grapes and vulnerability
for the entirety of ten plus years friendship with lisa, chaeyoung has never felt this nervous as she stands outside of her best friend’s apartment. she has been in the vicinity probably more than her own apartment, and that says something. she considers lisa’s place almost like her third home.
(first, her parents’ house in australia and second, her own studio)
her nerves were all jumbled up on the inside as she waits for whoever is going to open the door to her. she’d open it of course, but when her mom found out that she’d be visiting her members, she insisted that she’d bring some presents for her quote unquote, “favourite ladies”. so, with both her hands occupied with four huge paper bags filled with her mom’s gifts and lisa’s groceries that she’d picked up from the way here, she honestly feels her arms straining at this point.
when the door opens, she’s thankful she didn’t fall with the weight that she’s carrying as lisa jumps on her.
“CHAEYOUNG-AH! I MISSED YOU!” the over energized dancer shouts in her ear.
“i missed you too, but a little help please?” chaeyoung slightly winces at the weight on her left, “you didn’t think to inform me that you had three bags of groceries?”
lisa takes the other bag, a sheepish smile on her lips, “sorry, i thought joy was coming and she’d help you out, cause you know.”
“oh shut up,” chaeyoung snorts at lisa wriggling her brows, “and no, i drove myself here. she had a schedule to attend to.”
she steps inside and was immediately greeted by two cats, louis and leo, already crowding her legs. she coos at them before hearing another greeting from the kitchen.
“chaengie! you’re here!” jisoo hurriedly helps her with the remaining bags and places it on the wide sofa. “what’s with all of these?”
“my mom sent those, you know how she is,” chaeyoung laughs, and leans down to give louis a kiss. “you’re making them fat again, lisa.”
“they are not! i have them on diet,” she hears the thai, walking towards the kitchen with her supplies.
she picks up the grey cat and snuggles it as she strides to the area where lisa is. “yeah, since when?”
“since yesterday,” lisa mumbles, then groans when the aussie laughs. “you don’t know how cranky they get when i limit their food.”
“that’s because you spoil them too much,” chaeyoung raises louis slightly, then gives another kiss on the head. “so, who will be cooking?”
“jennie unnie, of course.” lisa simply says. “she practically announced that i should be out of the kitchen as soon as they stepped in here.”
chaeyoung lets down the grey cat, heart beating rapidly due to- she doesn’t know. perhaps from excitement? or nervousness? truth to be told, she hasn’t seen her ex since they sat down in the company’s big office and decided that a hiatus was very much needed along with the senior managers. after that, she took the opportunity to finally let herself feel about their break up that happened months ago. chaeyoung couldn’t find the time to process everything as they were in the middle of world tour and promotions for the third album when they broke up, hence, she pushed it back until she found the perfect time.
and she did.
she still is.
almost a year after the break up, and here she is, still nursing her broken heart.
she never tried to seek jennie, and obviously, the older girl did the same too. and really, she doesn’t know if she should be glad or hurt that jennie didn’t reach out to her after the hiatus.
maybe both.
so right now, she isn’t sure of what reaction would she emit. she should be cordial, right? or should she act like nothing ever happened between them? or she should just follow whatever jennie’s action towards her?
no, she thoughts, i followed her back then, and look where it got me.
she didn’t have much time to argue with herself when she feels the presence of jennie behind her.
“lisa-yah, did you take out the meat i texted you earlier?” she hears the older girl ask the girl beside her.
“i did, unnie, it’s in the blue plate by the sink.” lisa answers as she organises the groceries by their cabinets.
“okay, i should start since chae-“ chaeyoung turns and sees the older girl’s steps faltering. “chaeyoung-ah, you’re here.”
the soloist thinks the air got knocked out of her chest in a snap, because her first love is absolutely breathtaking, even in casual clothes. besides her hair getting longer, jennie still looks like the girl she fell in love three years ago.
how is it that she changed so much without changing anything at all?
chaeyoung tightens her grip on the kitchen counter behind her as the overwhelming need to hug her washes over her. she knows that she’ll break if she gives in to the sweet temptation of returning to the place where she found her solace.
and while, she might feel a whole lot of lost these couple of months, she’s not that weak.
she’s not desperate enough to go back into jennie’s arms again.
no matter how much she wants to, she can’t.
because jennie already found her home in someone else’s.
“yeah, i arrived a few minutes ago,” chaeyoung offers a small smile, careful not to let any emotion slip past her. she notes that the older girl’s fingers fidget slightly before hiding it behind the paper bag on the table, but she doesn’t dwell on it. she stopped reading jennie’s actions a long time ago when she stopped making sense. she learned not to push anymore, because you’ll get pushed back even further.
