Recovery

Why is it that the good days always turn into the worst days?

They came home from the pumpkin patch and you instantly went to the kitchen to whip up some pumpkin bread and mulled cider. Everyone devoured it quickly after setting the pumpkins out on the table; you headed back to your room with Wanda to set up your candles and baby pumpkins.

Finally, it was time to carve pumpkins. You all gathered around the long table, covered with a Halloween tablecloth. It quickly turned into a competition, Nat shouting over Bucky as to who had the best and most precise knife skills and who would, therefore, carve the best pumpkin. Everyone was loud and the pumpkin guts were cold and icky. It had been a long day and you were starting to crash.

You felt overwhelmed; it was too much but it shouldn’t be too much. You were okay, you were with your family, you should be okay. You began to blink and breathe heavily, trying to ignore the fuzziness in your head and pounding in your chest.

Wanda caught on quickly. “Hey, Y/N? Are you okay? Do you need a break?”

“No! I want to carve pumpkins! I just-“ You clutched the sides of your head in frustration, oblivious to the carving tools still in your hands.

Wanda reached out to placate you. “Y/N, love, its okay to take a break. Just give me the tools, yeah?”

She gently pulled at your hand, a touch you weren’t expecting. You lashed out and the sharp blade in your hand slid along her arm. It was only a shallow cut but you were frozen. All you could see was the blood and the shock on her face and the pain and oh my god, what have you done, youre stupid, youre stupid, its all your fault, she`ll never love you now, she`ll see what a mistake you were, now she hates you, why was it her, it should’ve been you.

You dropped the tools with a clatter and backed away, shaking. You couldn’t hear the silence, only your pounding heart. You didn’t see the stares of everyone on you, only Wanda.

“I-I`m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, it was an accident, god i`m so sorry, please don’t be mad.” Your voice quivered in the silent room until everyone sprang into action. Nat rushed to get a cloth and put pressure on Wanda`s cut. You could only stare as everyone began to talk and move around you. Were they talking to you? You just kept backing away.

Suddenly, Tony stepped forward into your vision. “Y/N,-“

You dropped to the floor in an instant, sliding back to the cabinets and throwing your hands over your head to protect yourself as you began to sob. “I`m sorry, I`m sorry, I`m so sorry, please don’t hurt me, I wont do it again.”

Tony paled and slowly crouched down to the floor, keeping his distance as you began to hyperventilate into a panic attack. His hands twitched as he ached to help you.

“Y/N, love, its okay. No one is going to hurt you. I promise. Its okay. Just breathe for me. We`ll figure this out.”

“But I…hurt…her…” you gasped out in between shuddering breaths. Your vision started to go fuzzy as you beat your arms against the cabinets.

“Y/N, stop that.”

You started to scream, a weak thing fueled by frustration and anger and sadness and guilt all rolled into one. Tony began to slowly scoot closer to you but he never got there.

Strong arms wrapped you up in a blanket from behind, swaddling you tightly and trapping you against their chest. You barely registered the cool metal hand stroking your forehead as you cried and thrashed back into Bucky, who held you tightly. He took it all without flinching as Wanda was pulled away from the scene along with most of the Avengers, leaving Steve, Tony, Bruce, and the human straightjacket with your quickly weakening body wrapped in his arms. He soothed you, whispering in your ear, but you didn’t understand.

Eventually, your wailing quieted to soft hiccupping sobs and your body collapsed against Bucky, no longer fighting. Sometime in the midst of it all, Tony had moved forward and was now holding your hand, stroking circles on your thumb. Steve and Bruce stood back; the doctor`s eyes were flitting over your shape, assessing how to help you, while Steve`s eyes were glued to Bucky, remembering how he used to do exactly this for his boyfriend back when things were more difficult.

Everyone waited it out while your tears dried, almost in shock over how quickly things had gone wrong. Your eyes blinked slowly, exhausted from your panic attack.

Tony broke the silence first. “Let`s go to bed and we`ll sort this out in the morning, yeah?”

A single tear dripped out as you nodded, ashamed. It was all your fault, you had ruined the night.

You tuned back in to hear Tony speak again. “You know where her room is?”

You shook your head wildly. Wanda and you shared a room now; she probably hated you, you didn’t want to see her. It would hurt too much and it was all your fault. You couldn’t face her right now.

Tony sighed, glancing at Bruce. They both knew that it was out of avoidance and guilt but they didn’t risk challenging you and having you spiral again. “Okay. Do you want to sleep upstairs?”

You paused before shaking your head again.

“No.” Tony said firmly. “You are not going to sleep alone tonight. Do you want to sleep in Morgan`s room or ours?”

You lowered your head. What if you hurt Morgan? “Yours.” You whispered.

The mood was somber as Bucky carried you up to Pepper and Tony`s room. Pepper was nowhere to be found as they tucked you in, likely still comforting Morgan. You quickly drifted off, not even noticing the matching tearstained looks on your parents` faces when they climbed in on either side of you. For the first time, they felt like they didn`t know how to help.