Pressure
“More details surrounding the arrests that were made during a police raid have come to light.”
“They have indeed Juan, and the case just gets stranger and stranger by the minute. For those of you don’t know, let’s go over the facts again, shall we?”
“Late evening, April 19th, police received an anonymous phone call tipping them off to what turned out to be a gang war in the making, going down at an old abandoned warehouse. When police arrived the violence had hardly even begun, but shots were certainly fired after the fact.”
“Indeed they were Michelle. We now have an official update for injuries occurred during this incident. It appears two officers were shot, along with two gang members and two members were also said have died on the scene. A handful of arrests were made with no escapes. Alongside several weapons and multiple rounds of ammunition, copious amounts of drug paraphernalia were confiscated at the scene as well.”
“In an even weirder twist, we have received word now that cops were called to another incident as well that night. And this incident? In the very neighborhood of one of the arrested gang members, Chisaki Kai. It turns out that there was a break in at his home while Chisaki was going head to head to rival gang members and police officials. Right now it’s believed that whoever broke into his home had knowledge of the show down and used the opportunity to break in.”
“Unfortunately for the intruder or intruders, one of Chisaki’s men who was not at the warehouse came home early and interrupted which, according to residents in the neighborhood, led to a chase throughout the vicinity that ended in a bloody mess. We go to Hugh for on site details about the event, what do you have for us Hugh?”
“Thank you Juan. I’m here with Nicoli Cardaci, a young man who was there the night the robbery occurred. Nicoli, what can you tell us about that night?”
“It was crazy. I was...terrified. I was just coming home from hanging out with my friends and out of nowhere this girl runs into the middle of the street and this guy goes right after her. I didn’t even have enough time to stop and I just..I hit him.”
“You hit the pursuer with your car?”
“Yeah.”
“And what happened after that?”
“That was even crazier. I was crying and people were looking, the girl, she looked like she was gonna run but she stopped and she came back and she started helping him. She made me call for help, she bandaged his leg, she knew what she was doing, she took good care of him before she ran off again and it didn’t make sense, but I’m also kind of glad she was there because he could’ve bled to death if it weren’t for her.”
“Crazy indeed Nicoli. The store is the same with many residents, all of them shocked, puzzled, and deeply confused. We have no answers and neither do police. Back to you guys in the studio.”
“Thank you Hugh. As he said, right now there are no leads, but the police are still on the case, seeking to find the connection between the mystery caller, the raid, and the woman who saved a man she robbed.”
Himiko quickly exits out of the video and slams her phone down on the desk. Her body is trembling, her breathing is heavy and labored. She’s absolutely terrified. The media outlets are soaking this story up and the more they talk about it, the more they find. It’s only a matter of time before a picture or video of her helping that guy surfaces. Sure, she disguised herself, but what if someone she knows sees her? Or what if someone rats out Dabi and then he rats out her? She would like to think that the League members aren’t snitches, but they have to be putting the dots together.
How bizzare for one of their own to leave right before they’re ambushed. What perfect timing he must have. How strange it is that someone reported the incident before it even happened. How oddly ironic that a woman with medical know how broke into Chisaki’s home the same night they were engaging in combat. They have to know, they simply have to and if they don’t snitch, that just means they’ll be coming for them when they get out. They’ll kill her. They’ve already killed two others and that is weighing on her heavy too.
It’s her fault. She caused this mess, by playing big girl, planting bugs in people’s ears, psyching these dangerous men up for war with each other. She wishes she had never met Dabi. She wishes she had never done something so stupid. Her father will surely disown her for this, her friends will disappear, and Bakugou...good God if he ever found out. She can feel the anger he would have for her in the pits of her soul. Would he scream at her? Yell and insult her? Maybe he’d be angry enough to put hands on her. Or maybe he’d be too angry to say and do anything at all, he would just...leave. Her entire world would come crumbling down because she made horrible decisions.
The mental guilt is crushing her in every aspect. Her grades are suffering, she can’t focus at work, she’s not sleeping at night, she’s becoming distant with her inner circle, and she’s disassociating from herself, from everything. Her days are spent drowning in thoughts about what’s going to happen to her when she gets caught. Several hours have passed in her days where she mindlessly scrolls on her phone looking at different countries she can flee to, pricing the cost of restarting her life and changing her identity. Unfortunately for her, nowhere seems far enough.
“Psst, Himi, your love gremlin is here.” Ugh, great. Any other time she’d be soaring hearing Miki say those words, but right now she wishes for him to be anywhere other than the cafe.
