the tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks (and the kindest of kisses break the hardest of hearts)

There was an obvious difference, Abby thought, between the days before Ellie’s secret came out and the days after.

It took some long conversations, but soon enough, Ellie and Dina seemed to trust each other more than ever. Ellie felt guilty about being gone for so long, but everyone was so elated to have her back that they brushed her apologies off. She still tried walking on eggshells for a bit, but Abby and Dina quickly made sure she knew that she didn’t have to be careful around them.

Things were better than they had ever been. Lev was happy, he had even made some new friends (Abby hadn’t met them yet but she trusted Lev’s judgement and knew she’d get to scare them eventually) and JJ was doing fantastic. True to his word, Jesse came around whenever he could to help out, and he wasn’t half-bad as company. Dina had almost nothing but time off, only ever doing watch shifts when Jesse, Ellie, or Abby were home with JJ. Ellie and Abby were still on their full-time Jackson schedule, but it just made the little moments of rest all the sweeter, and now they had something they were really working towards. As long as they could help it, Jackson was going to be safe and stable for JJ.

Life was great. Fantastic. Outstanding, even.

So why did Abby feel like something was missing?

When she was hanging out with Lev, she was fine. Playing with JJ? No problem. It was only, only, when she was with Ellie and Dina that she felt this odd empty space.

She didn’t know what was meant to be there, and she really needed to see a doctor about this weird chest thing. (She knew what it was. But she could pretend, just for a while.)

“Hey, Abby?” Lev called from his meditation room. “I had an idea.”

“Gimme a minute, kid,” Abby grunted from where she was dangling from a bar installed above the back door. “Just, like, 30 more pull-ups and then we’ll talk.”

“Haven’t you already done like 50?”

“I’ve done 30. Shut up and align your star signs or whatever.”

“That’s not what meditation is,” Lev said, appearing at her side. “It’s about clearing your mind and centering yourself.”

“Is that not what I said?”

Lev huffed, but then tilted his head. Abby narrowed her eyes, but made no comment until-

“The fuck, kid?” Lev clambered onto her back the second she let herself further down as she hung from the bar. “What are you doing?”

“Good luck doing pull-ups now.”

“You’re like, twig sized. I think I could probably do more with you on my back than I could normally.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

“You’re on,” Abby said, and began to haul herself and Lev up.

She made it through an extra ten, arms burning and teeth gritted.

“Ok, fine, you win,” Lev groaned before hopping off her back. “You’re a goliath.”

“Damn right.” Abby dropped to the floor and messed with lev’s hair. “What were you saying earlier?”

“Oh, yeah! We should make Ellie and Dina dinner to thank them for giving us a place to stay when we didn’t really have one. Also just because they’re nice and they deserve it.”

“Definitely agree with you, but you remember traveling with me, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Then you remember I’m a terrible cook?” Abby asked.

“I’ll do the cooking then.”

“That’s actually worse.”

“I’m a good cook!” Lev defended. “I can make good food!”

“I’m not gonna trust you unsupervised in a kitchen!”

“So you supervise me!”

“I don’t know what to do in a kitchen!”

“Well, who does?”

“An actual adult?”

“You’re twenty-one!”

“All I do is punch things!”

Which is how, the next weekend, Abby and Lev found themselves watching, astonished, as Joel prepared one of the tastiest meals they had ever seen.

“So, bread’s in the oven with 15 minutes to go, pasta will be done on the stove in about ten minutes. The sauce is already stirred in, so you just shift it around every couple minutes to make sure none of it sticks in one place and burns. How the hell do you two not know how to make alfredo pasta and bread?”

“We didn’t have anything like this in the Seraphites,” Lev replied, peering into the pan of pasta with an expression of distrust. “How do I know if it’s starting to burn?”

“Just stir it every few minutes and you won’t need to find out. What’s your excuse, Abby?”

“Soldiers don’t typically make great chefs?” Abby shrugged.

“And you two really survived on your own for weeks on end?”

“Yeah, yeah, we get it. You want to stick around? Ellie and Dina should be here in a few minutes, you might want to say hi.”

“Nah, Ellie’s coming into the shop tomorrow anyways. I’ll see her then, wouldn’t want to interrupt your evening.”

“I think she’d be happy to see you,” Abby countered. Joel brightened before trying to conceal it.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. She was talking about asking you to help her make some toys or something for JJ, since grandparents are meant to spoil their grandkids.”

“Grandkids,” Joel repeated, a small smile on his face. “Maybe I’ll stick around just until they get here, make sure the two of you don’t screw up all my hard work somehow.”

“Probably a good idea.”

“Is it meant to sizzle like that?”

Ellie and Dina arrived to find them gathered around the stove, mesmerized by Joel’s instructions as he stirred the pasta.

“Uh, what’s happening here?” Dina asked amusedly, setting a bottle of wine down on the table before walking over. “Ooh, pasta.”

“Joel’s teaching us how to actually cook because it turns out that neither of us are good at it,” Lev answered. “And he’s really good.”

“Yeah, Joel can make a decent meal out of anything,” Ellie said. “It’s kinda scary.”

“You weren’t complaining when we were traveling.”

“Cuz I knew you’d make me cook if I did!”

“If you don’t like the food, you can make your own,” Joel said, making Ellie screw her face up. Abby could just imagine her, much younger, making the same face at Joel when he offered her some shitty stew of some kind. Her chest panged.

“Well, personally, I think I’ll like this food and I have no interest in cooking tonight, so I’d like to start eating,” Dina interrupted.

“Yeah, right. Here, I’ll get out of your way. Have a good night,” Joel said, making his way toward the door.

“Joel?” Ellie called out.

“Hm?”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Right, definitely. See you tomorrow.”

“Ok. Bye.”

“Bye.” Joel stood awkwardly for a moment before exiting, letting the door fall shut behind him.

“Oh, shit,” Lev said suddenly. “I totally forgot.”

“What?” Abby asked.

“I told Maria I’d help her with something we’re doing tonight.”

“What are you helping Maria with?”

“We’re trying to set up an area and time in the rec center for meditation and other possible spiritual assembly type things? There’s not really much of a church or temple around here, and enough people take comfort in their faith that we thought they might like a spot to pray. And even if they aren’t particularly religious, it’d be a nice quiet spot to try and find some level of peace.”

“That’s… that’s awesome, Lev. Really, that’s so cool,” Ellie said. “A lot of people are going to really appreciate that.”

“I’m going to appreciate that,” Dina interjected. “Maybe I can teach JJ some prayers.”

“I didn’t know you were religious.” Abby turned to Dina. “What do you practice?”

“Jewish, by genes and practice. Haven’t really had an opportunity in a long while to make a real effort with it though. Couldn’t even find a good copy of the Torah.”

“Oh! I should talk to Maria about getting copies of people’s holy books!” Lev straightened up. “Ok gotta go bye!”

He dashed out the door, slamming it shut behind him, leaving the three women staring at the spot he had just occupied in confusion.

“Well that sounds exciting,” Ellie drawled. “I didn’t realize he was getting so involved.”

“Neither did I,” Abby said, concern evident in her tone. “I hope he’s not pushing himself too much.”

“Nah, Maria will make sure he’s not overwhelmed.”

“No, I mean with his spiritual stuff. It’s still kinda confusing for him, I don’t want him to be doing this and suddenly it makes some stuff resurface.”

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.” Dina nodded. “Maria’s perceptive as hell. If she notices something’s wrong, she’ll make sure to help him and get him to you.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you knew about Lev’s…”

“Issues? I mean, we don’t talk about it or anything, but he’s Lev. We care enough to look out for him.”

God fucking damn it, it was like they wanted her to have a heart attack.

“Cool,” Abby said, voice sounding strangled even to her own ears. “Cool, yeah, that’s good. Let’s eat, huh?”

“Sure,” Ellie grinned. “What have you got for us, Chef Abigail?”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“What, chef?”

“I’ll kick your ass, Williams.”

“Try me, Anderson.”

Abby would have responded scathingly, but Ellie shot her another smile and it was… disarming, to say the least.

She thought maybe the ache was her heart trying to burst from her chest.

“Ok. Dinner time.”

Later that night, Ellie and Dina had left and Lev still wasn’t back.

Abby hated empty houses. She hated them so much, it was so quiet and so vast and it was something like an abandoned aquarium, it was meant to be full and it was so so empty-

Ellie crashed back in, barely opening the front door. “Fuck, we forgot we brought wine cuz Jesse’s with the baby the whole night and we can get drunk.”

“Look what motherhood has done to me,” Dina moaned dramatically as she entered just behind Ellie. “I forgot that I’m allowed to be drunk now!”

“You’re sure Jesse is with JJ all night?” Abby asked, watching as Ellie went to grab some cups. She didn’t remember telling her where she had put everything in the kitchen, but Ellie found them so quickly that she must have mentioned it but forgotten.

Or Ellie just noticed once and cared enough to remember.

The ache in her chest must be getting worse. If the lump in her throat was any indication, she may actually need to see a doctor.

“Yep, we’re all good. You’re stuck with us, Anderson.”

—————————————————————————————————

Fall was Abby’s favorite season. Mostly because it was Lev’s, but she liked it too. The trees around Jackson were absolutely stunning, and the temperature was a welcome change from the long, hot summer.

However, fall wasn’t coming nearly quickly enough, at least not temperature-wise. It was almost October and Abby still found herself working in shorts and tank tops every day. It was never this warm in Seattle, the perpetually grey skies blocking out the sun, and she wasn’t used to it in the slightest.

Dina seemed to thrive on it, though. “Looking damn good, you two!” She shouted from her porch, laughing when Ellie turned away from the woodpile to flip her off.

“Why are we doing this for you again?”

“Uh, you’re doing it for JJ.”

“How did such a beautiful baby come from such a demon of a woman?” Abby wondered aloud. Dina smirked.

“You haven’t even seen me in bed, Anderson.”

Abby flushed and turned back to the woodpile immediately, ignoring Dina’s laughter.

Ellie snickered next to her. “That easily flustered?”

Abby glared. “Shut up, you are too.”

“Nah, I’m used to it now.”

“Oh yeah?” Abby challenged. “And if I told you Dina was walking over right now?”

“What?” Ellie whipped around, quickly turning back to Abby when she saw Dina hadn’t moved. “You bitch.”

“Gotcha.”

“She’s staring at your ass.”

Abby grinned. “I’m not that gullible.”

“And I’m not joking.”

“She’s probably staring at you, dude. Which is why I’m getting more done, because I’m not being distracted by my girlfriend.”

“Bro, we’ve done the same amount of work,” Ellie defended.

“I’m going quicker.”

“Oh yeah? Let’s race. Split the rest of the pile in two, whoever’s done faster wins.”

“What do we win?”

“I don’t know. Dina, what’s a good prize?” Ellie called out.

Dina shrugged. “What for?”

“Abby and I are racing!”

“Uh. Brownies for dessert?”

“Yeah, but we’ll all get some anyway.”

“Fine, the winner gets a kiss from me.”

“Hey, wait, that seems-“ Abby let her complaint go when she saw Ellie immediately reaching for the next log, her competitive nature taking over.

For the next half hour, Abby and Ellie worked in tandem, accomplishing their wood-chopping more efficiently than even they thought they could. They were sweaty and exhausted by the end of it, but Abby managed to win the race by two logs. Ellie would have gotten more done if she hadn’t kept looking at Abby. She was probably trying to check her progress, but it became her downfall.

(Abby ignored the way that Ellie’s eyes seemed to linger appreciatively on her arms. That didn’t mean anything, she was probably just wondering about workout routines or something.)

Dina sauntered over, eyes sparkling as she took in their efforts. “Nice job, I was starting to think you’d never finish.”

“You could have come and helped out.”

“Oh, no, I’m just so frail after giving birth, I couldn’t possibly do any manual labor. I’m getting weaker and weaker just from the heat,” Dina groaned, draping herself over Ellie, who rolled her eyes but wrapped an arm around Dina’s waist. “Wait, why am I being supported by the loser? You, fair knight, support your lady!” She collapsed against Abby, who reluctantly held her arms out to catch her.

“This is unfair,” Ellie whined playfully. “Look at her arms, of course she won!”

“You could have arms like this if you tried, Williams,” Abby replied.

“Ugh, so much effort. I’m good.” Ellie wiped the hair out of her face, grimacing at the amount of slick sweat causing it to stick there. She lifted the hem of her shirt, bringing it up to her face to wipe herself off. Abby looked away hurriedly at the glimpse of lean muscle on her abdomen.

“Well, I promised the winner a kiss, but I think the loser should also get a consolation prize,” Dina purred. “Question is, who goes first?”

“We all know you’re not gonna kiss me, go make out with your girlfriend. I’m gonna go get cleaned up,” Abby said, turning away from the pair to head back inside. She stopped when she felt a hand on her wrist and let herself be spun around.

Dina stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to the taller girl’s cheek. “Thank you for helping.”

Abby stared. And stared. And willed her brain to restart. “Uh. Yeah. Yes. Uh huh. Sure. No problem, no problem. Yeah.”

Dina smiled. “Very coherent. Go wash up, lunch will be ready soon and you have a watch shift after that.”

“Right, yeah. Ok.”

“Told you!” Ellie said. “You get flustered too!”

“Make your girlfriend stop hitting on me and it won’t be an issue!”

“Nah,” Ellie replied, a lazy grin on her face. “That wouldn’t be any fun.”

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe later.”

“Shut up.”

“Why should Dina get to flirt but I don’t?” Ellie asked, stepping closer to Abby. “Maybe I want to get in on the fun.”

“You’re the worst. I’m going to shower.” Abby shook her head as she walked towards the house.

“Without us?” Ellie called, laughing when Abby flipped her off without turning around.

—————————————————————————————————

“So, I was thinking of doing something on Halloween,” Lev said, putting his plate in the sink. “Like, going out for it. It’s in a few days, so you can have time to think about it.”

“Oh? Who would you be with? And since when do you know about Halloween?”

“It’s Ellie’s favorite holiday. She does scary movie marathons or something. But my friends are all hanging out and I was hoping I could go with them?”

Abby laughed internally at the hope in the kid’s tone. She was obviously going to let him go, but this was a good opportunity to give him a hard time about these friends of his. “Who’s going to be there?”

“Alison, Cody, H, Mason, and Kay. We’ll be at Kay’s house, and it starts at eight.”

“What time will you be getting home?”

“I was hoping I could maybe stay the night?”

“Anyone else staying the night?”

“Everyone, I think. Cody might not, he’s got a watch shift the next morning.”

“There gonna be alcohol at this little party?” Abby questioned.

“I don’t think so.“

“You’re what, fifteen now?”

“Almost. Will be in a month or two.”

“Let’s hold off on the drinking until you’re at least fifteen and a half, yeah? I don’t want to get nailed by Maria for being an irresponsible caretaker.”

“Sure. Does that mean I can go?”

Abby chuckled. “Yeah, kid, you can go. Be home before noon, ok? I gotta see you before I head out for patrol.”

“Deal. Thank you!” Lev threw his arms around Abby quickly before scampering away, probably to let his friends know he’d be at their party.

“Hey, wait,” Abby called. “What do you mean, it’s Ellie’s favorite holiday?”

“She loves Halloween,” Lev shouted back. “She used to do movie marathons with Joel, but now she does them with Dina. Except she thinks she’s gonna have Joel over for this year.”

