Feel Good
Bakugou wakes up Wednesday morning to several text messages and missed calls from Toga. She wants him to know that she’s free, wants to know if he still wants her to come there. He does, he’s been pissy and bummed the past two days and his mom is talking shit. She’s convinced he either made up this girlfriend or scared her off with his jackass behavior. Yeah, he needs her there asap so he can prove several points. He was kind enough to send her an Uber mainly so he could track her ride and know exactly when she would arrive. Not at all to be controlling, but to be safe.
When she shows up she’s so excited to see him, hugging him as tightly as she can, kissing his cheeks and running her fingers through his hair. She’s even got a few tears in her eyes. To anyone maybe this would’ve been sweet, but it honestly just pissed Katsuki off. To him it was obviously a sign that she had been doing something she had no business doing and was afraid she was gonna get caught. Something like...cheating. Ugh, just the idea makes him more pissed.
He won’t mention it though. He needs to keep being on his best behavior. He needs to show his parents that this is a perfect and stable relationship. “I missed you so much.” She coos as he brings her bags inside.
“You say that all the time.” He says at first, and then adds that he missed her too after thinking better of it. “Did you bring the whole damn dorm?”
Toga giggles, leaving her shoes by the door. “No of course not! That bag is full of gifts for your birthday tomorrow, and those two have my clothes. Eeeek this is gonna be so fun!” She squeals.
“Whole bag full of gifts for me, eh?”
She nods and smiles sweetly up at him, draping her arms around his neck and she plants the sweetest kiss on his lips. “For my best guy. I love you ya know?” She whispers, pressing their foreheads together.
“Mmm. Only guy, right?” He hums, closing his eyes. She nods much to his approval. “Good.”
“Aw? Not even gonna say it back?” He bristles. “I know I raised you better than that.” The young pair turn to face the owner of the voice, his mother with a shit eating grin on her face.
“Thank you Katsuki for letting us know your girlfriend was here and introducing us.” She laughs, smacking the chest of his father who stands behind her with a much kinder smile on his face.
“Oh my goodness! It’s happening, it’s really happening!” Toga breathes, pulling away from him to approach his parents. “Hi..hello, I’m Toga. Toga Himiko. The light of your son's life and quite possibly his future wife. It is such a pleasure to finally meet his makers and be able to thank you in person.”
“Would you shut the hell up, weirdo?!”
His parents look scandalized and shocked at such an introduction, but it was his choice to bring her here. “Honey if you need us to save you blink twice.” His mother whispers.
“Oop! Okay if I just blinked it’s not because I need saving!” She laughs. “I’m so excited right now!”
“Katsuki what’s wrong with her?” His mother frowns.
“Mitsuki!” His father chokes. “You’ll have to forgive my wife, we’ve simply never met a young lady who was...so...eccentric.”
“Strange.”
“Crazy.” Katsuki adds.
“Happy!!!” Toga cheers again. “Can I hug you guys?” Jesus fucking Christ. He watches from the background as Toga bear hugs his parents and they very stiffly and awkwardly pat her back. What a damn impression. At least his mother looks fearful, something he’s never seen her from before.
Shortly after getting Toga’s things settled into the guest room he finds himself sitting in the living room watching while his girlfriend does her damndest to bond with his parents. His mother still seems to be in shock over her out there personality, but his father is being ever the host, making conversation with her and indulging in her many questions about Katsuki’s childhood and adolescence.
He’s never had someone be so invested in his life and it’s okay or whatever, but he wants time alone with her. She made him wait two days for her to show up and now she’s making him wait for her again.
He can either sit here or he could leave. Maybe she’ll get the hint and follow...she doesn’t. Like seriously? They have a whole week to spend together and she finds his parents that damn exciting? They’re old and lame! He tries to wait up because she can’t possibly spend that long talking to them, but the hours pass by slowly and it’s nearing midnight. His eyes are getting droopy and sluggish.
He’s halfway asleep when he hears his door creeping open. He stirs, peering over his covers. Toga is rounding his bed with a small box in her hands. A birthday gift, the first of many. “Happy birthday baby.” She whispers to him.
He sits up, yawning and accepts the gift from her hands, slowly unwrapping it. It’s a watch...a Rolex watch. Silver with gold trimming and diamonds. “Am I dreaming right now or are you seriously bringing me a whole fucking Rolex?”
