Recovery

You woke up crying, shoulders shaking from your nightmare which mixed with jumbled memories from last night. You curled up in a ball, digging your palms into your eyes. Nothing was okay and it was all your fault.

You became aware of a hand stroking your back. You curled into yourself further, choking back sobs. Someone planted a kiss on your head. You caught a whiff of Pepper`s perfume before sniffling; she responded by scooching closer to you, becoming the big spoon.

“Just let it out, okay?” She whispered to you. “I`m right here.”

And it was an ugly cry, silent and choking. Minutes later, you began to run out of tears, instead laying motionless.

She kissed your head again. “What happened last night is not your fault, okay? Its not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were scared, that`s all.”

She hugged you tighter. “Wanda`s okay, you know. It was really shallow and she`s already started to heal.”

You shut your eyes.

“She`s not mad at you, sunshine. Not at all. Not one bit. Nobody blames you.” Pepper squeezed your hand before unwrapping herself from you and slipping out of bed. Your breath caught at the sudden coldness and loneliness.

Someone quickly replaced her, curling around you. You started crying again at the familiar scent of lavender and vanilla, with a touch of spice. Your body shook as your girlfriend wrapped you up in her arms, breathing in the scent of each other and the pain. You both cried at the ocean of trauma between you, fighting against it for each other. No words were said; nothing needed to be said. Her fingers slipped in between yours and everything was going to be okay.

---

After tea and pancakes, Wanda walked you to therapy, promising to wait in the hall the entire time. Tony had already told Dr. Lia of last night`s events and she sat waiting for you with a bowl of chocolate and bottles of water. Not even four steps in the door, she was at your side and wrapping you in a hug. You allowed yourself another moment of rest; she really was the best therapist. She waved at Wanda before shutting the door and making her way back to her seat while you sat on the floor.

She nudged the bowl of chocolate over to you and waited until you had opened one before beginning to talk. “So I completely understand if you cant be verbal today. I`m just going to talk through some things, we`ll use an emotions chart, and then I have some ideas. But if at any point, you`re tired and done, just let me know. We`re going to take it easy.”

You scooted over the desk to crawl under it and sit with the chocolate and water while she sat across from you in her chair, close enough that you could see her but far enough that she didn’t crowd you.

She pulled out the emotion chart with the different faces. “Last night, when your panic started setting in, what were you feeling?”

You pointed at ‘frustrated’ and ‘scared’. She nodded.

“Were you frustrated with the carving or with yourself?”

You pointed at yourself.

“And were you scared of everyone around you and the noise or were you afraid of your own frustration?”

You paused before nodding.

“Both?”

You nodded again, miserably.

“So you were scared because it was loud, you became overwhelmed and then frustrated with yourself for being scared?”

Yup, got it in one. You ate another piece of chocolate.

“And how do you feel now?”

You pointed to ‘tired’.

“Tired of this happening, of coping skills not working?”

She knew you so well. You disguised your urge to cry by drinking water.

Dr. Lia cleared her throat. “I have a suggestion and a theory; you can shoot it down at any point but I thought it was worth suggesting.”

“When you were young, you didn’t suffer one big traumatic experience, it was a collection of little ones over and over again. You’ve retained all of it because your brain never got to process them. You had to grow up really fast and learn how to protect yourself emotionally. So when you were little, you forced yourself to act like an adult, even though you still had a little kid`s brain. Now you`re an adult, but you still have that little kid`s brain and emotions sometimes because you didn’t get to grow up slowly like other people.”

You nodded; it made a lot of sense.

“There`s this thing called age regression.”

You tensed.

“No, no, not like that. I`m not talking about the gross kink stuff. Basically, its just acknowledging that you cant process like normal adults sometimes and, when you feel overwhelmed, letting your brain take over and letting yourself act like your brain wants to. In your case, you would be allowing yourself to go back to being a child, when you were traumatized, and reworking through your brain and its processes. Your brain is confused; it is frozen in childhood and it doesn’t understand how to process things sometimes. By letting yourself regress to that time, you are helping your brain to rebuild happier memories and how to process properly. You are letting yourself be a child because you never got to be one in the first place.”

You nodded slowly, uncertain. Dr Lia continued.

“There`s a lot of stigma around it but I can promise you that the people who live here in this Compound are the most kind and understanding individuals I`ve ever met. You don’t have to be worried about them treating you differently or making fun of you or hurting you. If this is something you want to consider, I would have no problem talking to them about it to make sure.”

“I-“ your voice cracked as you tried to speak for the first time that day. “I think I`ve…felt…what youre talking about. Like…just wanting to be taken care of and be a kid. Its really hard to…to be an adult sometimes, to…handle everything because that’s…that’s all I`ve ever done and I`m tired.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “First of all, I`m really proud of you for talking. That took a lot of work. Age regression isn’t something you force, though. We both know how you like to push things sometimes. Its just letting yourself ‘drop’ or ‘slip’ when you start to feel really young or overwhelmed. Its letting that younger side of you protect the big side of you when things get to be too much.”

The rest of the short session was spent talking about different things, trying to figure out what would help you regress and feel safe, trying to figure out what age you were while regressed, talking about what Dr. Lia would be allowed to share with your family and team. You would be lying if you said it wasn’t weighing on your mind when you rejoined Wanda in the hall, but you let it go for the moment.

You would think about it.