00 AM
If there was something that Langdon had gotten used to since the day he was caught, that was silence.
And so, he had become proficient with it. He had come to endure it, accept it, even like it in the right context.
Silence, like pain, had become a long-time friend. Only, she was a more gentle one.
Sometimes.
With Robby, silence had been fucking torture. It had been a dance around the disappointment both of them felt.
Disappointment because Langdon lied, fucked things up. Disappointment because he didn't trust Robby enough to ask for help. Disappointment because Robby didn't listen, didn't respect their friendship. Disappointment because he didn't trust Langdon enough to listen and do better.
With Abby, silence had been grief's best friend. The grief of a marriage that had crumbled into pieces a long time ago. The grief of not being able to pretend otherwise, not anymore. The grief of their relationship, their friendship and the team they had built based on the promises they'd made to one another changing irrevocably and painfully.
If it's all the same to the reader, this author will not discuss the facet silence took when it came to Langdon and their kids. Some things, some battles, they are not meant to be spoken of. And the quiet sadness that walked with his children because their dad was sick, because he was then gone, because he was no longer going to live with them…
Yeah, it burned him. It still does.
And with Mel, silence was comfort. Calm, easy, warm. Silence was filled with golden sunrays, with the cool breeze that danced around them everytime Mel visited him at the Center. Silence was filled with peace, with the relief that it came when things were just a little bit less hard, if only for a moment.
Some afternoons, Frank would sit on that slightly beaten wooden bench, a cup of coffee on the floor beside him and Mel by his other side. She would either talk to him or read out loud, depending on what he needed that day. In either of those cases, Frank would look at her often, and think that he wouldn't mind prolonging this moments. Just for a little while. Just until he felt better.
In those moments, silence was his protector, because he never, never, voiced those thoughts out loud.
As Santos took a seat in front of him in the empty lounge room, Langdon couldn't help but wonder which face would Silence adopt here.
“All due respect, Dr. Langdon, but I'm not going to apologize for what happened.”
Langdon couldn't help but smirk. Maybe, he wasn't meant to find out silence's role here just yet.
“I always loved that phrase. All due respect. It is a polite way of telling the other person that the respect they deserve might be different than they would like to imagine. Tell me, Dr. Santos. How much respect do you think I'm due?”
Santos didn't cower. If anything, she raised to the challenge. “From me? I guess it depends on how this conversation goes.”
Langdon chuckled self-deprecatingly. “Only this conversation? I imagined I'd already made my grave when it came to you.”
Santos looked at him for a long moment, her blue eyes the most serious he'd seen so far. After a moment, she shook her head. “No. I don't know you and I don't think I could necessarily like you but I could never hold that against you. Not that day or anything that came of it. So, no, Dr. Langdon. You haven't made your grave with me.”
“I was surprised you were the one who noticed. Out of everyone who knew me, a practical stranger was the one that realized I was in trouble,” Langdon looked down at his lap, more than aware that his cheeks were burning with shame. His body exteriorized shame now. He hated it. “But then I remembered. The month at the pain clinic in Hopkins, right?”
“Yeah. Whenever we worked together that day, I was reminded of some of the patients I saw who struggled with addiction.” Langdon still wouldn't look at her. Santos cleared her throat nervously. “I didn't want to see it, of course I didn't. But I couldn't help it, I taught myself to notice everything that could endanger me or anyone else. And when Dr. Robby told me I had the responsibility to tell him what was going on…I almost lied.”
Langdon's head snapped up at that. “What? Why?”
Santos let out a humourless laugh. “You think I didn't see how this was going to make me look? On my first day, a day in which I had sort of formed myself a reputation, I went and told my attending that one of his senior residents - who I've been butting heads with all day and who is liked by everyone here - that he's stealing drugs and lying to his face.”
When Langdon didn't reply, his gaze wide and his mouth slightly open, Santos laughed again and shot up from her chair, heading for the coffee maker behind her. “I didn't want to do it. I hated you that day. I really hated you and I didn't want to work with you ever again but I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to be the resident who cried wolf. I didn't want to be the woman who told on a man's wrongdoings and was hated for it. I wanted to come to fucking work and not think about the fact that I ruined everyone's favourite asshole’ life!”
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Silence in which Langdon stared at Santos with shock written all over his face.
Silence in which Santos looked everywhere but at him, her cheeks coloured in shame and her eyes brimming with angry tears.
Silence in which Langdon realized he was seeing a whole new Santos and maybe, just maybe, he was seeing a truer version.
Silence that came, in Santos’ case, with understanding.
