drunken confessions

Her phone has been ringing ever since before she even got to the elevator. She knows who's calling. She knows why they're calling. She also knows that she doesn't want to answer. She watches the numbers on the panel slowly crawl down to the first floor lobby. Kara relishes the slowness of it all. Any other time and she would be itching to use her superspeed to get out of the office, but not tonight.

Tonight, she cherishes each step, takes the time to count each breath; tries to focus on anything other than what's awaiting her. She's not stupid, she knows she would be there.

The ringing of her phone is getting really irritating by the time she's walking on the sidewalk. Kara lets out a sigh and fishes for her phone.

Alex [8:03]: Kara where are you? Everyone's already here.

Alex [8:05]: James is here, are you still at CatCo?

Alex [8:09]: Kara??? You better have a good excuse for being late. Ruby's asking for you.

Alex [8:15]: 7 missed calls.

Alex calling...

"Hey, uhm I'm on my way."

"Kara you can fly what the fuck is taking you so long?"

"I-uhm, I stopped by at the pizza place." Kara was aware that they do not need more pizza. Alex knows this too, but instead of prying about the oh-so-obvious excuse, Alex lets it go.

Kara thinks that she owes Alex one for this.

"Alright, fine just- IS THAT KARA? WHERE IS SHE? TELL HER TO GET HERE FASTER!" That was Sam's enthusiastic voice in the background. She can almost picture the way Sam's grinning widely.

Kara smiles, she's missed her best friend. Somehow, hearing Sam's voice kind of made her get going a bit faster.

Fifteen minutes later, she's standing at Alex's door, six pizza boxes balanced on her arms. Laughter and Nia's out of tune voice can be heard penetrating through the door.

Kara braces herself as she tries to knock. The door immediately opens and Ruby's sweet voice reach her ears.

"Aunt Kara! You're here!" she can't help but laugh.

"Yeah and I brought pizza!" 

Kara walks in, sets the pizza down on Alex's kitchen and then takes in the scene in front of her.

James and Winn are sat on the floor laughing at whatever Nia and Brainy are singing about; J'onn on the couch, a fond smile on his face as he listens in on the conversation; Alex and Kelly occupying the other end of the couch, Kelly's head thrown back in laughter, Alex too busy wiping tears of laughter from her face to notice that Kara had arrived. Sam did though, and was now walking towards her to envelop her in a hug. Okay, so maybe Kara made a mistake maybe, she wasn't here after all.

"Kara! Oh my god, it has been too long." Sam murmurs as Kara returns the hug, "Too long is an understatement." Kara retorts as she hears a chorus of "Hey Kara's finally here!" from the background.

James and Winn immediately stands up from the floor and swarms over to where the food is.

"Kara Danvers, brought pizza, you're my hero." She hears Winn say and she gets caught up in the whirlwind that follows them to the kitchen as everyone starts to greet her and Ruby gives her a big bear hug again, and then she hears the bathroom door open.

A familiar heartbeat registers to her. It was so fucking close therefore so fucking loud in the small apartment.

Alex notices her sister's reaction.

"What?" Alex says at the look on Kara's face.

"You didn't tell me she'd be here." Kara whispers with an accusatory tone Alex notices.

"Kara, this is Sam's party, of course Lena is going to be here."

Kara does in fact knows this; knew it from the moment Sam called and told them she and Ruby would be staying a week in National City and would it be alright if she threw a small get together at Alex's before the week is up? She knows all of this, and yet she still doesn't know how she's going to face the person standing in the living room; whose heartbeat is ringing so loud in her ears, right this moment.

Fuck, she wants to jump out of the window and just take to the skies right now.

"Aunt Lena, look Kara's here and she's brought pizza!" she hears Ruby announce.

They haven't spoken in three months and in about three seconds Lena's voice is going to filter from the living room and through the kitchen.

Kara thinks she's going to faint.

"Yeah, I've noticed." It was a simple statement but Kara feels like it's everything.

Lena walks over to where everyone is and Kara is still frozen. Everyone around her were mingling and laughing and having a good time and she's frozen.

She's frozen and staring at Lena.

The world fades away.

There's just Lena and her green eyes and her dark her. Lena, who's wearing a beautiful black top and jeans. Lena who she hasn't seen in for almost 100 excruciating days.

Kara doesn't know if she's going to throw up or cry.

Nia seems to notice this and flies to the rescue.

"Okay, champ, why don't you uh-go with me to the balcony right now." She lets Nia drag her out. When they reach Alex's balcony and the cold air hits; Kara breaks.

"Rao, I haven't seen her in so long, oh my god, Nia. I can't do this."

Kara was spiraling and she was panicking-

"Kara, calm down. Hey, hey. Look at me," Nia puts her hands on Kara's shoulders to force her to look into Nia's eyes.

