Home

As they walk out the door of the hospital to the parking area, there are fans waiting for them outside. Cameras start flashing from different directions and people start calling out her name; eager to ask questions.

“What the actual fuck is this!?” Konstantin shouts angrily at their bodyguards. He made sure the public will not know about her daughter’s current condition. Yes, they all saw the news about the accident but they were discreet as possible after that.

“Villanelle! Are you okay?” One of them shouts at her. She politely smiles at them but stays back as their bodyguards cover them. Hands deep in her ripped jeans, leather jacket on, and black sunglasses on her eyes as she observes the crowd around her. “We missed you! We hope to see you on the screen soon,” another one adds.

They are patiently waiting for their driver to pick them up. Konstantin just hopes no one will say anything that will jeopardize her healing process. The car arrives and as she about to get in, “I hope Nadia takes good care of you!” Nadia who? She tries to look for the person behind the voice but she can’t find it.

“Villanelle, let’s go,” Konstantin says impatiently and she quickly gets inside the car. “Are you okay?” he adds.

“Yes, just a little tired is all,” she says and looks out the window. Her mind starts to run as fast as the scenery around them fades one after another. Who the hell is Nadia? If she really cares about me, why didn’t she come for me at the hospital? She thinks. She knows that her father and sister won’t tell her anything even if she asks, so she won’t.

After several hours, Villanelle is back in her room in their family house. She only stays here once in a while but they kept it the way she left it. A place she can always come back to. Konstantin and Irina finally give her time alone after treating her like she’s a guest in their own house. She’s grateful for them but she’s really fucking exhausted.

When people feel so much pain, it’s so easy to say “I wish I could just forget about it”. As if forgetting is a magical potion that will take it all away. An instant solution. A restart. Well, Villanelle can totally disagree with them. People should be really careful what they wish for. She thinks.

She’s lying on her bed staring into the abyss. She doesn’t have time to think and process her feelings during her stay in the hospital. She’s always dozed off just before her thoughts start to creep in her mind. Well, pain killers will do that to anyone. Not to mention, she worked hard regaining some strength that it exhausted her most of the time. Now, it’s hitting her hard. This is what people don’t know. Forgetting the source of pain doesn’t mean the absence of pain. It’s more painful because this time she doesn’t know where it is all coming from. This time, the pain consumes every part of her. There’s a void in her chest like a black hole in the universe: dead, endless, and unknown.

With her wide eyes open, tears start falling down on her face. She lets it happen this time. She can pretend for others that she’s okay (She’s an award-winning actress, thank you.), but not with herself. Whatever the things she can’t remember, she has to move on with life. There’s not much she can do about it. But no, of course not. Villanelle always has to be in control, she likes knowing things for certain. So, she gets up, washes her face, and starts to look at things she has in her room. Maybe I can find clues in here. Maybe I’ll start with finding out who Nadia is.

After minutes of exploring her room, she found the things she refused to take with her to her own place. These are the things she doesn’t want to remember all the time but wants to know at the back of her mind that it’s still there. She saw pictures from her childhood, family gatherings, friends, and some with her fans. She saw gifts from her fans like stuff toys and artworks. It really fascinates her how dedicated these people are. She’s out of the business for almost two years yet they are still around her like earlier this day. They still support her even though she let them down for leaving the industry. Maybe I should come back. For them. She feels a pang in her chest at the thought. She can’t remember why she left the industry and she misses it; there’s a fire inside her waiting to engulf her if she decides to open. It’s the unwavering passion she has for acting.

As she returns the stuff, she notices a black box kept in the corner of her storage cabinet. It’s average in size but it looks strange and she can’t remember what’s inside. She takes it with her and slowly opens it when she reached her bedroom carpet. There, in front of her, are polaroids of a woman with her. She inspects each polaroid and by the looks of it, they clearly loved each other. There are random photos of herself who she assumed taken by the woman. It’s like she captured Villanelle the way she saw her through her eyes. Her head starts pounding like never before but she can’t stop. She wants to know more, so, she continues picking up polaroids, cinema tickets, letters, and a little red box at the end of it all. She knows what’s inside but her head feels like a bulldozer is trying to crush each and every memory she’s trying to remember. She can’t make sense of anything of it. Frustration creeps in and she wants to take out her brain through her eyes. She hates how much power it has over her. What? It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense right now. She left the mess on the floor, climbs up her bed, and pull the blankets over her. Tears start falling again, heavy and seem like non-stop until she finally falls asleep.