“You didn't ruin my life, Santos.” Langdon finally spoke, mildly in awe that he could talk at all. “I don't think anyone here would blame you for anything that happened to me that day.”
Santos grabbed her cup of coffee with shaky hands. “I'm not that sure.”
“You're a physician, Dr. Santos. You think you are to blame for a drug addict fucking up his life?”
Santos snorted at that, slowly re-joining Langdon around the table. “I see you have made a lot of work on the accepting part of your recovery.”
Langdon smirked at that before reaching into his pocket for a piece of gum. He offered another to Santos, shrugging when she refused. “I don't think I had another option. I have people depending on me.”
“I know, they won't tell you but everyone has really missed you around here.” Santos shook her head in annoyance. Langdon's smirk widened. “Dr. Robby has been walking around with a constant scowl on his face, and Dana and the others basically forced Mel to tell them how you were doing. Mel won't tell me, but I know she was very worried about you.”
“I was actually talking about my kids, but I missed those bastards too.” Langdon shook his head, a troubled expression on his face. “But…Mel was okay, wasn't she?”
“I made sure she was,” Santos replied. Her voice was even as she finally dared to look Langdon in the eye. “You don't deserve someone like her.”
He returned her look with as much bravery as he could master. “I'm perfectly aware of that.”
“You know, it's weird.” Santos seemed as if she had to force herself to say the words. “When I don't follow the instinct to go against everything you say, I can almost talk to you normally. It's really fucking weird.”
“It almost makes you wonder whether this place is haunted, am I right?” Langdon shook his head, letting the silence stretch between them, a comfort as both tried to come to a reckoning with the fact that they were very, very, much alike.
Silence was friendly when it came to Santos, yet not when it came to Robby.
The world was officially coming to an end.
“You said you didn't want to be the one to do what you did,” Langdon took a deep breath, trying in vain to ignore the weight, the emotion, the fucking shame pressing down his throat. “I hated that it was you. I really fucking hated it. It felt, fuck… it really felt as if you had won, you know? And I really, really fucking hated it, I hated that everything that happened, everything I lost, it all happened after that moment. It took me a long time to work through that.”
“And now?”
Langdon had never heard Santos speak softly. Ever.
He really hated it.
“Now, I want to say this.” Langdon took a calming breath. It was embarrassing the amount of times he had rehearsed this. “I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. To go to Robby and tell him of your suspicions, on your first day, knowing how it would look if you weren't right? It takes a really fucking strong moral compass to do so and…well, I'm not sure I could ever do it but I hope I never have to find out. Dr. Santos, I know you didn't do it for me but thank you for giving me the chance to fix my shit. And I'm sorry. For everything.”
“Thank you, Dr. Langdon.” Santos replied. She looked down, blinking suspiciously fast. Langdon stayed silent, but kept that mental image in mind for when they were confident enough to allow jokes between them. “And I'm sorry too. For treating patients without talking to you, Collins or Robby and for being-.”
“A pain in the ass?”
“Watch it.”
Frank smiled and looked down as he shook his head. “Damn, Santos. If I didn't know any better I would say we actually have a chance of becoming friends.”
“If that happens, feel free to shoot me in the fucking face.” Trinity stood up before nodding in his direction. “Truce, then? Frank?”
“Ugh. Don't ever call me that again.”
oOo
Langdon and Santos came out of the lounge room just as Mel was exiting a patient room right in front of them.
Mel cracked her neck with a sigh, pulling her gloves off her hands in the same motion. Princess came out of the room after her, touching her shoulder gently before showing her something on a tablet.
Langdon watched as Mel jumped slightly before turning towards Princess and giving her her undivided attention. Beside him, Santos reached for two pairs of gloves, handing him one that he took without really looking at her.
“Hurt her and die, you hear me?”
Langdon jumped slightly at that. “I don't know what you're talking about.”
Santos rolled her eyes. “Sure you don't. Listen, ER Ken. I don't like many people in this world but I like her. Hurt her, and I'll come after you.”
Langdon smirked. “ER Ken? Are you recycling nicknames now?”
“When you earn the right to have me think of a nickname for you, I'll let you know.”
“Bring it on, Terminator.”
Santos opened her mouth to reply, or probably spew some witty insult, when they heard a voice from across the hall.
“So…you both lived.”
Santos and Langdon turned towards Mel, who was approaching her slowly, her hands interlocked firmly before her frame. Santos was the first to react, shooting her a smirk before crossing her arms. “For now. We're having a duel at sunset.”
Mel stiffened at that. “What?”
“She's joking,” Frank quickly interjected. “Well, she attempted to joke. God knows she doesn't have a funny bone in her body.”
