Michael In The Bathroom
Adrien: Michael? I didn't know you were invited to this party.
Nino: I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing...this clever disguise!
He gestures to his trash monster costume. Adrien just stares at him as he takes it off, revealing a black shirt with the word ‘CREEPS’ written across in green letters
Nino: You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?
Adrien: It's...off.
Nino: That would explain why you're talking to me… I've been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship... What?
Adrien: It's really good to see you, man.
Nino: It won't be. Once you hear what I found out.
Adrien: Found out?
Nino: About...
He taps his head. Adrien has a look of realization
Adrien: How? There's nothing on the internet—
Nino: Which is weird, right? I mean, what's not on the internet? So I started asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with... Told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?
Adrien: Really happy and successful?
Nino: He's in a mental hospital. Totally lost it.
Adrien: I don't see what that has to do with...
Nino: Think, man! We're talking about an insanely powerful supercomputer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In Jersey? Of all possible applications for such a mind- blowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it's doing inside YOU?...
Adrien: And I thought Chloe was jealous...
Nino: I'm honestly asking!
Adrien: Really? Because I think you're pissed I have one and you don't!
Nino rolls his eyes
Nino: Come on—
Adrien: Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I'd say the universe owed me one. And I don't know about your friend's brother's whatever, but if you're telling me his Squip made him crazy—
Nino: His squip didn't make him crazy.
Adrien: Oh. Well... There you go.
Nino: He went crazy trying to get it out!
Adrien: Then I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?
He heads for the door. But Nino is in his way and isn’t moving any time soon
Adrien: Move it.
Nino: Or you'll what?
The audience holds their breath. Many know what’s going to come next
Adrien: Get out of my way. Loser.
Nino, with a look of heartbreak, steps aside and Adrien exits. He slumps down onto the floor. A knock on the door.
Alya: Hello! Other people have to pee!
Nino: I'm having my period!
Alya: ...Take your time, honey.
Nino:
I AM HANGING IN THE BATHROOM
AT THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE FALL
I COULD STAY RIGHT HERE
OR DISAPPEAR
AND NOBODY'S EVEN NOTICE AT ALL
I'M A CREEPER IN A BATHROOM
CUZ MY BUDDY KINDA LEFT ME ALONE
BUT I'D RATHER FAKE PEE
THAN STAND AWKWARDLY
OR PRETEND TO CHECK A TEXT ON MY PHONE
EVERYTHING FELT FINE
WHEN I WAS HALF OF A PAIR
NOW THROUGH NO FAULT OF MINE
THERE'S NO OTHER HALF THERE
NOW I'M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
FORGET HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
I'M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY
NO YOU CAN'T COME IN
I'M WAITING IT OUT TILL IT'S TIME I LEAVE AND PICKING AT GROUT AS I SOFTLY GRIEVE I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
I'M HIDING, BUT HE'S OUT THERE
JUST IGNORING ALL OUR HISTORY
MEMORIES GET ERASED
THEN I'LL GET REPLACED
WITH A NEWER COOLER VERSION OF ME
AND I HEAR A DRUNK GIRL
SING ALONG TO WHITNEY THROUGH THE DOOR
(I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!)
AND MY FEELINGS SINK
CUZ IT MAKES ME THINK
NOW THERE'S NO ONE TO MAKE FUN OF DRUNK GIRLS WITH ANYMORE
NOW IT'S JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
I HALF REGRET THE BEERS
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY
AND AS I CHOKE BACK TEARS
I'LL WAIT AS LONG AS I NEED TILL MY FACE IS DRY
OR I'LL JUST BLAME IT ON WEED OR SOMETHING IN MY EYE
I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
(KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK)
Nino:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
THEY'RE GONNA START TO SHOUT SOON
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
AW HELL, YEAH I'LL BE OUT SOON
Nino/Party Goers:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Nino:
IT SUCKS HE LEFT ME HERE ALONE
Nino/Party Goers:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Nino:
HERE IN THIS TEENAGE BATTLE ZONE
Nino/Party Goers:
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG
Nino:
I FEEL THE PRESSURE BLOWING UP
Nino/Party Goers:
BANG BANG BANG BANG
Nino:
MY BIG MISTAKE WAS SHOWING UP
Nino walks over to the prop sink and pretends to splash some water in his face
Nino/Party Goers:
SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH
Nino:
I THROW SOME WATER IN MY FACE
AND I AM IN A BETTER PLACE
He walks over to the door and reaches for the knob
Nino:
I GO TO OPEN UP THE DOOR
BUT CAN'T HEAR KNOCKING ANYMORE…
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT YEARN FOR A DIFFERENT TIME
BUT THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND THE PRESENT IS CLEARER
AND THERE'S NO DENYING I'M
JUST…
He doesn’t finish. He bursts into tears, removes his glasses, and uses his sleeve to wipe them away
Nino:
AT A PARTY
IS THERE A SADDER SIGHT THAN (Hums)
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
THIS IS A HEINOUS NIGHT
I WISH I STAYED AT HOME IN BED, WATCHING CABLE PORN
OR WISH I OFFED MYSELF INSTEAD, WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!
I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO'S A LONER
SO HE MUST BE A STONER
RIDES A PT CRUISER
GOD, HE'S SUCH A LOSER!
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF!...
WELL ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS MY NAME AWESOME PARTY I'M SO GLAD I CAME
The lights dim. Nino’s solo was given a standing ovation and a few tears from the audience