Getting up to go and face him feels like as much of a chore as facing anyone these days. She shuffles tiredly to the front of the shop, dreary and bloodshot eyes casting a glance over all the happy patrons until they settle on her personal patron. His hair is wet with sweat, he hasn’t even changed out of his football uniform. Oh...his uniform...she was supposed to go to the game tonight. It was the whole reason she’d agreed to switch shifts with Miki...so she could go to the game...and she missed it.
Judging by the trophy in his hand they obviously won and it was probably a good game, but she can’t even find the energy to smile and apologize. She just stares at him and he stares back at her, shuffling awkwardly in his spot until he shrugs and mutters out a greeting. It hardly feels natural, as if he’s not sure he should be talking to her, as if he’s not sure ‘hey’ is the word he’s looking for.
“I noticed you weren’t at the game…” he continues quietly.
“Didn’t stop you from winning.” She replies just to seem somewhat conversational. She misses the way that his shoulders slump at her reply. Instead she just catches the slight turn of his head, the kissing of his teeth, and the grip on his award.
“Couldn’t let the team down.” There’s an edge of defeat in his voice that her ears don’t pick up on. “Are you pulling a double or something?” He asks, glancing at her with red pearls.
“No?” She replies, frowning slightly in confusion.
“I just asked because ...you didn’t show up Himi, and you’re still here so I figured. You could’ve at least answered your phone by the way. I went all the way back to the dorms looking for you only for whatshe- I mean..Rachel, to tell me that you were still here.”
Himiko sighs heavily, lamely shrugging. The sound of her hand smacking against her thigh sounds oddly loud in the tense space between them. “I’m sorry okay, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just…. I am not feeling it lately.”
“Not feeling what...me?” He asks carefully.
“No Katsuki, not everything is about you or us okay? I’m just fucking tired and I’m going through a lot and I just don’t have time for..for this.” She explains motioning to all the things around them.
When Bakugou takes two steps away from her, she immediately knows that she’s said everything all wrong and he has taken her misspoken words as a cue that he has done something wrong here and that is not the case.
“I-“
“No. It’s okay, that’s my fuck up, I’ll just leave I guess.” He interrupts. “I’ll see you when you decide to come back? If you want, maybe, I don’t know, I just...later Himiko.” His back is to her before she can apologize and honestly she doesn’t make much of an attempt to do so because the energy is simply not there. The lack of motivation to apologize to him turns into more guilt for her to carry on her shoulders. He’s been trying so hard this past month. Going out of his way to be nice to her, trying to communicate better, and working on his toxicity and Toga has barely acknowledged the efforts. It’s hard to acknowledge anything when she’s so absorbed in her own nightmare.
She turns to go back into the office and torture herself more with news reports when she notices Miki standing there, watching her with a curious gaze. Normally she would expect Miki to be grinning spitefully and cracking jokes about how Bakugou deserves anything she throws at him because he’s shit, but she’s so surprised when her friend says..
“I know that I have greatly expressed how much I hate that guy, but even I have to say that was pretty rough to watch. I mean it’s not my relationship so do what you will I guess, but I just feel…I don’t know? If you’re not gonna forgive him and just give him shit then maybe just break up with him instead of letting him kiss your ass like a kicked puppy.”
Himiko’s eyes slip down and she hugs herself. That’s not what she’s doing...is it? “Was it that bad?”
“Full disclosure, he looked pretty happy when he walked in here. Not smiling or whatever but that usual air of pride that he has? He was obviously excited to show off his winning trophy to you and when you came out looking all..this, he kind of just deflated the entire time. It was really sappy, like telling a dog they’ve been a bad boy and then the look of hurt they give you just kills you with a crushing sadness.” Oh God, she’s a monster.
Nobody can ever tell Bakugou that he isn’t trying, because he is. He has been going to therapy faithfully. He has been sticking with his calming techniques. He has been trying to find comfort in being more personally open with his girlfriend and it really seems like it’s all for nothing. He can’t even pinpoint the exact minute that Toga officially stopped giving a fuck, but he knows that she has.
She doesn’t look at him with sparkles in her eyes anymore. She hardly replies to his messages, doesn’t answer his calls. If they talk in person she’s dry and hardly paying attention. It makes it difficult for him to keep trying because he knows she doesn’t care, but he wants her to care because he’s reached the conclusion that he doesn’t want to lose her.