“Not a dream.” She giggles softly, sitting on the edge of his bed. “It’s not the one I wanted to get you, that one was so much nicer, but my dad’s purse strings are so tight...do you like it?”
He nods unsteadily, his eyes fixated on the expensive ass watch in his possession. “Yeah. I...certainly wasn’t expecting this.”
“You deserve it. Just don’t be disappointed if the other gifts don’t live up to it, okay?”
Disappointed? He chuckles, turning his eyes to her as if she’s crazy. Camie never gave him gifts like this, never gave him gifts at all and Himiko thinks he would be disappointed that she even bothered?
He sets the case aside and slips the watch onto his wrist before urging her closer. He wraps her up in his arms pulling her to lay down with him, pressing kisses to her crown. “You’re so sweet you know that? I don’t know how you always manage to surprise me, but you do.”
“I just want you to be happy.” She sighs.
“I’m happy now. I was a little pissy earlier, thought you didn’t want to spend the time with me, but I was wrong.”
“Of course I wanted to spend time with you. I should’ve just come on Monday with you. I saw this car accident happen. It was so scary. It was horrible or anything, but I just really wanted to be anywhere else...with you.”
“You’re with me now baby girl.” He mutters into her hair squeezing her tighter. “I shouldn't have given you so much shit. It’s just…” his words die on his lips.
“Just what?” Just that he’s so insecure, so paranoid, so...toxic and he doesn’t want to be. He has an internal battle with himself every fucking day to stop being this way, but it just seems embedded into his core.
He cups a hand under her chin, lifting her head to meet her eyes. “It’s nothing, I just need you to never leave me, okay? Never. I don’t know what I would do with myself if you ever left me Toga.”
“Katsuki, I would never leave you.” She tells him reassuringly. “Can I sleep here tonight?”
He grunts, pulling over to the empty side of his mattress and caging her between his arms and legs. “What did you really think that guest room shit was for real? No no no, I expect you in my bed every night. Just like at school.” He’s been waiting for this moment all day only earlier it was so he could yell at her and make her feel bad for making him wait, but this feels so much better. So much better.
It took an ungodly amount of convincing to get Katsuki to come out tonight for his birthday. He wanted to stay in, lounge on the couch and watch movies like an old couple, but that’s not what Toga is trying to do. It’s his birthday for fucks sake! A celebration for another year of life and they have to party it out.
She feels bad that his friends aren’t here to celebrate with him, but she’s doing her best to make sure he has a good time. She dressed up nice for him, a tight and short little number in one of his favorite colors. She got them reservations at his favorite restaurant and had everyone sing to him. And now she’s trying to show him off in the club. The key word being trying. That man is as stubborn as a mule when it comes to having fun. He's got the body of a young God, but the mindset of an old shrewd.
He’s much more content with sitting back in their booth, that she rented for his birthday, and letting her do her thing in his lap. If it makes him happy she’ll do it, but she also wants to indulge just a little bit. Hit the floor and strut his stuff! She doesn’t care if he turns out to be the world's worst dancer, but alas, it’s simply not his style.
Despite not wanting to do any of this, his mood hasn’t been too sour and because of his good spirits he tells her to go, have fun, don’t worry about him for once. She’s hesitant because the night was supposed to be about him, them, but he reassures her that he’s fine. It’s no big deal, so she hits the floor by herself. She makes sure to stay in his line of sight as much as possible so he doesn’t lose her in the crowd, but other than that she’s just trying to live her best life and have fun.
It’s been forever since she’s gone out and had fun being that she doesn’t have any friends anymore. At least not right now. And considering the stressful time she just came out of she feels like this is exactly what she needs. Especially after she woke up and saw Dabi’s messages about what went down at the League’s hideout. They were completely blindsided, of course, but never underestimate Shigaraki’s desire to come out on top of something. She didn’t need the details about how many people suffered gunshot wounds, but she got them. She didn’t need the details about the fire breaking out, but she got them. She didn’t need the details about all the arrests that were made, but she got them.
She had done her best to ignore it all because that’s not a part of her world anymore and it was supposed to be a good day. But those kinds of things are hard to ignore so she threw herself headfirst into the events of today the same way she’s throwing herself head first into the drinks she’s buying and the songs that are playing.
She has no idea how long she’s been dancing by herself but sweat is beading against her forehead and her breathing is getting heavy. A body bumps against her backside and at first it doesn’t bother her because she figures it’s just someone trying to get by, but when the other person doesn’t move she realizes it’s someone trying to dance with her. She can tell from the kind of cologne they’re wearing that it’s not Katsuki, but it is a dude with a very offensive hard on. She’s quick to pull away and glare at him in a warning.
Her Katsuki senses are tingling and she can tell he’s coming which means this dude is in for a rude awakening if he doesn’t bolt quickly. He looks so pissed when he shoves his way over to them and she instantly knows they’re about to be kicked out of this club. Any other day she wouldn’t mind him punching a perv for her, but tonight she just wants him to relax and not be so grouchy. In an innocent effort to minimize the drama she places herself between Katsuki and his target, her hands clinging to his shirt and pleading with him to let it go. It’s not worth the trouble and she already handled it herself.
This was a mistake on her part. She blinks and all his rage and anger is being shed on her. His hand is clamped around her wrist with a bruising grip and he’s practically dragging her out of the club. Her wrist hurts and she’s tripping over herself and other people, but Katsuki doesn’t seem to care. He’s too angry to care right now. Maybe she should have just let him hit the guy, because she knows how he can be when he’s angry, cruel and hurtful, and she doesn’t want that attention focused on her. Not tonight.
The air outside smacks her as he pulls her through the exit and he keeps on, tugging her in the direction of the car now. He can’t even hear her asking him to let go of her over his own yelling and shouting. She tries to pry his hand off of her, but he just squeezes tighter, yanking her along and the next thing she knows she’s being shoved against the side of his car and his face is so close to hers. She’s got tears in her eyes because she’s scared and she’s never been so scared of him, but the look he gives her now has her legs shaking and her heart racing.
She was just trying to stop a fight, how did this happen to her? He screams at her to get in the fucking car and she gets in the fucking car, buckling her seatbelt while he slams the door all too roughly. She’s in a full on sob and trembling in her seat. She knew he was going to slam his door too, but it doesn’t stop her from jumping when he does.
“You just love fucking embarrassing me, don’t you?!” He growls as he starts the car. She has no idea what he’s talking about. She was just trying to stop a fight. “On my birthday? My fucking birthday?! You let that slimy bastard touch you right in front of me?! When did you get so bold, huh?”
“Katsuki I wasn’t doing anything.” She whimpers, sniffling in her seat. Her denial of guilt just upsets him more and he punches the steering wheel and Toga has a dreadful feeling that he wishes it had been her face there. And maybe next time it will be so she decides to keep her mouth shut.
“Lying little bitch. I watched you! And to think I fucking trusted you. I always knew you were a whore.”
Her lips press into a tight line. She wants to deny that too, but she can’t find the courage too. It’s another bad choice. He wants her to deny it as well, but they both know that if she does he would just call her a liar again so what exactly does he want from her?
He shouldn’t drive when he’s angry, he’s going much too fast and between cursing her out and swerving through the lanes she’s worried she’s going to be involved in another accident. “Please slow down, Katsuki! You’re scaring me!!”
“Oh you’re scared now?! You weren’t scared when you were out there humping some idiot on the dance floor!”
She whimpers pitifully, gripping at her hair. What the hell was he actually watching? Did he drink tonight? Is he on drugs? She didn’t do anything. She pulled away, she told that guy no. She did everything she was supposed to.
Himiko tries to calm herself in her seat. This can’t go on forever. Maybe if she just lets him hash out his frustrations it’ll be over quicker. Boy is she wrong. Katsuki doesn’t usually talk so much, but when he’s mad about something he apparently never runs out of things to say. The whole drive home is filled with him berating her and making her cry. When they arrive home, he holds her hostage in the car because he can’t shout inside where his parents will here and rescue her and when they do get inside his loud obscenities turn into low, hushed growls.
She is exhausted. Her heart is in so much pain and her head hurts. She just wants to be alone and as far away from him as she can right now so she attempts to go to her room and box him out, but he’s not letting her off that easily. She’s followed and he’s on the wrong side of the door with her.
“Please, please stop!!” She cries, hiccuping painfully. “I can't do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what, exactly?” He’s in her space again, poking and pushing her shoulder while she backs away until the back of her knees hit the bed. “What, you wanna break up now?”