"Here's what you're gonna do; you are going to take a deep breath. You are going to suck it up for Sam's and Ruby's sakes. You are going to socialize like a normal human being and-" Nia pauses removes one hand from Kara's shoulders and reaches for something.

Her hand comes back and a bottle is being thrust to Kara's face.

"And you are going to do that with the help of this."

Nia must've made a liquor run before coming here. Kara finds herself frantically and numbly nodding as if the rapid head movement is going to snap her out of it. She takes a breath and then takes a large swig from the bottle

Oh, it burns.

"Attagirl. You good?"

"Yeah, yeah. You're right. I'm gonna be fine. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Yeah okay. Okay."

Nia gives her one more sympathetic smile and before guiding her back inside.

Alex immediately flanks her sister.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine." Kara takes another swig.

"Oh wow, you're drinking. Okay, wow. That's usually me but okay- That's strong stuff. It's Lena isn't it?"

"Yep."

"Oh, this is going to be an interesting night."

Alex was right, it was indeed going to be an interesting night. But nobody knew just how interesting it was going to get.

Kara was having a good time, really she was. She isn't staring at Lena while Lena converses with Sam and intentionally talks about L-Corp stuff so none of them can butt in. Well, Kara says 'none of them' but in actuality she knows it's just her who isn't allowed to butt in.

She takes another sip and lets the alcohol burn through her. It was good, it was all good. Alex was laughing and she's laughing and are they playing Charades? Everything was going to be fine.

Yes, fine. For Sam and Ruby

Maybe opening another bottle would make things more fine?

Opening another did not make things more fine. Because the comparative version of fine is finer and not more fine and Kara thinks she's drunk, but it made the night bearable so-

Kara now felt floaty and light and happy. She even won at UNO! Although, she thinks she may have lost her friendship with Nia after that. But it was fine because she was having a good time,  she really had missed Sam afterall. It was fine if she didn't let her eyes linger on the body sat next to Sam, anyway. It was fine if she didn't think too much about Lena's voice who speaks up every three minutes. It's fine if she pretends they didn't cut things off, three months ago. It's fine.

Kara's fine.

"Well, I think we should call it night. CatCo won't run itself." James voice cut through her haze and then everyone was standing up and cleaning up and hugging each other goodbye.

Next thing she knows is her body robotically going through the process of saying goodbye to everyone. Everything too slow and too fast at the same time. That doesn't even make sense does it?

She was dizzy and the walls were swirly and oh-

"Hey, whoa I think you've had too much to drink." The voice sounded far-away but so familiar. She felt two arms trying to support her up and drag her to the couch, she turned to see who was helping her.

"Hey! You look like my best friend!" Kara said, well, more like shouted.

"Oh, wow she is drunk." Sam says as she watches her two idiots of best friends interact in the living room. Kelly, Alex and her were in the kitchen trying to be quiet as they cleaned up.

"I know right? Nia gave her some liquid courage. Maybe it was a tad too much though." Alex replied, putting away the wine glasses and clearing the kitchen.

"Should we just leave them alone? I mean I know things had been tense."

"I think 'tense' is an understatement." Kelly retorted handing Alex a trashbag

"Agreed." Alex said as they tried to eavesdrop.

They know they shouldn't eavesdrop, but could you really blame them? Nobody knew what happened, just that Kara and Lena stopped talking to each other. Alex tried to coax out the truth from her little sister and Sam had flown in from Metropolis after Lena drunk dialed her and wept. But their attempts were unsuccessful.

Nobody knew what exactly happened and all of them were dying to know the truth.  

Lena had just sat Kara down, she was drunk. She's never seen her drunk before. Hell, she wasn't even aware a Kryptonian can get drunk but apparently-

"You look like her so much." Kara whispered. Right, and Kara was rambling that she looks like Lena Luthor. Like my best friend Kara had said.

So apparently Kryptonians can get drunk and Kara still considers Lena her best friend. Well, that's a lot of information after no contact for over 3 months don't you think? God, what had she gotten herself into?

"I look like your friend?"

"Best friend." Kara had corrected, raising a finger as if to emphasize the point. They were sitting opposite each other. Well, Lena was sitting, Kara was just a slumped mess on the other side.

"She's my best friend. Although, her eyes are prettier than yours."

"What?"

"Her eyes," Kara says, "-they're prettier. Yours seem a bit dull. Hers are so, so green."

"Excuse me?"

"Mm-hmm, she has the prettiest, greenest eyes. Like Kryptonite." Kara lets out a dry chuckle and she had this far-off look in her eye as if reminiscing. Lena was still processing everything that is coming out of Kara's mouth right now. Kara's voice was dreamy but she wasn't slurring. So apparently her eyes are like Kyrptonite. Okay, okay, all she has to do is take deep breaths.

Oh god.

