
What Hurts The Most
It's the time of the year when children run around the village wearing someone or something they want to be asking for treats. It's the time of the year when some adults enjoy pretending someone they are not. A day full of surprises, fun, and sweets. It's the case for most people but not in the hospital.
"Good morning, doctors."
Everyone turns their heads around to look at the three doctors standing at the doorway of their locker room.
"It's holiday today," Bill says.
"Our favorite time of the year," Jess adds and Eve rolls her eyes at the sarcasm in her voice.
"You should all be ready in less than five minutes. It will be a very hard and peculiar day. People wear costumes with fake blood on it or fake skin that looks like a real wound. Don't be fooled, use this as an opportunity to learn and rise above the standard. You've been practicing medicine for months now. Show us what you've learned and most of all, let's help people to the best of our abilities," Eve says and just after she finished talking.
-- Beep. Beep. Beep. the sound of their pagers buzzing field the room. 911. ER
Eve along with the other doctors head towards the emergency room. Eve, Jess, and Bill leading the pack as fast as they can.
They are suiting up one another: gloves on and tying each other's body covering.
"It's only 8:00 in the morning and we are all paged to the ER," Eve says while Jess tying her body covering. It's not that she's surprised, but simultaneously being paged to the ER is not a very good sign.
"Yes, it's not a very good sign. All hands on deck."
"These people really need to chill out and need to draw the line between fun and dangerous. The cases are increasing every ye--"
"There's a mass shooting during a Halloween event in Hyde Park, several people were shot. The shooter's still missing. Follow the lead of your attendings and please refrain from showing unnecessary reactions with your patients. I know it's Halloween but patients are scared enough already from the situation they are in. Show them they can trust you with their life," Dr. Kepner informs everyone. She's the head of trauma. She's a cheerful person but not when it comes to serious situations like this. Eve likes her for being notorious, reliable, and organize during an emergency. They start to hear the sirens from afar and quickly rushes towards the emergency bay. Attending at the front, interns at the back. The ambulance came one after another. GSW in the limbs, chest, and head. There are injuries from the stampede as well. Eve, Elena, Hugo, and Kenny are in Trauma room 1 treating a patient with a GSW to the chest. Blood is all over them as they try to assess the patient and keeping him alive through CPR until he flatlined 10 mins ago.
"1,2,3...1,2,3.... Come on, breath!" Eve shouts as she tries her best to recover her patient.
The door opened and Dr. Kepner saw the situation. The patient coded 20 mins ago. There's no way he'll be back but sometimes even the senior doctors can't stop trying especially when a patient is a young man around 20s. That's the thing about trauma though, it happens fast, and every decision is crucial. Patients come in with no chance at all but doctors always give their best. Sometimes, doctors have to let go at some point to help other patients with a better chance of surviving.
"Doctors, go to the pit and help other patients there as much as you can," Dr. Kepner instructs the interns.
"But Dr. Park is still trying and we're not leaving her," Elena replies as she continues to plug the hole in the man's chest to stop the bleeding to which she is clearly failing. The patient lost a lot of blood by now.
"Do what I say, now," Dr. Kepner insists. She looks dead serious that made Elena and others follow her automatically. Meanwhile, Eve doesn't stop from giving the young man CPR, pumping his chest for almost 30 mins. She doesn't even notice the interns were gone.
"Dr. Park, you need to call it,"
Eve didn't hear her or chose to ignore her.
April holds her hands, stopping her from pumping his chest. Eve is suddenly taken back the reality by her friend.
"No, we have to save him. He's so young, for god's sake," She replies and tries to continue even though her friend is physically stopping her.
"Eve"
She looks at her in the eyes and they both know it. She has to let go.
"Damn it, April. Time of death, 9:45 am." Eve says as she gets down from the hospital bed she's on. April understands her frustration but she has to keep her focus. That's what makes her an exceptional trauma surgeon.
beep. beep. beep.
They are both paged at the bay. In this kind of situation, it's an unspoken rule to delegate the senior doctors and interns for each patient. So, when two senior doctors are paged for a single patient, it's a definitely critical case. They run towards the bay (even though it's not advised to run around the hospital but this is not an ordinary day so whatever).
An ambulance arrives as soon as they reach the bay.
If Eve's heart is racing at 130 bpm because of the adrenaline and running, then she is definitely having a mini heart attack right now as she feels her heart stop for several seconds because of the patient being pulled out of the van.
"27 years old. GSW in the head. Unconscious for about 13 mins now. No exit wound," the responder informs both of them. She can't hear her though. She's solely focused on the blonde woman in front of her. The patient's head is wrapped and blood covers her face. Swelling of the face is also evident making it hard to identify the woman immediately.
April starts to push the gurney carefully while assessing the patient's injury. Eve follows her lead and can feel her body moves instinctively after being in this kind of situation several times. It's different this time though, her body moves but her mind is not with her.
