On And On
“what does S.H.I.E.L.D. mean to you, Maria?”
Maria doesn’t startle at hearing Fury’s voice behind her. she doesn’t even turn around, instead focusing on the punching bag in front of her. hell, she doesn’t even pay attention to her completely torn up, bleeding knuckles that sting with every punch she throws.
play until my fingers hurt
write until i find the words
she can see her boss leaning against the doorframe from the corner of her eye. Fury waits patiently for her to answer, knowing she heard his question. he watches as she tears the punching bag apart, not stupid enough to try and stop her.
finally, Maria stops and rests her forehead against the punching back. “my answer hasn’t changed since that one night seven years ago, sir.”
he nods and leaves her alone, knowing there isn’t anything else he can do.
she focuses on her breathing, hearing herself pant and feeling the sting in her side.
you’re slacking, Hill, she tells herself.
snippets of last night’s conversation come back to her, and even though her memories are all vague and faded, she can hear Natasha’s raised voice clearly, telling her to shut up. tears threat to cloud her eyes as she turns to grab her water bottle and towel.
so much that i wanna say
before the moment slips away
she leaves the gym and returns to her empty apartment, even though she doesn’t want to. it still feels weird, having all the space for herself. it’s quiet in the apartment, too quiet for Maria to like it. Natasha has picked up her stuff already, and suddenly it feels overwhelmingly empty.
no hoarse voice echoing through the hallway, singing a cheesy 80’s song, no pairs of fuzzy socks lying in random spots, no oversized sweaters on the ground, literally 1 feet away from the laundry basket.
no more lazy movie nights after ops, no more unexpected trips to Paris or Rome, no more laughing at America’s Funniest Home Videos when it comes on.
so hard to find this place
so hard to catch this chase
she jumps in the shower and turns it on without waiting for the water to warm up, this is instantly regretted when she’s met with a blast of icy cold water. shivering, she turns the showerhead to the wall, but the water ricochets and hits her after all. she quickly steps out of the cabin and waits a bit before feeling with her toe.
the warm water washes away the swear and a single tear trickling down her cheek. she notices the absence of Natasha’s red lily and cinnamon shower foam. Maria used to steal just a little bit of it every time she showered just because it smelled like Natasha.
now that you fell into me
hit me like a melody
Maria softly hums the melody of a song she can barely remember. it stashed in her head as Nat’s favorite song, but when she heard it for the first time she had to laugh about how bad it was and had sworn she’d never put it on ever again. Nat had teased her with singing it for months after, sure, but those memories had somehow faded now that she was gone.
the water makes the wounds on her knuckles sting and washes the blood away.
everybody says that nothing ever lasts forever
so i’m hanging on tight trying to keep it all tied together
maybe she should’ve known it couldn’t last. maybe she should’ve known that both the ex-military commander of S.H.I.E.L.D. and world’s most infamous Russian superspy weren’t made to love, that they where made for a bigger purpose then love. but this is the way it went down. and she can’t do anything about it. lesson learned.
hold me like a photograph
fragile like a piece of glass
she can recall all of the lazy sundays they had spent together in bed.
maybe it was time to move on. someone like her couldn’t be sad about something for too long, she had a intelligence agency to run. she had all the means to move on, a job, a purpose, people who needed her. her life wasn’t fallen apart, was it?
she didn’t know, but she’d figure it out.
the future’s headed for the past
full of sparks that couldn’t last