And tonight? The way she made him feel when she didn’t show up to his game and when she dismissed him at the cafe? Embarrassing, heart breaking. Maybe it’s a stupid thing to want, and maybe normal and healthily functioning people don’t want this, but he just wants her to acknowledge what he’s doing. He just wants her to feel proud of him for how far he’s come. She doesn’t have to bow down at his feet, she doesn’t need to shout it to the world, but hug him, kiss his cheek, ruffle his hair. The smallest little thing would be enough at this point.
He wanted to ask her out to dinner tonight so they could celebrate together, but now he’s spending his time alone in his room with takeout. He could have gone out with the other guys, but he rejected their offer because he was so stupidly sure that Toga would at least share this moment with him. He played himself.
Every time his phone vibrates he picks it up hoping it’s his girlfriend telling him she’s on her way, but it’s not. Just the stupid group chat blowing up. He doesn’t want to turn the phone off though because what if she does text? So he resigns himself to torture.
When his take-out is gone and he grows tired of watching idiots on tv, he decides that staying inside and moping is not the best course of action for him. He slips on some sweats and his shoes and figures a long walk would probably help him clear his head.
He’s only just made it to the front of the dorm when he comes face to face with Rachel. It’s his second time seeing her tonight and just like the first he feels compelled to ask where her roommate is, but he refrains. Bakugou side steps and holds the door open for her so she may enter instead.
She stares at him with all her fucking weirdness and he feels increasingly creeped out. What is with her and how does Toga share a room with her and never feel like this girl is plotting her demise or something?
“You goin’ in or what?” He grunts, growing tired of this awkward charade.
“Where’s Toga?” She questions, ignoring him.
“Work.” He replies quickly.
“But she’s off…”He knows. He doesn’t reply to her this time, just grips the door a little harder and his jaw clenches.
Her friends don’t like him, that much he knows and this one in particular has a mouth on her. He doesn’t want to get into it with her, he doesn’t want her slamming him or blaming him for Toga’s current depression. He knows he’s the reason so if they could just leave him alone about it. “Do you wanna walk with me?” She asks out of the blue.
“‘Scuse me?”
“Guess I should’ve asked if I could walk with you since you were the one initially going on the walk. Either way though, would you like to have company?”
Not really, but he gets the vibe that Rachel is the kind of person who would follow him anyways if she really felt like it. He lets go of the door and starts off down the concrete path towards the sidewalks and she indeed follows him, easily following into step with his slow pace.
Maybe she just likes going on night walks. There can’t be any other reason as to why she would be joining him. They aren’t friends, neither of them are the type to pretend with each other, so why? He doesn’t ask. If they have to have some kind of harrowing discussion with each other then he would prefer to have it after he’s had a moment to enjoy his walk as much as he can.
Occasionally his eyes glance down at her just to see if she’s staring at him, but her eyes are forward the entire time. Her body is relaxed, the air around her seems easy, she’s quiet...she’s not ruining this and oddly, her presence feels more comfortable than he thought it would. She smells like the ocean and every time the wind blows her hair the scent gets stronger. It’s relaxing, like he can almost picture himself at the beach, toes buried in the sand, relaxing as he watches the waves come in.
Perhaps this is why Toga likes rooming with her. She’s like a tiny stress ball, only you don’t have to squeeze her to feel relaxed.
“I really do like your friend, ya know?” He admits for some reason. “And I know that I was the biggest dick in history to her and she didn’t deserve that, but this isn’t just an act. I’m not just trying to fool her, I really do care about her.”
“That’s great and all, but I’m not really here to talk about Toga.” She replies nonchalantly, tucking thick strands of hair behind little ears.
“Oh?” He grunts.
“Mhm. I mean I love her and she’s my best friend, but my whole world doesn’t revolve around Toga...and, yours probably shouldn’t either.”
His steps stutter just slightly. This isn’t the first time that Rachel has said something to him that made him feel like she was a strange kind of friend to have. What does she mean by that? Is it a warning? Is she telling him that having his world revolve around Toga is only going to lead to pain when she inevitably dumps his ass?
If she knows something then he wants to know too. He stops walking, grabbing her shoulder to make her pause too and leverages her around to face him. “What are you trying to tell me?” He questions demandingly.
“Was I not clear? Toga is not the center of my life, and she doesn’t have to be yours either. It’s not very healthy to centralize someone.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be saying the opposite? She’s your best friend.”
“You sure do like echoing I see.” She mutters causing him to glare at her. “You don’t have to spend every minute of your life focusing on your partner to be a good partner. Focusing on yourself is also key to having a healthy relationship, because if you’re exerting all your efforts trying to be perfect for her you’re going to exhaust yourself and eventually you’ll start getting depressed because you’re neglecting yourself. So...again, I’m not here to talk about Toga. We’ve shared classes together, you’ve been to my dorm room, we’ve eaten in the cafe together and I know virtually nothing about you. Walk with me and tell me how your day was.”
