Show Me Love
Himiko felt like she was drowning in a sea of endless self hatred, embarrassment, and heartbreak. Regardless of how differently she tried to look at things, she couldn’t make her situation better.
Katsuki thought she was the worst fucking woman in the world and he hated her. He said it himself, he’d used her as a temporary replacement for someone else. He didn’t like her, he would never love her. She was and will always be nothing more than a pathetic joke to him. Even just thinking about what he said at the party again, the ferocious glare in his eyes, the hatred seething in his words, it’s enough to make her wail and sob more. Tears she didn’t think she had left in force their way past the brink of her eyes and down her already stained cheeks.
Rachel and Miki were right. All along they had been trying to tell her but she had been so dumb, so stupid and ignorant, blinded by a love she’d created in her head. By a story she wrote and tried to plaster onto her real life. She spent so long being angry with them, missing out on fun times with them, pushing them away all for a guy that did everything to her that they warned her he would.
How had she spent so long looking through the rose colored glasses without ever seeing the tiniest hint of clarity? They were chipped, faded and now there was no more pretending. She was always weird to people before because of her hobbies, the weird way she looked at people, her clingy ways, but now she’s even more of a laughing stock to them because on top of Katsuki humiliating her, Dabi took it upon himself to kick her as well.
That horrid video, all the stupid photos and text messages. They’re still making rounds despite the Dean’s instructions for the other students to knock it off. There’s a fake ViewMe page of her online where they act like she’s a slut, some idiotic whore that they can poke fun at or talk horribly about for their own amusement. Don’t they all know her heart is broken already? Don’t they all know just how tired and abused she is?
Tired. There’s never been a truer statement, she’s just...so...tired. If she could escape this world and go to a better place where she didn’t have to do this anymore, didn’t have to wake up every day to a world of people that hate her..well that would be something. But what if she simply didn’t have to wake up at all?
Rachel and Miki would probably be the only ones sad but they’d get over it quickly, relieved to no longer have her as a burden on their hands. Katsuki would probably be ecstatic, he would no longer have to see her around campus as an awful reminder of just how low he stooped. Dabi simply wouldn’t care, he never cared about her to begin with clearly. It would just be another ordinary day for him.
The weary blonde stands up from her floor, her feet carrying her towards the bathroom. She can’t even feel her feet moving, her steps go unregistered. Nothing she’s doing right now seems real, she just feels very..empty, vacant. She thinks of this as a good sign, she’s resolved in her resolution to end it here and her soul is already leaving her body, just waiting on her to cut the final strings.
If she’s going to die then she would at least like to die with some small bit of happiness so she chooses a razor blade instead of pills. She practically floats to the shower, turning the water on and stepping into the stall still fully dressed. Her eyes gaze at the small bit of steel in her hands and she remembers all those times she read about suicide in the papers and tried to imagine just how much pain someone had to be in to do it. However, she doesn’t feel pain. She feels nothing at all.
Himiko lowers herself to the tile floor, her hand doesn’t tremble as she drags the blade against fragile skin and strikes red. She chose this because she thought maybe her passion for the immaculate beauty that is blood would give her a peaceful death, but still, she feels nothing. Not even as she cuts into the other wrist. Not as she sits there draining her essence.
She doesn’t quite know if it’s the steam from the water that’s clouding her vision or if she’s finally fading away, but it doesn’t matter. It’s finally over, she doesn’t have to do this anymore, from now on she’ll just..not exist. And everything….will be okay.
There’s a knot in his stomach that won’t leave, a painful pricking in his chest that won’t let up. He won’t even bother to lie and say that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him because he does, it’s her. There’s just too much of her leftover. On his skin, in his mind, in his room...she was too embarrassed to come back for the few things she left in his room and he doesn’t blame her after the way he reamed her at the party. So now it’s just been sitting here in his face reminding him of how he crowned himself the world’s biggest bitch in one night.
He shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about anything he said or did because it was her fault. She’s the one who lied to him, she played a dangerous fucking game that could’ve gotten them killed.
‘It’s not like the Yakuza had ever been aware of you’...she worked very hard to make sure she didn’t get her lives crossed and the fact that no one has arrested her yet justifies that statement, but still. He is allowed to be upset about these things. ‘But did you have to scream at her like that? Did you have to choke her?’