“how are you, unnie?” she asks after a beat of silence passes by. she wonders if lisa has noticed that she hasn’t moved since the older girl stepped in the room.
“i’ve been well, busy with endorsements and stuffs,” jennie answers, then stares at chaeyoung straight to the eyes. “and you?”
she averts her gaze to the grey cat pawing at her pants, “i’m doing good.”
and that’s that.
she doesn’t know what to ask more since they are technically on non-speaking terms. it’s not like chaeyoung can also ask, “so, what did i do wrong for you to fall out of love with me?”, because first, lisa is in the hearing range of their conversation, and second, she isn’t sure if jennie can answer honestly. not that she expects her too, but she really doesn’t know jennie anymore.
thankfully, jisoo emerges from the living room, and looks at the both of them then laughs. “jinja? are you both shy right now? to each other?”
“yeah, it’s like the days where you both sneak out of the practice room to mess in the studio didn’t happen.” lisa quips from the sides, then walks at her side and places an arm around her shoulder. “loosen up, guys!”
chaeyoung laughs, trying to suppress the memories of them in the studio, stealing kisses while singing songs. her heart aches again. “sorry, it’s been a while with all of us together again.”
“don’t worry rosé-ah, we know you’re working hard. just don’t forget to take care of yourself, okay?” jisoo walks over her and puts an arm around her other shoulder.
“group hug!” lisa shouts, and chaeyoung notices jennie hesitate before walking towards them to join the group hug.
being in close proximity with the older girl didn’t help chaeyoung’s erratic heartbeat at all. if it’s possible, she may just have self-diagnosed herself having tachycardia due to the spontaneous thumping against her ribcage. luckily, jennie didn’t seem to touch her skin at all, so she counts that as a win.
after the group hug, lisa complained of being hungry, and that pretty much set the mood. chaeyoung was in charge in making the salad, jisoo in the dessert, jennie with their main course, and lisa setting the tables. they worked together in perfect harmony, or as perfect it may be due to lisa and jisoo’s small banters, and jennie shushing them when their voices are louder than the music that they played. other times, it’s just her and lisa doing the most of the chatting.
it almost feels like home.
almost.
“so i was wandering around germany, and then guess who i saw,” lisa pauses for dramatic effect, and jisoo rolls her eyes subtly, though a curve in her lips can be seen. “it’s seulgi unnie! i was so shocked that i shouted her name and then her eyes are just like- got big- then she shouted my name too and we just ran crazily to one another.“
chaeyoung laughs at the dancer’s overly excited hand signs, “you did that in the middle of the street?”
“yeah, we did!” lisa grins widely, “after that, we just hung out all day. it was so much fun, i kept wishing that you were there with me.”
she shakes her head, and sips her wine, “yeah, i wished that too, but promotions were a bit crazy during that time.”
“psy-nim’s company treats you okay, chaeng?” jisoo asks her before she chomps her chips.
“yeah, they do. it’s like i’m psy-nim’s niece when i’m at the company.” chaeyoung leans back further in the hammock.
“well, we’re just happy that you’re happy chaeyoungie,” the oldest gives her a warm smile, and she pretends that she doesn’t see jisoo curling her hand with jennie’s.
“thank you, unnie. i’m very happy right now.”
lying never tasted so bitter in her lips.
they just finished dinner, and are now lounging at lisa’s wide veranda with a couple bottles of wine in the small table. lisa was seated beside her, while the two unnies were seated in front of them. they were exchanging stories of what happened for the last year since the start of their hiatus, and honestly, chaeyoung is having fun. but you know what they say, it’s all fun and games until they ask the hard questions.
“so, chaeng-ah, how about you? tell us about joy,” jisoo smirks, a teasing glint in beneath her dark eyes.
“oh~ rosie posie drop your tidbits,” lisa urges the actress’s antics, causing the soloist to blush pink.
“there’s nothing to tell, really.” chaeyoung feels her cheeks burn even more at jisoo and lisa laughing their asses more. “you guys are always like this, jennie unnie, help me out.”
maybe it’s the wine, she thinks. it’s the first time she directly conversed with jennie, and she clearly saw the surprise of the older girl, but quickly hid it with a laugh.