“How do you know this but I don’t?” A thought dawned on Abby. “You went over there this morning! That’s why you didn’t eat any of your breakfast!”

“You’re a terrible cook! Dina’s food is edible at least!”

“I made pancakes!”

“They were burnt!”

Abby grumbled all the way to her watch shift.

“What’s got you so pissy?” Jesse greeted her as she climbed the tower.

“I’m a good cook when I try,” Abby replied harshly.

“Ok, weirdo. You’re a good cook.”

“Thank you very much.”

“Hey, do you mind if I call someone else to take over for me? Ma’s getting real worried about some pipes, she was hoping I could fix them up.”

“No problem, man. Just don’t stick me with Seth, I’ll throw him off the damn tower.”

“You got it.” Jesse saluted before climbing down the ladder, leaving Abby alone for a few minutes. She looked out at the expanse of land beyond Jackson. It was getting harder to remember a time when this wasn’t her home. Almost everything good that had ever happened to her happened here. She missed parts of the WLF, the friends she had made, but they weren’t… they weren’t like this. Maybe she had been too wrapped up in herself and they were better than she thought, that was probably the case, but she couldn’t help thinking that they wouldn’t have fit into Jackson. They were all a little too sharp, a little too angry. Abby thought maybe Ellie understood that, sometimes. She held a knife like she did, anyway.

“Mind if I join you?” Abby’s thoughts were interrupted by a familiar gruff voice. She turned to see Joel standing on the last rung of the ladder, head tilted as he looked at her. She nodded, and he stepped up beside her.

“”S a fine view, huh?”

“Yeah. It’s getting really nice, leaves changing colors and all.”

“Mm. I’ll be sorry to see winter come for sure.”

“Well, we got some time. Speaking of, I hear you and Ellie have some fall traditions?”

“Oh, the turkey toss?”

“What? No, I meant the Halloween movie marathon. What’s a turkey toss?”

“Oh. Don’t worry about that. The movie marathon, yeah, but she’s been doing that with Dina the last few years.”

“Maybe you should ask her about it this year,” Abby responded. “She’d probably be happy to let Jesse take JJ for the night. Or, you know, JJ could get some good grandparents time in.”

“Yeah, but I reckon she’d rather do her own thing.”

“She’s still coming to the wood shop every other weekend, right?” At Joel’s nod, Abby continued. “Maybe it’s time the two of you to have a little more than awkward conversations about power tools and carving techniques.”

“I wouldn’t want to be a bother. She’ll want to do something with you and Dina,” Joel shifted on his feet, not making eye contact.

“I mean, maybe she’ll want to bring Dina along, but you could just invite both of them. Might make her more likely to say yes.”

“Why are you trying to coach me on reconciling with my daughter?”

Abby sighed. “You said once that Ellie talks about me, right?”

“Plenty. She’s always talking about you and Lev and the rest of her little family.”

Family. What a simple little word. What a miracle.

“Well, she ever mention anything about where I came from before Jackson?”

“Seattle, yeah? Tommy mentioned it was some military complex, I reckon I heard of it before. Pretty solid structure.”

“Yeah. My dad was a doctor there. He died in the, fuckin, line of duty or whatever. He was giving medical attention and was on his way back when he got killed by some raiders.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

“I mean, you got nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t kill him.”

“Yeah. Still, losing someone like that, it’s never easy.” Joel rested his hand on Abby’s shoulder for just a moment. It felt… it felt so much like her dad that she had to move away. (She didn’t deserve that comfort. The raiders cried when she found them.)

“No, it isn’t. Which is why you and Ellie have got to work through your shit. You can’t think you have more time than you really might have.”

The rest of the watch shift was largely silent, Joel contemplating their talk and Abby desperately forcing memories of her father from her mind. Just because she’d gotten some level of closure didn’t make it better. She really hoped that Ellie would work things out with Joel. She had been on good terms with her father when he was killed, she couldn’t imagine how painful it would be for Ellie if she lost Joel without ever making amends.

So she was very excited when, two days later, Ellie came crashing into her house rambling about movie night with Joel.

“Slow down, Williams. What’s the issue?”

“Joel, he invited Dina and I over for a Halloween movie night, like we used to have.”

“Ok. Why am I being told about this?”

“Well, first of all, he invited you too. And also, I have no idea what to do! Halloween movie night is an all night event! I haven’t spent that much time with Joel since three years ago!”

“He invited me too?”

Ellie smiled kindly for a moment, but then refocused. “Abby, other things to think about?”

“Yeah, sorry. Well, Dina and I will be there. We can help bridge any awkward conversations or something.”

“No, you don’t get it. Movie nights are serious. You have to watch the film and be ready afterwards with at least three points to discuss and some idea of a running theme in the movie, be it visual or written.”

“Wow. Was Joel a film major or something?”

“Nah, he didn’t go to college. He just loves movies, I guess.”

Or he wanted a way to keep Ellie talking after the movie was done. “Ok. Have you told Dina that she’ll have homework?”

“Yeah, she knows. But you can’t seriously want to be there and-“

“Couldn’t keep me away if you tried, Williams. What time does the whole thing start?”

Turns out it started at nine, Abby thought as she was walking into Joel’s house at 9:15 and was immediately shushed. Joel paused the movie and turned to her.

“Abby, hey. Come sit, we’re only a few minutes in.”

“Sure. I brought some whiskey, if that’s good?”

“Gimme.” Dina grabbed the bottle out of her hands, hugging it to her chest. “Sweet, sweet alcohol.”

“You’re gonna have a problem if you keep doing this.”

“I couldn’t get drunk for nine months, forgive me if I want a few drinks now that I’m not whale-sized.”

“Fine, but I reserve the right to cut you off,” Ellie threatened playfully, nodding at Abby in greeting.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re gonna make Jesse’s parents think I’m an alcoholic.”

“Yeah right, they adore you. If they’d believe that about anyone, it’d be me.”

“They like you,” Dina defended weakly. Ellie stared at her skeptically. “They do! They just wish I was still with Jesse.”

“And they probably think you got an STD from Cat,” Abby contributed. At Ellie’s glare, Abby flushed and turned to Joel. “Not that’s Ellie’s ever had sex before. Pretty sure she hasn’t ever, actually. Definitely not. Not that I have a definitive knowledge of Ellie’s sex life, but she doesn’t even have a sex life, so-“

“Let’s watch the movie.”

“Yep.”

Abby looked around for a place to sit, but the only place was between Ellie and Dina on the couch, whereas Joel was sitting in the armchair. She hesitated, giving the two a chance to scoot over and make room for her at one end of the couch.

Dina just stared at her. “You gonna sit down or what? We’ve got a lot of crappy horror movies to get through, Anderson.”

Abby sat, doing her best to avoid touching either girl at her sides.

It was going to be a long night.

—————

Abby was wrong. The night flew by quickly, marked by Dina’s enthusiastic commentary and Ellie and Joel’s thoughtful analysis of each movie after it was finished. Abby didn’t recognize any of the movies, but she really liked the one about the dude with claws who could invade people’s dreams. That was a fun one.

Some of the movies were what Ellie and Joel called ‘slashers’, which generally led to the most spirited commentary from Dina. Others were apparently psychological thrillers, which creeped Abby out a bit. At least, the good ones did. Some were just kinda boring, but it was fun to hear Ellie and Joel rip them apart afterwards.

At least, it was fun for Abby. Dina fell asleep at some point during Manhunter, which Joel insisted on even if it seemed a little boring in comparison to others.

Abby was content to let Dina nap until she became her pillow. Dina fell gently against Abby’s side, head resting against her shoulder. At a particularly loud noise, she furrowed her brow and nudged more insistently into Abby’s side.

Abby turned to Ellie, who was completely engrossed in the movie. The low light of the screen played across her face, making her pale skin look almost ghostly. But she was so focused, so engaged with the movie. She was practically on the edge of her seat with how far she was leaning towards the screen. Some strands of hair had escaped the confines of her bun, framing her face.

She was absolutely beautiful.

Abby looked away quickly, resolving to just keep her focus on the movie and not the girl using her as a cushion or the girl who managed to look gorgeous at the weirdest moments. This was just a movie night. Joel was kind enough to invite her because she was a good friend of his daughter. She wasn’t going to fuck that up by trying to be more than friends with someone who wasn’t available.

(Or two people who weren’t available.)

Abby managed to hold her resolution until some time around 4 a.m, when Ellie finally tapped out. She had been nestled into the couch cushions, but, in a final act of semi-consciousness, had come to rest her head in Abby’s lap. Dina stirred just long enough to play with Ellie’s hair for a few minutes before drifting back to sleep, and Ellie followed not soon after.

Abby held very, very still.

Joel finally turned the tv off a little while later, stretching in his seat and turning towards the couch. “What’d we think- oh.”

“Yeah,” Abby said quietly. “They passed out a little while ago.”

“Figures. Ellie never does make it through the whole night. You want to just stay here?”

It was tempting. Abby could just lean back and fall asleep, content with their warmth surrounding her. But it wasn’t warmth that she deserved, and if they knew how she felt, they wouldn’t get this close.

“Nah,” she replied. “They’ll be all cramped in the morning, I’ll just get them home.”

“Hm. Alright, get them back safe.”

“Yeah. Goodnight, Joel.”

“It was nice havin’ you here this year, Abby. Sleep well.”

—————————————————————————————————

Winter was a different story. Something changed in Ellie, and it was concerning, to say the least. She was closed-off, slow to smile, and stuck in her head. Abby swore she had never seen the other girl so quiet before.

Dina was quiet too, but it seemed like she was mostly just trying not to disturb Ellie. The only time Ellie seemed to brighten and become herself again was with JJ, and that was wonderful to see, but Abby couldn’t let go of her worry.

“Do you know what’s up with Ellie?” She asked Lev one day as he came to sit at the kitchen table. “She’s been cagey lately.”

“Don’t think she likes winter,” Lev shrugged. “Prob’ly too cold.”

“I don’t think that’s why she’s acting so weird, Lev.”

“Well then you figure it out, you’re her best friend anyway.”

Abby froze, fork halfway between her plate and her mouth. “That’s not true.”

“Uh, yeah it is. Dina’s her girlfriend and you’re her best friend.” Lev looked at Abby almost pityingly. “It’s ok that you want more-“

“I don’t. Dina is her girlfriend, Jesse is her best friend, and I’m just another friend of theirs. That’s all that’s happening.”

“You know what meditation can help with? Being honest with yourself.”

“I am being honest with myself. I can’t be more than just a friend to them, not even a best friend or something like that.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.” Abby dropped her fork. “I think I’m done with dinner. You want to talk about something else, or you want to go see your friends for a bit?” She hoped the message was clear. She loved talking to Lev, but this wasn’t a conversation they were going to have.

“Yeah, fine. I’m gonna go talk to Maria some more about the religion center.”

“Ok, good luck.” Abby watched as Lev put his plate in the sink and shuffled towards the door. “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“I’m really proud of you, you know.”

Lev smiled. “Yeah, I know. Are you gonna go when it’s finished?”

“What?”

“To the religion center.”

“Oh, I- yeah. I mean, probably won’t become a convert but I’ll check it out for sure.”

Lev brightened further before stepping out the door, leaving Abby alone.

She sighed to herself. She really did hate empty houses. Made her feel like she was still out in the middle of nowhere, searching houses for little bits of supplies. And if not that, then it just reminded her of all the places she had scavenged with Owen.

It was bullshit, how much she missed him. The last few years, he had barely been a presence in her life. She was so wrapped up in revenge that she just pushed him away, along with everyone else. And yeah, Ellie had a point. He had kind of been a dick towards the end. But he was still her friend, someone she had loved. His memory was as painful as any other.

But no more painful than any other, either. Abby examined her mind, but she found that Manny and Nora elicited just as much grief, that her love for Owen hadn’t made the pain of losing him any stronger.

Or perhaps she didn’t love him, then or now. But no, she loved him. Not as well as she should have, maybe, but she did.
Abby thought maybe, if she did love him, but his loss didn’t hurt as much, maybe it just meant she was getting better at this whole healing thing.

Lev would be proud.

God, if this was the path her mind was going down, she definitely needed to get out of the house.

She grabbed her boots and slipped out of the house, resolving to go find Ellie and maybe spar for awhile or something. Might help the both of them with whatever was going on in their heads.

Abby was mystified when she got to Dina’s house and the door was locked. Never, never in the entire time she had known her, had Dina locked her door. Jesse had given entire lectures on the importance of security even if safe areas and Dina still refused to lock her door. But here it was, entirely impossible to open. Abby knocked, her concern rising with the odd occurrence.

Dina answered the door within a few moments. “Abby, hey. Thought you were on duty soon?”

“Nah, I’m off for the day. I was wondering if maybe Ellie would want to spar or something. Can I come in?”

“Oh, yeah, you can come in, but…” Dina stepped aside to let Abby through. “I’m not sure Ellie’s up to that today.”

“She sick or something?”

“Uh, kinda. You know how it gets, the cold and all that.”

“Yeah, Tommy said it would probably start snowing soon.”

“Damn.” Dina shook her head. “I mean, it’s about time, but Ellie’s not a fan.”

“Really? Figured she’d be all about snowball fights.”

“On her better days, she is, but winter’s just really-“

“You two gossiping about me?” Abby turned to see Ellie emerging from the bedroom, a tired smile on her face. “I thought Dina’s shit-talking privileges were revoked.”

“Nah, just put on hold for a while,” Abby answered. “I hear you’re not doing great?”

“Nah, I’m fine. Just some headaches, nothing big. Got JJ down for his nap,” Ellie added, smiling a bit more sincerely when Dina slumped in relief.

“Finally, I thought he’d scream all afternoon.”

“Little Potato’s being a stinker?” Abby asked.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. He doesn’t seem much for the cold either.”

“A family of grinches.”

“The fuck is a grinch?”

Abby stared at Dina. “What?”

“A grinch? Is that just someone who doesn’t like winter?”

“I- have you never seen The Grinch Who Stole Christmas?”

“Um. No?”

Abby sighed. “Well, that’s going on the list.”

“What is it?”

“It’s like, a kid’s movie. JJ would love it, it’s real colorful.”

“Well, anything to keep him occupied,” Ellie said, glancing towards the bedroom. “He’s getting to be a real monster.”

“Good for him. Speaking of, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to spar or work out or something.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good-“

“Yeah, I’m in,” Ellie answered. When Dina rounded on her, she just rolled her eyes. “It’ll be fine. I feel like I’m going crazy anyway, Tommy won’t even let me out on patrol cuz of Joel.”

“What’d Joel do?”

“More like what he said. Point is, I’d love to get some energy out. Backyard?”

“Sure, Abby said agreeably. “Stretch first though, I’d hate to break your skinny little limbs.”

“Fuck off, if anyone ends up broken it’ll be you.”

“You two have the weirdest foreplay.” Dina shook her head. “I’ll be in here, call me if someone actually needs medical attention.”

“What if I just need your attention in general?” Ellie flirted, making Dina grin.

“Go get your ass kicked, babe. You can have all the attention after.”

—————

From the second Ellie got into position, Abby knew something was seriously off. Whatever playful look in her eyes that was usually present when they sparred was gone, and she looked so tightly wound that Abby was afraid to hit her in case she just snapped.

Ellie had always been a good fighter, probably the only one her age that had ever come close to being a real challenge for Abby. But she was doing better today than she usually did, landing more hits, definitely causing more bruises. It took Abby a few minutes to figure it out, but she eventually got it.

Ellie was being reckless, and she wasn’t pulling her punches.

“Hey, what’s going on with you?” Abby asked as she quickly blocked a punch that would have given her a black eye. “This isn’t how you normally fight.”

“Just trying to get my energy out,” Ellie grunted before lunging again.

“Bullshit, this is-“ Abby dodged another punch, and blocked the second- “This isn’t you. What the fuck is up with you?”

“Nothing.” Another punch, another dodge. Ellie had Abby solidly on the defensive, backing away and dodging as much as she could. The way Ellie was hitting, Abby was afraid that blocking her might do more damage to Ellie than her.

“Come on, tell me what the issue is.”

“Hit back, you asshole.”

“No.” Abby stopped in place, making Ellie pause. “Not until you tell me what’s up.”

“I’m not gonna hit you while you’re not moving,” Ellie growled, warily regarding Abby.

“Good. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I keep telling you, nothing’s wrong!”

“Why are you lying?”

“I’m not fucking lying!” Ellie took a swipe at Abby. It was weaker than anything else she’d done, and Abby blocked it easily.

“Tell me the truth, Ellie.”

“Fuck you,” Ellie panted, finally dropping the defensive stance. Abby was relieved for a split second before there was just a subtle movement-

The second Ellie charged, Abby was ready. She caught the smaller girl around the waist, putting her neatly on her back on the ground with Abby hovering over her, pinning her wrists down beside her head.

“Holy shit,” Ellie croaked. Her breaths seemed to be coming more quickly, and Abby loosened her grip.

“Shouldn’t have run at me.”

“Yeah, I-“ Ellie’s eyes went cloudy, Abby looked around, but saw nothing other than a few snowflakes beginning to fall.

“Hey, look, it’s-“

“No. No no no no.” Abby turned her head back to Ellie to find her squirming below her, eyes still cloudy and breathing fast. “No, don’t fucking- stop, stop-“

“Ellie?” Abby released the girl, coming to sit beside her as Ellie made no effort to stand. “What is it?”

“I- he’s on me, I can’t reach- get him off, get the fuck off-“

“Ok, ok.” Abby looked around wildly, hoping someone would appear out of nowhere and tell her what to do. She remembered, dimly, something Lev had told her a long time ago about PTSD.

“Ok, Ellie. I think you’re having a panic attack or something, ok? So I need you to listen to me, and match my breathing, ok?”

“He’s-“

“Not here, Ellie. He’s not here, it’s just me. It’s Abby. Can you hear me?”

“I, yeah, I can hear. I can hear you.”

“Ok. Can you slow down a little, Ellie? Slow down for me, ok?” Ellie seemed to try to slow her breathing, but was having trouble.

“I can’t-“

“Ok, that’s ok,” Abby said soothingly. “Can you tell me something you hear?”

“There’s- fire, crackling, the restaurant’s on fire,” Ellie gasped out.

“No. No, Ellie, nothing’s on fire. We’re in Dina’s backyard.”

“Dina.”

“Yeah, Dina. Do you want me to go get her?”

“No!” Ellie grabbed Abby’s arm, gripping it tightly. “Don’t leave.”

“Ok, I’ll stay. I’m staying, Ellie, I’m right here. Let’s try again, ok? What’s something you can feel?”

“You- your arm. It’s cold.”

“Yeah, I should have worn long sleeves, huh? Can you feel anything else?”

“Uh. I’m laying down on a rock?”

“Yeah, there might be some rocks. Sorry, I tried to put you down gentle. What else?”

“Machete.”

“Nope, no machete. You’re not… you’re not in the restaurant, Ellie. There’s no machete, he’s not here.”

“David.” Ellie’s tone, so far away and so empty, was beginning to scare Abby, and the name sent a chill down her spine.

“He’s not here. It’s me. You know me?”

“Abby.”

“Yeah. You can hear my voice, right Ellie?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was shaky, but sounding less spaced-out.

“Ok. What else can you hear?”

“Um. Breathing?”

“Good,” Abby sighed. “Anything you can smell?”

“Dina’s cooking. Smells like garlic.”

“Yeah, I bet she’s making dinner for you guys.”

“Abby?” Ellie turned her head towards Abby, who nearly sobbed in relief when she saw that her eyes were much clearer.

“Yeah?”

“Can you. Can you stay?”

“Yeah, I can stay. I already ate, but-“

“Stay with me,” Ellie exhaled. She tugged Abby’s arm closer.

“Oh.” Abby gently let her hand rest on Ellie’s shoulder, inhaling sharply when Ellie pushed herself up just a bit and let her head fall into Abby’s lap. “Yeah, I’ll stay with you.”

—————————————————————————————————

After that, Ellie told Abby the story of Joel’s injury and the harsh winter that followed. And the man she encountered.

Abby thought she hadn’t been so angry since her father died. There were a few times where it took Lev and Dina’s combined efforts to stop her from storming out of Jackson on the warpath. But she eventually settled, and swore that she would never let anything like that happen again.

Ellie scoffed but hugged her tighter than she had before. Abby did her best to return it, ignoring the intensifying ache between her ribs.

Winter became slightly more bearable. Abby was in the loop, now, and was more than happy to be a shoulder for Ellie to lean on. Dina also gave Ellie as much attention and care as she could, and between the two of them and JJ, it was probably one of the best winters Ellie had ever had.

For Abby, however, it was also a time of secret keeping.

It was a bit embarrassing, how much she loved Christmas.

And yeah, Ellie and Dina wouldn’t judge her. Ellie loved Halloween, and Dina fully bought in to the cheesy romance of Valentine’s Day, so they probably wouldn’t mind a bit of Christmas mania. But it was still a shameful secret of hers. It had been a long time since Abby let herself act so childish, and she had people who depended on her. She wasn’t going to let them down by acting selfish and immature.

(And she didn’t really deserve something as nice as Christmas, anyway.)

“So, are we gonna do Hanukkah?” Lev asked one night at dinner. “Cuz I’m gonna need some advance notice if I have to get presents for everyone.”

“You converted to Judaism?”

“No, but Dina is Jewish. I thought we would celebrate with them?”

“Oh, sure. Yeah, we can do that,” Abby replied. “Uh. I don’t know how Hanukkah works though.”

“I know a bit, but we should ask Dina. I’m not even really sure if she celebrates it much.”

Their inquiry was answered the next day with a squeal of enthusiasm as Dina clapped her hands together and smiled.

“Oh, you have no idea. I love Hanukkah! Talia used to surprise me with present as often as she could, and she was much better with actually remembering the prayers and everything, but she always let me light the menorah!”

“What’s a menorah?” Abby asked, feeling a bit stupid when both Lev and Dina turned to her incredulously.

“It’s basically a really cool candle holder,” Lev answered. “It has a lot of religious significance, but I’m not entirely sure about it.”

“I’ll teach you,” Dina promised. “It can be you and JJ’s first Hanukkah. And Abby’s.”

“Ellie’s done this before with you?”

“Oh, she definitely didn’t understand a bit of it, but she was very supportive.”

“That sounds right.”

It turned out that Abby also didn’t understand a bit of it, as days flew by and Dina rapidly tried to prepare for apparently a week-long celebration. It seemed like a lot of effort. The extent of Abby’s holiday traditions only went as far as watching The Grinch with her dad on Christmas Eve and opening whatever presents they had managed to find for each other the next morning. Her dad always made fun of her for how bad she was at wrapping gifts, but one year she just put her gift in a box, which she then put in another box, and then another, and another, and so on until her present (which was really just a small sterilization kit she had found) took up almost a quarter of the floor in her bedroom.

It had been worth all the effort when he couldn’t stop laughing as he unboxed it.

Abby was broken out of her reverie by a hand waving in front of her face.

“Earth to Anderson,” Ellie said amusedly. “You in a trance or something?”

“Some of us can actually think, and even indulge in the hobby from time to time.”

“Fuck off, I’m smarter than you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fight me on it.”

“Ok.” Abby dropped into a defensive stance, grinning when Ellie did the same.

“No fighting in the living room!” Dina called. “You’ll step on one of JJ’s toys and break it.” Ellie and Dina’s house was all but swamped by little plastic and wooden toys for JJ, either found during patrols or made by Joel.

“No concern for us breaking ourselves,” Ellie muttered.

“A cruel mistress indeed,” Abby agreed. “Arm wrestle?”

“You’re on.”

They raced to the kitchen table, Ellie laughing as she tried to trip Abby up on the way. They both dropped heavily into chairs, slamming their elbows against the table.

“If you break it, you make a new one,” Dina threatened, pointing a dirty spatula at the two of them. Ellie just laughed.

“We’ll be careful,” Abby promised before turning back to Ellie. “Ready?”

“You’re going down, Anderson.”

“On you, I hope?”

Ellie sputtered, eyes going wide and face turning a delightful shade of pink. Abby took advantage of her distraction and slammed her arm to the table. Ellie barely reacted, except that her eyes shifted to Abby’s extended arm.

“I win,” Abby said, but Ellie seemed to take no note, locked in a trance. Abby looked at her arm, wondering if there was something on it, but found nothing. Ellie snapped out of whatever odd state she was locked in and shook her head.

“Not fair, you distracted me!”

“I made a joke, not my fault you got all flustered from it.”

“I’m not flustered!”

“Ellie. You’re redder than an overripe tomato.”

“Who can blame you?” Dina said amusedly. “Those arms would distract anyone.” She lightly squeezed Abby’s bicep.

Abby flexed her arm. She didn’t know why she was trying to show off, but she had been bolstered by Ellie’s reaction and was overcome by a need to make Dina just as flustered.

And it worked. Dina gulped, letting her hand linger on Abby’s flexed bicep before backing away. She stumbled over her feet and collided with the kitchen counter before finally clearing her throat and turning around. Abby grinned, turning to Ellie to find the other girl’s eyes locked on her arms yet again.

“Starting to feel a little objectified,” Abby joked, trying to relieve the odd air of tension that had settled over the room. It at least distracted Ellie again, who smiled widely at Abby.

“Yeah, exactly. That was the point, couldn’t you tell?”

“Yeah, yeah, Abby’s hot and you wanted to look at her muscles,” Dina groaned playfully. “Am I not enough for you?”

“Of course you are. More than enough for me.”

“Good answer. Unfortunately, there’s not more than enough room in this kitchen, so I’m gonna need the two of you to scram.”

“What are you even making? It smells good but I don’t recognize it.” Abby sniffed the air, it did smell delicious but she had no idea what the dish might be.

“Latkes. They’re for later, though, so don’t even think about eating them before tonight.”

“Hanukkah treat?”

“Yep. And it’s Christmas Eve tonight too, so I was thinking we’ll have Maria and Tommy and Joel over too.”

“It’s Christmas Eve tonight?” Abby straightened up in shock. She knew time had sort of been flying by, but how had she not realized that it was Christmas Eve?

“Yep. I mean, not a big deal for me, but Maria and Tommy like to have a big get-together so I thought we’d try to host this year. Chances are Jesse and his parents will come by too.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s cool. Cool.” Abby was barely listening. She felt so fucking bad for almost forgetting. She knew, logically, that she was busy helping with Jackson and Lev and JJ and anything else she could do, but god.

Forgetting Christmas felt like forgetting to lay flowers on her father’s grave.

“Abby?” She felt a gentle hand at her elbow, recognizing the voice dimly as Ellie’s. “You ok, dude?”

Abby tried to twist her face into some approximation of a reassuring smile; by the look on Ellie’s face she had failed. “All good. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Oh, old traditions and shit. Nothing important. Anyway, can we help with the latkes?”

Ellie seemed like she wanted to push more, but Dina, blessed Dina, let it slide. “If you can actually help instead of eat, that’d be good.”

“Deal.”

Abby was so frustrated with her inability to get the oven mitts on properly that she completely missed the significant glance Dina shot at Ellie, and Ellie’s answering nod.

—————

“You know, you don’t have to leave,” Dina told Abby as they cleaned the dishes. Dinner had been a great success. Ellie had been worried about how JJ would handle it, but he just seemed thrilled to have all of his favorite people in one place. He only got overwhelmed towards the end of the evening, which was easily resolved by putting him down for a nap. The others had retired to the living room, Ellie and Joel both pulling out their guitars and playing tunes together while the other couples danced. Jesse had chosen to go sit with JJ, admiring his son and his unfailing ability to sleep through the chaos of Ellie and Dina. Lev had already fallen asleep on one of the couches, Abby noted with a smile.

“What did you say?” Abby reached above Dina’s head to store a stack of plates in a cabinet, inhaling sharply when she looked back to find Dina staring straight into her eyes. “Christ, Dina, don’t startle me like that.”

Dina just repeated herself. “You could stay. For the night, I mean.”

“Oh, nah. Gotta get Lev home, and you’ll probably have your hands full with JJ-“

“Jesse already asked to take him for the rest of the night,” Dina replied. “Didn’t want to tell him no, he’s been on patrol for a week and a half and he’s dying for some good JJ time.”

“Don’t blame him, Little Potato’s the cutest kid I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh my god,” Dina grinned. “He’s a little potato. He’s basically a latke.”

Abby laughed loudly. “He is! He’s a little latke!”

“Our little latke,” Dina smiled. She seemed happy, so Abby chose not to correct her wording. “Anyway, Jesse’s taking him for the night, so you can stay over if you want.”

“You should stay.” Abby and Dina turned to find Ellie staring softly at them from where she leaned against the doorframe.

(At least, Dina knew she was smiling at both of them. Abby felt a little guilty, seeing such a loving smile that obviously wasn’t meant for her, but the pain in her ribs didn’t seem to care who it was aimed at. She wished it would go away, just for one night. Just once, so maybe the guilt on her shoulders would lighten a little.)

“How long have you been there?” Dina asked, eyes sparkling when Ellie came over and wound her arms around her waist, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

“Minute or so. Joel’s playing solo, I figured I should help clean up.” Ellie looked over at Abby but made no move to disentangle herself from Dina. “You should stay, really.”

“I don’t know.” Abby was desperately looking for a reason to deny herself something that was suddenly all she craved. “You guys will be pretty wiped from hosting this little party.”

“Oh, please. We might have a kid, but we’re not middle-aged yet.”

“I could just come by first thing in the morning.”

“Abby.” Dina’s tone turned serious. “If you don’t want to stay, that’s fine. We get it, it’s been a long evening.”

Abby couldn’t let them think that, but she couldn’t reveal just how desperately she wished their invitation was what her pounding heart seemed to have interpreted it as.

“No, I want to stay. I don’t know what to do about Lev though.”

“I can stay at Kay’s house.” Abby turned, once again surprised by a figure in the doorway.

“Jesus, kid, how long have you been there?”

“Not long. If you want to stay here, I can go stay with Kay. They wouldn’t mind.”

“They?”

Lev’s stance shifted; he stood a little taller. Abby fleetingly wondered at just how much he had grown. “Yeah. Kay goes by they/them pronouns.”

“Cool. Can they keep you from staying up too late?”

“Probably not.”

“Fair enough. I’ll be home by-“ Abby looked to Ellie and Dina, who just shrugged- “eh, I’ll be here most of the day, probably. I want you to come check in with me by noon, ok?”

“Ok!” Lev quickly hugged Abby before leaving. “”I’m gonna go!” He called over his shoulder just before the door shut behind him.