Santos scoffed. “Excuse you, I'm hilarious.”
Frank ignored her. “What do you got, Mel?”
Mel turned towards the room she had just left, sighing before doing a small shrug. “One of the senior citizens sent from the facility. We coded him for 20 minutes until the home found and sent us the DNR papers.”
“Look at it this way. If you got him back only to find those papers, you'd have had to deal with some angry family members.”
“Santos.”
“What? We're all thinking the same thing!”
Langdon sighed. “Let's go see if we can save some lives.”
As the three neared Central, Dana looked up from her desk, phone pressed to her ear. She smiled in relief when she noticed them. “MVC heading our way, two patients.”
Langdon nodded, handing Mel a pair of gloves before putting his on. “ETA?”
“Five minutes out.”
“Got it,” Langdon rolled his shoulders. “Page Collins.”
“She’s dealing with a STEMI.”
Langdon cursed under his breath, his frustration growing when he looked up and noticed Mohan rushing into Trauma Room 1 to help Collins.
“Langdon?”
“Okay,” Langdon winced, cursing again before nodding at Dana. “Fuck, okay. Page Robby.”
“There's no need,” Robby called from behind them, walking past the trio to grab a pair of gloves for himself. “MVC?”
“Yeah, two victims.” Langdon rolled his shoulders again before turning towards Mel and noticing McKay walking towards them. “McKay, MVC, four minutes out!”
“Got it, be right there!”
“Dr. King, you and I will be working on one of them,” Robby began, his gaze lowered as he focused on putting on his gloves. “Dr. Langdon will take the other one with Dr. Santos and Dr. McKay.”
Langdon felt himself stiffen at that and it wasn't even about not working with Mel. It was about him still having to prove himself to Robby.
He got it. Of course he did. And he imagined that this wouldn't be the last time he had to prove himself to him.
And still, Robby hadn't proved himself to him yet. Langdon was still hurting because of how everything went down that day. Therefore, Langdon still kind of wanted to punch his mentor's face.
As the group headed towards the ambulance bay, Santos rushed to walk between Mel and Langdon. “Hey, now that you got your work husband back, does it mean you are no longer my work wife?”
Mel sputtered. “What!?”
“Like, do you have to choose? Does he win because he was your work spouse first? Because you and I make a really good team, Mel, you have to remember that.”
Frank felt himself stiffen despite himself, perfectly aware that Robby was looking at him. “Santos, not the time nor the place I think?”
“I don't know,” McKay shrugged. She smiled mischievously when Langdon glared at her. “I mean, Santos really stepped up while you were gone. Have you considered a poly work relationship?”
Robby held up a hand before anyone could answer that. “How about we consider focusing on our patients?”
Langdon shot Mel a look, just in time to notice her clenching her hands into fists.
And that was the last thing he could do before the ambulance made it into the bay.
oOo
“Would you look at this,” García called smugly as she entered the Trauma room. “Traumatized Ken is back with us!”
Langdon snorted. He nodded at McKay before shooting Garcia a smirk. “Get the ultrasound ready, Dr. McKay. Congrats on getting a new idea, García, how does it feel?”
“I wouldn't want to make you feel bad by telling you, Langdon. I know it's been a while since you got one of those.” Garcia and Langdon exchanged a friendly nod before the former crossed her arms, finally focusing on the patient on the table. “What do we got?”
Langdon gestured in Santos' direction, who was currently bagging the patient's airway. “Dr. Santos, present the case.”
Santos nodded, keeping her eyes on the patient, even as García leveled her with her intense gaze. “John Doe, mid thirties, victim of an MVC. He's presenting mild bruising across his chest, plus a distended stomach.”
“We thinking he had to be the driver?”
Langdon nodded. “We're getting ready to do a FAST exam. This guy might be needing an laparotomy, so get ready to work, Miss Surgeon.”
“Everyone's favourite asshole is back and it shows.”
“Pulse 105, BP 120/80, Temp 102°, SpO2 95%,” Princess called from her place besides the patient's head, her gaze on the monitor.
“Ready with the ultrasound,” McKay interjected. “Dr.Langdon?”
Langdon shook his head. “Go ahead. Santos, switch places with me so you can see better.”
Santos hesitated. “You sure?”
“Absolutely, let's go Dr. Santos.” Langdon nodded at McKay as he moved around Santos. “Go ahead, Cassie.”
“Alright,” McKay paused, her brows furrowed as she slowly moved the wand across the patient's stomach and down towards his pelvis, her gaze fixed on the screen. Santos leaned forward as well, so neither of them noticed García raising an eyebrow in Langdon's direction.
