Normalcy

After a couple hours with Ochako, Izuku feels lighter than he has in days. He feels like he can laugh and breathe without being weighed down by a heavy weight of shame and guilt.

Though the shame and guilt come crashing back down on him when Ochako pulls into his driveway.

“Alright, I let it slide and didn’t ask what was up. I helped you feel better, now, what’s wrong?,” Ochako asks him and Izuku can tell from her tone that she won’t let him lie his way out of this.

Izuku groans, dragging both hands down his face before answering.

“Okay, okay. It’s just, I don’t know, I mean I’ve been going to church for as long as I can remember, and it’s never felt… difficult to go,” Izuku explains, pausing to take a steadying breath.

“What was different about today?” Ochako pushes.

“It felt… oppressive,” Izuku admits, his voice heavy with guilt as he hangs his head and continues, “I don’t know, I can’t explain why, but the air felt thick, it was hard to breathe in the chapel, and the pastor’s voice sounded fuzzy in my ears.”

He tries to hold back tears as he explains, but it’s getting more and more difficult with every word that escapes his mouth. Every word, every letter, feels like it slices his throat as they’re spoken.

Izuku feels Ochako’s hand touch his back and start rubbing soothing circles on it.

“Why did it feel like that?” she asks in a soft, concerned whisper.

“I- I don’t know. Maybe I do? It’s like ever since you suggested I could be queer, everything’s felt different. I know I shouldn’t, but I just feel so ashamed, Ochako.”

And with that, the tears finally escape Izuku’s eyes, running down his face and leaving devastating trails behind. At the sound of his sobbing, Ochako moves to pull him into a hug, despite how awkward it is because they’re still in her car.

They stay like that for a while, Ochako holding Izuku in her arms and rubbing his back as he cries, until Izuku’s tears ease and his breathing evens out.

“So, do you think all of that was caused because you are considering that you could possibly be queer?” Ochako asks gently as she pulls away from Izuku.

Izuku’s all out of words, but slowly, he nods, not looking at Ochako at all.

He refuses to admit it, or even think about it, but Izuku knows. He hasn’t even told Ochako about it, but he’s known from an early age. He knew from the moment he noticed how attractive a classmate of his was in middle school, how much Izuku liked this boy’s hair and smile, despite how rude he was, but he shoved those feelings away until he forgot about them.

He tried dating girls in an attempt to find one who would make him finally feel normal, but that never happened. Izuku never found a girl that could clear away what he already knew about himself.

He forgot about that knowledge until one conversation with Ochako and meeting an angry blonde at the beach.

The knowledge makes him sick.

Not knowing what else to say and not wanting to speak, Izuku allows the car to fill with a heavy silence, Ochako still rubbing his back.

“I have work in the morning, I’m going to go inside,” Izuku says after long moments of nothing.

Ochako moves her hand away from him and he slowly climbs out of the car, barely whispering a goodbye.

Once alone inside his apartment, Izuku showers and collapses on his bed, utterly drained and exhausted.

It’s not true. It’s not true. It’s not true.

Izuku repeats those three words in his mind like a mantra until he falls asleep, completely forgetting to pray like he does every night.

In the morning, Izuku’s body still feels heavy with exhaustion, but he forces himself out of bed to prepare for work.

As he’s brushing his teeth, Izuku realizes with a surge of panic that he didn’t say his morning prayer or night prayer and hurries to say one, apologizing to God for forgetting last night’s prayer. He feels a tight knot of nerves in his stomach as he prays, feeling like it’s wrong to be speaking to God as his conversation with Ochako yesterday replays in his mind.

It’s not true. He tells himself the whole morning. Izuku finishes preparing for work, still repeating those three words, even as he drives to the cafe he works at.

“Good morning, Izuku,” his coworker, Shoto, greets Izuku when he enters the employee room at the cafe.

“G’morning, Shoto,” Izuku says back, giving his friend a small smile while he grabs his apron and ties it around his back.

“Did you get enough sleep? You look exhausted,” Shoto comments.

“Yeah, I’m fine!” Izuku forces his voice to sound as happy as it usually does, trying to not show his nerves.

Shoto regards him for a moment before nodding and heading to the counter to start his shift. Izuku follows after a few moments.