“No, that’s n-not what I m-meant. P-please just stop...stop yelling at me. I’m s-sorry.” She has no idea what she’s sorry for, but she obviously has done something wrong for him to be this angry. “I won’t do it again... I swear, I p-promise, just s-stop yelling at me.” Whatever it is that she did will never happen again. If that means never stepping foot in a club again then fine, but God please just let this nightmare end.
He bends down in front of her, his arms caging her in and she can’t meet his eyes right now. She doesn’t wanna see him right now. She wants the sweet Katsuki back, not whoever this monster is. “You know what I think?” He asks her. She doesn’t want to know what he thinks, but he’s gonna tell her anyways. “I think I just learned what kind of person you really are tonight. A liar, a cheater. And after I’ve been so good to you?”
His hand grips his chin roughly and he forces her to look at him. “What were you really doing before you came here, huh?” She imagined that one day she would tell him the truth. That she’d gotten lost and mixed up on the darker side of the world, but now? Oh no, she will take that to her grave. “What’s his name?”
“I did not cheat on you.” She whispers as sternly as she can with her trembly voice. He’s quiet as he looks over her face for tell tale signs on lying and she isn’t showing any, but with his warped and twisted vision he finds something that he doesn’t like.
“I don’t believe you. I don’t know when or how, but I think you’ve forgotten who you belong to. Maybe that’s my fault for being so soft with you.”
“No.” She sighs tiredly. “Please.”
He snatches away from her roughly and instructs her to sit there and don’t move. He leaves the room and she feels no relief in his retreating presence because she knows he’s coming back. She’s tempted to get up and lock the door. Maybe she’ll climb out the window and leave. But if she gets caught she has no idea what he’ll do so she simply sits there and wonders how the hell this happened to herself.
This is the first time she’s doubting everything about him. The first time she’s starting to believe that maybe Ray and Miki were right. Maybe he is no good for her, maybe he’s toying with her. She doesn’t deserve to be talked to like this, treated like this. Thinking these things hurt though because this guy is the only thing she wants. Who the hell else would want to put up with her? She’s weird, clingy, a lot to handle. She’s annoying and more trouble than she’s obviously worth so...so she has to stick by him.
‘It’s just one dark night.’ She tells herself. The door to the room opens again and Katsuki reappears. She hears the lock click behind him and her eyes fall to the things in his hands. The ball gag, the handcuffs. Her night is going to get a lot darker.
She’s used to the rough treatment, the brutal pace and the dirty words, but it feels different tonight. It feels humiliating and embarrassing because she knows this is coming from a place of anger and hatred. His possessive talk doesn’t excite her like it normally does, it makes her cringe inside. She never thought that sex with Bakugou Katsuki could make her feel dirty, but that’s exactly how she feels. And she blames herself.
She should have never left his side. She should’ve chosen to stay put right where she was. Then he wouldn’t be so angry at her. He wouldn’t be so hurt.
His nails dig into her hips as he slams his own roughly against her. Her wrists hurt from the tightness of the cuffs and the constant tugging. Her legs are shaking and she’s sore from overstimulation, but Katsuki’s stamina has never been a light joke and with so much rage burning inside him, he’s likely to just keep going.
Her eyes squeeze shut tightly as she feels her walls fluttering around him yet again and she wants to close her legs and tap out. She can’t possibly have another orgasm, but he’s determined to drag it out of her. She whimpers into her gag, drool running down her chin. His pace quickens more as he feels her coming undone and the coil in her stomach snaps. She lets out a deep, wanton moan into her gag and her eyes roll. A warm liquid drips between her thighs and Katsuki praises her in a deep lustful voice. His hand twists in her hair, pulling her head back so he can whisper in her ear.
“Good girl.” He praises, his other hand fondling her nipple. “Squirting all over my cock like that. Nobody makes you cum like I do.” Her body feels heavy and sluggish and the cuffs and Bakugou are the only thing holding her up while his thrusts become sloppy and rushed until he goes still, flush against her and emptying himself again inside her.
His head comes to rest on her shoulder as he catches his breath before he’s pulling out of her and moving to get the key and free her. She slumps down and lays there still while he removes the gag from her mouth. His arms slip around her, pulling her against his warm chest and his lips kiss at her skin. “You okay?” No.
