The Pants Song
The stage lights turn on to show Ivan, sitting at the kitchen table. Adrien enters with Nathaniel and Marc, carrying the shoebox. He looks good. He acts cold
Ivan: Where do you think you're going, private?
Adrien: The play?
Ivan: What play? You're in a play? Did you borrow my car on Halloween?
Nathaniel: Disdainful denial.
Adrien: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ivan: Then I guess I should blame the car elves.
Adrien: Do whatever you want.
Adrien starts to go
Ivan: Did you take it to that party?
Marc: Wait.
Adrien stops
Ivan: I'm worried about you! You come and go all hours, doing God knows what, wearing these new clothes... What is going on with you?
Marc: Tell him the truth.
Adrien: I took a pill-sized supercomputer called a Squip that's in my brain, and it talks to me, and it's made everything better!
Ivan: ... If you're not going to take me seriously—
Adrien: Why should I?
Ivan: Excuse me?
Adrien: I'm supposed to believe you care? Look in the mirror! Ever since Mom left, you sit around like you're waiting for her to come back! If she did, you know what she'd find? A loser who's so afraid to have a life, he can't even put PANTS ON!
Ivan: I could ground you.
Adrien: I don't think you could. Good talk.
Adrien makes a show of taking the car keys
Adrien: Don't wait up.
Adrien exits. Ivan sits for a beat. He furrows his brow and sighs
Ivan:
JEREMY
IS IN BIG BAD TROUBLE RIGHT NOW
IT'S A TROUBLE THAT
HE CAN'T SEE
SO I GOTTA HELP HIM SOMEHOW
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS
BUT I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS
HE'LL NEED A DAD SO STRONG
TO HELP HIM NOT SLIP AWAY
I HAVEN'T BEEN A DAD FOR SO LONG
BUT I THINK I'M READY TODAY
SITUATION IS GRAVE
NOW'S THE TIME TO BE BRAVE
I'M GONNA FINALLY MAKE THAT CLIMB
ONE LEG AT A TIME
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU TAKE A CHANCE JUST FOR THEM
CHANCE JUST FOR THEM
IF THE ROAD GETS MUDDY
FOCUS ON THE GOAL 'TILL THE ROUGH STUFF'S GONE
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON
The scene changes to Nino sitting on a porch, smoking a joint and cutting up mementos
Nino: Magic the Gathering card he gave me for the birthday no one else remembered... Cut it. Ticket stub from our first concert. Weird Al... Super cut it.
Ivan approaches. He is wearing a pair of thermal underwear
Ivan: Michael!
Nino hides the joint
Nino: Mr. Heere, what are you doing here?
Ivan: We need to talk about Jeremy.
Nino: Sorry, Jeremy and I aren't friends anymore—
Ivan: Do you love him?
Nino looks away, embarrassed
Nino: What?
Ivan: He can be a little shit sometimes. We both know that. But that's no excuse to sit around burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!
Nino: Yeahh, I'm gonna—
He starts to head inside. But Ivan blocks his way
Ivan:
I NEED YOU
CUZ I DO NOT HAVE THE TOOLS
TO HELP WITH WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH AND I KNOW YOU KNOW ALL THE RULES
Nino:
BUT I'M NOT WHAT HE WANTS
Ivan:
BUT YOU'RE JUST WHAT HE NEEDS
THIS MIGHT BE HARD I KNOW
BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND GO
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU TAKE A STANCE JUST FOR THEM
STANCE JUST FOR THEM
IF THE FIGHT GETS BLOODY
JUST KEEP PUSHING THROUGH 'TILL THE PAIN IS GONE
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON
Nino: You're here because you need...pants?
Ivan: Oh no, I need you to reach out to him. Jeremy won't listen to me. And I can't blame him. But somebody has to watch his back.
Nino: ... If I try harder to be his friend...you have to try harder to be his dad! There's a Kohl's down the street. I don't care what kind— jeans, khakis, leather. You're not leaving that store until you buy a pair.
Ivan takes his hand and gives it a firm shake
Ivan: You drive a hard bargain, son.
Nino:
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM
Ivan:
WEAR THOSE PANTS
Nino:
SOMEWHAT RELUCTANTLY
STILL YOU GOTTA GO
Nino/Ivan:
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR THEM
METAPHORICALLY
Ivan:
OR SOMETIMES ACTUAL PANTS
REAL, LITERAL PANTS
Nino/Ivan:
IT'S A CLASSIC STUDY
OF THINGS WE DO FOR OUR BEST FRIEND WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
Nino:
YOU SEE IT TO THE END
Nino/Ivan:
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
Ivan:
THE CONCLUSION'S FOREGONE
Nino/Ivan:
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY
YOU PUT YOUR BIG BOY PANTS RIGHT ON YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON!