.”
Could she be kicked out of school for this? No, that’s against the law. If anything she imagines Dabi will be expelled. They’ll probably tell her parents though. Her father will disown her. For real this time. And what about Bakugou? He’ll never take her back now.
Toga burrows deeper into her blankets, attempting to shut the world out completely. She can’t deal with this right now. Eventually she will, but right now she just can’t. For now, she’ll just tuck in and think about how everything changed.