Recovery

Y/N and Wanda were curled up in Wanda`s bed, under the comforters and blankets as the moon and stars streamed in through the window. It had been a long day. Therapy was particularly hard; Y/N felt like she was hitting a wall. She wanted therapy, needed therapy, but every time she tried to talk about things, her lungs started constricting and her heart stuttered and she just wanted to punch the wall and scream.

Now, cuddling with Wanda, she watched her sleepy girlfriend`s face, brushing her hair back. Things felt like they were building, things didn’t feel okay. She was such a burden and Wanda was going to get tired of her eventually. Who knows, she could already be–

Squeezing her eyes shut, Y/N pushed away those intrusive thoughts. Her heart ached still, as she ran her thumb over the back of Wanda`s hand.

“We`re okay, right?”

Wanda blinked her eyes open, gazing up at Y/N, scanning her face as she tried to analyze where Y/N was.

“Of course, babe, of course we`re okay!” she reassured, smiling softly. “I have you and we have this place and this family and I`ve never felt so at home as I do with you. We`re okay. We`re going to be okay.”

Y/N broke eye contact as her voice quivered. “I don’t think I know how to be okay.”

---

Wanda`s heart broke as she watched Y/N`s eyes fill with tears. She pulled her closer and gently placed a hand on her cheek.

“Love, what`s wrong?”

Y/N sniffled. “I dont– I don’t know. Like, its just–, I don’t know!”

Wanda unfurled her girlfriend`s hand from its clenched form and waited, listening to the shaky breaths in the darkness.

“Like, going out with the boys was good and it was fun and I was happy but now I feel so empty. I don’t know what to do and sometimes, I don’t even want to try.”

“And I know I have you and Tony and Pepper and Morgan and Peter and Bucky and everyone here but I just–“

“I`m just so tired” she whispered.

“I`m so tired of trying. Its so hard. Like, I`m here. I exist. I wake up every morning and I do things. I`m happy sometimes. But I don’t feel like I`m actually here! I just function during the day and I don’t even remember what I`m doing!

Y/N began crying. “Some days, I wake up and I don’t even remember where I am! Like I actually have to take 5-10 minutes to try to remember and figure out whether my dreams are real or not.”

“And I`m having trouble eating again and its frustrating me so much. And I`m so angry that I`m not okay, that I keep falling apart and complaining about the same things. Its not fair to you and I feel so guilty but I cant stop, I don’t know how to be okay.”

Wanda sat up and pulled Y/N between her legs, so that she was sitting with her back to Wanda`s chest. Wanda held her girlfriend as tight as she could, trying to give her everything that she felt she couldn’t ask for.

“Love,” she began. “I cant imagine how frustrating this is for you. But you are doing you best. I see it, Tony and Pepper see it, Dr. Lia sees it. Recovery isn’t linear. Being okay is something you have to relearn; you cant just snap back into it.”

“Its okay to be tired. Its okay to have bad days. And I`m so freaking proud of you for being so strong and still fighting.” She stroked Y/N`s hair back and pressed kisses to the top of her head. “I love you and I`m not going anywhere.”

---

“So here`s what we`re going to do.”

Dr. Lia sat down across from Y/N and Wanda, placing a lavender journal on the table in front of the former.

“You are going to take this journal and write down all the things that make you happy, that bring you joy, that make it worthwhile to live. You are going to do this until you fill the journal. It could take days; it could take weeks or months or years.”

“And then, we`re going to start planning things for you to do and look forward to, places you want to travel to and explore. Because you have so much to live for, Y/N. You will be okay, things will get easier, and you will be happy. Its never going to go away so we need to learn how to sit in this uncomfortableness without giving it a place to stay. Its so easy to fall back into all the sadness because it seems safe and familiar but you have to learn how to not. And we`re all here for you through it, you don’t have to do it alone. But we have to start that process.”

Y/N nodded, giving a small smile but a smile, nonetheless. Dr. Lia took a deep breath.

“I also really think its important for you to try regressing.”

Y/N shook her head. “No, I–“

“Tell me why you`re resisting this.” Dr. Lia interrupted.

Y/N started blushing and looked away. “Its just so embarrassing. Like, it’s stupid, I shouldn’t have to do this. I’m an adult, I need to act like one.”

“Y/N, you literally don’t know how to ask for help, or how to be okay with being taken care of. You don’t know how to accept love freely given or share these parts of you because you were never allowed to. I know its scary, I know it seems weird, I know you`re uncomfortable. But this will help; even if its just to try it a few times. Eventually, you wont even need it anymore. But this is to help you get to that point, okay? Can you trust me on this? Please?”

Wanda squeezed Y/N`s hand. “I promise, I don’t think of you any less. You are still Y/N and I love you no matter what. I`ll be with you every step of the way.”

Y/N swallowed and nodded. “Okay, yeah. Fine.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “I`m so proud of you, Y/N. So proud.”

“So what do we do?” Wanda asked.