Mornings at the cafe are usually slow, which is why Izuku asked to be put on the morning shift along with Shoto. They’ve been open for almost an hour now and not one customer has wandered in, so Izuku and Shoto talk while making drinks for themselves. As he chats with Shoto, Izuku feels his nerves begin to ease.

That is until the bell above the door suddenly chimes, announcing the entrance of their first customer.

Izuku looks at the entrance to see who has come in and his stomach automatically ties itself into messy knots all over again, his body going stiff.

At the front of the cafe, Kirishima and Bakugo have just entered.

Izuku regrets ever asking to be put on the morning shifts.

Kirishima glances at the front counter and smiles when he sees Izuku there.

“Izuku! Hey! You work here?” Kirishima says happily, making his way to the counter, Bakugo following quietly behind him.

“Hey, Kirishima! Yeah, but I just recently got put on morning shifts,” Izuku explains, smiling. He forces himself not to look at Bakugo, which is easier with Kirishima talking to him.

“Oh, that’s great! Bakugo and I come in every morning,” Kirishima throws his arm around Bakugo, who scowls at him.

“Don’t touch me, shitty hair.”

Kirishima laughs and moves his arm away, focusing back on Izuku.

“Are you coming to Kaminari’s little party this weekend?” Kirishima questions him, and he looks so hopeful that Izuku feels bad he’s considering not going.

“I don’t know yet, I told him that I’d try to make it,” Izuku tells him, scratching at the back of his neck.

“Come on, man! It’ll be fun, Kaminari throws good parties and we all enjoyed hanging out with you at the beach, didn’t we, Bakugo?”

“Whatever, can we order?”

“Ah, right! What do you guys want?” Izuku asks nicely, switching to his customer service voice.

The pair order and Shoto starts making their drinks as they wait at the other end of the counter.

Despite his best efforts, Izuku’s eyes find their way to Bakugo, watching as he talks with Kirishima. Izuku hates how he notices how attractive Bakugo is when he isn’t scowling or yelling and the bright red color of his eyes that shine even in the dim lighting of the cafe.

Too distracted by Bakugo, Izuku realizes too late that Kirishima noticed him staring. Izuku panics as he watches Kirishima smirk and turn back to Bakugo, saying something which makes the other scowl and punch Kirishima’s shoulder lightly.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. He definitely thinks I’m weird. Oh no.

“You look panicked,” Shoto comments, startling Izuku out of his thoughts.

“I-It’s nothing!” Izuku says, too high pitched and squeaky to be believable. Shoto quirks an eyebrow at him, but doesn’t push and goes to place Kirishima and Bakugo’s drinks at the other end of the counter for them.

Before they leave, Kirishima comes back over to talk to Izuku.

“Before we leave, can I get your number? Kaminari likes to be annoying and wouldn’t give it to me when I asked.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll put it in your phone,” Izuku replies, reaching out to grab the phone when Kirishima hands it to him.

“Thanks, man!” Kirishima puts the phone back in his pocket, “We hope you come to the party in Saturday, we’d love for you to come,” he adds with a wink, nudging Bakugo with his elbow who pushes his arm away with a scowl.

“Yeah, I’ll try and go,” Izuku says with a smile, confused by the interaction and Kirishima’s tone, but he waves at them as they leave.

Once the door closes behind them, Izuku hangs his head, suppressing a groan.

“Don’t ask,” he says to Shoto because Izuku can feel him staring.

The rest of his shift goes just fine. Not too many customers come in, so he spends most of the time chatting with Shoto when he gets the best idea.

“You know that party Kirishima was talking about?” Izuku asks Shoto suddenly.

“Yeah, what about it?”

“You should come with me and Ochako!”

“I don’t go to parties, you know this.”

“Oh, come on. Please?”

“Why do you need me there? You clearly know the people that are going.”

“Just- please, Shoto? I don’t know them that well and Ochako will end up stuck to Mina’s side the entire time,” Izuku’s practically begging at this point, but he doesn’t care. He needs one more person he feels comfortable around to be there.

“Fine, I’ll go,” Shoto finally agrees with a sigh and Izuku hugs him.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He chants as Shoto tries to push him off.