“Yes.” She whispers after many moments. Her entire body aches, her mind is broken, and there’s a wound in her chest.
“I was rough wasn’t I? M’sorry.” A few tears slip past her lids as he cuddles her and whispers soft apologies. Why couldn’t he show her this kindness earlier? “M’ so sorry. Do you forgive me?”
She sniffles softly and remains there quietly as she ponders what to say. Katsuki waits anxiously behind her, pressing his nose against the crook of her neck and squeezing her tired body tighter. “I’m tired, Katsuki.” She decides to say.
He realizes that this isn’t forgiveness and out of guilt for pushing her so far he leaves it to rest. They can talk about it tomorrow. “I know. Lemme clean you up, kay? Then we can go to sleep.” She doesn’t have the energy to object or agree. She just lets him do as he pleases, he always does what he pleases.
His parents are aware that something is going on. Toga is being much too quiet. She looks tired and haggard, depressed. That’s his fault. He blew it. He crossed a line last night that he may never recover from. He let his jealousy and toxicity get the absolute best of him.
It was going so well, but the minute he saw that prick step into his territory all common sense went out the window. Those insecurities he tried to bury reared their ugly head. He saw her push him away, but when she defended him, Katsuki lost it. He started thinking of all the worst possible things and then he did all of the worst possible things. He screamed at her, he drug her against her will, he made her cry, he used her to take out his own stupid frustrations and had he just shut up and spoke to her like a normal human being things could have ended much differently.
She wouldn’t have spent the entire breakfast looking like she was on the verge of tears. She wouldn’t be avoiding him and flinching away from him whenever they cross paths. She wouldn’t be sitting on the edge of her seat in the car while he’s trying to make amends. He’s traumatized her and frightened her and he doesn’t know how to make this right. This was supposed to be the best week of their romance and he ruined it.
The only thing he can think to do at this point is be as open and upfront with her as possible. Maybe if he explains why he’s so messed up then maybe she’ll forgive him. So he’s explaining and the more he’s explaining the more stupid he feels. To him, it sounded like a perfectly good explanation as to why he’s the way he is. But actually telling it to her, telling her that he treats her like shit because that’s what someone did to him makes it sound so idiotic. And judging by how she hasn’t looked at him even once, the lack of care and concern she seems to bear, he thinks she agrees.
It’s just utter silence in the car and it’s been that way for an agonizing ten minutes. He just wants her to say something, anything. Well not anything, but something. When he expresses that to her, she merely shrugs, her gaze still fixed out the window and her chin resting in her palm.
“What am I supposed to say?” She mutters. Her voice is dry and devoid of emotion. Usually she’s the most emotionally expressive person he knows, but now she just sounds empty. “I mean..sorry? I’m sorry Camie was a bitch, but...what does that have to do with me? What did I do so wrong?”
‘You liked the wrong guy.’
“I’ve been thinking lately... and I realized last night, after I actually blamed myself for the way I was being treated... I realized that Rachel was right. I have daddy issues. I know how to love and how to give love, but I have no idea how to receive it and you have no idea how to give it.”
He swallows thickly, his eyes cast downward in shame. “I promise you, I’m gonna do better.”
“You promised that once already and tuh, look where that landed me.”
“Himiko...I-“
“Just stop talking.” She sighs, rubbing her forehead. “For once just...I’m gonna talk okay?” She finally looks at him and he sees a Toga he hasn’t seen since this whole mess started. An angry Toga, the same Toga that had the balls to throw food and drinks at him. “I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen to me for once!”
He opens his mouth to agree, but quickly clamps it shut, because obviously he’s just been told to be quiet so speaking is not what he should do.
“Never in my life have I been treated so..so...vilely! And to think it came from someone that I give my fucking all to! Someone that I cherish and treat like a goddamn king! I have spent the last few months thinking that something was wrong with me, that I was the problem, when in reality it was always you, you sick fuck!”
His jaw clenches out of habit and he has to look away from her. She laughs dryly next to him. “Oh? Do you not like being called out, Katsuki? Cause guess what I actually don’t like being called a whore and treated like a rag doll either!”
“I know.” He grunts lowly.