Jesse’s father laughed. “Kid has the right idea, it’s getting pretty late. I think we’ll take our grandson and head home for the night.”

“Of course,” Dina called from the kitchen. “Jesse’s with him, just make sure to take a bottle of milk from the fridge.”

“Of course.” Jesse’s mother stood. “This was absolutely lovely, thank you for having us here for dinner, girls.” The gratitude seemed to be directed at all three of them, which confused Abby. Did Jesse’s mom think she still lived here?

“Reckon it’s about time we head out too,” Tommy said. “This was a great night, I’m glad we could all celebrate together.”

“Dina, you’ve got to tell me how to make those latkes,” Maria interjected.

Dina smiled. “I can give you the recipe, but-“ she glanced fondly towards Ellie and Abby- “they turn out best when you have the right people helping you.”

Maria raised an eyebrow but just smiled in response. She was also confusing, Abby decided. And a little bit scary, but she’d never admit to it.

Joel was the last to go, promising to return the next evening with more toys for JJ, and finally the house was empty. Dina and Abby had already done the dishes and most of the washing up, so Abby was confused when Ellie and Dina seemed to have an unspoken agreement about what to do next.

Dina brought out some blankets, piling them on the couch, arranging them haphazardly, and Ellie reached for a shelf in the coat closet.

“What’s this?” Abby asked, bemused by their activities.

“We talked to Lev, you know,” Dina said casually. “He mentioned how you aren’t religious at all.”

“No, not really. Think I prayed the Hail Mary once, but I have no idea where I learned it from.”

“Mhm. Not religious at all, but you still adore Christmas.”

Abby flushed. She’d been caught. “He said that?”

“Yep.” Dina was moving closer now, only a step away from being toe-to-toe with the taller girl. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Uh.” The room was suddenly very warm. Abby glanced at Ellie, hoping to alleviate the effects of Dina’s proximity, but the t-shirt straining against Ellie’s arms and shoulders as she continued to reach for something did nothing to help. “I. Didn’t want to be an issue?”

“What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know! You were so excited to teach me and Lev about Hanukkah, and everyone seemed like they were really enjoying it, so I didn’t want to be the asshole who tried to put my own stuff first.”

“Abby. We want to hear about your stuff. About your Christmas traditions, and your old friends, and what your favorite place you’ve ever been to is.”

“An aquarium,” Abby answered automatically. Dina smiled encouragingly, but Abby found herself reassessing her answer. After all, it wasn’t really true anymore. How could anywhere be better than here?

“Yeah, like that. We don’t want you to ignore your interests in favor of ours, we want to be included.”

“Yeah,” Ellie spoke up. “Which is why we got all this.”

Abby turned to her and found herself breathless. In Ellie’s arms were more than a few strings of tinsel, a dvd of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and five stockings.

“What- where did you get this?”

“The tinsel we found in the rec center, Tommy lent us the movie, and-“ Ellie paused. “We kinda made the stockings.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

They made the stockings.

Of course they did.

“This is… this is amazing,” Abby breathed.

“Yeah?” Ellie seemed hesitant, nervous in a way Abby wasn’t used to from her. “It was all we could really find, I had to sneak out this afternoon to get the tinsel and the movie-“

“Ellie.” Abby gently cupped Ellie’s jaw in her hands, shutting the other girl up immediately. “It’s perfect.”

“Yeah?” Ellie whispered.

“Yeah. More than perfect.”

“So why’s Ellie getting all the love?” Dina teased, taking the stuff out of Ellie’s arms. “I helped too, you know.”

‘Oh, I’m sure.” Abby wrapped her arms loosely around Dina, who immediately leaned in and dropped her forehead to Abby’s shoulder. “Now c’mon, I want to see what you two think of The Grinch.”

(When Lev came to check in the next day, he found all three girls entangled together, asleep on the couch, with a stocking for each of them, himself, and JJ carefully hung from the mantle of the fireplace.)

—————————————————————————————————

“So!” Dina clapped, a bright grin on her face. “New Year’s Eve.”

“No,” Ellie said immediately, not even looking up from her comic book. “Absolutely not.”

Dina pouted and turned to Abby. “New Year’s Eve?”

Abby sighed. “What’s the plan for New Year’s Eve?”

“Uh, partying? Of course?”

“And where will JJ be?”

“With Joel.”

“Where’s the party?”

Dina slumped slightly. “At Cat’s place.”

“Oh, really?” Ellie looked up from her comic. “I thought she was still on patrol.”

“Nope, she got back a day or two ago.”

“Shit, I gotta catch up with her.”

“Oh, so now we’re in favor of partying?” Abby teased.

“Shut up, I haven’t seen Cat in forever. You’ll like her, I promise.”

—————

Abby did not like Cat.

Sure, on paper, she probably would have. She had some amazing tattoos, a dirty sense of humor, and could mix better drinks than Abby had ever seen before.

But her eyes were glued to Ellie, and it was starting to get aggravating.

“You’re not subtle, you know.” Abby didn't turn to see who was talking. She could tell it was Jesse at her side, and she didn’t want to look away from Ellie and the girl with a hand on her arm.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Dina does the same thing. She’s probably doing it now, it’s a miracle that Cat hasn’t combusted between the two of you.”

“She keeps touching Ellie.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I mean, I’m judging your taste, sure, but other than that…”

Abby looked over at Jesse, who was smiling. “I don’t like the way she’s touching Ellie.”

“You know, I kinda guessed that.”

“How do I stop it?”

“Uh.” Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know. Ellie and Cat were always pretty good friends, but Ellie’s super oblivious. I don’t think she realizes that Cat’s still hitting on her. It’s mostly as a joke, really, that’s just how Cat is. Watch, in the next few minutes Dina’s gonna get pissed and go over there and Cat’s gonna hit on her too.”

Abby’s knuckles tightened around her drink. “She better not.”

“Oh my god, calm down. It doesn’t mean anything, to them or Cat. She’ll be a little bit of an asshole about it, and then it’ll be fine. Trust me, she and Ellie are just friends, and she and Dina definitely aren’t a thing.”

Abby nodded vaguely, but barely heard Jesse. Cat’s hand had moved to Ellie’s waist, and it looked like she was trying to convince her to dance. Abby was about to put down her drink when another presence joined to her left.

“Hey,” Dina said roughly, gulping down her drink before looking in the same direction as Abby. “You seeing this?”

“You’re not doing anything about it?”

“Nah,” Dina said darkly. “It doesn’t mean anything, but. Pisses me off.”

“Are we being too possessive or something?”

“No way, I think it’s pretty normal to not enjoy your girlfriend’s ex hitting on her at every opportunity.

“How did they ever get together?”

“Cat did her tattoo,” Dina answered. “Kissed her at some point during it. Ellie was terrified that she might have been-“ her voice lowered slightly- “contagious, but nothing went wrong. They dated for a few months, I think?”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“Ok, fine, it was nine months and seventeen days.”

“Wow.” Abby laughed, shaking her head. “I did not expect you to be that precise.”

“I think I knew their anniversary better than either of them did.”

The pair fell silent, watching the third member of their trio laughingly rebuff Cat’s advances. While Ellie seemed to take the whole thing as a joke, and Cat’s own grin seemed mostly teasing, there were a number of other girls who seemed jealous that the tattoo artist’s attention wasn’t on them. They muttered amongst each other before one of them walked up to Cat and whispered something to her. Abby couldn’t tell what was said, but Cat’s smile turned wolfish before she called out.

“Hey everyone! Seven minutes in heaven has just been requested, we got any players?”

There were more than a few answering whoops as a small crowd of people headed towards Cat, who turned towards Ellie with a waggling eyebrow. Ellie laughed, but accepted the hand Cat offered to get off of the couch.

“Oh hell no,” Dina growled, grabbing Abby by the wrist and tugging her along. “We’re in too!”

More cheers. Dina’s popularity as a party girl had apparently not been forgotten over her nine-month respite.

“What are you doing?” Abby whispered.

“Play along, you can always back out if it’s someone other than Ellie or me.”

“No, I’m not a fuckin pussy. But if it’s some random dude, you owe me so much.”

“Deal.” Dina and Abby joined the small group sitting around by Cat. Ellie spotted them, eyes lighting up as she headed their way.

“Hey guys! I was looking for you, I couldn’t find you earlier!”

“No worries, Williams,” Abby assured. Dina just pulled Ellie to her side. “We’ve been having fun.”

“Not nearly as much fun as you would have been having with me,” a new voice drawled. Abby looked to see Cat staring up at her. “Hey there. I hear your name is Abby.”

“That’s me. And you’re, uh, Kate, right?” Dina grinned from over Cat’s shoulder, while the flirting woman just laughed.

“Cat, actually. But you can call me whatever you like.”

“I think I’ll stick with Kate.”

“I see why Ellie likes you,” Cat said appraisingly. “You joining the game?”

“Never played before.”

“Well, it’s fairly simple. Everyone gets a full drink, and we spin this empty beer bottle. The person who it points to and the spinner have to either find some room or closet somewhere and stay there for seven minutes, or chug their drink.”

“This sounds like an elaborate excuse to drunkenly make out with strangers.”

“Shhh,” Cat shushed Abby, eyes twinkling. “You can’t point it out, people will realize it’s not really much of a drinking game.”

“God forbid.”

“Anyway, let’s get this started! Who’s spinning first? Ellie, darling, how about you?”

“No way,” Ellie replied. “Someone else can go ahead.”

One of the giggly girls who’d had their eyes set on Cat stepped up, landing on some random guy. She shrugged and went off with him.

“I’ll go next,” Dina said boldly. A small portion of the group seemed excited, a few dudebros and others. Abby rolled her eyes.

Dina grabbed the bottle and just turned it to point at Ellie. “Oh wow. How convenient,” she said, completely deadpan. “How very lucky.”

“That’s not how the game works!” One of the guys complained.

“Fuck off, Brantley.”

“At least stay so we can watch.”

Dina just flipped off the boy before walking away with Ellie. Abby looked at him carefully, memorizing his features. Would be a shame if he ended up sleeping in a pile of cow shit tonight.

“Ok, who’s going next? No volunteers? Ok, guess I’m up.” Cat spun the bottle, taking a sip of her drink as she leaned back and waited. The hopeful girls crowded around, moving slightly as if it would encourage the bottle to land on them.

Abby was looking around for Dina and Ellie when she heard the disappointed groans of the girls. She smiled to herself until Cat suddenly walked into her view.

“Hey there, Abby. You up for a good seven minutes?”

Abby stared at her. Considered. “No.” She chugged her drink in one go and slammed the cup down.

“Damn,” Cat remarked. “That was impressive. Shame that it’s not how the game works.”

“Huh?”

“I have to be the one to drink. So you’re not off the hook yet.” Cat leaned in and mumbled in Abby’s ear. “Just come on, ok? I got something to talk about.”

“Fine,” Abby grunted, trying to ignore the way she could feel her neck flushing. Cat was an asshole, but there was no denying that she was attractive.

Abby found herself being led into the pantry just off the kitchen. Cat shut the door behind them and grinned back at Abby. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“What did you want?”

“Well, I was hoping to get laid, but now the goal has changed.” With Cat’s words, her entire face morphed. The bold, flirtatious look disappeared, replaced by something more sincere. She wiped away her cocky grin, and the challenging glint in her eyes disappeared. Abby dimly realized that she was watching a mask drop. “You and Ellie. What’s happening there?”

“What?”

“Don’t bother trying to hide it, my one talent is that I’m perceptive with this kind of stuff. Ellie was looking over at you all the time, and you were looking at her. Seemed like you kept just missing each other.”

“Ellie’s with Dina, I don’t know what you’re implying,” Abby said coldly.

“Hm. And how do we feel about Dina?”

“What are you even-“

“Oh.” Cat’s eyes took on something Abby hadn’t ever expected from her. Sympathy. “Complicated, isn’t it?”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Two people is bad enough. Two people already taken by each other? That’s brutal.”

“I’m not-“ One look from Cat was enough to prove that no amount of denial would convince her. “How did you know?”

“Well, Ellie didn’t shut up about you while we were talking. She’s always been kinda rambling when she’s drunk, or just generally happy, but wow. Tonight was a whole new level. I don’t think there was a single sentence that didn’t include you or Dina. And then, god, you and Dina getting all jealous over there when I was talking to Ellie. I was almost scared.”

“Why’d you keep flirting with her then?”

“For fun? I don’t know if you noticed, but I don’t take this kind of stuff very seriously.”

“Oh, I noticed.”

“Funny. I flirt because it’s a good time and sometimes it gets me somewhere. Never actually means much to me.” Cat shrugged. “You’re the opposite of that, huh?”

“Sort of.”

“Mm.” Cat brightened. “Well, here’s some hints. Ellie’s oblivious as hell, you’ll have to make the first move. And if you kiss her, you have to explain it. Dina made that mistake once, I really don’t recommend a repeat. For Dina, you gotta, like, speak her language. Respond to obvious flirtation but also be ready to decode some shit. From what Ellie says, sometimes Dina thinks she’s being clear with her intentions but is really kinda hard to pin down. Although, Ellie really is the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet. Hope you’re not like that.”

Abby had been feeling out of depth this whole conversation, but now she was just dumbfounded. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because Ellie doesn’t shut up about you and you shoulda seen the look Dina tossed back towards you when she was walking away with her. Trust me, you don’t want to fuck this one up.”

“I know that. Don’t tell anyone, ok?”

“Of course, I’m not that much of a dick. But anyway, there was this one girl out there who seemed very intriguing, if you know what I mean, so I think I’m gonna have to cut this lovely little rendezvous short, alright? Don’t miss me too much while I’m gone.”

“Right back to being a shithead.”

“Mhm. Hey, she-hulk?”

“What?”

“Ellie is still one of my best friends. If you hurt her, I don’t care if you look like you could chuck me over the wall, I will make you more miserable than you’ve ever thought possible.”

“I mean, that’d take a lot of effort, but it would be justified.”

Cat patted Abby’s cheek. “Good answer. Now go find your lady loves.”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

“Right, sure. Hey, do I look hot?” Cat had already opened the door and was looking around, presumably for the ‘intriguing’ girl.

“Not answering that.”

“Wow, how loyal. If you’re not gonna be helpful, fuck off.”

“More than happy to.” Abby slid out from behind her, vacating the kitchen and looking all around for Ellie and Dina. When she didn’t find them, she just grabbed another drink and headed outside.

Great minds apparently thought alike, because just when she gave up looking, she found Ellie and Dina on the front porch.

“Hey,” Dina called out. “Where have you been?”

“Inside, what are you doing out here?”

“Wanted to be out under the stars for the countdown,” Ellie answered.

“Is that happening soon?”

“Seriously, where have you been? It’s in, like, a minute, how did you not hear?”

Abby shrugged. “Got caught up in a pantry with your ex.”

Ellie’s jaw dropped, and Dina choked on the sip of her drink she was taking. “What?”

“Yeah, after you two made your escape. She’s… interesting.”

“Yeah, that’s Cat,” Ellie said, looking vaguely more recovered than Dina. “Did you two…”

“A lady never tells.”

“Oh, fuck off, you’re hardly a lady.”

Abby laughed. “Nah, we just talked. She’s pretty ok when she’s not chasing some girl.”

“Yeah, she’s a good friend.”

“I still think she’s a nuisance,” Dina muttered, only cracking a smile when Ellie rolled her eyes playfully.