His hands dig into his hair, nails scratching at his scalp. He’ll never admit to being wrong. He did that once and just look at where it landed him. No, he needs to stop thinking about her altogether.
He picks up his cell phone from his desk and slips right back into bad habits. Himiko was the drug mule but he’s clearly the druggie and Camie is his drug. He is weak and persistently crawls back to her for whatever reason, because he wants to feel pain, because he wants to feel warmth, to feel loved, whatever he can get from her. And it’s crazy because he knows, he knows after being with Himiko, that Camie is cold, she’s heartless, and a user, but maybe that’s why he feels so compelled to go back to her. Because she’s just like him, she made him this way and they have to stay together because they’d just burn anyone else that they touch.
She responds quickly, of course she does; she’s elated about him being alone again and of course she’ll revel in his misery for her own fun.
She doesn’t look nearly as beautiful to him as she used to look. That sweet doe face looks more like a mask tied around her head and what lies beneath is something grotesque. Something that just takes from him again and again and again.
The way she moans his name makes his head hurt and her hands grazing across his skin stings with a desire to be left untouched, but he still indulges in the parts of him that he hates. He hopes to relieve the anger and sadness he feels inside. The anger of all her lies and deception, of seeing what she looked like when someone that wasn’t him touched her, and the sadness of how incredibly lonely his future looks. In the end he’s accomplished nothing and his release isn’t even satisfying in the slightest sense.
He takes the elevator back to his floor, wanting to get back in his room as quickly as possible so he can wash off the shame drenching his skin. Maybe he’ll ask the guys if they wanna go get drunk tonight. Hell he’ll probably have to go by himself since they’re giving him a cold shoulder right now. That thought just makes him worse. Fuck them for not having his back and being on her side. They were his friends, how could they not support him?
The elevator bell dings and the doors open allowing him to exit, but before he can step out his traitorous friend blocks his exit. He frowns in confusion taking in Kirishima’s appearance. Keys in his hands, his breath is ragged like he’s been running all over the building, his eyes blown wide and full of fear and panic. He opens his mouth to ask him what his deal is and Kirishima beats him to punch. The words tumbling out his mouth quickly and desperately. “Katsuki...I-I’ve been looking everywhere for you man. It’s Himiko...they just took her.”
He raises an uncertain eyebrow, nothing he’s saying makes sense. Who took Himiko? The police? What does that have to do with him? They’re done. “I don’t give a shit, she ain’t my problem anymore.” He mutters, shoving past the redhead to head to his room. He doesn’t wanna think about her anymore. “Bakugou!” He hears Kirishima shout behind him. That’s not what causes his feet to stop moving and his entire body to freeze up. It’s what he says next that knocks the breath out of his lungs and sends his heart lurching. “She tried to kill herself, you dick! She’s in the hospital.”
Oh no...oh no..’.Himiko?’
Oh, God, I need to belong to someone
I miss the breath of a kiss
I miss the wonder of a future with somebody
Oh, God, show me love
I miss belonging to someone
I miss the kiss of another
I miss the morning, I miss the waking up
I need someone to hold my hand, bigger than mine
Oh, God, where are you?
Show me love
Bakugou is still in shock, but regardless of the shock his body was moving on its own. Kirishima drove him to the hospital breaking speed limits and running lights the whole way there in an effort to get his friend to the place he needed to be most right now. But Bakugou’s mind has been fractured by this news. How does he process this? Himiko...tried to kill herself? While he was lying with someone that is no good for him, she was in so much pain that she tried to end her life?
What has he done? Oh God what has he done? He cannot lose her, not like this. All those memories he wanted to forget are flocking back to him tenfold. Slamming into the forefront of his mind and playing at rapid speed in front of his eyes. Her laugh, her smile, her touch, her gifts, her stupid jokes, everything. His ears are ringing with echoes he may never hear from her again. ‘I love you, Katsuki.’ All the times he never said it back and should have. ‘I love you so much.’
If it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so bad?
Cause the thing that we had seemed like everything
Never thought we would be torn apart by a change in the wind or a cloud in the sky
We were always
And you showed me love of the deepest kind
And I will never find another love like you showed me love
And now I see
He’s tearing off his seatbelt and running from the car before Kirishima can even come to a full stop. The knot in his stomach growing tighter and the pain in his heart threatening to explode at any given moment. He practically flings himself against the front desk, frantically demanding to know what room she’s in. He can’t see her yet because they’re still operating, but they could at least tell him where to wait. He doesn’t have time for the holdup. The mere minutes it takes her to give him directions feels like years, but at least now he knows where he can find her.
If it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so bad?
Cause the thing that we had, it was everything
Never thought we would be torn apart by a change in the wind or a cloud in the sky
We were always
There’s people scattered about the waiting room for all different kinds of reasons, but his red eyes are locked on one particular group. Her friends, Rachel, Miki and two others he doesn’t recognize. The guy and girl are consoling a crying Miki while Rachel chatters away on the phone with whom he can only assume is Himiko’s family. He makes his way over to them hoping that they can tell him something, anything.
Rachel casts a glance over her shoulder, doing a double take when she sees him. She quickly finishes her conversation and hangs up her phone, shoving it into her pocket and spinning on her heel to meet him halfway, but he’s -shockingly- surprised by the way her fist cracks across his cheek, snapping his head to the side.
Her reaction only manages to throw him for a small loop before he realizes that of course she’s mad at him. She gave him a chance, trusted him and this is what he does. But right now isn’t the time for them to fight is it? Not when Himi needs them.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve showing your face here.” She spits at him in a tone full of so much anger and hatred, so much emotion that he once thought she was incapable of. Her moonlit eyes are like blue lightning crashing into rampant waves in a hurricane, tearing up everything in their sight and right now he’s the only thing in her sight.
He sees the next blow coming, but he doesn’t even attempt to stop her because he knows he deserves it. “Rachel.” He hears Miki call out. “Stop it, now isn’t the time.”
“Fuck the time.” Rachel hisses back. “There has never been a more perfect time to put this self righteous, indignant asshole in his place.”
“I’m sorry.” He blurts out to her. “I’m an asshole I know that, but all I wanna do right now is make sure she’s okay. Just..please,” his heart clenches, “please tell me she’s gonna be okay.”
The blonde’s eyes narrow and she laughs softly, a deranged sound. “You’re impossible.” She mutters out, a few tears slipping down her cheeks. “You wanna make sure she’s okay? It took her trying to kill herself for you to actually give a damn about her?”
That’s not true..he gave a damn. “I cared. I care, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t!” He protests.
“Oh shut up! Stop lying to yourself! Stop lying to us!” She shouts, shoving him back. “You had months to get your shit together and you didn’t! Tell me, what was so awful about her? God, fuck, I get it! She’s clingy, needy, a little weird, but Jesus, what was so wrong about someone loving you so much that you had to treat her the way you treated her!? She’s my best friend and I watched her break and rebuild herself trying to be the perfect girlfriend for you never gave a flying fuck! I trusted you! I didn’t protect her from you and I should have instead actually believing that you could be different.”
Katsuki’s lip trembles and he bites down defiantly. His fists ball at his side and everything in him wants to scream that she’s wrong and she needs to shut up, but he would just make a liar out of himself. Rachel is right, he treated her so horribly. “I can fix it.” He forces himself to say, trying to keep his voice steady and even. “You have every right to hate me, but do you honestly think this is what I wanted? I would’ve never wished this on her. I love her.” Those three words came out so easily. He loves her, he really truly does and he would give any and everything in this moment just to be able to tell her that and hold her in his arms.
Rachel is not buying his confession, she laughs in his face, mocking his feelings. “You love her? You stupid prick, if you loved her then why did you hurt her so badly? Do you have any idea how low people have to be to want to kill themselves? How worthless they must feel? You did that to her Bakugou Katsuki! She was so full of life and happy and you came in and dragged her so far down that she didn’t want to breathe anymore.”
The gravity of the situation finally breaks her voice cracks as her floodgates open. Her friends support her, shielding her with hugs and stroking her back while all he can do is stand there and watch as his own eyes well up with tears. He’s done more than just ruin Himiko’s life and drive her past her brink. He’s hurt all these people too by hurting someone they deeply cared about. Someone they loved, truly loved, better than he could have ever loved her.