“Well you had me fooled. Look, I do feel bad okay. It sucks that you were treated like nothing by someone you loved and someone you really wanted to be with, trust me I know and it’s probably the only reason I’m not dumping your ass right now, but you have to get help Katsuki. If you want me to stay, you’re going to get help. Talk about your fucking problems with someone or something, but you’re not gonna treat me like that anymore. And I’m taking my friends back. I threw away good relationships to be with you and I miss my friends.”
“I- I miss going out and laughing with my friends! I miss movie nights and I miss sleeping in my own room! I miss having someone other than you to talk to!”
He can only nod his head slowly, trying to control the overwhelming amount of emotion he’s feeling. Shame, guilt, rejection. This isn’t about how he’s feeling right now, it’s about how she’s feeling and she’s finally telling him that she doesn’t feel good.
“And another thing! You will not touch me ever again until I say you can because if you ever put your hands on me again, you will see a kind of Toga you didn’t think imaginable. And the next time you accuse me of cheating on you...Katsuki... I...oh my god I don’t even know.”
“I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
He can feel her eyes boring holes into him. He wishes she didn’t say what she said next. “Ya know, usually they say that when you think your partner is cheating because you’re feeling guilty about cheating. So tell me..Bakugou. Have you been cheating?”
Normally he would lie of course, but he owes her this honesty. “It was one time..like a month or two ago. I-“
He’s cut off by Toga screaming in her seat next to him. Oh she’s so pissed, she’s so hurt and it’s his fault for pushing her to the brink. He’s broken his little looney bin and he can’t even comfort her.
He can’t believe it took him turning into a monster to understand the full gravity of his actions. He’s had ample opportunities before this to just be right and he kept choosing to be wrong and this is the result.
“I hate you!” She screams at him. “I love you, but I fucking hate you!”
“I deserve that.”
“No! You know what you deserve, you deserve to be dumped! God I- I feel so fucking stupid! Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?! That bitch is laughing behind my fucking back! And you’re an idiot for doing it, she doesn’t even want you!! I wanted you and you- ahhhh!!”
“Okay.” He nods not really knowing what else to say to that. Wait no, he knows what to say. He turns to her, thinks about touching her cheek and decides against it. “Look I’m a fuck up okay? The absolute worst, but I get it now. I’m through with Camie. Never again. I’m sorry, I hurt you, I understand that. But Himi...it’s you. I was too stubborn and too much of a dick to want to admit that, but it’s always been you.”
She wipes at her eyes, whimpering in her seat and he really just wants to hold her, but he can’t. “You made me feel so insecure, so bad about myself. Why her? What the fuck is so special about her?”
“Nothing. I was a dumbass kid and a dumbass simp. But she doesn’t even compare to you, the things you do for me, the way you make me feel, babe you’ve gotta believe me. Whatever you want I’ll do it. I’ll go back to therapy, I’ll delete her number, whatever you need to make this right.”
“I need...to go home. I don’t even wanna look at you right now.” He wishes in this moment that he were more like Kirishima, or just like any guy in a romance movie that knew exactly what to say to magically make things better. He wishes he were better at expressing his feelings and better at being supportive. But he’s not and he won’t suddenly become better over night. Toga has made it clear that this talk is over and he has no idea where they stand anymore so he just drives back home.
She doesn’t pack her things and leave immediately so he takes that as a good sign, but she doesn’t talk to him either. She basically pretends like he doesn’t exist and spends all her time around his parents. She gives them all her smiles and laughter, her corny jokes, and funny stories and when she shows up she turns cold and removes herself from the scene.
She doesn’t spend another night in his bed, they don’t stay up and talk under the covers. She’s texting her friends, making amends with them and trying to get back into their good graces. Probably telling them what a dick he is.
It’s driving him insane. She’s so close, but so far away. The shoe is on the other foot and he hates it. He has so much anxiety and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He knows he needs to prove that he was serious about doing whatever she needed so that’s why he takes to the internet to look for reputable therapists close to campus. The sooner he starts talking about his problems the sooner he can fix them.
That long ass text thread he had with Camie? Gone. Her number is blocked, all pictures of them are scrubbed clean of his phone and he’s erasing her from his mind. He’s always had a black lock screen, but now Toga is his lock screen. She’s first on his favorites in his messages. Her social media handle is tagged in his profile bio and all those pictures he kept hidden of them are posted online.