“Well, how about we do the countdown out here, nuisance-free?”

“Sounds good to me,” Abby agreed. “Aren’t we supposed to make a wish or something?”

“I thought it was resolutions,” Ellie responded, brow furrowed.

“Fuck it, let’s do both. I already know what I’m wishing for,” Dina said.

“What we’re both wishing for,” Ellie replied, putting her arm around Dina’s shoulders and pulling her in to press a kiss to her forehead.

Abby wondered if maybe alcohol exacerbated chest pains. And of course, it made sense that Ellie and Dina’s wishes would have to do with each other. Staying together forever, or having JJ not cry for a week. Something ridiculously domestic that Abby of course wouldn’t mind being excluded from. She’d be just fine without it, without being in their house and making breakfast with them and coming home to them each night.

She knew then and there that her resolution was going to be getting over these stupid fucking feelings, and finally getting rid of the stupid fucking ache in her ribs.

But when Ellie tossed an arms over her shoulders to bring her close when the countdown began, and Dina smiled at her before kissing Ellie when midnight finally hit, Abby let herself make a wish that definitely conflicted with her resolution.

It didn’t matter. No one would ever know but her, just like Ellie and Dina would never know about any of this.

—————————————————————————————————

Turns out, getting over someone was really difficult when you still spent most of your time with them. Abby’s only real reprieve was date night, when Ellie and Dina would both be out and she could spend an evening thinking about something other than the smell of Dina’s perfume and running her fingers through Ellie’s hair.

Although, no such luck tonight.

“Hey!” Dina answered the door before Abby even knocked, stepping back to let her in. “Sorry, things are a bit of a mess right now.”

“Nah, it’s all good. You look nice.” Nice wasn’t the right word. Nice wasn’t even close to the right word. Dina was wearing a long red dress, simple, that hugged the curves of her body. It was low-cut, with thin straps holding it over Dina’s shoulders, and it was probably giving Abby brain damage.

“You’re sweet,” Dina answered, carefully navigating around the minefield of JJ’s toys. “Thank you for agreeing to babysit, we really weren’t expecting Jesse to get called out tonight.”

“Yeah, no, happy to spend some time with little latke. Where is he?”

“Keeping Ellie from getting ready, like a good son does for his mom.”

“You want Ellie to be late?”

“She’s always making fun of me because I take longer than her to get ready!” Dina whined. “Is it so wrong to want one time where she’s the one who’s not ready?”

“Oh my god.” Abby shook her head with a grin. “I’m gonna go rescue your girlfriend from your sabotage attempts.”

“Ugh, fine. Good luck.”

Abby could hear JJ laughing in the bedroom and walked in smiling. JJ had the best laugh, it was impossible not to smile when you heard it.

“Oh, hey-“

Abby turned around and walked right into the doorframe.

Elegant? No. But it was hard to be graceful when you walked in on your crush completely shirtless.

“Oh my god Abby, are you ok?” Abby kept her eyes shut as she heard Ellie walking up to her. “Hold on, let me just-“

Abby only opened her eyes when she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked to see Ellie staring at her in concern. She carefully kept her eyes at face-level only, but it was clear that Ellie had only tugged on a sports bra.

Abby considered walking into the doorframe intentionally this time.

“I think your nose is bleeding a little,” Ellie said, cupping Abby’s face and gently turning her head to the side. “Yeah, definitely bleeding. Do you think you have a concussion?” Ellie stopped her examination to look deeply into Abby’s eyes.

Abby meant to say no, but she wasn’t sure if the strangled sound that barely left her throat could be considered intelligible.

“Ok, let’s get you to Dina, she’s better with this stuff than me.” Ellie grabbed JJ and propped him against her hip and used her other hand to grab Abby’s wrist and lead her outside.

“Ooh, gotta say I love the outfit choice- what the fuck happened to Abby?”

“Walked into the doorframe in the name of chivalry.” Ellie pushed Abby into a chair, putting JJ down in his own seat before returning to Abby’s side.

“Would you have preferred I stared at your tits for a few minutes?” Abby’s voice was slightly muffled, and she was glad she was holding her hand up to her nose because it felt like it was slightly masking the blush on her face.

(It wasn’t.)

“I mean, I never said you couldn’t look,” Ellie shrugged. Dina laughed before coming back with a cold cloth, handing it to Abby.

“Keep that on there for a good few minutes. Nothing’s broken, but you may have a bit of a bruise for a few days.”

“I’m telling people that Ellie shoved me into the door.”

“Hey!” Ellie protested indignantly. “It’s not my fault you can’t handle the sight of women, apparently.”

“Ellie, I’m not gonna fuckin perv on you.”

“And if I invited you to?” Ellie leaned in, an arm on either side of Abby, all but surrounding her.

Abby’s eyes widened and she immediately looked off to her side, focusing on anything but the girl in front of her.

“Damn,” Dina remarked, grinning at Abby. “This should happen more often, you’re blushing so much.”

“Fuck off,” Abby said without looking, making Ellie laugh.

“Ok, I’m gonna go actually put a shirt on. Be ready in a few.”

Abby continued to look to her side until she was sure Ellie had left the room, studiously ignoring Dina’s snickers.

“That was fun.”

“Shut up.”

“No, really, I was really enjoying myself.”

“Fuck you.”

Ellie emerged in a white dress shirt, a few buttons at the top left undone. Abby gave herself just a moment to look at the pair together. Dina, in her red dress hugging her body, lipstick to match, and Ellie’s rakish grin with her dress shirt and black skinny jeans…

Ok. The ache was somewhere a bit lower now.

Abby shifted in her seat and tossed them what she hoped was a less strained smile than it felt like. “Have fun, you two.”

“Thanks,” Dina said. “For agreeing to help with JJ.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

“We’ll be back by eleven, probably,” Ellie said.

“How about I don’t wait up?”

“This is why you’re our favorite.”

With a final wave, Ellie and Dina were gone, and Abby was faced with a drooling, mostly laughing baby.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t too bad. Abby had never been much for babysitting, but yet again, JJ was the best baby ever. He was a little upset when both his moms left, but he quickly recovered when Abby began to play trains with him. Trains was a game of JJ’s design, in which no one knew the rules but him, and he always won. Ellie thought it was good for his confidence. Dina was just upset that she hadn’t found a way to cheat yet.

However, about an hour and a half in, Abby was faced with an expected but still puzzling issue.

Dinner time.

JJ was a fantastic kid. However, even the best of babies had their hang ups. JJ’s was dinner time. Any other meal was fine, but dinner was never fun. He screamed, he cried, and he refused to eat unless someone all but force-fed him.

He was getting to the point of being able to eat solid foods, but he hated them. He hated all of it. And Abby was really trying to avoid a screaming match tonight.

She tried everything she could think of while JJ stared at her imperiously from his high chair. He had evidently inherited his mothers’ stubbornness, because absolutely no success was found. Normally, at this point, he’d be hungry enough to just eat what was in front of him, but he did no such thing.

Another half-hour passed, and Abby was approaching her wit’s end. Who could make JJ eat? Lev could, on occasion, but he was on a watch shift. Jesse was out too.

As soon as she had the idea, Abby realized how stupid she was. How did she not think of that before? She eyed JJ. She couldn’t leave him alone in the meantime, so…

That was how she ended up on Joel’s doorstep, carrying a high chair that contained a giggling baby.

Joel answered the door, immediately confused.

“Help,” Abby said, holding up the chair, putting JJ and Joel at about eye level. JJ grabbed at the older man’s hair.

Joel sighed. “Come on in.”

—————

“How did you do that?”

“He eats when he wants to, you just gotta make him want to.”

“Yeah but how?” Abby was incredulous. Within ten minutes of setting JJ down in Joel’s kitchen, JJ had completely finished his dinner with minimal coaxing from Joel.

“I don’t know, it just works. Why did you bring the whole chair?”

“I… wasn’t really thinking about it.”

“So your first instinct was just to take the whole chair with JJ in it?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Suddenly you and Ellie being friends makes more sense than it ever has.” Joel shook his head, picking up JJ’s empty bowl and rinsing it in the sink.

“What does that mean?”

“Absolutely nothin. Only that the two o’ you make sense together.”

“I think that sounds different than how you meant it,” Abby said, attempting something like a light-hearted tone that really just sounded a bit high-pitched.

“Nah, I reckon it sounded like exactly what I meant.” Joel finished rinsing out the bowl and began to clean it properly. Abby watched him scrub at a particularly stubborn spot for a few minutes before speaking.

“What did you mean, that time when you said Ellie needs both?”

“Come again?”

“We were moving Lev’s stuff to the new place, and you said Ellie needed both me and Dina. You said you had an eye for that kind of thing.”

“I do.”

“What kind of thing though?”

Joel sighed, setting the bowl down on the counter and turning to her. “I think you might already know that, Abby.”

“Pretend I don’t.”

“That kind of thing… it can get complicated. But the way I see it, it doesn’t have to be for you three. You’re already solid. When you got that foundation, it ain’t too hard to start building up.”

“I’m not a fan of heights.”

“Well, sure. Building up can be scary. But sometimes, you gotta do it anyway, because the thing at the top is worth it.”

“I meant literally, Joel.”

“Oh. Well, that’s fair then.”

“Good metaphor though.”

“Thank you.”

“I should-“ Abby turned to find JJ asleep in his chair, head resting against the small table attached to it. “Oh.”

“Moving him might wake him up, prob’ly best to give it a bit til he’s really out.”

“Yeah. Need any help with those dishes?”

—————————————————————————————————

The second Abby woke up, she could tell it was going to be a bad day. The sinking feeling in her stomach and the building pressure behind her eyes were more than enough of a signal to communicate that. Her arms felt heavy, every movement feeling slower than it would otherwise. She ached all over, and the bright sunlight streaming into her room, usually a comfort, became an absolute pain.

In summary, ow.

Abby stumbled down the stairs into the kitchen, dropping heavily into a chair and resting her head in her hands, closing her eyes tightly to avoid the pain of the sunlight.

“You look like shit,” she heard Lev say. His voice sounded wrong, garbled and grating.

“Fuck off,” Abby grumbled, removing her head from her hands and squinting against the light.

“No, seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Just didn’t sleep well. I’ll look better when I get some food.”

“Are you sure? Because you look really bad.” The Wrong Voice of Lev sounded concerned, but Abby couldn’t bring herself to do much other than grunt. “I can get Kay to bring over some of the coffee she found last week.”

“I’m fine. I thought Kay was they/them?”

“She’s cool with they/them and she/her. Mostly they/them, but she said this was one of the rare days where she/her felt right.”

“Well, good for her for having her shit figured out. And for having coffee.”

“You want me to get some?”

“No, Lev, I’m good. I’m fine. It’ll go away in a bit.”

“Ok.” Lev’s Wrong Voice sounded skeptical, but he didn’t push. “I’m on garden duty, I’ll be gone until noon. You’ve got wall construction, right?”

Fuck. Abby had forgotten about that. The loud drills and clanging hammers surely wouldn’t be good for her head, but it didn’t seem like there was much of a choice.

“Yeah. See you back here for lunch.”

When Abby finished all three bites of breakfast that she could manage and stepped outside, she immediately regretted it. The noise and the brightness and the colors, it was all so suddenly overwhelming, popping out at her in a nauseating assault against her senses.

She grit her teeth and kept walking. The wall wasn’t going to fix itself.

She arrived at the small construction site, wishing she could tear her ears off and use them as a blindfold. She didn’t unclench her jaw even slightly, the tension of it helping her to push away the pain. She listened to Tommy’s Wrong Voice, almost static-sounding, as he barked out directions. She could barely hear him, her mind focusing on all the wrong, overwhelming sounds, but she got the general idea that she was on drill duty.

Fantastic.

Abby passed by much of her time on shift gulping down small sips of water to fend off nausea and willing the pounding of her head to recede, only to have it beat stubbornly in tune with the clangs of hammers on metal. She wouldn’t call herself very productive, but she forgave herself because it felt like she was moving her arms through jello every time she lifted them.

Jello was an odd word. Real weird, in fact.

Abby shook herself. If the headache wasn’t making her delirious, then it was the heat. But it seemed like everyone else was still wearing jackets. Abby wondered how centralized heat waves could get. Or maybe she was getting hot flashes or some shit. That was a thing, right?

As Abby pondered the possibility, she dimly heard Tommy call out to her. “Anderson? You doing alright?”

His Wrong Voice was dragging along the surface of her brain like styrofoam scraping against itself, making the most spine-shivering squeals Abby could imagine. She tried to shake her head to rid her brain of the noise, but she suddenly felt incredibly dizzy. Her vision swirled at the edges, and colors seemed to shift as she barely saw Tommy begin to rush her way.

Abby did something she’d never done before.

She fell.

—————

Abby blinked awake, noting the ceiling above her. She recognized it, but not as the one she woke up to every morning in her own room. The light was dim; it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it had before. She could hear noises, but they didn’t sound Wrong. There was a faucet running somewhere behind her, and the smell of garlic and onions, and all at once Abby knew where she was.

Home.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Abby turned on her side to find Dina sitting on the coffee table, smiling softly at her. “How you feelin’?”

“Better,” Abby said, wincing at the raspiness of her voice. Dina passed her a cup of water that was sitting beside her and Abby sat up slowly, wincing slightly as she brought the cup to her lips and took a long drink. “Thanks.”
“You really had us worried, you know,” Dina remarked lightly, taking the cup back when Abby was done. “Tommy came and found us, said you had passed out on the job. Ellie damn near had a heart attack.”

“‘M sorry.”

“Don’t be. Just don’t pull that shit again, ok?”

“Well, I wasn’t really planning on passing out either.”

“Not that, dipshit. I meant working while you’re sick.”

“I’m not sick.”

“Your fever only broke about half an hour ago. And Lev mentioned how bad you looked during breakfast.” Little traitor. Abby didn’t say anything. Plausible deniability was out, so now it seemed that absurd denial was the way forward.

“I felt fine. Probably just dehydrated.”

“Nope. That was the only problem you didn’t have, actually.”

“Oh.”

“Abby.” Dina’s tone dropped into something that was just… exhausted. Abby immediately felt guilty, reaching out and letting her hand rest on Dina’s arm. Dina held it there, stroking her thumb up and down the back of Abby’s hand. Abby’s breath hitched, but it seemed like Dina didn’t notice. “Why did you go when you felt terrible?”

“It was my job for the day.”

“You could have told Tommy you were sick.”

“Wasn’t a big deal.”

“Bullshit.” An edge of anger became evident in Dina’s voice. “It is a big deal. You don’t work when you’re sick, Abby, that only makes it worse.”

“Someone had to!”

“And someone would have taken your shift. Hell, I’d have done it, Ellie would have done it, you should have let us know.”

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Enough of that. We worry about you anyway. God, Abby, do you realize how important you are? You’ve been here less than a year but we lo- we care about you a lot, and we worry because we want you safe.”

Oh. Huh.

“I… I’m not used to affecting other people like that,” Abby admitted. “I kinda pushed most of my old friends away, I didn’t really think they’d worry when I was pushing myself too much.”

“Well, if they loved you half as much as we do, then they worried a lot.” Dina’s eyes widened as she realized what she said. Abby could feel herself stiffen.

“You love me?”

“I-“ Dina tensed for a moment, but then just… relaxed. The pressure disappeared, and her shoulder sank as she smiled. “Yeah, we love you. We love you a lot, Abby.”