“yah, stop it, girls. chaeng will tell us if she’s comfortable with it.” the chanel ambassador reprimands the silly duo, then shifts her gaze to chaeyoung’s. “won’t you, rosie?”
something about jennie’s eyes will never fail to make her vulnerable. maybe it’s the contrasting qualities of it; the sharpness of her gaze yet the softness beneath those irises, or maybe it’s just the way jennie has this gaze that’s only for her. all for chaeyoung.
or maybe it’s the way jennie says her name.
she’s the first one to break the stare, turning her head to the twinkling lights of seoul, trying to calm the beating of her heart. she thinks it isn’t fair that jennie still gets to have this effect on her. like she never left chaeyoung all those years ago. like she’s still hers.
it makes her so angry, yet so sad.
it seems like she’s not completely over jennie.
“of course, unnie,” chaeyoung says, quickly shifting her gaze to her members, “but right now, there’s really nothing to tell.”
“you can tell us about the day where you both went to paris on valentine’s day.” lisa leans forward and pours her another glass of wine.
she leers at her best friend, as the other cheekily passes her the expensive wine glass. “yah, lalisa-“
“oh, i remember that! we were there too, right, jendeukie?” jisoo tugs her girlfriend’s hand, while the latter empties her glass. “you didn’t call us, chaeyoung-ah, we could’ve met up.”
chaeyoung refuses to stare at the person across her, “i was there to support anthony’s new line up, and joy just happened to be there for a shoot with burberry too.” she decides to tell the half truth; she really did come to paris to support her dearest friend, and to return an antique item that jennie gave her for christmas when they were together.
it was a music box, but the rare item is the notes inside it. jennie composed the notes, and had it custom made in paris. and since it only works with the music box, chaeyoung decided to keep the notes, and to return the box.
it was one of the most precious gifts that she’d had to give up, but at that time, she was desperate to remove any traces of jennie in her life.
even if she never gets to hear jennie’s composition for her ever again.
“and besides,” she drinks a mouthful of liquid to ease the burn in her chest, “it’s valentine’s day. why would i ruin a couple’s day with my single self?” she laughs jokingly, though the self depreciation is eating her inside.
jisoo scoffs her statement away, “come on, chaengie, since when did we made you feel like a third wheel?”
chaeyoung pretends to contemplate, she doesn’t want to admit to her unnie that she tends to avoid moments where the three of them had to be left alone together. “never.”
“exactly, let’s cheers to that.” jisoo clinks her glass with the soloist before downing it completely.
“okay, don’t tell yeri that i said this but,” lisa suddenly places her hand on chaeyoung’s shoulder, “joy has romantic feelings for you.”
“daebak! i knew it!” jisoo squeals, and turns to jennie. “yah, jendeuk, i told you so! i told you so!”
“i was surprised also, i mean i always teased her whenever we meet up, but her admitting it to yeri? wow.” lisa crosses her and stares at chaeyoung’s pink cheeks. “so?”
“‘so’?” she focuses her gaze on lisa, and not on the burning gaze from a certain somebody.
“what are you going to do about it?” the thai asks her, an unfamiliar glint present in her eye.
chaeyoung shrugs, she doesn’t want to tell them that she already knew about older woman’s interest on her. “if it’s true, then, i don’t know.”
now, that is true. she really doesn’t want to hurt joy, even if she just started having feelings for the older girl. but she can’t enter another relationship without fixing herself first. that she knows. joy is a good person, and she doesn’t deserve someone who hasn’t healed from the past yet.
joy deserves better.
“why? are you scared?” jisoo asks.
a beat of silence.
“yeah, i guess am, unnie.”
lisa was taken aback by chaeyoung’s response. she had always known that the vocalist was brave in all aspects, but hearing her sound so small just tugs her heartstrings. now she isn’t stupid, she knows that something is up with rosé over the past few months, but she didn’t want to push her into saying it. she knows that she’ll come to her at her own pace.
but right now, she couldn’t be anymore right and wrong.
something is up, alright, and it looks like chaeyoung is not going to tell her anytime soon.
she stares at her best friend, her expression was hard to read, and that's coming from someone who's been friends with her for over a decade. she gives jisoo a look that clearly says ‘drop it’, and thankfully, the oldest understood.
lisa then decides that she’ll have to force it out of chaeyoung. even if they end up fighting, she has to know. she’s been nonchalant enough about rosé being too secretive ever since their world tour, and trusted her about opening it up to her. but it’s clear that she has no plans of telling her problems to anyone.
and yeah, lisa is a bit hurt that chaeyoung didn’t try to even confide in her, but she decides to let it go for now. her best friend needs her, and she’ll be damned if she ignores it again.
jennie tightens her grip on the cushion beneath her, the guilt inside her chest growing larger day by day. she needs to fix this.
but how can she?
she doesn’t even know where to begin.
how do you explain to the love of your life that you left her because you got too afraid? that you chose safety over her?
sometimes, jennie just hates herself.