pipe dreams and courage
“so, manager oppa just called me and guess what?” joy plops in front of chaeyoung’s front, an excited grin spreading across her lips.
“you’ll finally drop by irene unnie’s apartment to help her finish your laundry that you just left at her place?” chaeyoung leans back in her office chair, letting haetnim snuggle at her.
the actress snorts, “me? doing laundry? since when?”
“last few weeks ago, remember? you also did mine.” she watches as joy pulls a chair behind her and sits with a serious expression on her face.
“that wasn’t me, chaeng-ah,” joy pretends to pat the brunette’s head, “do you see things that others don’t? you can totally be honest with me, you know?”
“shut up, i caught you folding my pajamas,” the singer slaps the giant hand away from her head, only for joy to slip her fingers with hers. “your moves are very old school, by the way.”
“doesn’t mean that it’s not working,” the actress gives a teasing smirk as chaeyoung rolls her eyes. “and your answer was wrong, so guess more.”
chaeyoung hums in thought, “you’ll treat your family on an expensive dinner and splurge them with gifts?”
“yes, but it’s more at the afternoon part.” joy explains as she plays with the musician’s hand, “you’re getting calluses again.”
“you’ll take haetnimmie on a walk to the park?” she tries again, and when she sees the older shake her head, she resigns. “what is it, sooyoungie?”
“we’re going out on a aquarium date!” joy excitedly threw her arms out along with chaeyoung’s right hand. “and after that, we’ll visit my family again.”
aquarium date? in public? a date?
chaeyoung gently removes her hand from the older girl who pouts right after, “sooyoungie, are you sure it’s okay to go out? i thought manager oppa limited your adventure days ever since that coffee fiasco.”
“it’s fine, i already explained to him that i just calmly talked down the scumbag who catcalled you.” joy assures the musician, but the latter doesn’t seem sure at all. “hey, it’s fine, i promise. i won’t throw any drinks on someone’s head ever again.”
truth to be told, chaeyoung is unsure of how to deal with the situation presented to her right now. ever since what happened a week ago under the rain, she started seeing the actress in a new light, which scares her more than she'd like to admit. it doesn't help her case at all when she starts to get jumpy when joy tries to hold her hand, or she suddenly gets all tongue tied when joy gives her this specific look after she lets her hear a snippet of a new song, or she starts to conjure up images of 'what ifs' in her head.
(the last one terrifies chaeyoung the most.)
so yes, her situation is messy and complicated and she's terrified of falling again.
she doesn't think that she could risk again of being hurt. not when the hurt still throbs and bleeds and-
she's not doing it again.
even if she knows that joy isn't jennie.
“look, sooyoung-ah, i don’t think that it’s a good idea for us to go out again.” chaeyoung says after a few moments of silence.
joy doesn’t say anything for a while, but the glint of hurt in her eyes doesn’t escape the musician’s sight. “this isn’t because of a certain someone, right?”
chaeyoung was about to answer when her phone suddenly rings, she brings up a finger and walks over to the electric keyboard where her phone is placed, and answers after two rings. upon answering, she hears the old tune of mario kart and lisa’s protests on the phone.
“hello?”
“yah, changie!” a loud voice greets her, “it’s jisoo unnie! i’m here at manobal’s apartment with jennie, you should drop by!”
“i’m a bit busy at the studio, unnie. maybe next time?” chaeyoung easily lies, still uncomfortable with breathing the same air as her ex.
“aw, that’s too bad.” jisoo tells her, already knowing the older girl’s pout behind the phone. “well, the dinner date is next week, think you can make a space for your unnies?”
nervousness thrashes chaeyoung’s chest, she already lied about today, and if she lied again, jisoo might get suspicious. with a heavy heart, she replies, “sure, unnie, just text me the details.”
“alright, see you next week, chaeyoung-ah!”
she puts down the phone and faces the actress, who is clearly waiting for an answer. her grip tightens behind her back, and really, she can’t blame anybody but herself for the mess that she got herself into.
“since when?” she prays for a different answer from joy, but sadly, the universe hasn’t been kind to her lately.
“does it matter?” joy answers back, but seeing the look on chaeyoung’s weakens her resolve. “i know that you’re aware that i like you more than as a friend, chaeyoung-ah. and i meant what i said a year ago that i can wait.”
chaeyoung wants to say that joy shouldn’t, that she’s better off with others who aren’t still hung up on their ex, that she’ll be happier with someone who isn’t her, but before she could say anything, the actress cuts her off.