“You’re welcome,” he says, giving up on pushing Izuku away.

Izuku takes his phone out to text Kaminari.

heyy

i can make it to ur party this weekend

is it okay if i bring a friend?

Not expecting an answer right away, Izuku starts shoving his phone back in his pocket when it vibrates with a notification.

that’s great!

and of course you can bring a friend

Izuku hearts the message before putting his phone away and getting back to work. It’s almost noon now and he’ll be off soon, right before it starts getting busy in the cafe.

He finishes taking someone’s order before saying bye to Shoto and heading to the employee room to clock out. Tenya has just arrived to replace Izuku and they talk for a minute before they part ways.

When he gets home, Izuku calls Ochako to have someone to talk to while he does whatever around his apartment. He gets lonely living by himself, so he calls Ochako often just for company. While on the phone with her, Izuku forgets all his earlier nerves for the rest of the day and he doesn’t feel weighed down by all his swirling thoughts.

__________________________________________

The rest of the week goes by slowly as Izuku anticipates Kaminari’s party. Whether it’s because he’s anxious or excited to go, he’s not sure, but it still makes the days leading up to it feel longer than normal.

Every morning, Kirishima and Bakugo come into the cafe, chat with Izuku and sometimes Shoto, order their drinks and leave. Every morning, Izuku feels nervous every time he sees them come in.

On Saturday morning, Kirishima asks about the party again.

“So, have you decided if you’re going to come to the party tonight?”

“Yeah, I am! Shoto’s coming with me,” Izuku tells Kirishima, pointing at Shoto.

Bakugo gives a weird look to Shoto that Izuku can’t understand and chooses to ignore.

“That’s great! We’ll see you guys later then,” Kirishima grins and waves as he starts walking towards the door. Bakugo stands at the counter for a beat longer, still staring at Shoto with a weird expression, before turning and following after his friend.

“Why was he looking at me like that?” Shoto questions once the pair have left the cafe.

“I really don’t know,” Izuku answers, his face scrunching in confusion.

“Oh well,” Izuku sighs, “Do you want to come over later before the party and you, me, and Ochako can all go together?”

“Sure, what time?”

“Mm, around seven should be good. The party starts at nine, so that’ll give us time to just hang out at my apartment before we go.”

Shoto nods in response and Izuku starts taking the order of the customer that just walked in.

The rest of their shift goes by quickly, Izuku says goodbye to Shoto before leaving to go back home, and he starts rummaging through his clothes to find something to wear tonight.

Finding nothing he deems good enough, Izuku falls back on his bed. He covers his face, groaning into his hands, and decides he’ll wait for Ochako and Shoto to get here to help him find an outfit.

He spends the rest of his free time watching the TV in his living room, waiting for his friends.

Without realizing, Izuku falls asleep on his couch and wakes up to someone knocking at his door. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, he slowly gets up to answer the door.

“Oh, were you sleeping?” Ochako asks as she walks into the apartment, Shoto following behind her.

“Yeah, I fell asleep watching TV,” Izuku says through a yawn.

“Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” Shoto looks at the pajamas Izuku threw on once he got home from work.

“No, of course not! I actually don’t have an outfit yet, I wanted you guys to help me,” Izuku explains, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ochako squeals happily and darts off towards Izuku’s room, Izuku and Shoto following behind her.

“Alright, let’s see what you’ve got in here,” Ochako starts humming to herself as she digs around in Izuku’s dresser.

“Why did you need us to pick your outfit?” Shoto asks as he sits at the end of Izuku’s bed.

“Because I couldn’t find anything on my own,” Izuku complains, sitting down next to Shoto.

After a few minutes of looking through Izuku’s clothes, Ochako pulls out a plain pair of baggy, dark blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a light blue button down with elbow length sleeves. She turns around to face Izuku and Shoto, holding up the clothes triumphantly.

“Perfect, here put these on!” She tosses the clothes to Izuku, a big grin on her face.

“You don’t think these are too.. casual?” Izuku looks down at the outfit Ochako put together, frowning slightly.

“It’s just a party, you don’t have to get all dressed up,” Ochako rolls her eyes, going to join Shoto and Izuku on the bed. She pushes at Izuku, urging him to go and put the clothes on.