It’s been a month and the scenario plays in her mind in slow motion; non-stop like a film reel without its operator to make it stop. She doesn’t know when, how, or why but she keeps on reminiscing each and every moment with her. Just like old times, Eve spent every minute of everyday operating, researching, teaching, and sleeping countless times in the on-call room. Just to keep her occupied away from the world where she is anyone except Dr. Park.

Eve knows it very well that she can’t hide from reality forever just like every marathon has always come to an end. So, she’s out and about during this wonderful evening with her beautiful friend. Eve and Celestine are having their usual date in a new Italian restaurant.

“How are you, Eve? I thought you already forgot about me,” Celestine teases while touching the rim of her wine glass, looking straight into her eyes and the corner of her bloody red lips turning upwards a little.

She gulps an enormous amount of wine, enjoying the heat traveling in her throat. She puts the glass down. “I’m fine. You know—”

“ hospital stuff? I don’t think so, Evie,” She continues for her. “Hospital stuff doesn’t stop you from meeting me once in a while. At least not before, I’m starting to think you’re meeting with someone else,” She raises an eyebrow at her.

“What? No, you know you’re the first one to know when that happens or if will it ever happen, “she says defensively. She sounds like she’s trying to convince herself more than the woman in front of her.

“I know. So, what‘s wrong? You know we can see each other even without the after of this,” she points to the air between them. “I’m still your friend. You can tell me what’s wrong. I just hope you don’t dodge my calls, it’s rude,” she rolls her eyes just to emphasize her point and reaches for her right hand; Eve shivers at the familiar touch. “I’ve missed you, Eve. I mean, not just the sex. I miss talking to you.”

“I’m sorry about the calls. I didn’t mean to ignore it. I miss you too. Thank you for coming tonight,” Eve says while caressing the other woman’s hand.

The food arrived and they started eating while catching up in between. Celestine is telling her about her recent vacation in Amsterdam when everyone starts to disappear in a blur and all she can see is the woman across her. She stares at her red lips, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear, her hazel eyes that glows when she smiles about what she’s talking about, and the way her eyebrows met at the middle when she’s talking about the little things that disgust her…wait, she might be staring at Celestine but all she can remember is her vivid memories of Villanelle. She remembers how Villanelle laughs at her when she something silly, the way she can read her mood without her saying anything, the way she grins when she gets what she wants, and the way she perks up when she’s about to eat her food. She doesn’t even know she memorized the blonde’s face and her simple ways until now; it makes her heart hurts.

“Is there something wrong with my face, Eve?” She asks, pulling Eve out of her fantasy.

Eve jerks like her soul just came back from the days where she enjoyed silently eating lunch with Villanelle in her suite room. “Oh. Sorry, what?”

“I asked if there’s something wrong with my face because you haven’t look away or reacted to anything that I say for a couple of minutes now. Never mind.” She waves her hand dismissively. “Are you sure you’re okay? I can take you home after dessert. We don’t have to go to the hotel.” She adds while trying to muster a smile even though Eve can see a hint of disappointment in her eyes.

“No, Celest. Sorry, I’m just tired and lost myself for a moment there. I’ve missed you, you know,” She apologizes and she brushes her right foot to Celestine’s under the table; trying to save the mood she clearly ruined for both of them.

Celestine cannot resist Eve, no matter how hard she tried. Hell, maybe that’s why she’s still seeing Eve even after she rejected her when things start to get real between them. She settled for what she can give to her, sex and friendship. Apparently, Eve is not yet ready for anything serious at the time. After years, Celestine realized Eve will never be ready for her. So, she accepted her fate but as long as Eve doesn’t found her one yet, she’ll be here for her.

She immediately asks for the bill and their coats. She grabs Eve’s hand and holds her in her waist, assisting her because Eve looks like she won’t be able to take three steps without ruining other customers ’ dinner.

“Thank you, Celestine,” Eve whispers in her ear as she leans her head into her shoulders.

