Be More Chill Part 1
Nathaniel:
C-C-C-C-C-CMON, JEREMY, CAN’T YOU SEE?
YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM IS OUTDATED
Nathaniel places his hands on Marc’s waist as he begins to sing
Marc:
COME ON BOO, YOU KNOW THAT YOU
MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NAUSEATED
HEY, WE’VE ARRIVED NOW, THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nathaniel:
BAE, WE’VE ARRIVED, WOW
WON’T BE LONG UNTIL
YOU WI-I-I-I-I-I-ILL...
Nathaniel/Marc:
BE MORE CHILL
Marc:
TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS
ARCH YOUR BACK, PUFF OUT YOUR CHEST
Adrien follows his instructions
Nathaniel:
ADD SOME SWAGGER TO YOUR GATE OR
YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A MASTURBATOR
FIX YOUR POSTURE, THEN THE REST
Adrien: But I am a masturbator.
Nathaniel: We'll fix that.
ALL YOUR NERDINESS IS UGLY
Adrien: Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek—
Nathaniel:
ALL YOUR STAMMERING'S A CHORE
Adrien: Wh-wh-what?
Marc:
YOUR TICS AND FIDGETS ARE PERSISTENT AND YOUR CHARM IS NON-EXISTENT
FIX YOUR VIBE, THEN FIX SOME MORE
They catch Adrien trying to stick his hands in his pockets
Nathaniel: BUH!
Adrien: WHA?
Marc: NUH!
Adrien: WHA?
Nathaniel: NO!
Adrien: AAH!
Marc: STOP!
Adrien: UHH!
Marc: OH, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE
WHOA, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES US WANNA DIE!
Adrien: Jesus Christ!
Nathaniel: SO DON'T FREAK OUT AND DON'T RESIST
Nathaniel twirls Marc and catches him with a dip
Nathaniel/Marc: AND HAVE NO DOUBT
IF WE ASSIST
YOU WI-I-I-I-I-I-ILL
BE MORE CHILL
Adrien starts to slouch – and suddenly twitches as an electric shock sound effect is heard.
Adrien: Ow! Did you just...shock me?
Nathaniel: Spinal stimulation. You were slouching.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, GO BUY A NEW SHIRT
Adrien: What's wrong with my—
Nathaniel:
IT'S BETTER IF YOU JUST COMPLY
OUR JOB'S TO COLOR YOUR AESTHETIC
AND MAKE YOU SEEM MUCH LESS PATHETIC JUST STEP AND FETCH, DON'T ASK US WHY
The stagehands push clothing racks onto the stage. Marc sorts through a rack and smirks
Marc: Pick this one.
Adrien: It has a picture of Eminem.
Marc: If you're so astute, what do you need us for?
Adrien: Do people still listen to Eminem?
Marc: Irrelevant. Our quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well.
Adrien: What if someone quizzes me about his music?
Nathaniel: Our database is infinite and instantaneous. In other words: We know everything!
Adrien: How are you with math homework?
Nathaniel: We’re super-computers, Jeremy. We’re made of math!
A chorus of shoppers walks by Adrien, Nathaniel, and Marc
Nathaniel:
OH, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE
Shoppers:
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!
Marc:
WHOA, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES US WANNA DIE
Shoppers:
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU SUCKS!
Nathaniel/Marc: ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE MALL THINK YOU'RE SUCH A SLOB
Shoppers: YOU'RE A SLOB!
TERRIBLE!
SUCH A SLOB!
Marc:
AND BOY, CAN I SEE WHY!
Now you try picking a shirt.
Adrien picks out a pink shirt. Nathaniel facepalms
Nathaniel: That's a girl's shirt.
Adrien goes to put it back...and bumps into Aurore, shopping with Myléne
Adrien: Sorry...
Nathaniel pokes his neck
Adrien: OW!
Nathaniel: Posture.
Aurore: Jerry?
Adrien: Jeremy.
Aurore: You shop here?
Adrien: Oh yeah, all the time—
Nathaniel: Never.
Adrien: Never. Is what I meant to...
Nathaniel: Greet the beta.
Adrien: The...? Oh. Hey Brooke.
Nathaniel: "You look sexy."
Adrien: I can't say that to a hot girl!
Nathaniel: Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death.
Adrien folds his arms and stares at Myléne
Adrien: Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke.
Myléne: Thanks.
Aurore raises an eyebrow and points to the shirt Adrien is holding
Aurore: Is that a girl's shirt?
Adrien: No.
Marc: Yes.
Adrien: Yes.
Marc: Repeat after me—.
I SAW IT IN THE WINDOW AND I COULDN'T DISMISS
Adrien:
I SAW IT IN THE WINDOW AND I COULDN'T DISMISS
Marc:
I WAS DATING A GIRL AND SHE HAD A SHIRT JUST LIKE THIS
Adrien:
I WAS DATING A GIRL AND SHE HAD A SHIRT JUST LIKE THIS
Marc:
IT'S STILL PAINFUL
Adrien:
IT'S STILL PAINFUL
Aurore: So who was this mystery girl?
Adrien: Uh, you've probably never heard of her—
Marc:
MADELINE.
Adrien:
MADELINE.
Aurore: What?!
Adrien:
SHE'S AMERICAN!
Aurore: Ugh! She is NOT AMERICAN! She just pretends to be, for attention!
Myléne: Madeline broke up with you?
Adrien: Yeah...
Marc: No.
Adrien: I mean—
Marc:
I BROKE UP WITH HER
Adrien:
I BROKE UP WITH HER
Marc:
CUZ SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME!
Adrien puts a hand to his forehead dramatically
Adrien:
SHE WAS CHEATING ON MEEEEEE!...
Nathaniel: Hey Hamlet, BE MORE CHILL.
Aurore and Mylène rant about Madeline
Aurore: What did I tell you? She is such a bitch!
Myléne: You are so much better off without her, Jeremy.
Aurore: Obviously! I mean, who does Madeline think she is?
As Aurore launches into a rant, Adrien speaks to Nathaniel and Marc.
Adrien: What just happened?
Nathaniel: A shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you...hate who they hate.
Aurore: Ugh, let's get out of here.