After changing in his bathroom, Izuku looks over himself in the mirror. The outfit is plain, but he actually likes how he looks. He’s so used to seeing himself in a suit for church or a lazy outfit he throws on for work, rarely in an outfit that was actually put together with some thought.

“Does it look good?” Izuku asks carefully when he walks back to his room to show Ochako and Shoto.

Shoto just nods while Ochako starts complimenting him.

“You look amazing, Izuku! I knew that outfit would look great on you,” she exclaims, hopping up from his bed.

“Okay, okay,” Izuku cuts her off before she can say more, laughing, “Thank you, ‘Chako, I like the outfit!”

She winks at him before saying,

“You got any good food? I’m hungry.”

She’s already wandering towards his kitchen before Izuku can answer. Shaking his head, Izuku turns to Shoto.

“Are you hungry? I don’t have a lot of real food, but I have some of those chips you like,” Izuku tells him.

“Yeah, I’ll have some of those, thanks,” Shoto stands from Izuku’s bed and follows after Ochako to the kitchen, Izuku following behind.

The three of them find something to eat and sit down on the couch to watch TV until it’s time for the party. Around nine thirty, Ochako decides they can start heading to Kaminari’s house.

“We can’t be early, we have to be a little late,” she explained when Shoto and Izuku asked why they couldn’t leave earlier.

Finally, they park in front of Kaminari’s house and hear the loud music playing from inside.

“Oh gosh, is there going to be a lot of people?” Izuku nervously asks Ochako as they step out of her car.

“Not too many, definitely some people you won’t know, but everyone who was at the beach will be here,” Ochako reassures him with a smile, but Izuku still feels nervous.

“We’ll stick with each other the whole night,” Izuku whispers to Shoto, grabbing his arm. Shoto just nods in response.

Kaminari’s house is filled with loud music, but the feel inside is cozy, not overwhelming and chaotic like Izuku had expected. It’s pretty calm here, which helps put Izuku at ease.

“Ochako! You made it!”

Mina throws her arms around Ochako when she spots them and Ochako’s face turns slightly pink. Izuku and Shoto both laugh slightly at their friend and she shoots them a look, making them look away.

“Hi, Mina,” Ochako laughs as she hugs the pink haired woman back. Mina pulls her further into the house, towards a group of girls.

“You guys finally decided to show up, huh?” Sero shows up beside Izuku, throwing his arm around him and peering over to look at Shoto curiously.

“Yeah, we lost track of time,” Izuku explains, laughing nervously.

“Hey, Izuku, who’s he?” Sero whispers to him.

“Hm?” Izuku looks at Sero and sees him looking at Shoto with intense interest. “Oh, that’s Shoto, he’s a friend of mine.”

“Is he single?” Sero’s barely whispering, but Shoto hasn’t seemed to notice the conversation, just standing quietly next to Izuku, observing the party.

“As far as I know, yeah,” Izuku tells Sero, whose lips quirk up into a small smile.

“Cool,” is all he says before taking his arm off Izuku and going to talk to Shoto.

Izuku watches the two talk for a moment before wandering off, giving them space. Not knowing what to do with himself, he tries to find Ochako, but before he can, Kaminari and Kirishima find him.

“Izuku! I started thinking you weren’t going to come,” Kaminari claps him on the back with a smile.

“Hey, Kaminari and Kirishima. We just kind of lost track of time,” Izuku repeats what he told Sero.

“Oh, right! You brought Shoto, where is he?” Kirishima asks.

“Sero’s got him occupied,” Izuku points in the direction of the two who seem to be getting more comfortable with each other already. Kirishima and Kaminari both glance over to them and smile.

“I knew Sero would like him,” Kirishima comments, satisfied with himself.

“I’m honestly surprised Shoto seems so comfortable talking to him. He’s usually so quiet around new people.”

“Sero’s the kind of person who feels easy to talk to,” Kaminari tells him, “Anyway, you want a drink?”

“Oh, no, I don’t drink,” Izuku tells him, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervous smile.

“Hey! Bakubro, there’s another sober one here,” Kirishima calls to Bakugo, who was talking with Jirou. He looks towards the three of them with a scowl.