He feels a heavy hand clasp his shoulder and he suddenly becomes hyper aware of Eijirou's presence behind him. His friend’s eyes looking at him somber and confirming what he’s just realized. He wants to be here, he needs to be here, but he doesn’t belong here. Not in her precious circle that he has exiled himself from. He has to leave, but he doesn’t want to. He’s so scared about what will happen if he does. What if he never sees her again, what if this is his only chance?
You showed me love of the deepest kind
I will never find another love like you showed me love
Now I see
As if reading his mind, Kirishima hugs him around the neck and murmurs in his ear, “she’ll be okay, bro. At least you know she’s still here.” But he hasn’t seen her yet, he hasn’t apologized to her for being the worst.
Kirishima tugs at him, trying to pull him away from the place he’s least wanted at right now. Away from all the nosy onlookers, away from Himiko. She’s slipping away from him for good this time and he can’t seem to stop it.
Being told that it will be okay and that he will see her again just feels like a stupid empty promise. He doesn’t want to hear that from anyone but her. He wants her to wake up and tell her that she forgives him for all his stupidity and blunders and in turn he’ll tell her that he’ll never fuck up again. He’ll tell her that she was always right, that he loves her and they belong together. They’ll get married and have as many kids as she wants. Him, the football star with the beautiful nurse wife and their ten kids.
These thoughts are all he has to cling to as the time starts to pass. One day, two days, three days and he’s got their future planned out entirely. Where they’ll live, what they’ll name their kids, how many pets they’ll have. Wednesday’s will be dedicated to family time and games with the children after he and Himiko chef up a masterful meal because he’ll teach her how to cook. Saturday’s will be solely for them though. He’ll wine and dine her, lavish her in gifts and compliments, stare at her with so much love and bless the heavens for how lucky he is. And when they get old they’ll go together, peacefully in their sleep and they’ll reunite in the afterlife. It has to work this way because if it doesn’t he has no idea what he’ll do.
Between planning their future he’s been trying his hardest to speak to anyone about how she’s doing, but damn if they’re willing to tell him anything. Don’t they know how agonizing this is for him? He’s a wreck over here, he’s barely slept, barely eaten, hasn’t been to class all week. He can’t focus on the bare necessities when all that’s on his mind is his girl.
Since nobody will return his texts and calls today he is dropping by Rachel’s room to talk to her in person. She can be mad all she wants, but he deserves to know if she’s okay too. His fist knocks rapidly at the door, his mind frazzled and his patience none existent at this point. His skin itches with anticipation, the wait for the door is nerve wracking. He hears some quiet chatter from inside and the door handle turns slowly, the door cracking open slightly.
His bloodshot eyes glance through the crack and down to the blonde locks of the very person he came to inquire about. Himiko. She’s alive. She’s looking at him with those pretty eyes of her, those eyes that don’t offer hate and resentment. His hands feel so clammy and his breathing is uneven. It’s almost like he’s dreaming and he just wants to grab her and make sure she’s real.
“Himiko, hurry up we have to finish packing.” He hears from inside the room.
“Yes, father.” She calls over her shoulder. “I’ll just be a minute.” She adds as she steps outside and closes the door gently behind her. He throws his arms around her in the next instance, unable to hold back any longer. She’s real. She fits perfectly in his grasp.
“I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so fucking worried about you.” He tells her before planting a kiss on the top of her head.
“I heard.” She replies quietly. He finally notices that even though he’s holding her, she’s not holding him back. He pulls back a little, trying to get a good look at her face, but she won’t look at him.
“Himiko..why are you packing?” He questions as that man’s voice dawns on him. “Why is your father here?”
She shrugs slightly, wiggling free of his hold and putting far too much space between them for his comfort. She still won’t look at him. Her hand comes up to scratch idly at her neck and he sees the heavy bandages and feels a twinge of guilt. “I’m leaving Bakugou. My uh..my father thinks it’s a good idea if I go back home and I agree.”
“F-for how long?” He asks immediately. If she just needs a short break from school he can understand , but if she’s leaving for good...no. He can’t have that.
“I think we both know the answer to that.” She says.
