The SQUIP Song
The scene changes to a unisex bathroom. Adrien is trying to wash the letters off his backpack in a prop sink when Alix walks in and frowns
Alix: I told you not to wash that off!
Adrien busies himself with his backpack
Adrien: Where's my homework?
Alix: I'm talking to you, tall-ass!
Adrien: Why do you keep calling me that? I'm not even that tall!
Adrien heads to a stall
Alix: You could be, if you weren't hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing more pathetic is the way you're sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.
Adrien was trying to do just that. He stops, busted
Alix: Stalls are for wusses. You a wuss, Jeremy?
She walks over to a prop urinal. A zipping sound is heard, making Adrien turn away
Adrien: How can you talk to people while you're... Y'know.
Alix: Confidence!
Adrien: You’re don’t even... You might wanna...watch the seat...
Alix freezes and twitches
Adrien: … Um… I don’t think I have to use the bathroom anymore, I’ll just-
Alix: Don't move!
Alix zips up. Then turns to face Adrien. Menacing
Alix: You don't remember me freshman year, do you?
Adrien: You didn't go here freshman year—
Alix punches the wall
Alix: YES I DID! You just didn't notice!... Nobody did…
FRESHMAN YEAR!
DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR A CLUE GOOD TIMES WOULD ONLY
SOAR BY
I WAS WEIRD
AS EVERY MALE WOULD ATTEST
MY KISSING WAS A FUTILE QUEST
I WAS ALWAYS SO DEPRESSED
I WAS SO LONELY
POOR GIRL
I WAS HOPELESS, HOPELESS
I WAS HELPLESS, HELPLESS
EVERY TIME I'D WALK THE HALLWAY I WOULD TRIP
I WAS STAGNANT AND IDLE
I WAS SO SUICIDAL AND THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN I GOT A SQUIP!
She poses. Adrien looks confused.
Adrien: You got quick?
Alix: Not quick. Squip.
Adrien: I've just never heard of it before.
Alix: That's the point! This is some top-secret-can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit...
IT'S FROM JAPAN
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO...
Adrien: What? That's not even possible.
Alix shoves Adrien against a wall—
Alix: Shut up tall-ass!
She realizes what she's doing and lets him go
Alix: Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it 'cause my squip said I had to. But now it's saying you're not a bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. 'Course, if you're not interested...
Adrien: So it's like... Drugs?
Alix: It's better than drugs, Jeremy...
IT'S FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
She does the rock and roll slide across the stage. Students dressed in black clothing and sunglasses appear and sing backup
Alix:
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO
IT'S PRE-PROGRAMMED
IT'S AMAZING
SPEAKS TO YOU DIRECTLY
YOU BEHAVE AS
IT'S APPRAISING
HELPS YOU ACT CORRECTLY
HELPS YOU TO BE COOL
HELPS YOU RULE
PICTURE THIS
NOBODY CARES IF YOU ARE LATE
CUZ EVEN TEACHERS THINK YOU'RE GREAT YOUR WEEKEND'S JUST A FULL-ON SLATE
OF BLOWOUT BENDERS
OF TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE HELPLESS, HELPLESS
YOU ARE ALMOST HOPELESS
ON THE SCHOOL SOCIAL MAP YOU'RE JUST A BLIP
BUT IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND IF YOU
PAY THE LISTED PRICE, WELL THEN YOU
GO FROM SAD TO INTERESTING TO HIP
YEAH, YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL FLIP
YEAH, WHEN YOU BUY A SQUIP!
Alix: I got a hook-up, this goth chick works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It's six hundred
Adrien: Dollars?!
Alix: It's worth it. Bring the money on Monday. You'll see.
Alix starts to exit
Adrien: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Alix: Aw, man, Adrien. You know what you need?
A SQUIP!
A SQUIP!
A SQUIIIIIIIIP!
NO LONGER A DRIP
WHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIP
A SQUIP!
A SQUIP!
A SQUIIIIIIIIP!
Alix exits the bathroom, leaving Adrien alone as the stage lights dim then return moments later to reveal that the scene has changed to a bedroom. Adrien sits on his bed, deep in thought
Adrien:
IT'S FROM JAPAN
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH MY BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN MY BRAIN AND IT TELLS ME WHAT TO DO
IT HELPS ME TO BE COOL
IT HELPS ME RULE!...