“well, since i can’t be with you for tomorrow, can i at least take you out of this awful studio that you’ve been holed up, for what? five hours?”
twelve, chaeyoung thoughts, but doesn’t dare to say anything in fear of getting scolded by the actress. “did you bring anything to cover up? your fans might recognize you.”
joy laughs, “you act like i’m the only one famous here when you’ve got a bigger fanbase than mine.”
“yeah, but they’re not rabid fanboys unlike yours.” she jokes back after picking up her scarf at her bag, and strides over to the actress. “can you please stand?”
“will you give me a kiss if i did?” joy cheekily asks, her insides melting a bit when the musician’s cheeks flushes with pink.
chaeyoung chooses not to answer, her heart starting to beat erratically when the actress stands a little bit too close. regardless, she still wraps the thick cloth on the taller girl’s neck. all while, she can feel joy’s heavy gaze at her, which doesn’t really lessen the heat in her face. she hurriedly finishes her task, already regretting why she even did this in the first place, when the actress could’ve easily done it.
she was about to step away, when the actress’s left arm wraps around her waist, and pulls her closer.
“y-yah, sooyoung-ah, let go.” she curses herself for stammering, and when she looks at the teasing expression on the actress's face, she has the sudden urge to punch joy’s perfect set of teeth.
“thank you for the scarf, chaeyoung-ah,” joy leans her forehead to the musician’s, “now, can we go on a date?”
the actress's close presence isn't good for chaeyoung, personally. it's like she's short circuiting in front of her crush, as kids would say. she tries to look away from joy's gaze filled with obvious admiration, and she can't help but think of how long will joy continue to look at her this way?
certainly, not very long.
jennie used to look at her this way too.
eyes that was filled with love and happiness and admiration and everything that will make you feel like you're flying freely.
until she didn't.
(does jisoo feel the same way too?)
"hey," joy softly bumps her head, bringing her back again for the umpteenth time. "lost you there for a second, you okay?"
chaeyoung nods her head, "yeah, are you ready to go?"
if the actress notices anything wrong, she didn't try saying it out loud. rather, she easily slips her fingers with the musician's, hoping the blankness underneath the irises will fade away. she motions her dog to follow them as chaeyoung picks up her purse, and opens the door out of the studio. together, they walk out of the building with their hands clasped, and towards the actress's car.
joy unclasps her hand from chaeyoung's and opens the passenger door for her. she closes it after haetnim jumps on the musician's lap, and circles around to open her side. as she drives out of the parking lot, she takes a quick look at the brunette, who raises an eyebrow at her in return.
"are you falling for me, sooyoungie?" chaeyoung teases, the corner of her eyes crinkle with delight.
dummy, i already did.
"yeah, what are you going to do about it? catch me?" joy laughs, even though the dread of knowing the answer fills her up.
"and if i did? then what?"
truthfully, joy isn't expecting that answer at all. she was already accustomed to chaeyoung often evading the topic of them being together, and yes, at first, it hurt her a lot. but when she found out, or at least deduced what happened on the musician's last relationship, she knew what should be done, and that's being patient. clearly, something unpleasant happened that made chaeyoung wary of anything related to romance, so if being patient can help her chances, then that's what she'll do.
but this?
the fact that chaeyoung thought about it brings joy in a whole another level of hopefulness and happiness.
"then, i'll try my hardest everyday making you feel loved and happy."
but, until when? chaeyoung wants to ask, but stops herself. instead, she asks, "so, what are we getting for tonight?"
again, the good thing about joy is that she isn't jennie.
the bad thing is that she's still chaeyoung. she's still the same person that jennie fell in love with, until she stopped.
so, whatever made jennie stop, it's still with her.
jennie leaving doesn't magically make the thing about her leave too. and as much as she's dying to know what was in her that made jennie leave, she also doesn't want to know because she's afraid of hating herself.
she knows how much of a destruction can bring if one starts to hate oneself, and chaeyoung isn't too keen with experiencing that again. she's been over that since trainee days.
and ironically, jennie was also the one who helped her during those tough moments.
chaeyoung hopes she can find the courage in herself to seek out jennie's reasons for leaving.
she hopes that she's strong enough to handle it.
because god knows how much she needs every bit of strength to get past it.