Abby thought maybe her chest would burst open. “Wow. Ok. Um. Thank you?”

Dina tossed her head back and laughed, completely missing Abby’s starstruck look at the sound. “Gotta say, that’s a reaction I haven’t gotten before.”

“Oh please, I wasn’t much better.” Abby twisted on the couch to see Ellie standing by the door. “Think I might have said ‘that’s your problem.’”

“Yeah, that was definitely a new one,” Dina teased as Ellie rolled her eyes good-naturedly as she came to sit on the couch beside Abby.

“How’re you doing? Headaches, nausea? General soreness?”

“I’m fine,” Abby answered, stretching slightly, folding up her legs to keep from nudging Ellie. “Maybe a little sore.”

“Where?”

“Calves kinda hurt a little, must have fallen weirdly,” Abby answered reluctantly. She couldn’t get rid of the twinge of guilt that came with telling other people her problems, but Ellie and Dina didn’t shame her. Dina just pursed her lips and smoothed some of Abby’s hair back, and Ellie pulled her legs into her lap and began to run her hands over them.

“Tell me when I hit a sore spot, yeah?”

Abby nodded, not trusting her voice at that moment. Ellie took her confirmation and began gently rubbing at Abby’s legs, checking every once in a while to see if Abby had reacted. Dina dropped a kiss on Abby’s forehead and left, presumably to make sure whatever was cooking didn’t burn.

Ellie hit a small spot towards her upper calf and Abby, god help her, could only slightly muffle the groan that it created.

Ellie looked at her, lips quirked up in something resembling a smirk. “Bad spot?”

“It’s fine,” Abby covered hastily. “Just startled me.”

“Mhm. Let me just…” Ellie gently began to massage the sore spot with her thumbs and Abby considered all the merits of running away and living as a hermit in the woods.

“You ever heard of anyone who just lived totally alone?” She asked out loud, hoping to distract herself from the soothing motions of Ellie’s fingers on her leg.

Ellie stilled. “Yeah, actually. Guy by the name of Bill, he trapped this whole town so nobody else could get in.”

“Oh. That’s kinda fucked.”

“Yeah, he was a weirdo. But he helped us after Tess died, so I guess he’s not all bad.”

“Who’s Tess?” Abby asked curiously.

“Oh, she was… hm. I think she and Joel worked together. She wanted to help the Fireflies with me, convinced Joel to do it. She died a little ways in though.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry for asking.”

“No, it’s ok. I don’t mind. It’s kinda nice, talking about it.”

“Yeah, but don’t you talk to Dina?”

“Sure, but… it’s just a little different with you.”

“Oh.” Abby laid back, looking up at the ceiling. “Thanks?”

“Sure. You’re feeling better, right? No more passing out on construction sites?”

“No more passing out on construction sites,” Abby confirmed, making Ellie smile. She stroked her thumb up and down a patch of skin just below Abby’s knee, seemingly absent-mindedly.

Abby’s chest panged almost painfully. This whole getting over her feelings thing wasn’t going well in the slightest.

But at least she could be certain that they didn’t feel the same. That would make things easier, for sure. And she always had Lev to fall back on.

—————————————————————————————————

Scratch that scratch that scratch that.

Memory wipes. God, who the fuck hadn’t invented them yet? Abby had never felt so strong an urge to strangle every scientist on the planet who hadn’t dedicated every second of their efforts into finding the perfect method of precisely erasing an event from one’s mind-

Lev crashed out of his room, stumbling down the stairs. “Abby! It’s really not what you think!”

“How could that not- no. No. I was just coming to tell you that I’m going out for patrol soon, I’ll be gone for the next few days, do not take that to mean you can do whatever you want.”

“I was gonna work with Maria-“

“Good! Good! Don’t do anything other than that. Don’t even… oh my god.”

“Can we please talk about this?”

“Nope. No. Absolutely not. This is never going to be mentioned again. I’d sooner be torn apart by that giant fucking amalgamation of clickers in the sewers in Seattle.”

“It literally wasn’t that bad-“

“I’m leaving! Love you, bye, please let me never think of this again!”

But even hours into the patrol, Abby was still thinking about it. Locks. Why didn’t they have locks on their doors? She should install some. She would ask Ellie for help, but Ellie and Dina were off with Tommy, and somehow Abby had been grouped with Joel and Jesse.

She was not a happy camper, and that wasn’t difficult to pick up on. Joel kept shooting her questioning looks, and Jesse picked up the slack of the team, doing the brunt of the work while sneaking confused glances at Abby when he could. Abby remained entirely oblivious to this, completely absorbed by her attempt to destroy the memories of what she was exclusively referring to as The Incident.

As they finally settled for the night in a warehouse about ten miles from Jackson, Joel clearly couldn’t live in mystery any longer. “What the fuck is up with you, Anderson?”

“Nothing,” Abby replied, blankly staring into their fireplace. “Nothing at all. Why?”

“Because you’ve been zoned out this entire day looking like you’re halfway to being a clicker yourself.”

“Yeah, you’ve been off.” Jesse came to sit beside them. “What’s up? You fight with Dina and Ellie or something?”

“No.”

“Then what the fuck is the matter with you?”

—————

All Abby wanted was to let Lev know she was heading out. She knew he had a friend over, but she honestly thought that Kay had left. She had barely seen them come in, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to assume that they had slipped by unnoticed in the past few hours. Abby and Lev had established that they check in with each other, especially about extended absences, and Abby took that very seriously.

God, if only she had let it go, just once. Or knocked. Either would have been better.

“Hey, Lev- oh fuck!” Abby backed away quickly as she saw Lev jump all but dive across his bed in an effort to move away from Kay, who hastily wiped at their lips and sat up so straight that they hit their head against the wall. “Were you- oh my god.” All the effort in the world couldn’t hide the smear of lipstick on Lev’s mouth, which Abby was a hundred percent sure wasn’t there before. And was in a very similar shade to the one now smeared on the back of Kay’s hand.

“Abby, it’s not-“

Abby closed the door behind her and made a mad dash for the stairs.

————

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Joel grimaced and patted Abby on the shoulder, but Jesse just looked confused. “So you caught Lev kissing a girl?”

“Person,” Abby corrected hollowly.

“Right, yeah, a person. My bad. I don’t think I really see the problem here, though.”

“It’s Lev,” Abby said.

“Yeah? He’s almost sixteen now, yeah? I was 14 when I had my first kiss.”

“And you’re a filthy perv who got Dina pregnant at 19. Oh my god, what if Lev gets someone pregnant?”

“Abby. Go ahead and think on that one for a minute,” Joel answered calmly. Abby considered it, and then smacked herself.

“I’m a moron.”

“No, you’re just… worried about what to do here. Everyone goes a little bit crazy when their kid is suddenly doing things they thought they’d have time to prepare for.”

“I still don’t think it’s that crazy,” Jesse said, having taken the pregnancy comment in stride.

“It’s Lev, he’s basically eight.”

“Isn’t he a teenager?”

“He’s barely a toddler!”

“Ok, look.” Jesse came to sit beside Abby, tossing an arm over her shoulders. “I get it, I really do. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when JJ’s old enough to stir up trouble. But you trust Lev, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Do you honestly think he’s having sex?”

“No. He’d tell me, I think. Too honest for his own good.”

“Well, what was your plan for when that happened?” Joel asked. “Wouldn’t recommend the path I took with Ellie, by the way.”

“Which was?”

“Total un-involvement. We were having a rough point, but I wish I had checked in a bit more.”

“Lev and I have check-ins all the time,” Abby said. “And, I guess that would be what I’d do? Just, you know, make sure he’s being safe, and that he wasn’t being forced or pressured or anything. Let him know that I could talk if he needed to.”

“Would you?”

“Fuck, I’d hate it, but yeah. I mean, I don’t think he’s even close to that point, but… it just startled me so much. He was thirteen when I met him, you know? Almost fourteen, but god. I know he’s grown up, but I thought he’d be thirteen forever, or something. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not.” Joel leaned back, looking back towards Jackson. “Watching a kid grow up is one of the greatest things in life, but it’s also one of the most painful. They get older and they don’t need you as much, and you have to hope you prepared them for all the right things, and that they’ll still want to be around even when they’ve got other people. And that’ll scare the shit out of you, and you’ll wish that they never grow up at all.”

“He is, though. Shit, he’s growing so fast.”

“You’re doing a good job with him, Abby. A real good job. He’s a great kid, and he’s gonna be a fine young man. This is one of those times where you just have to check in and trust him.”

“Yeah, I know. I know. It just scared me. And was very awkward.”

“Remind me to tell you about my fabled five-day patrol. Tommy still thinks it’s because I was bored, but the reason is something a little more similar to this.”

“Oh wow.” Abby flushed. “Ellie and Dina?”

“I considered just throwing myself to the runners.”

“Ok, I’m getting whiplash from this conversation,” Jesse announced. “Can we please just go to bed? Sooner we get this done, the sooner I see my son and Abby can patch things up with hers.”

“Yeah,” Abby said. “I think I owe him a conversation.”

The next day, Abby made a beeline for her house as soon as they got back to Jackson. “Lev?” She called tentatively as she entered the house. “You here?”

“Meditation room.”

Abby walked in slowly, standing just inside the door. The room was painted a deep blue, with a threadbare mat on the floor that Lev was sitting on, legs crossed and hands atop his knees. Abby smiled at how peaceful he looked with his closed eyes and relaxed posture.

“How was patrol?” Lev asked, not opening his eyes.

“It was good. I didn’t find anything cool. Well, I got a comic book for Ellie, but besides that, nothing.” Lev hummed in acknowledgement, but still didn’t look at her. Abby crossed her arms and scuffed the toe of her boot on the rug awkwardly. “So. Uh, what happened before patrol.”

“Thought you didn’t want to talk about it.” Lev finally opened his eyes, turning to Abby. “Didn’t even want to think about it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did say that huh?” Abby walked a bit closer. “Mind if I sit down?”

“Sure.” Abby sat beside Lev, trying to copy his posture. Being relaxed for this conversation couldn’t hurt, but her mind was racing. She didn’t know how to do this. Literally anyone else would be better at doing this.

“Abby?”

“Yeah?”

“You gonna talk or what?”

“Yeah, ok. Ok.” Abby kept her eyes closed, remaining rigidly in position. “So. Kay. More than just a friend, I guess?”

“Yeah.

“For how long?”

“It just kinda happened that day?”

“Wait, really?” Abby finally broke the posture, turning to Lev to see a shy smile on his face.

“Yeah. They came over, and we- I don’t know, we just talked like normal and I started going on and on about how the religious center was going and we were hoping to open it up soon and then I looked up and they were just staring at me and then they leaned in and I leaned in and yeah.”

“And yeah?” Abby repeated amusedly. “You can say that you kissed, Lev.”

“Yeah, well, it’s just… kinda weird to say.”

“Understandable. So, what, they’re your significant other now?”

“Ugh, that’s such a weird term. And, uh, I don’t know. We didn’t really talk about it.”

“You didn’t?”

“No,” Lev said sullenly.

“Well, do you want to be their boyfriend?”

“I- yeah, I think so.”

“You were happy, then? I don’t need to go beat a kid up for this whole thing? There was consent?”

“Yeah, no, it’s all good. We were both ok with it. Wait. Oh god, what if they weren’t ok with it?” Lev suddenly sounded horrified, turning to Abby with wide eyes.

“Lev. Didn’t they lean in first?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

Abby snorted. “Moron.”

“Hey, I’m kinda new to this whole thing!”

“Oh, I know. Which is why, as much as I really don’t want to know, I can talk whenever, you know? Any questions you got, I’ll do my best to answer.”

Lev was silent for a moment, but then spoke. “Do you think they think I’m weird?” He asked quietly.

“Most people don’t kiss other people that they think are weird.”

“You think Ellie and Dina are weird.”

“Yeah, and I haven’t kissed them. Point proven.”

“You want to.”

“I-“ Abby hesitated. Check-ins meant honesty. Was this something she was ready to talk about? It was just Lev. Lev, who she was trying to coach through his first ever kiss, possibly the beginning of his very first relationship. “That’s irrelevant right now. Why do you think Kay would believe you’re weird?”

“I just mean, you know.” Lev looked down at his lap. “I’m not exactly a normal guy.”

“You’re more normal than Jesse.”

“I’m serious, Abby.”

“So am I. Kay’s non-binary, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So then I bet they actually understand better than you think. Why would they assume that you’re weird when they have more in common with you?”

“What if they want a regular guy? Like, a cis one.”

“What does cis mean?”

“Like, not trans. You’re cis, you were born a woman and identify as one.”

“Oh. Cool. Why would Kay want a cis guy over you?”

“I don’t know. What if they just do?”

“Then I’ll find some chocolate for us and some movies to watch, and you can stay away from them because that would make them an asshole. You’re the best kid I’ve ever known, Lev. They’d be stupid to want someone else over you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess.”

“I know for sure, no guessing necessary. Any other questions, things to say?”

“I miss Yara.”

Oh. Abby flinched for a moment, but then thought. Lev didn’t mean that Abby wasn’t good enough. Yara had been his best friend, his greatest protector. It was normal to miss the big sister you lost during the milestones she wasn’t there for. This was something that Lev would have shared with her. She probably would have been better at handling it than Abby.

“Yeah.” Abby draped an arm over Lev’s shoulders. He leaned into her side, head on her shoulder, and she rested her head against his. “Me too.”

“She would have been all excited about this. And I think she would have really liked chocolate.”

“I bet she would.” Abby kissed the top of Lev’s head. “She’d be really proud of you, you know.”

“Dina and I talk about her sometimes. She says the same thing.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah. Dina… she lost an older sister too. Talia.”

“Yeah.” Abby swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I’ve seen the pictures.”

“Dina loved her a lot. She misses her all the time.”

“I think everyone misses the people they lose.”

“She says you and Ellie make it better. That you make her happy, even when she feels like she shouldn’t be.”

“Where are you going with this, Lev?”

“Do you know what I like about Kay? They’re my best friend. They’re always kind, and funny, and they make me feel better even when I feel like I shouldn’t be happy without Yara.”

“Lev-“

“I think you do the same for Dina, and for Ellie. They look at you… they look at you the way Kay looked at me right before we kissed. And if you’re telling me that I should try for what I want, that I should be happy, then why can’t you do the same thing?”

“It’s different.”

“How?” Lev challenged.

“They- you’re a good person, kid. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and if that means being with Kay, then that’s what you deserve. I don’t deserve Ellie and Dina.”

“Because you’re not a good person? That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not. You- you didn’t know me before we met. The person I was, the things I did. I murdered people, Lev. I didn’t have to, they didn’t deserve to die, but I did it anyway.”

“Proving my point here, Abby.”

“The fuck do you mean?”

“You were a different person then. And maybe that person was bad, but you’ve changed. You’re new, now, and you’re plenty good. I know that. And Dina and Ellie know it too.”

—————————————————————————————————

Dina was a woman unhinged.

The entire house was strewn with decorations, pink and red hearts hanging from doors, the mantle, and cabinets. There were also small hearts taped to the walls, with little handwritten notes and cute drawings. There were more than a few teddy bears on the couches and chairs, and a large paper-mâché heart as a centerpiece on the kitchen table. It was falling apart ever so slightly.