“Don’t call me that, shitty hair,” Bakugo barks, walking over to the small group.

“Izuku also doesn’t drink,” Kaminari tells him, “You two can be boring together!”

Bakugo rolls his eyes at him.

“Come on, Kami,” Kirishima nudges at the other man, “Let’s go get drinks and let them be lame together.”

Before walking away, Kirishima winks at Bakugo, who looks ready to punch the red head.

“How come you don’t drink?” Izuku asks Bakugo after the other two have walked away, glancing at him curiously. When Bakugo looks back at him, Izuku tears his eyes away from him, his face burning.

“It’s stupid. People are dumb enough without alcohol,” Bakugo explains. “Why don’t you?”

“Mostly ‘cause it goes against God and the Bible, but also ‘cause I think it’s stupid anyway.”

“If you’re religious, how come you’re okay with Shoto and Sero flirting?” Bakugo asks, looking at the two who are still talking, Shoto wearing a small smile.

“Well, I mean, what reason do I have to not be okay with it?” Izuku shoots back.

“Doesn’t God view that kind of thing as a sin?” Izuku can feel Bakugo’s questioning eyes on him and finally looks at his face. There’s something in his fiery eyes that Izuku can’t understand.

Izuku struggles to answer because that’s exactly what he tells himself, despite being supportive of Shoto and Ochako. His hand comes up to clutch the silver cross hanging at his neck.

“How could love be a sin?” Izuku whispers, voicing that question for the first time. He’s been asking himself that for a few days now.

Bakugo opens to his mouth to say something, but before he can, someone calls to Izuku from behind them.

“Midoriya?”

Izuku turns towards the voice and feels his mouth drop open slightly.

“S-Shindo?” Izuku sputters in surprise, shocked to see him.

“Hey, man! I haven’t seen you since middle school, what are you doing here?”

Izuku’s mouth is dry. He’s shocked to see Shindo here. The boy he had feelings for in middle school.

Oh gosh. Oh gosh. Oh gosh.

“Um, I’m, uh, friends with Kaminari. H-He invited me,” Izuku stutters out, trying to hide how nervous he is.

“Wow, you used to love talking to me and now you seem like you don’t even want to see me,” Shindo laughs and claps Izuku on the shoulder, leaving his hand there. Izuku’s hands start to shake and he shoves one in his pocket, the other remaining closed around his necklace.

“Probably because he doesn’t want to,” Bakugo speaks up from beside him when Izuku stays silent for a beat. Shindo’s hand falls off his shoulder and Izuku realizes that Bakugo pushed it off.

“Ah, you must have just met him,” Shindo’s tone is dripping with condescension. “Midoriya, you don’t talk about me anymore?”

Izuku forces words to come out of his mouth.

“I-I’m not in middle school anymore, Shindo.”

The words come out shaky and quiet, but Shindo hears.

“Clearly,” Shindo huffs out, “You’d still be following me around if that was the case.”

Shindo sounds so satisfied making a fool out of Izuku as he always used to.

“Could you just- just leave me alone?” Izuku tries to sound bold, but his voice sounds scratchy and weak to his own ears.

“Whatever, I’ve got better people to talk to anyway,” Shindo scoffs as he finally walks away and Izuku feels like he can breathe again.

He still feels shaky and numb. Shindo always made fun of Izuku for adoring him a little too much and he could tell Izuku liked him. Seeing him again makes Izuku feel as pathetic as he did in middle school, despite being twenty two now.

“Who was that asshole?” Bakugo questions once Shindo is out of sight.

Izuku clears his throat before answering, “A guy I knew in middle school.”

He refuses to lift his eyes from where they’ve fallen to look at the floor. He can feel Bakugo staring at him, expecting more of an explanation, but Izuku refuses to tell any more than that.

“Was he always that much of a jerk?” Bakugo prods when Izuku remains silent. All he can provide for an answer is a small nod.

“I-I need some air,” Izuku tells Bakugo, forcing his feet to carry him outside.

He walks outside to the big front porch and leans heavily on the railing, taking deep, steadying breaths. As if his internal struggles couldn’t get worse, he just had to see Shindo here. Lifting his head up to look towards the starry sky, Izuku whispers a prayer, closing his eyes.