Langdon rolled his eyes. As if being decent to Santos wasn't hard enough, he had to deal with Edwina Scissorhands.
Freaking-fucking-tastic.
“There, free fluid around his pelvis.” McKay smirked towards the screen. “Seems like you'll get to cut, García.”
“Must be my lucky day,” García rolled her eyes. “Okay, let's get him ready to transport.”
As Langdon switched places with Princess so he could helo prepare the patient, he looked up just in time to watch Robby enter the room. He remained by the edge of the room, his hands buried in the pockets of his black hoodie. “How are we doing here?”
McKay turned towards Langdon, hesitating when he kept his head down as he helped prepare the patient. “Patient's stable and presenting free fluid in his pelvis. Surgery is ready to take him up for an ex-lap.”
“Excellent work Dr. McKay, Dr. Santos. Dr. Langdon, a word please?”
Watching Robby exit, Langdon sighed heavily just as García wiggled her fingers goodbye. “Good luck, Ken.”
“Shut up, Yo-Yo.”
oOo
“How is it going?” Robby asked as Langdon joined him outside the trauma room.
“Fine,” Langdon replied automatically as he reached into his trousers pocket for a piece of gum. “McKay and Santos did a good work.”
“I saw the effort you're making with Santos,” Robby commented easily. “You're trying to be the teacher she deserves. It doesn't go unnoticed, Langdon.”
Langdon shrugged. “I'm still a senior resident. My job is to teach, as much as it is to learn.”
Robby nodded slowly before stopping by the edge of an empty hall. After a second, he crossed his arms before his chest before finally looking at Langdon. “I wanted to talk to you about your work relationships. Frankly, there's something I noticed that's concerning me.”
“García and I have been fighting since Med School. Nothing has changed there.”
“I was actually talking about Mel.”
Frank crossed his arms before his chest. “What about her?”
Robby levelled him with his best teacher look. “I noticed you two are very close.”
“So are her and Santos. You gonna talk to them as well?”
“Frank.”
“No,” Langdon interrupted. “What exactly is your concern here? She's my friend. Are you worried I'm gonna be a bad influence?”
“I'm worried you're getting into something you might not be ready for. Not yet.” Robby argued, taking a deep breath when he felt himself losing his patience. “You just got out of rehab. This is your first day. You haven't seen most of the people here in four months and the only one you have seen is the junior resident you’ve been shadowing all day. I want you to take it easy.”
“You actually want to bring hierarchy into this? Did you think of hierarchy when you and Collins had whatever the hell you had? Or with Mohan and Abbot? Or García and Santos?” Langdon demanded, running a frustrated hand through his hair when Robby merely looked at him. “Look, not all of my actions and decisions are driven based on the fact that I'm a drug addict. Not anymore, at least. Mel…she's my friend. She's been the best support and she's the only one that lets me take things one step at a time. She's good. She's the most good. I would put myself through rehab again before hurting her.”
Robby smiled despite himself. “You're hearing yourself, right?”
Langdon sighed before rubbing a hand against the back of his neck. “Yeah, I'm hearing myself. I'm a fucking cliché.”
Robby barked out a laugh. He raised a hand as if to clasp it on Langdon's shoulder, lowering it awkwardly after a moment. “For the record, I don't want to see you hurt either. I'm still here if you need anything.”
“I'm okay.”
“I know. But I still need to check in. It's part of my job.”
Langdon nodded, both of them recognizing it for the only appreciation he would allow to show towards his mentor at the moment. “Good talk?”
Robby grimaced, the wrinkles around his eyes crinkling. After a moment, he nodded. “Good talk. Get back to work.”
Langdon only had to walk a few steps away from Robby to notice Mel carefully studying something on a tablet next to the nurses’ station, the new girl Kate beside her. As if feeling his eyes on her, Mel looked up, smiling when she locked eyes with him.
“Hey! Come take a look at this.”
“Are those the results on our pneumonia patient?”
“Gen, yes.” Mel handed him the tablet as Kate leaned against the desk by her other side. “Look at this x-ray. See that pleural effusion?”
Langdon winced. “That’s a lot of fluid in her right lung. We're gonna need to do a lung puncture and examine that fluid to see if we're talking about an infection or an underlying disease here.”
“She'll also breathe much better even if we get a little bit of the fluid out of her lung,” Mel added before turning towards Kate. “Any luck getting her mom to come here?”
“Andy. Yeah, I talked to her. She started a new job this week so she can't afford to miss out on work now, as that's the only income she and Gen have,” Kate shook her head in understanding. “As you know, you guys can go ahead with the treatment given it's an emergent procedure. Since her mom isn't here, I'll be in the room with her while you explain the procedure, make sure she understands what's happening and that I'm there to advocate for her if need be.”