"No, it's not her. It can't be. No. No. Eve thinks. April is saying something but Eve can't hear her. They enter the elevator and April snaps her out of her head.
"Eve! Calm down. What's wrong? Do you know her?"
If Eve is saying out loud her thoughts as she pushed the gurney, she didn't know. If she constantly saying "no" while shaking her head, April ignored her until she has the opportunity to ask. She needs her doctors' head on the game and Eve is not usually like this. She needs her.
"What's her name? Do you know her name?" Eve raises her voice at the responder. Panic, fear, and worry are eating her inside-out.
"Melanie Stewart, Doc. We found an ID in her belongings."
Eve exhales a breath she didn't know she's holding back. She leans her back on the elevator's wall to rest her head. Eve is trying to normalize her breathing because she feels close to breaking down.
"Are you okay, Eve? I'm asking you a while ago if you want us to take her to CT first before heading to the OR."
"No, she lost a lot of blood. Call for a portable CT scan while we prepare her for surgery. We can't afford to lose so much time."
Eve and the team finished the surgery around 3:00 pm. She was so tired like her soul left her body after being told that it's not Villanelle, working like she's a robot. She doesn't know why her mind jumps to the possibility of it. The thought makes her want to puke her guts out. She needed to take a minute so she goes to the back of the hospital right after the surgery without even bother changing her scrubs soaked with blood and dirt (She scrubbed and washed her face after the surgery, she's not an animal.)
She's sitting on a bench in the abandoned parking lot. No one's going to see her here anyways. People only park here if the hospital is fully packed, it's a place she goes to every time she needed a breath of fresh air. She needs to let herself process what happened. She can't mess up again like earlier today every time a blonde woman around 25-30 years old being pulled out of an ambulance. She hasn't decided yet on what to do with what she feels towards her even after spending most nights thinking "How did this happen? How did I even not notice it? What the fuck am I gonna do now? Maybe she don't even want to see me after I avoided her. I'm so fucked up." and how she feels every time she remembered the young woman from the little thing she knows she'll like. It made her heart hurts not being able to even communicate with her because she's an idiot who disregarded a good friendship when fear starts to creep in her mind that she just decided to stay away.
She puts her hand to her face leaning down on her knees. "What an idiot you are. She's probably having a hard time right now dealing with the memories she's starting to remember again." Eve checks her chart from time to time and she saw that the recent diagnosis with her is psychogenic amnesia. It's the kind of amnesia where the memories are repressed or forgotten due to being intense and emotionally-charged. Experiences and memories can still be recovered after working through the trauma and Villanelle never miss an appointment with her therapist. Eve is not crossing any boundary because Villanelle was her patient and it's legal to check her chart since she's the head doctor in her case. However, their paths haven't cross around the hospital. So when Eve slowly lifts her head up and her brown eyes meet the hazel ones; she's sure the universe is playing tricks with her.
Villanelle is with Irina by her side walking towards her or maybe the door to the hospital behind her. She's not sure. She doesn't know what to do or say but she wants to ask her how she's doing. She gained a little weight that makes her look healthier than before. She's wearing a brown silk button-down tucked under plain blank pants, sleeves were folded up until the elbows, and a plain black but looks like a designer's derby shoes. She's still walking towards Eve but her face won't give any hints away of what she feels towards seeing Eve. Just when Eve stands and takes one step towards her--- "Eve, we need you in OR 2!"
Eve gives her a weak smile but she curses at the the universe as she runs towards Kenny. She finally knows she wanted to at least befriend her again. The blonde gives her a small smile and nodded to her before she ran away. She knew it will be hard explaining to her what happened or why did she suddenly avoid her but she'll do whatever she can to be around her again. It doesn't mean she's not afraid anymore though, she's terrified as hell but it's enough for now.
Several hours later, a very tiring day comes to an end. Bill, Elena, and Eve are in the bar across the hospital. Eve is with them but not totally with them. She's staring at her now label-less beer.
"Okay, what is it?" Bill asks.
"Sorry, what?" She replies.
"You're staring at your beer for straight five minutes. We are all tired but your not your usual self. What's wrong?" Jess informs her.
"Oh, it's nothing," she waves her hand dismissively.
"Is it about a certain blonde you saw from awhile ago in the parking lot?" Jess has her suspicions after Kenny told her she found Eve at the parking lot. "I heard you looked like shit when she saw you, Eve. You could have changed your scrubs before going out!" She teases Eve a little because she knew Eve will not open up if she feels so tense about it. "How did you know?" "Kenny talks to us, you know." "Eve," Bill says as he takes her hand and covers it with his on the table. He looks straight into his best friend's eyes and he can see that she is in a bad place. Eve just looks at him like she's telling him something telepathically. Hoping he understands her without needing to explain herself. They saw Eve like this before and it's not usually a good thing. Twice to be certain. One of them was when her father died of cancer. Eve is like a rock most of the time, everyone can count on her and lean on her whenever they need to. Bill knew it's one of the moments when Eve needs them.