“God, please if you can hear me, ease these feelings. It’s all too much. I don’t want to feel like this. Please, God, give me a sign that it’ll all be okay.”

His words sound desperate and tired.

Too absorbed in his own thoughts and feelings, Izuku doesn’t hear Bakugo coming out to the porch until he speaks.

“Are you- are you… alright?” Bakugo asks hesitantly.

Izuku doesn’t look at him. He can’t.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just needed some air,” Izuku answers.

Silence fills the space between them, Izuku unable to say anything else and Bakugo not knowing what else to say. They’ve begun to talk more since Bakugo comes to the cafe every morning, but with everything that’s just happened, neither knows what to do here.

Izuku allows himself a quick glance at Bakugo, but startles slightly to find him already staring at him. Instead of looking away, Izuku stares back.

The eye contact burns his skin and fills him with guilt, but he can’t force himself to tear his eyes away. Bakugo doesn’t look away either.

In the dim light from the moon and streetlights, Bakugo’s face is illuminated on one side, softening his features. He looks beautiful.

Izuku hates that he can’t bring himself to look away and, unconsciously, his hand comes up to hold his necklace loosely.

How could feelings like this be a sin? The question burns in Izuku’s head.

Bakugo’s eyes drop down to where the cross hangs around Izuku’s neck and he looks away, shaking his head like he’s disappointed. Despite the guilt he feels, Izuku misses having Bakugo’s eyes on him as soon as they look out at the lawn.

“What’s the deal with you and that guy?” Bakugo asks quietly.

Considering that Bakugo witnessed the interaction and Izuku’s panic, he decides it wouldn’t do any more damage to just tell the truth.

“We knew each other in middle school. I-I had an… interest in him,” Izuku feels sick as he explains and takes a deep breath.

“So you liked him?” Bakugo pushes, his tone sounding almost jealous if Izuku isn’t crazy.

“Y-you could say that. I kind of stuck by him and he enjoyed the admiration I gave him, but at the same time, made fun of me for it because I’m younger than him.”

“Do you feel ashamed for liking a guy?” Bakugo finally looks back at Izuku, an intensity to him that throws Izuku off.

“Yeah, I am,” Izuku admits in a whisper.

“Right,” is all Bakugo says.

Silence stretches between them again and is only broken when Ochako and Mina appear at the front door.

“There you guys are!” Ochako exclaims happily when she spots them. Izuku can tell she’s been drinking by the slight slur to her words and the red flush of her face.

“We’ve been looking for you two,” Mina adds with a smile, “Come back inside! The party’s in here, idiots!”

Ochako and Mina drags Izuku and Bakugo back inside, laughing happily. Izuku smiles at them while Bakugo just scowls, which seems to be his natural expression.

Once inside, Ochako drags Izuku to the living room where everyone’s dancing. She laughs as Izuku spins her around and successfully spins her right into Mina. When they collide, the red flush on Ochako’s face deepens and Mina starts dancing with her. Izuku watches them for a moment, happy for his friend, before walking away and sitting on the couch where Bakugo is. He tells himself he didn’t choose this spot because Bakugo’s here, but he knows the truth.

“Gosh, she’s drunk and she’s my ride,” Izuku complains as he slumps down on the couch.

“I could give you a ride,” Bakugo offers, surprising Izuku. Izuku stares at him, thinking he may be joking, but Bakugo looks serious and sounded serious.

“Are you sure? Shoto also came with us.”

“Shoto seemed pretty occupied with Sero, and yeah, I’m sure. Everyone else here is already drunk and won’t be driving.”

“Well, okay. Thanks,” Izuku says, looking away and back to everyone dancing. He’s already pretty tired and he needs to get up early for church in the morning, but he doesn’t want to make Bakugo have to leave earlier than he wants to.

“Just tell me when you’re ready to go,” Bakugo tells him.

“A-actually, would it be okay if you took me home now? I’m already kind of tired and I have church in the morning,” Izuku scratches the back of his neck nervously, feeling bad for wanting to leave already when it’s only eleven.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Let’s go.” Bakugo stands from the couch, shoving his hands into his pockets and Izuku follows after him.

He hates that a part of him is happy about spending more time with Bakugo.