“What do you think?” Dina asked with a grin as Abby took in the explosion of color. “Ellie said the teddy bears may be a bit much.”

“Oh, but the teddy bears were my favorite part,” Abby said, smiling at Ellie’s answering scoff. Dina brightened.

“I knew you’d get it. Ellie thinks I went overboard.”

“Overboard? You? Never.”

“Exactly. I told you.”

“I didn’t say- whatever. I gotta go get Potato from Jesse’s, I’ll drop him off and then I have a watch shift,” Ellie said, grabbing a jacket off the coat hook. Abby dimly recognized it as one that had been hers, but they all had stolen clothes amongst themselves so much that it hardly mattered.

“I’ve got a watch shift in a few minutes too, I’ll walk you to the tower,” Abby offered. Ellie shifted awkwardly for a moment, but then nodded.

“Sure, yeah. I’ll be right back with Potato. Have fun in the Valentine explosion.”

Ellie darted out the door, slamming it shut behind her. Dina narrowed her eyes.

“I think she’s got something planned and isn’t telling me,” she explained to Abby. “I’m trying to figure out what it is, but I’m not fantastic at detective work.”

“Wouldn’t that ruin the surprise?”

“Clearly you don’t understand the spirit of Valentine’s Day.”

“Which is?”

“Winning,” Dina exclaimed vehemently. “Valentine’s Day is about showing your partner how lucky they are by getting them a better gift than they get you.”

“I don’t really think-“

“It’s the whole point, Abigail.”

“Don’t ever fucking call me that.”

“Too late. Look, I need to know what Ellie’s getting me. Could you please ask her when you walk her to the tower?” Dina pleaded. She grabbed Abby’s arms, arranging her face in the most imploring expression Abby thought she was capable of. “Please?”

“I’m not sure I should really get involved.”

“God, you drive a hard fuckin bargain,” Dina muttered. Abby was about to laugh but choked on her breath when Dina dropped to her knees in front of her. “C’mon, I’m begging you. Please, Abby. Please.”

“I-“

The door swung open, saving Abby from letting whatever jumbled mess was in her brain spill from her lips. Ellie entered, carrying a small bundle of blankets in one arm. “Uh. Am I interrupting something, or?”

“Just me begging for my life.” Dina stood, moving to take JJ from Ellie. “Nothing that unusual.”

“Ok, makes sense. You ready to go?” Ellie directed the last part at Abby, who was standing completely still, barely hearing anything.

“Huh?”

“Ready?”

“I- yeah. Uh huh. Sure.”

“Ok. Wait, lemme grab my guitar real quick, I want to practice while I’m up there.”

Abby waited by the door, still feeling as if she was moving through water. She shook her head in an attempt to recalibrate her brain, but seeing Ellie coming down the stairs with her guitar slung over her shoulders actually didn’t make it any easier.

It wasn’t that Abby found musical ability particularly attractive. But there was something about Ellie in a t-shirt quietly strumming that guitar that made her lose some part of her mind. And when Ellie started singing too? Fuck.

Ellie had a voice like a siren and it didn’t take much to make Abby want to abandon ship to be by her side.

“Alright, let’s go,” Ellie opened the door and quickly stepped out, barely giving Abby time to follow.

“You seem kinda keyed up, dude,” Abby said a few minutes into their walk. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine. All good.”

“Ok. It’s just, you know, Dina’s kinda worried-“

“She is? What did she say?”

“Just that you’ve been acting shifty.” Abby was bemused by her friend’s sudden seriousness. “What, you cutting out on her or something?”

“No, sorry, I just.” Ellie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “There’s kind of a lot riding on this Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh holy shit.” Everything made itself obvious at once. “You’re proposing to Dina?”

“What? No!”

Oh. So maybe not everything was obvious. “Well you don’t have to sound so horrified.”

“I’m not-“ Ellie shoved Abby when she saw the grin on her face. “Fuck off, you know I love Dina. I’d marry her in a few years.”

“Yeah? Whole ceremony and all?” God, why was Abby talking about this? Her chest felt like it was caving in.

“Yeah, ceremony and all. We’d have to find her a dress, and I don’t think she’d say yes if I tried to marry her in jeans. A suit, though, I think that’d be good.”

“You’d look good in a suit.”

“So would you. I’m thinking fall, by the way, so block off your entire fall in three years.”

“Oh, I’m attending?”

“Well, yeah, of course, we’d need- um. We’d need a maid of honor.”

“Ellie?”

“Hm?”

“You’re really gonna marry her?”

“Yeah.” Ellie’s voice was steady. “I am.”

“That’s. That’s good. You two, you deserve each other.”

Ellie muttered something, but Abby didn’t catch it. “What was that?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Tell you later. Look, I don’t actually have a watch shift right now. I lied.”

“Oh, I know.”

“What?” Ellie looked incredulously at Abby, who just smiled back. “How’d you know?”

“Dude, you’re a terrible liar. Why would you practice your guitar on watch?”

“It fooled Dina!”

“Dina was just waiting for you to leave so she could tear the house apart looking for your gift to her.”

Ellie tossed her head back and laughed. Abby took a moment, while Ellie was distracted, to just admire how beautiful she was. “She’s something, isn’t she?”

“Oh, definitely.”

They walked in silence for a few moments, a weight lifted from Ellie now that she was no longer lying about their destination.

Although, some odd tension remained.

“So, what are your valentines plans?” Ellie asked awkwardly, scuffing her shoes against the sidewalk.

“Oh, you know. Bottle of whatever I can find, any horror movie Joel’s willing to let me steal, and then passing out on the couch. A date with myself.” Abby was pretty happy with her plans. Lev was gonna be out on a date with Kay (which she had made a point to tease him about) and wouldn’t be back until at least 10. Abby was almost certain she was the only semi-parent with a minimum curfew instead of a maximum. She was locking the doors and if he was home before she unlocked them, he was sitting on the doorstep.

She was so good at this guardian thing.

Ellie, however, looked upset by her evening itinerary. “You’re not going anywhere?”

“No? Where would I go?”

“I don’t know. No cute guys or girls, maybe?”

“No, definitely not. I mean, eligible for both but god, I wouldn’t wish my sorry ass on anyone,” Abby joked. Or at least tried.

Ellie stopped dead in her tracks. “The fuck are you talking about?”

“What?”

“I mean, seriously, what does that mean? You’re amazing, anyone would be lucky to have you.”

Abby scoffed. ”Yeah, ok. Sure, Williams.”

Ellie’s eyes flashed dangerously. “I’m serious.”

“Yeah, and so am I. Have to be a moron to expect anyone to put up with me-“

Within a second, Abby found herself with her back against a brick wall and Ellie standing within inches of her. “Bullshit. You’re one of the best people I know, Abby, so don’t fucking say you don’t deserve someone who sees that.”

Huh. Is this what a heart attack felt like? Abby thought it could be. Who could blame her? All but pinned to a wall by Ellie Williams; anyone would lose their damn mind. Abby looked into the shorter girl’s eyes, seeing determination and ferocity and-

And something else. Something in Dina’s eyes, something warmer, something soft. No less intense, but not fiery. Just warm.

“You see that,” Abby breathed out.

“Yeah. Yeah, fuck, of course I do. Dina does too, we both- we see you, Abby. And you deserve to be seen. God, sometimes it’s hard for us to look away.”

And, oh, fuck, wasn’t that everything she ever wanted.

Wait. Shit. No no no. This was not meant to happen. This wasn’t for her. Ellie and Dina, they were together, hell, Ellie was talking about getting married! They didn’t meant the way she did. They didn’t love her like she loved them.

“That’s… that’s really sweet, Ellie,” Abby forced out. “Thank you.”

Ellie seemed to deflate as she stepped back and the charged moment passed. “Sure. Of course.”

“Well. We better move, have to make sure you have enough time for guitar practice. You serenading her or something?”

“I- yeah. Yeah, that was the plan. Too cheesy?”

“No, she’ll love it.” So would Abby, but she was never gonna be the person Ellie was singing to.

—————

Ellie practiced in the cathedral for around two hours. Abby resolved to give her some privacy for her ‘romantic ballad’ and said she’d wait outside the cathedral, but Ellie just pulled her inside and sat beside her. For the first hour, she only practiced the instrumental part, and Abby damn near fell asleep with how nice it was. The setting sun was shining through the stained glass windows, and Ellie’s gentle strumming drifted through her mind peacefully.

And then Ellie began to sing softly, and Abby wasn’t ashamed to admit that she fell asleep during that part. She couldn’t help it, it was like everything about the situation was designed to be soothing and relaxing.

She was eventually nudged awake by a smiling Ellie. “Hey there, sleeping beauty. You enjoy your nap?”

“Mm,” Abby rolled over onto her stomach, burying her head in her arms. “‘M not movin’.”

Abby felt the ghost of a touch, like a hand running down her back before Ellie spoke again. “You have to, we have to eat dinner.”

“You have to. I don’t have anywhere to be.”

“Yes you do, you’re coming with me.”

“Need me to take JJ for the night?”

“Huh? No, just get up. Come on, Dina’s probably got food waiting.”

Abby finally rose to her feet, grimacing as her spine popped. “Yeah, for you. I have a bottle of whatever and a horror movie, remember?”

“Fine, just walk me back at least? I feel like I might bolt outta Jackson if I don’t have someone with me.”

Abby laid a reassuring hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “Don’t be nervous, you’re gonna do great. The song was really good.”

“How would you know? You fell asleep,” Ellie teased.

“Not my fault, your voice is too damn soft. JJ must love lullabies.”

“Quickest way to knock him out. Didn’t think it’d work on you, though.”

“Yeah yeah, quit your joking and let’s go. You’ve got a future wife to serenade.”

“Let’s hope,” Ellie muttered, gathering up her stuff. They set off quickly, Ellie seeming more and more nervous the closer they got to the house. Honestly, as they turned on to the street, Abby swore Ellie was shaking a little.

She reached out and grabbed her hand, startling Ellie. “Hey,” Abby said, squeezing the hand in hers. “You’re gonna do great. Dina’s gonna love it.”

“She’s not the only one I’m worried about,” Ellie said all in one breath, gripping Abby’s hand tightly.

“What? Shit, Ellie, are you still worried about leaving me alone? I’m fine, I swear. No self-deprecating thoughts on Dina’s favorite holiday.”

“No, it’s just… you’re kinda my best friend, you know that? Dina’s too.”

Huh. Abby hadn’t realized it was possible to be heartbroken and overjoyed at the same time. “Yeah,” she said shakily. “Yeah, you guys are my best friends too.”

“What if we fucked up? Did something stupid? Would you still stick around?”

“What, you planning on shooting me or something?”

“Christ, Abby, no. There’s just… there’s something we both wanna say, and I want to make sure that it won’t change things for the worse.”

Fuck. Could you be dumped without being in a relationship? That’s what this felt like. Shit. What had she done? What had they found out about? The raiders, Owen, the Seraphites? Which of her sins had they finally decided to condemn her for?

“Hey,” Ellie spoke again, squeezing Abby’s hand. “What’s wrong? Shit, I freaked you out, didn’t I? It’s not bad, it’s not bad, I swear. It’s a good thing. I think.”

“You think?”

“Well, we’re happy about it, and we’re hoping you will be too, so I think that helps? I hope?”

“You’re shit at pep talks.”

“Well I didn’t think this would require one! I wasn’t prepared!”

“That’s on you,” Abby said. She straightened up and squared her shoulders, exhaling slowly. “Ok. I’m ready.”

“Oh my god, I’m not taking you to be executed. Lighten up.”

“Well forgive me if I’m a little nervous! I’m not used to surprises,” Abby said as they reached the doorstep.

“Wait, really? Didn’t your friends ever surprise you with gifts or something?”

“I mean, Manny would come with me to the gym sometimes, that was always surprising.”

“Manny?” Ellie asked. Abby smiled ruefully.

“Yeah, he was my roommate.”

“Oh, yeah. I don’t think you’ve said his name before.”

“Probably not.”

“Why?”

Hard to name a ghost. Hard to admit you’re the reason he’s dead. “Just, never have I guess.”

“Hm. Ok, you ready to go in?”

No. “Yes.”

Ellie opened the door and gestured for Abby to go in. “After you.”

The first thing Abby noticed was that the decorations had been rearranged. The hearts on the walls were positioned differently now, made to shape a large heart on the wall next to the couch. The paper mâché heart on the table was gone, replaced by a single lit candle. The light was low, and the couches remained occupied by teddy bears.

One had clearly been a victim of JJ, but was struggling bravely on.

“Hey, you’re back,” Dina emerged from the kitchen. “I just got done with the brownies.”

“Oh fuck yes,” Ellie exclaimed, running over to kiss Dina’s forehead. “You’re the best ever.”

“Damn right. Couldn’t move the couch on my own though.”

“I got it,” Ellie said confidently. She turned to Abby. “Help me move the couch?”

“I thought you had it,” Abby answered teasingly, immediately put at ease just by being in the house with both of them. “Why are we moving the couch?”

“Dina demands a dance floor,” Ellie grinned. “Push on three. One, two, three!”

With a truly herculean effort (in which Abby barely pushed and forced Ellie to do all the heavy lifting) they moved the couch a solid four feet backwards.

“If I want a real dance floor, Williams, I’ll hold a siege on the community center. This is just for fun.”

“Dinner and dancing. That’s a nice date night,” Abby said.

“Better than whisky and a horror movie.”

“How’d you know about that?”

“Joel told me you’ve been pestering him about borrowing Nightmare on Elm Street for a week. Is that seriously your favorite? It’s so ridiculous.”

“That’s why I like it,” Abby argued. “And I haven’t been pestering!”

“It was definitely the exact word he used, so you’ll have to take it up with Joel,” Dina grinned. “Now come on, dinner is bread and soup and the bread’s best when it’s warm out of the oven.”

“You made bread? God, why did I even move out.” Abby all but sprinted toward the kitchen, following Ellie as she had already headed in.

Dina was the best cook. Well, no, it was actually probably Joel, but there was no denying that Dina knew her way around a kitchen. And how to patch up wounds. And how to down whiskey like it was water. Dina was just badass.

And so, so beautiful. Abby looked over at her as she ladled the soup into bowls and just couldn’t breathe for a moment. Dina’s hair, tied back to avoid any mess, spilled over one of her shoulders and Abby felt a sudden impulse to move it to the side and press a kiss to the small freckle there.

The thought was interrupted as Abby was given a bowl of soup. “Thanks,” she said to Dina, not truly trusting herself to speak in more complicated words. “It looks really good.”

She was rewarded by a bright smile. “I hope it is,” Dina said. “It’s the kind of night where everything should be good.”

“And it will be,” Ellie said. “Unless I don’t get bread. Then it’ll be a bloodbath.”

“No blood spilled on Valentine’s day.”

“Wasn’t Saint Valentine executed though?”

“Fuck if I know, I’m not catholic.”

Their meal continued in much the same way, with Ellie and Dina trading jokes and wildly exaggerated stories. They pulled Abby into the conversation every once in a while, but she was mostly content to sit there and listen. Eventually they’d realize that she didn’t deserve this much, so she’d enjoy it while she could.

Well. Maybe not so eventual. As Dina brought out the (delicious looking) brownies, the atmosphere seemed to shift. It became tense, as though the air had become heavier somehow. Dina’s hands shook slightly as she set the plate of brownies down on the table, and Ellie shifted nervously in her seat.