"I remember, she asked me once what was my Kryptonite," Kara continued whilst looking at Lena who was now frozen, heart beating rapidly but so invested at what Kara is going to say. "She asked me and I wanted to answer 'Your eyes.' But of course I didn't. Because she was my best friend and- and how does Alex put it again?-too cheesy? Yeah, if I told Lena that, it would've been too cheesy and also, I realized lately that she wasn't my Kryptonite anyway."

Lena tries to remember how to breathe. Kryptonite? What was she trying to say? God, Kara.

"She isn't my Kryptonite, because she's my sun. And I just- I feel so lost without her, but I can't see her. And it's all my fault. Rao, I miss her so much." Kara continued to ramble on, oblivious to how Lena is feeling, how Lena is fucking panicking because what the actual fuck is happening right now? Kara misses her? She misses her? She's her sun? Kara blames herself?

"I haven't seen her in three months, you know? I haven't seen my sun in three months." Kara looks back at her again, and Lena doesn't know where she gets the courage but she asks the one question that had been plaguing her ever since Kara dropped contact.

"Why?" Why Kara? Why did you stop talking to me? Why didn't you open the door when I came to apologize? Why? But Lena doesn't give voice to all those questions.

"Oh, I can't possibly tell you that. It's a secret."

Damnit, Kara.

"But can I tell you another secret though?" Kara asks voice small, slurring a bit and eyes shy.

"Sure, what it is it?" Why was Lena going through with this? What could she possibly get out of this? More pain? God, she was a Luthor. She was supposed to be a genius. Instead, she's sitting here listening to her drunken friend ramble because Lena had missed her so much and she's going to take whatever Kara is going to give her.

"Don't tell Alex this," Kara whispered but it was still too damn loud because she was too damn drunk "-but the reason I always get so distracted and late during patrols is because I hover at L-Corp."

"What?"

"Remember Lena? The friend I was talking about yeah?"

"Yeah?" Yes of fucking course Lena remembers. She was the friend after all, not that Kara was sober enough to realize but still-

"Well, she works at L-Corp. Technically she owns it. Because she's a brilliant woman like that. So anyway, Lena works at L-Corp and-" Kara's voice now has a sad tone to it.

Lena doesn't know how to feel.

"And sometimes, sometimes I just miss her so much that I hover at L-Corp. And I just stop there for a while. To look at her you know? But she never looks up though. I wish she would, I allow myself ten seconds."

"What?"

"Ten seconds." Kara clarifies, "Ten seconds where I get to see Lena and just listen to her. And her heartbeat. Sometimes, she's on the phone and I get to hear her voice. Those are happy days. Other days she's just typing so I have to settle with just staring at her. Ten short seconds of selfishness. Just ten short seconds. Rao, I just miss her so much you know? I know I should probably stop. Stay away from her for good. But sometimes it gets too much and she's all I want to see. Pictures aren't enough. So, I allow myself ten seconds."

There were tears streaming down Kara's cheek, but she was still speaking so clearly. Lena feels like her chest is going to explode from emotions.

"Ten seconds." Lena repeats, the implications of Kara's words hitting her full force. Kara hovers outside L-Corp? Just to see her? Oh god, how many times has she done that without Lena? How many times has Kara been there when all Lena wanted to do was run to her best friend but couldn't? Does Kara feel the same clawing ache every time? Lena wants to know, Lena wants to know a lot of things, ask a lot of things but she can't get the words out. Before she could open her mouth, Kara speaks again.

"Yeah. Can I tell you another secret?"

This time, Kara doesn't wait for Lena to answer not that Lena could answer anyway, since she was choking on emotions. "I know it's a bad thing, but sometimes I just wish someone would attack L-Corp again. And then maybe I'll get to save her. For longer than ten seconds maybe I'd get to talk to her. I wouldn't care if she's angry. I'd just be happy that her voice is directed at me again."

Now it was Lena who has tears down her face.

"Isn't that just so sick and twisted? I shouldn't wish for that, I'm supposed to be a superhero and yet here I am wishing for something bad to happen just because I'm so selfish."

"You're not selfish, Kara. I-I understand how it feels to miss someone that much. The longing to just see them again. I know how much it hurts." Lena doesn't know where the strength of her voice comes from.

"Y-You do? So ten seconds isn't selfish?"

"Yeah. You're not selfish,"

"That's good to hear. I just want her safe. I'd rather see her from afar than not see her at all. Rather not see her for a long time than see her dead"

"Dead?" What the hell is Kara talking about?

"You have to know, I'm not just doing this for nothing. I'm doing this to keep her safe."

"Safe? Kara, what are you talking about?" Lena's head was swimming around in confusion, what does Kara mean? Was there a threat? Oh god, was there something that Kara didn't tell her? Her thoughts were racing a thousand miles per hour.

"Come on, you've already told me two secrets. What's one more?" Lena presses on, because she has got to know if Kara had another reason to cut her off. She was going to go insane right this moment if Kara doesn't tell her.

"It's her brother."

Oh god, Lena is going to throw up.