In time, this heart may heal (in time, this heart may heal)
Take a while 'fore you know the way to be whole again
And together, we will move mountains far
Take a reach for a prayer that begins with a story of old
Never ended here
“Himi…” he practically croaks, stepping towards her. She backs away instinctively, her back hitting the door leaving with nowhere else to go. “I’m sorry.” He tells her. “I’m so sorry baby, please..just forgive me. We can get past this. I know we can.”
“You’re right, we can pass this...and we will...but separately.” No.
“Himiko I need you here.”
“I need space.”
You showed me love of the deepest kind
I will never find another love like you showed me love
Now I see
Now I can see you
And you showed me, showed me love of the deepest kind
And I will never find a love like you
She finally looks up at him and the void in her eyes terrifies him. He’s never seen her look at him with so much..nothing. As if everything she felt for him has just disappeared overnight. He can’t have her do that to him.
He knows it’s clearly against better judgment, but he’s more desperate now than he ever has been. He quickly closes the space between them and cups her cheeks in his hands, peppering pathetic kisses over her face and he feels more of his heart crumbling as she fights against him, turning her head away. Whose tears are these? “I love you, Toga Himiko.”
You showed me love of the deepest kind
No, no, no
Nobody, there's nobody like you
Now I see you
Now I see, hmm
Her hands press against his chest, pushing him away from her slowly and his own hands latch onto her tender wrists holding them there, hoping she can feel the way his heart is about to pop out of his chest.
“Bakugou…” she starts, swallowing thickly and forcing herself to meet his eyes again. “I can’t love you and I know you don’t really love me. You’re just confused right now.”
“I’m not!” He bellows at her. She flinches and his eye twitches, irritated with himself for scaring her. This time he wraps around her waist tightly, pressing her into his chest. “I fucking love you, do you hear me?! Just..just fucking say it back.” He begs, gritting his teeth together.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I can’t. I..Bakugou-“
“Stop! Stop calling me that! Call me by my name, tell me you love me and we can fix this! We’ll be better than we ever were Himiko, I promise. We were destined by the cosmos, remember?”
You showed me love and I thank you
And I need you and I miss you
You
You showed me love
You showed me love
Of the deepest kind, and I will never find a love
A love like you
The door behind her opens and he’s met with the angry eyes of her father. His nostrils flare and he growls at Katsuki and Katsuki growls back, clinging tighter to her because he won’t let this man have her. She belongs with him.
You showed me, you showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me, yeah
You showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me love of the deepest kind
“You let go of my daughter!”
“Bakugou, please, I wanna go with my dad!” She doesn’t mean that, obviously. She hates her dad. She loves him and she wants to stay here. He continues to tell himself this even as she struggles against him and her father attempts to pull her away.
This isn’t like how he imagined. She’s supposed to be melting in his arms and forgiving him. Why is she fighting so hard?
I will never find a love
You showed me love
You showed me love
I will never find a love like you
Love
“Why are you doing this?” He asks her, his voice watery and weak. “You promised you would never leave me...so please…please don’t.” He’ll never have this again. He’ll never have that happiness, the warmth, the serenity again. She’s the only person who will ever love him unconditionally like that and he needs that, he needs her so bad. She wasn’t perfect, she made her mistakes, but so did he and that makes them perfect for each other.
“Katsuki, let me go!” Her words cut through him like knives. She really wants that? She really wants him to let her go. His grip loosens not by choice but because he has simply lost all his strength.
You showed me love
You showed me, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Of the deepest kind, the best kind of love
Himiko allows herself to be pulled away by her father who’s dragging her inside, out of his life. “Just forget about me.” She cries, “cause I’m gonna forget about you! I was wrong, okay, there are no cosmos for us!”
I'm so sorry; now I see you
Oh, God
‘I love you, Katsuki. I love you so much.’ The words are distorted, bouncing against the walls, dancing in front of his eyes, taunting him. They’re tinged in black, crumbling and falling to pieces. Is this it? Will he never hear her say those words again?
The sound of the door slamming in his face is loud and it silenced everything else going on around him. He can’t hear, he can’t think, all he can see is the never before imposing door keeping him away. His hand shakily rises, palming it as if it’ll gracefully disappear and allow him through.
“I love you.” He whispers in pain.
And it's too late, it's too late
Oh, God