After all this time, he’s still being toxic? Is that what she’s telling him? How on earth could putting someone else first be toxic? Or maybe he’s not hearing her clearly and he’s only hearing what he wants to hear. His therapist did tell he does that a lot. Deep breath in, hold it for five seconds, and deep breath out. ‘Don’t get overwhelmed.’ There’s no need to be overwhelmed.
“It was alright, I guess.” He answers. Rachel nods at him and resumes walking, he falls into step next to her.
“Same. Does that ever bother you? The ‘mundane’ act of repeatedly doing the same things day in and day out.”
He’s never really thought about it. “I mean, I do what I have to?”
“I feel the same..kind of. I actually like the repetitive actions, I know what’s expected of me on a daily basis and this way I don’t have to be anxious about what’s to come if I just stick to my pattern.”
“That’s stupid.” He scoffs out before he can stop himself. “You know different shit happens every day right?”
“I mean yeah obviously, but what I’m saying is, as long as I have my routine I’m okay. For example, every day I wake up at seven. I take a hot shower, make coffee, eat waffles and read one chapter of whatever book I’m reading. When it’s time to go to class, I leave early so I can be five minutes early. I always go to lunch at the same time with at least one other person. On Wednesday’s when I have night class, I take a nap for forty-five minutes. After class I study for two hours and on Tuesday’s and Friday’s Shinsou comes over, we watch a movie and then have a discussion about the plot and characters. So just simple things like that. As long as I don’t break that routine I find it a lot easier to feel less anxious about my days.”
It doesn’t sound like anything spectacular, but he imagines that it means a whole lot more to her than it sounds to him. But he thinks he gets it. She has this routine because should anything ever go wrong in her day, she’ll always have something positive to look forward to. What does he have? Other than football and...you know who.
“Do you think other people should inhabit routines like these?” He wonders aloud.
“Mhm. I know we said we weren’t gonna talk about her, but just for example sake. You had a very football game today, I know Toga wasn’t there, I know she’s not here now so..what did you have to look forward to afterwards?”
“Nothing.”
“Exactly. Having a routine will keep you from this really pathetic display of anguish.”
“Gee thanks.” He grumbles.
“You are welcome.”
The two of them continue their walk with no real destination in mind, but Bakugou isn’t bothered by that fact. He likes this, the comforting air around Rachel, the lack of judgement she appears to have for him, and he likes not thinking about his horrible relationship. It feels almost like he’s gone back to a time in his life when he was much younger and he didn’t have so much shit to worry about. When all he was doing was just existing peacefully.
Perhaps it’s because she’s a psych major, but the girl does have a way about her. It’s the blossoming of a friendship he never envisioned himself having, but one that doesn’t seem like a horrible idea. And really he feels like he needed this talk with her so he could decipher all the shit he’s heard around campus.
She has never been locked in a psych ward despite what the idiots say. She did spend years in intensive therapy and she has no problem admitting that she does take antidepressants and antipsychotics, but she has never been locked up. She just has a lot of emotional baggage because she witnessed her parents die and the orphanage she grew up in afterwards was less than friendly.
It doesn’t bother her that people have crazy ideas about what kind of person she is. If anything she welcomes it because it keeps them away from her. She’s...funny and he didn’t expect that. It’s not outright humor, it’s very dry and dark humor, but she’s funny.
By the time the end of the walk comes he doesn’t feel nearly as stressed and anxious as he did when he left. He’s not kicking himself or thinking the worst. He’s calm, in a good head space.
The next day as he’s walking into the cafe for lunch he notices Rachel is sitting at a small table and Shinsou is with her. She’s sticking to her routine. He could sit with one of his friends, but instead he makes his way over to the blondes table where Shinsou immediately looks at him with skepticism. He ignores it and focuses his gaze solely on Rachel.
“Can I join your damn routine?”
It’s almost 1 in the morning when Himiko knocks hesitantly on Dabi’s door. She’s got no other idea what to do at this point. She needs to talk to someone so she can get these worries off her chest and Dabi is the only one she can actually talk to about it without fear of consequences. She waits there in her spot, rubbing her hands together through the sleeves of her pajamas, hear head swiveling around to check the halls. Her paranoia is increasing by the second.