Where there are bullets to be bitten, there’s Abby, ready to bite them. “So what’s this life-changing thing you’ve got to tell me?”

Dina huffed. “You told her already?”

“I just warned her!” Ellie defended. “I thought she should be able to prepare a little! Kinda rude to catch someone off guard about this kind of thing.”

“What kind of thing?”

Dina scoffed at Ellie, but then just… sank into her seat. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“Maybe we start at the beginning,” Ellie said gently, grabbing Dina’s hand and holding it in hers.

“She threatened to gut us at the beginning, that seems like a poor place to start.”

“Wait, start what?” Abby asked.

—————

(The Beginning)

Ellie was a weak lesbian. She knew it to be true, and wasn’t ashamed of that fact. Not weak physically, but god, any girl ever in existence had the power to make her brain shut off.

Which is why she wasn’t even that embarrassed that she tripped over her own feet to look back at the girl following them.

“Seriously?” Dina giggled as Ellie stumbled. “Eyes on the path, Williams.”

“Ok, but you saw her arms, right? Jesus, she could wrestle a bear and win.”

“Oh, I saw her arms,” Dina smirked. “I’m just capable of holding myself together like a normal person.”

“Oh, fuck you, you fell down the stairs the other day because I was only wearing a towel.”

“Whatever. Here’s hoping we get to watch the new girl kick Jesse’s ass in training, he’s getting way too cocky.”

“Shit, I hope it’s the kid that kicks his ass.”

————

(The Competition)

The new girl- Abby- confused Dina.

The kid, Lev, he was ok. Quiet as hell, and kind of confused about some pretty common stuff, but very polite when he actually spoke. And for all his silence, Dina thought she’d actually heard his voice more than Abby’s.

She seemed like a creature of habit. She worked out routinely and spent most of her time with Lev. When she needed anything, she’d really just ask him, and he’d ask Dina. In fact, Dina thought she could count on one hand the amount of times she’d heard the girl’s gruff voice.

Until that night. Dina finished washing the dishes, thinking about the earlier conversation. Lev apparently had a weird childhood, which wasn’t hard to guess just from the scars on his face, but the real surprises came from Abby herself, and it wasn’t just that she had finally heard her speak more than three words.

Her whole story sounded… messy and complicated and honestly very concerning. But there was something about her.

Dina was observant, always had been. So when Abby tensed at the sight of fire, it was noticeable. When she ran her fingers through Lev’s slowly-growing hair, the affection was evident. And in the dim light of the kitchen, talking about things best left behind, the utter exhaustion and regret on her face was clear. Abby may have thought she had a good poker face, but she had nothing on Dina’s perception.

And so it was an easy decision, the next day, to ask Ellie to take Abby to that old boarded-up church she practiced guitar in. And it was easy enough to give away her scant chocolate supply and smile when Abby’s first thought was clearly to give her extra bar to Lev.

————

(The Party)

Ok. So maybe possibly Ellie was just the very slightest bit tipsy. Maybe, perhaps, perchance, perfuckery, she was possibly just a little tiny bit horny too.

Who could blame her? Her girlfriend looked hot as fuck and Abby was-

Wait. Abby? Why Abby? Abby had no effect on her. Abso-fuckin-lutely not, Abby was just a friend. A gorgeous friend, yes, but that was all.

Never mind the arms like tree trunks and the hint of an idea that Abby could probably lift her up like she was using a bench press.

Shit. If that was starting to get her… excited, then she probably did have too much to drink. This party was stupid. Who even made this weirdly strong punch?

She didn’t struggle too much when Jesse started trying to force water on her.

After all, she was very distracted by the entertainment.

----------

(The Patrol)

Dina was the fucking queen of engineering.

And Abby was perhaps the queen of managing to look stunning while also being shell-shocked.

Hm.

Talking to Ellie seemed like something that might be necessary soon.

————

(The Talk)

Ok, so alarms were blaring. Sirens were going off. Red lights were flashing. Hell, Ellie’s whole life was flashing before her eyes.

She was gonna have to move away.

There was no way around it. She would just have to pack up and leave Jackson, sneak away and live off the land until she found somewhere new.

And it wasn’t even her fault!

Well, ok, maybe it was a little bit. She did apparently fall asleep spooning Abby. And perhaps had kissed her forehead a few times. But she stood by that part.

She couldn’t imagine why nobody had ever done that for Abby before. How could anyone not want to- to-

How could anyone not want her?

Except Ellie should want her. Ellie should only want Dina, her beautiful and incredible girlfriend. And she did still want Dina. God, there was no way she couldn’t, no possible world in which her heart didn’t belong to Dina. But waking up next to Abby on the floor stirred something in her, and she really wasn’t sure it was something she could just ignore.

Ellie was pacing when Dina walked in. “We need to talk,” the other girl announced as she shut the door.

Fuck. When did Dina become telepathic? Wait, if she was really telepathic, she could totally hear Ellie’s question and would answer it.

“I’m not telepathic, Ellie,” Dina groaned.

“How did you know-“

“You’re doing that dumb ‘bet there’s a mind-reader in here’ face,” Dina grinned.

“My face isn’t dumb!”

“No, it’s very handsome when you’re not trying to detect superheroes. But we really have something important to talk about.”

Oh. Right. “Abby and I?”

“Abby in general.” Dina nodded. “Why don’t you sit down, ok?”

“What? Are you dumping me?”

“What?” Dina looked shocked. “No! Why would I dump you?”

“I know you saw Abby and I, you put a blanket over us which was really really sweet of you and I’m so sorry, I promise it won’t happen again but also I really kind of wish it could but not because I don’t love you, just because I think I maybe also have feelings for her and I know that’s super selfish of me-“

“I have a crush on her too!” Dina blurted out.

Ellie stopped.

“I… huh?”

“Yeah. I have feelings for her,” Dina said carefully. “And it sounds like you do too?”

“I. Yeah. I do.”

“Ok. So we both have feelings for her. You don’t-“ Dina looked down, fiddled with the zipper of her jacket. “You still want me, right?”

Ellie sat beside her, wrapping an arm around her and letting Dina snuggle into her side. “Of course I do, I always will. It’s just, different with her, I guess. Like, you’re like… butterflies but also fireworks, you know?

“I definitely don’t.”

“And she’s… fireflies and spiced rum. I love butterflies and fireworks, but I also really enjoy fireflies and spiced rum. Does that make sense?”

“Not a bit,” Dina smiled. “But I love you too. And I kinda get it. It’s still similar to loving you, but so different too.”

“So different.”

“Still good though.”

“Oh it’s fucking fantastic.”

Dina barked out a laugh but then went quiet. “Do you think she likes us back?”

Ellie ran her hand up and down Dina’s arm, thinking. Could Abby like them back? She had let Ellie kiss her forehead while she cried, and she had woken them both up so they’d sleep in a real bed. Shit, she’d practically carried them there, taking care of them while they were barely awake. Ellie wasn’t sure if that was out of love or not, but it felt like Abby at least cared.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “But I think she cares about us.”

“Mm. But would she sleep with us?”

Ellie choked on her own breath. “Dina!”

“Is a woman not allowed to be curious?”

—————

(The Crib)

Ellie really didn’t think she should have felt as excited as she did that Joel and Abby got along.

But shit, Joel was basically her father, and it felt important.

Everything about Abby felt important.

————-

(The Baby)

Shit fuck oh my god the baby could not be worth this much pain.

Ellie. Abby. Ellie. Abby. Dina missed-

Wanted-

Needed-

Ellie. Abby.

Fuck.

This baby better be the cutest motherfucker in existence.

—————

(The baby was the cutest motherfucker in existence)

—————

(The Mistake)

Ellie was living out of the boarded-up church.

And yeah, it wasn’t the best. It was a bit moldy, in some spots, and sort of falling apart in others. She could have stayed with Joel but she just… she couldn’t face it.

Dina didn’t want to see her. Would probably never want to see her again. Fuck, she probably wouldn’t want Ellie anywhere near JJ. Who would want a freak of biology around their kid? Someone who had been marked by death the way she had?

She should have known better. She should have expected less.

She shouldn’t be hoping that someone would want her around.

She would leave, she thought as she picked at her guitar absent-mindedly. Pack a bag and go. She wouldn’t ask Joel to come with her, she couldn’t. He was so happy here, with his brother and a safe place to live. She wouldn’t force him to tear himself up and follow her when she didn’t even know where to go-

And then Abby hopped through the window, looking for all the world like one of the angels in the stained glass windows, and Ellie thought maybe there was something divine about this place, even if it wasn’t necessarily holy.

After all, it was where she realized she was in love.

————-

(The Flirting)

Dina and Ellie were both terrible at flirting.

Dina maintained that sending Abby in while Ellie was shirtless was a good move.

Ellie was too flustered to respond.

————-

(The Fall)

When Dina heard that Abby had fallen on duty, looking damn close to death, cold fear flooded her ribs. It consumed her, filling her eyes with unshed tears and her mind with abject terror.

She didn’t really remember how she left the clinic, or how she got to the construction site. She had no memory of bringing Abby back to the clinic, of waiting anxiously while the doctors checked her over.

It was all a blur, a fuzzy, terrifying, thing that Dina was grateful she didn’t remember much of.

She heard the word tumor once and lost it until the nurse reassured her the only test they could run for that had come back negative.

Eventually it was concluded that she was severely overworked. Somewhat dehydrated, but not terribly so. Likely had a tension migraine that Dina didn’t like the sound of at all, and a slight fever. She also needed to eat more, and Dina resolved that Abby would have a well-cooked meal that night, and every night after if she could help it. (Or if she could enlist Joel.)

She probably just needed rest, the nurse told Dina. Probably hasn’t been sleeping well. Probably has just pushed herself through her exhaustion.

Probably hadn’t meant to make Dina feel the way she did when she saw that Ellie had been bitten, when she thought that she wasn’t coming home.

And yet, here they were, with Abby passed out on her couch, barely stirring as Dina gently wiped the sweat off of her face with a cloth.

She looked so peaceful as she slept, Dina thought. So at ease. So very beautiful.

For just a moment, Dina was seized with the urge to press her lips to those of the girl sleeping next to her, but she quickly shook it off.

She and Ellie had an agreement. The first time either of them kissed Abby, they both had to be there. And Dina wasn’t an asshole, nobody can consent if they’re asleep. But god, the second that active consent was there? Dina was going to kiss this girl until she couldn’t breathe. She was going to climb her like a goddamn tree, with Ellie’s help. She was going to wake up early the next morning to make breakfast for both Abby and Ellie and she was going to-

Oh no.

Fuck.

Not this shitty, domestic, being-in-love bullshit again.

Goddamnit.

“Hey Ellie?” Dina called softly.

“Yeah?” Ellie answered from the kitchen. “Hold on, I’m looking for the garlic.”

“I think I’m in love with her.”

“Oh, shit. Same here bro!”

“Never call me that again. Really?”

“Bro is a great pet name, and yes really. Kinda had a moment when she came to get me and bring me back to you after the bite thing.”

“Still sorry about that.”

“I’m sorrier, if that’s a word.” Ellie emerged from the kitchen, coming to sit beside Dina. “So. We’re both in love with her?”

“Seems so.”

“Huh. Have you told her?”

“I only just realized, I’ll need a solid week or two before I even start flirting with her again.”

Ellie glanced at Abby, still dozing, showing no signs of waking. “I don’t know if I can wait that long.”

“C’mon cowboy, what’s a couple of weeks? We could last that long.”

“What about Valentine’s Day?” Ellie suggested. “That’s a good three weeks away, so you’d have time to plan. I could distract her while you get ready, and then we tell her?”

“I don’t know. What if we freak her out? What if she just… doesn’t love us back?”

“Then we do what she wants, what she needs from us. She wants to still be friends, we’re still friends. She wants something more, then we’re something more. I reckon it’s all up to her.”

“Sounded like Joel just then,” Dina teased, smiling when Ellie wrinkled her nose in faux disgust. “I just… I only just realized I love her. I don’t want to drive her away that quick.”

“We’ll see what happens, ok? We’ll see.” Ellie pulled Dina closer and laid a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I have to make sure dinner doesn’t burn. You want to stay with her?”

Dina looked down at Abby, who was slowly burying herself deeper in the couch cushions. She reached out and smoothed some of her hair back from her face. “Yeah, I’ll stay with her.”

“Ok. I love you, yeah?”

“I love you too. So much.”

“She loves you too,” Ellie said. “I know she does. I’m not as oblivious as everyone thinks.”

“She loves you too.”

Ellie shrugged. “We’ll find out.”

“And we’ll be ok no matter what.”

—————

Silence fell as Ellie and Dina finished their story, their long recap of all the moments that they realized there was something there with Abby. They sat anxiously at the table, waiting for an answer.

And Abby couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Fuck, was she even breathing? She wasn’t sure.

They loved her. Dina and Ellie, Ellie and Dina, they loved her. They knew they did, they didn’t even stumble when they said it. Ellie knew she loved her in the church and Dina was slower to figure it out but god, she was looking at Abby and Abby was looking at her and-

A deep cold settled in Abby’s bones. She inhaled sharply in alarm as Dina’s kitchen fell away, faded into a place she recognized. She stared in horror at the aquarium floor, at the puddle of red spreading across the floor, coming from the head of-

Oh god, that was it. She had forgotten. She had thought it was different now, like a fucking moron.

People that Abby loved don’t get to be safe. They don’t end up happy.
And suddenly Abby was back in Dina’s kitchen, but not with the two people she loved looking at her.

Two red puddles spread across the hardwood floor.

Abby jolted back from her chair, shoving herself away from the table violently.

“Abby?” Ellie reached out, no longer bleeding on the floor, now in her seat and looking at Abby in concern. “What is it?”

“I- no. I can’t.” Abby shook her head, looking at everything except the two women sitting in front of her. “This isn’t happening.”

“I. I think it is, Abby,” Dina said gently. “Are you ok?”

“I-“ Abby shuddered, willing the image of Ellie and Dina bleeding out in their own kitchen from her mind. “I can’t do this.”

“Oh.”

Ellie slumped; Dina’s face went blank for a moment before she forced a smile. “Well. That’s ok, of course. Should we send some brownies home with you?”

“I’m-“

“No need to be sorry. Don’t worry about it. Silly of us, honestly.” Dina occupied herself by putting almost half the brownies in a container, handing it off to Abby quickly. “Here, for you and Lev.” Her eyes shone with tears, and Abby’s heart begged her to speak, to tell them she was wrong, that she wanted them more than anything and loved them more than she could say. But her mind shut down the coup her heart was attempting to stage, and she mechanically accepted the container offered to her without a word and began to leave.

“We’ll, uh. We’ll see you around, yeah?” Ellie’s voice was shaky, and Abby couldn’t turn to look at her. Seeing Dina was hard enough, was bad enough that it almost eroded her will entirely. Seeing Ellie trying not to cry? Because of her? She’d never recover.

But it was better than burying them the way she buried everyone else she loved.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be around,” she heard herself stay. She hated how steady her voice was, how uncaring she sounded. If nothing else, she wished they knew how much this hurt her too.

But they didn’t see the tears falling from her eyes, and so they didn’t know at all.

(Lev didn’t even look at the brownies when she arrived home in tears. He took them, put them on the table, and pulled her onto the couch and let her cry until she thought her whole body would shrivel up the way her heart had.)