As they head towards the exit, a beautiful blonde woman that looks like from a fashion magazine bumps into them. Eve is about to get mad for the woman being so careless but when she lifts her face up to look at her, beautiful hazel eyes meet hers that she’s grown familiar with.

“Oh, sorry,” Villanelle apologizes to Celestine then looks at Eve.

“It’s fine,” Celestine answers and holds Eve closer to her.

“Dr. Park, nice seeing you again. Are you okay?” She asks with a smug on her face but her eyes show a hit of concern.

“Yes. I’m fine. It’s nice to see you too,” She mumbles.

“Eve! You look lovely tonight!” They turn their head from where the voice is coming from and she recognizes Irina with Konstantin a few feet away from their table from a while ago. She waves her hand and reply, “Hi, nice to see you around. We need to go now. Take care, guys!” She can feel Villanelle’s gaze at her and Celestine holding her closer than necessary.

She places her hand at Celestine’s waist and whispers, “Time to go.”

She can't remember what happened. When she wakes up, Celestine is staring at her face like what she did awhile ago.

“Hi, are we in the hotel yet? I’m sorry I fell asleep,” Eve says. She's sitting at the other woman's passenger seat like it belongs to her alone.

“No, we’re at your house,” she genuinely smiles at her but there a pool of water forming at her eyes.

Eve cups her face and looks her in the eyes, “What’s wrong? Did I do something stupid?”

She shakes her head and tears fall down on her cheeks. Eve wipes it away with her thumb. “You found her, right?”

“What?”

She takes Eve’s hand from her face and covers it with hers. “The blonde at the restaurant. You know her right? I think you know what I’m talking about, Evie. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself so you just hid behind your white coat and worked your ass off for a month. I saw the way you look at her and I felt the way your body tensed just to be around her. I saw the way she looked at you, Eve. I think she feels the same way.”

“What are you talking about?” Eve is trying to play it dumb.

“You’re not dense as you thought you are. You’re a brilliant surgeon, you know what I’m talking about. I’m happy you found her. I just hope you overcome whatever is holding you back. You deserve all the love in this world, Evie.”

Eve doesn’t know what to say so she hugs her. After a few minutes, Celestine pulls away a few inches, far enough to see her face and close enough to feel her breath. She cups Eve’s face and smile.

“I think it’s time for me to go. Call me if you need a friend but not too soon, okay? I’ll probably disappear for a while,” She laughs lightly, “You take care of yourself, Eve. Promise me you’ll give yourself a chance to fall in love again. Okay?”

Eve nods and closes the distance between them. A goodbye kiss for so many nights they shared together and for always being there for each other.

“You too, okay?” Celestine nods and she genuinely smiles at her. She gets out of the car and goes straight to her bed without even changing. She buries her face in her pillows and she growls as loud as she can.

She doesn’t quite understand her friend but she trusts her. Maybe Villanelle meant something to her, she just doesn’t realize it yet. Maybe that is why she is not in the mood for a while now. Celestine knows her from inside-out and she loves her even when the moments she can’t love herself. She takes care of her and so is she. They gave each other’s needs whatever it might be. They become each other’s companion, lover, friend, and everything in between. It’s just that, it’s all that it is. Nothing more and nothing less. For a while, it’s enough for both of them. All the things you can ask for in a relationship without the burden of being in a relationship. However, they knew it from the very start that whatever they have will come to an end. It’s the end. It’s the truth she’s been hiding for a while now, she felt something for the blonde she doesn’t felt for a very long time. A feeling she’s been so terrified to have but she can’t do anything to stop it. It’s like there’s a red thread pulling her towards the blonde that she does not any have control with. She hates losing control. She hates it when her mind plays the memories with her and she hates the way her heart hurts when she passed by the Korean restaurant Villanelle ordered in at some point; she’s falling for her. Too much, too fast, head first, and she cannot do anything about it.

“ Fuck. My head hurts. What am I? A teenager?”

Eve is an extraordinary woman, a fearless doctor, a thoughtful daughter, a devoted teacher, and a good friend. But Eve…. Eve is afraid of one thing. She’s afraid of feelings she can’t control. Isn’t everyone is? The feeling can fuck people up from inside-out, it can make someone reckless, and it can break her heart.