As soon as the door is opened a small crack she lunges, shoving her way through and slamming it shut behind her. Dabi isn’t exactly thrilled to have her, or anyone, dropping by his room this late and so rudely, but his annoyance wears off easily when he starts to think about why she could be here. Alone, in such small shorts that are barely visible under her sweater. “Could you be here for a much needed booty call?” He chuckles, his voice still heavy with sleep.
“Wha- no! Dabi I’m here because I am freaking out.” She exclaims in a hushed whisper. Her bare feet pad across the room as she paced back and forth, nibbling at her nails. “I’m gonna get caught, we’re gonna get caught.”
“Toga.”
“God, how could I be so stupid? I should’ve worn a mask or something! I- I..oh God, people died!” Her breathing is erratic, heavy, she’s hyperventilating. All her panic and worries are finally crushing her and the weight is too much to bear. She can’t get the news out of her head, ‘I killed people. I killed people.’ The unpleasant mantra is said over and over again in her head, shaming her, blaming her, it’s all.her.fault.
Dabi isn’t a caring kind of person, but for the sake of saving his own ass he knows that he needs to calm Toga down. If she keeps on like this she’s liable to run to the police to try and clear her conscience and he can’t have that.
He approaches her from behind, planting firm and heavy hands on her slender shoulders. “Hey hey, calm down, alright?” He whispers, in a hushed, cooing voice. One of his hands slips down her arm to take her hand. He pulls her with him to his room, shutting the door behind him. He’s lucky he doesn’t have a roommate, but he also doesn’t want to have this kind of conversation so close to the door either.
The raven male sits the little blonde down on his bed and he sits next to her, brushing her hair down. Fuck, he hates how pretty she is. The soft, blonde hair, tinted chubby cheeks, and pretty amber eyes. A nice face paired with a body like hers, small, tight, curvy; this girl has been on his hit list ever since he first laid eyes on her. And things were so good at first, those special little privileges she granted him. But she never let him seal the deal, always so obsessed and caught up on some idiot. And where is that idiot now? Nowhere to be seen.
He’s not happy about the potential crisis that comes along with her guilty feelings, but is he thrilled about the opportunity to capitalize on her current vulnerability? Of course. “Listen to me, everything is gonna be okay. You didn’t kill anyone, you weren’t even there.”
“No, but...but I set it all up.” She sniffles, wiping at her teary eyes.
“You called the police. Had you not, don’t you think things would have been a lot worse? It’s not your fault that those idiots decided to shoot at cops and thought they’d get away with it.”
She sighs heavily, her head hanging pitifully. “Dabi, I just can’t make light out of a situation I created because of the stupid decisions I made. I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I don’t think anything could make me feel better right now.”
Oh the smirk that he has to fight off. He cups her chin, lifting her face to look at him. “Look, you did what you had to do to save yourself. I mean, how long did you expect Shigaraki to put up with you? You knew too much, he wasn’t just going to let you go. You did everyone a favor getting that dirtbag and especially those Yakuza pricks off the street.”
Her lips part to protest, but nothing comes out. She’s processing what he’s saying and it makes sense to her. She did them a favor. She did what she had to do. “Well...what about if they find out? What if he knows it was me? Us?”
“Don’t be worried about that. They’re not getting out of prison for a long time.” He says, easily dismissing her worry. He brushes some stray hands of hair behind her ear and let’s his thumb gently stroke the plush of her bottom lip. “You’re far too pretty to be worrying about this doll baby.”
“Pretty people can worry too.” She whispers solemnly. “What am I supposed to do about Katsuki? What do I tell him? I can’t keep icing him out.”
He resists the urge to roll his eyes. “It’s none of his business, and subconsciously you know that. That’s why you came to me instead of confiding in your boyfriend.”
“I came to you becau-
“Because if you had gone to him he would’ve broken up with you.” Her eyes widened and she flinched away from him, as if his touch had burned her.
“Don’t say that!” She exclaims. “Don’t...no, he loves me, he’s made his own mistakes and I never left him, he wouldn’t leave me!”
“Has he told you he loves you?” Dabi chuckles, standing to full height in front of her. “I mean, I don’t know what kind of mistakes the guys made, but..do they really compare to getting involved in gang wars?”
Toga stands across from him silent and staring with her mouth agape. He can see the glistening sign of fresh tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to spill down pale cheeks.
She doesn’t put up a fight with him about what he’s just said to her, she’s far too mentally and emotionally exhausted to do so. And even if she did, his thoughts wouldn’t change. The truth hurts and she needs to know that. The sooner she accepts it, the sooner she’ll come crawling back for comfort. It’s just a matter of time.