“Well, what I`ll be doing is helping Y/N regress in our therapy sessions, so that we can work through some of the trauma that wasn’t processed when she was a child. I`ll be helping her work through all those mixed up, jumbled emotions that are affecting her today. But if she happens to drop at any point in time otherwise, whether with you or when I`m not here, it would be important for you to have some knowledge of how to handle the situation.”

Wanda shook her head. “I actually started doing research already so I have some kind of idea but if you have any resources you could send me, I would appreciate it.”

Y/N looked at Wanda in shock. “What?”

Wanda smiled. “This is important, this is a part of you, and I want to help you. You deserve someone to care just as much about you. Yeah, it`ll be a learning experience, but what isn’t?”

Y/N relaxed into her girlfriend`s side. Wanda was too good, too kind, too loving. She was so lucky.

---

It was Family Friday and Wanda could tell that something was up with Y/N.

On Family Fridays, everyone at the Compound was required to show up for dinner together and mandatory hang-outs, sometimes with movie nights. They had just finished dinner and everyone was spreading out into their little groups; Bucky, Sam, and Bruce were in the kitchen discussing cookie recipes as they fought over oven space. Tony, Rhodey, Natasha, and Thor were playing pool while Steve, Loki, and Pepper were engaged in a serious conversation over their most recent “unofficial book club” book. Wanda was seated at the table with Y/N, observing the chaos; yet she noticed that Y/N was constantly glancing over to Morgan, who was seated on the floor in front of the couch, coloring and watching Tangled.

She leaned over to her girlfriend. “Do you want to go over there?” she asked quietly. Y/N bit her lip, looking unsure.

“Its okay, Y/N, you can go join her. I`ll be right over.”

She watched as Y/N shuffled over, sitting down hesitantly next to Morgan as the younger girl told her about what she was coloring. Wanda pulled out her phone to text Dr. Lia, letting her know that Y/N might be on the verge of regressing that night and that she would call if there were any issues. Putting her phone away, she walked over, climbing onto the couch behind the two.

“Hey Morgan, how are you?”

She listened as Morgan told her all about what had happened in the movie so far, but her attention was focused on Y/N. Y/N was absentmindedly fiddling with the crayon in her fist as her eyes remained glued to the screen, watching Rapunzel dance around the tavern. Wanda smiled, grabbing a soft blanket from the back of the couch and tucked it around her girlfriend, making a nest. Y/N blinked slowly, looking up at her. Wanda kissed her forehead, smoothing her hair back as Y/N leaned back into her. She continued playing with her hair, watching as Y/N clutched the crayon, turning it over and over.

Wanda decided to push a little. “Do you want to color, baby?”

Y/N furrowed her brow and blinked. “I– I–” She put the crayon down and started picking at the edge of the soft blanket.

Wanda calmy shushed her. “Its okay, I`ve got you.” Y/N picked the crayon back up again and started slowly fumbling to color on the page.

Morgan looked up at the two of them, confused. “What`s wrong with Y/N?”

Wanda hesitated, looking at Y/N but she was solely focused on her coloring. “Well, Y/N has trouble sometimes because she never got to be a kid and have fun like you and your friends. So now, even though she`s a grown up, sometimes she has to be a kid in order to help her brain.”

Morgan nodded. “Yeah, that makes sense. Its like what Mommy says, that sometimes we have to take breaks if we don’t feel good.”

Wanda smiled. “Yeah, just like that. You have a really smart Mommy.” She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Tony looking concerned.

“Hey, is she okay?”

“Yeah, I think that Y/N is dropped. I texted Dr. Lia in case but we`re just going to sit here for now, yeah, pumpkin?” She addressed the last part to Y/N. She nodded, biting her lip in concentration. Wanda exchanged a glance with Tony; he and Pepper had been made aware of the situation from Dr. Lia and had also attended a session with Y/N, to reassure her and give her support.

Tony sat down next to his daughters. “Hey girls, what are you making?”

As Morgan climbed all over her dad, explaining her drawing, Wanda watched Y/N. She was quiet, quickly glancing up at Tony and Morgan before looking away, only to peek again. There was so much longing written on her face but she wouldn’t let herself say anything.

“Y/N, love, can you tell your dad what you`re drawing?” Wanda asked softly.

Y/N looked up, then carefully scooted over to Tony and Morgan, paper in hand and clutching at her blanket. She quietly began talking to Tony as he nodded and smiled at her.

“COOKIES!” Thor bellowed. Y/N jumped, grasping her blanket but looking up with wide eyes. Wanda and Tony moved to her side.

“Hey bunny, do you want cookies?” Tony asked. Y/N nodded, making grabby hands when Thor presented the tray. She spent the rest of the evening nibbling away on two cookies before Tony, Pepper, and Morgan went back upstairs.

A few minutes later, she was tugging on Wanda`s arm. “Can we go to bed now?” she asked. Wanda could tell that she was exhausted but beginning to come back to herself. Holding hands, they headed back to her room for a peaceful sleep.