He starts to recall all those things she told about, the things she loves. Unicorns, makeup, sparkly pink shit. When they get back to campus she’ll have multiple deliveries waiting in her mailbox. At this point he’s ready to tattoo her damn name on his forehead if he has to do he just...he really can’t lose her. He realizes he’s doing with her now what he used to do with, well, you know who. But Toga is far more worth it so it’s okay and acceptable.
He’s up late one night in the kitchen, spending more money on a bunch of forgive me gifts when his mother finds him. She’s surprised to see him there, concerned about the heavy bags under his eyes and the amount of time he’s spent on his laptop today. She’s also concerned about the drastic difference in Toga’s attitude towards him. The only thing he can tell her is that he’s fucked up and that he’s scared.
“Something’s wrong with me, ma.” He confides in here in such a strange turn of events. His mother has never been the person he turns to when he’s having panic attacks and hurting. He either usually swallows it down and battles it out himself, or turns to his father in secret. His mother and him have always been tougher with each other. He’s never liked showing her his weaknesses because she’s the kind of person that preys on weakness and teases you for it, but he’s beside himself right now and nobody has come to comfort him yet so he’s relishing in the opportunity.
“I hurt her.” He confesses. “Why am I like this?”
His mother realizes that this is indeed strange behavior for him. Being the kind of mother that comforts and consoles does not come easily for her. She’s never thought he needed that. Maybe when he was a toddler, but at one point in his life he just seemed to stop needing it and so she forgot how to do it. But it comes back to her more naturally than she would have imagined, because seeing their child hurting is enough to make any hard woman turn soft.
She hugs him and he hasn’t hugged her in years, but it feels so nice. It feels like being a child again, being in a moment in time where he can do no wrong. “It’s okay.” She whispers to him, rubbing his back while he sheds tears on her blouse. It’s not okay and she doesn’t know just how not okay it is, but he accepts her words because he needs to hear them right now.
“She hates me. Why do I want everyone to hate me?”
“Oh Katsuki.” She sighs. “You’ve always been a difficult one.” She chuckles softly.
“What’s wrong with me?” He mumbles against her.
“You want the truth?” Well of course. She’s never sugar coated things before. “Honey for one, you’re a narcissist in the worst way. And somehow I think that’s our fault. Mainly your dads for always coddling you, but I’m innocent either. You’re a good boy Katsuki, but you have this tendency to burn things when they get too good.”
“Well I burned her. Fucking scorched her.”
“Oh I can tell. She went from being head over heels to..icy. You need to let your walls down. You’ve built them so high that you make it impossible for people to get close to you. And that I know is my fault. But you’re also not a baby anymore, you’re a man now and you have to learn how to handle things better. Stop being so angry all the time, so petty and malicious. Stop holding on to grudges and hurt and just let go.”
She puts space between them and looks into his carmine eyes with her own, a gentle smile on her face. “Ya know..when she first came in here I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting you to bring home a girl so...happy and full of life. Don’t get me wrong, you’re my son so I know you wouldn’t bring home a loser, but there’s just something about her that rings differently. And I like it. I like the two of you. When you were standing at the door, holding each other, being all mushy...it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen from you and it was weird because you don’t normally do cute. But again, I liked it. I loved that for you. I don’t know what you did wrong Katsuki, but I know that you have it in you to fix it. We don’t do quitting shit in this house. So you’re gonna have to buck up and man up and make it right.
Girls like that don’t come around every day. Ones that love you so completely, so purely and just for you. That’s a rare, once in a lifetime kind of thing. She hasn’t left yet so you know there’s still a chance, you just have to go about it the right way.”
“Tell me what’s the right way. I’ve maxed out pop’s credit card trying to do this.”
“And we will talk about that dumbass decision later.” She frowns. “Look I’m not a romantic. That’s more of your dad’s thing, but I do know that the right thing isn’t based on materials. It’s your actions. So start being about it.” Actions. Actions.
Never in his life did he imagine having this kind of conversation with his mother, but he doesn’t hate it and he’s not ungrateful. This trip didn’t go at all like he wanted it to and that’s his fault. They’re leaving her together, but not in the way he wants. There’s no laughing, no talking. He’s still being iced out and he’ll have to be okay with that for now, but when they get back, when she’s had enough space he will do everything he can to show her what she needs to see.