“Thank you,” Mel replied before looking at Kate as if she was seeing her for the first time. “I don't think I introduced myself. I'm Dr. King, but everyone calls me Mel.”
Kate smiled at that, her eyes bright as she shook hands with Mel. “And I'm Kate. It's very nice to meet you, Mel.”
“And this is, Dr. Frank Langdon,” Mel nodded, watching how Frank extended an arm before her so he could shake hands with Kate.
“Langdon is more than alright. Welcome to the Pitt, Kate.”
“Thanks,” Kate replied brightly before cocking her head curiously. “No other nicknames for you?”
Langdon snorted despite himself. “More than I can count, unfortunately. You'll hear them soon enough.”
Kate chuckled. “Sounds like quite a story. Looking forward to it.”
oOo
“What made you decide to become a social worker?” Mel asked as she and Kate walked out of Gen's room, Langdon staying behind to prepare Gen for the lung puncture. When Kate didn't reply instantly, Mel frowned. “I'm sorry if that was too personal a question, forget I said anything.”
“No, it's okay. I was just trying to figure out a way too answer without oversharing. People have told me I can be a little bit overbearing,” Kate chuckled. As they reached the nurse station, Kate leaned against the desk while Mel looked up towards the board, her tablet clutched to her chest. “I'm the oldest of four and growing up, we just had our mom. I did my best to help her but as I grew up and got into college, I started to see that we could have actually gotten help and I wondered why hadn't my mom looked for it. Was she too proud? Were the people she talked to assholes? In any case, I thought I could see if I could make a difference.”
“I get it, I'm my sister's primary care giver.” Mel nodded. “Did you ever get the chance to ask your mother that?”
“She died when I was 20.”
“Oh,” Mel gulped nervously. “My mother died too.”
Kate threw a lazy smirk in her direction. “Think we should start a club for orphans?”
“Can I join? I can get us t-shirts,” Santos interjected as she suddenly joined them. She extended a hand in Kate's direction. “Trinity Santos, nice to meet you.”
“You as well, Trinity.” Kate shook her hand confidently. “And you can absolutely join, right Mel? What should we do, drinks?”
Both Mel and Trinity opened her mouth to respond just as McKay walked up to them, her smile hesitant as it fell on Kate. “Hey. Kate, right?”
“Yes,” Kate straightened immediately as she sensed the professional tone. “Dr. McKay, right?”
“Cassie, please.” Cassie replied, her gaze already dropping to her tablet. “I wanted to run a patient by you. I have a 22-year-old female with a broken wrist after falling on her way up the stairs in her own house. She's in college, gender studies major, and is living with her parents for savings purposes. She's been asking me a lot of questions that have me wondering whether I'm sensing something here.”
“Okay, what kind of questions?”
“She tells me she's asexual and hasn't had sexual intercourse as of yet. She's gone to see a gynecologist, who told her it wasn't necessary for her to get a PAP screen as of yet as there's almost no risk of her having HPV.” Cassie frowned. “But she tells me that her mother has been very insistent on her getting it anyway and that she ignores her every time she tells her she's asexual.”
“Okay. First of all, did she agree for you to share the information regarding her sexual orientation with us?”
Cassie nodded, a small, smug smile adorning her lips. “Yes, she did. I actually kind of stan her, she's so much more confident than I was when I was her age.”
“I can imagine. In a world in which we're bombarded with the message that we should desire to have sex, realizing that we don't feel that desire means discerning between all kinds of attraction and coming to terms with the fact that we're more or less interested depending on the kind of attraction. It takes a lot lf maturity and self introspection to figure it out. The respect she got from her doctor, she also deserves it from her parents.” Kate cursed under her breath as she shook her head slowly. “I can talk to her, of course. There are some resources I can tell her about. Particularly, I think there are some LGBTQIA+ centers here in Pittsburgh that are focused on highschool and college students. What's her name?”
As Cassie and Kate retreated, still engaged in conversation, Mel and Trinity remained standing there, her jaws slightly slacked.
“That,” Trinity paused to gulp slightly. “That was hot.”
Mel didn't hear, her mind reeling from the words she had heard, that little speech causing havoc within her.
“Mel? Mel, you alright?”
Mel barely heard her, her ears ringing, her brain feeling as if it had been filled with cotton.
She couldn't reply.
All she could do was retreat as fast as she could, her head down so no one would notice the panic in her gaze or the flush adoring her cheeks.
She had to get out.
She had to get out.