"It is about her, right? you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Just remember we are here for you and it will not happen again. Give yourself a chance, Evie. You deserve it."
Eve looks like she's going to cry right there and then. Bill understands her and she knows they know where is she coming from having to witness her in the past themselves. "Bill---"
Ring. Ring. Ring Eve's phone is ringing in her pocket interupting their conversation. However, when she takes it out and see the caller ID, her heart starts racing again. She takes it in front of her friends. She doesn't even bother to excuse herself because she needs to answer the phone right away. "Konstantin. Is there something wrong?" "Eve, can you come at our house? Villanelle locked herself in her room and she won't talk to us. She remembered about her mom, Eve. She's mad at me and Irina. We don't know what to do, please." She quickly told her friends "Villanelle needs me." and they understood without another word. Bill just asked her if she can drive safely but then Jess answered for her that Eve doesn't even finish her first bottle. Eve is being led by Irina towards Villanelle's room. Konstantin is outside her door. If Eve broke traffic rules just to be there 20 minutes after the call ended, she doesn't care. For once, fuck the rules. Also, she put up her "Doctor's on call" sign so she won't be charge about anything. Villanelle is technically still her patient. Not on this matter though. "She's still a patient. I'm not abusing my privillage."
Konstantin left her to give her a chance to talk to Villanelle.
knock. knock. knock.
"Go away! My mother died and you took away the chance for me to grieve her the moment I woke up," she's sobbing and Eve's heart broke into million pieces hearing her like this.
"It's me, Eve."
After several minutes, Eve is patiently waiting at her door. She'll stand there for as long as she needs until she opens her door for her or if she'll tell her to go away while looking to her eyes like she means it. For now, she'll wait. She can hear her breathing heavily on the other side of the door.
She slowly opens the door and Eve can see how broken she is. It makes her want to protect her with all that she can. She wants to hold her and make all the pain go away. She wants to engulf her in her arms and keep her away from the world. Be her human shield. But no, she'll patiently wait for her to ask her to come in or say anything. She will do whatever the blonde will ask of her.
"Why are you here? Are you playing doctor again, acting as a friend but avoiding me afterwards? Leaving, lying, and pretending as everyone does?" She's trembling as she asks Eve. No more tears left to cry but her eyes are swollen and her cheeks are so red. Eve is lying if she says that the words don't hurt her but it's the truth.
"Okay, I deserved it." She thinks.
"I have no valid reason to pretend that I didn't avoid you but I hope you still give me a chance to explain it to you someday. No, I won't do it again. Please let me help you, whatever you need."
"Whatever," Villanelle says and left her door open for Eve to come in. She lies on her bed facing away from Eve and she sits down at the chair beside the bed.
Eve can see the blonde trembling and hear her little sobs to full-blown crying.
Every fear and doubt she has quickly disappeared out of her mind. She cannot walk away from the blonde, not anymore. It's something she thought she can do but the magnetic field pulling her towards Villanelle is too strong; she doesn't want to resist it this time. No more one step forward and two steps back. No more games. Eve decided from this moment on, she'll be here for the Villanelle. She decided she will do everything for the blonde to let her in again. She will accept it with just being a friend or more. For now, she just wants to focus on her. If she'll break her heart, then Eve will gladly give it to her. It doesn't even feel like hers these days anyway.
"V, can I hold you?"
"Will you do it again?"
"No. I'm deeply sorry. I know it's not one of your concerns right now, we don't have to talk about it. I'm not going anywhere, V. Not anymore."
"Okay."
She's still shaking from head to toe. Eve takes off her coat and shoes then approaches the bed. She slides behind Villanelle and slowly put her arms around the blonde.
"I'm sorry for your loss," she whispers as she put her chin on her shoulder. Eve will not try to play doctor, she's not a psychologist.
Villanelle starts weeping again in her arms and she holds her closer and tighter hoping the contact will take away even the slightest pain from the blonde and transfer it to Eve instead. She begs for the universe to make it stop. Villanelle suffered enough.
After several minutes and no more literal tears to cry. Villanelle feels that she's about to fall asleep. An escape. If Eve's arm helped her to feel \warmer and calmer than before, she won't tell her. Instead, she'll ask.
"Will you stay?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Yes."
"Then, I'm staying."
Eve holds her closer to her chest and she can feel the blonde is slowly falling asleep as her breathing starts to slow down. Villanelle reaches for her right hand and holds it to her chest. After several minutes, Eve is certain that she's asleep.
"I'm really sorry, V. I'll try my best not to hurt you ever again.”