Gay Panic™
It’s strange how quickly you get used to it.
All the gunfire, mines exploding, aeroplanes zooming past above you. It all just eventually becomes background noise, a weird, brand new sense of normal that you have no choice but to adapt to while you’re at war.
However, there was always one sound Callum swore he would never get used to.
The screaming.
He hated the screaming, he hated what it meant, and he hated, absolutely despised the fact that he probably wouldn’t be able to help, not in any meaningful way at least.
As a medical officer, it was Callum’s job to save these men, to put them back together, even though most of the time all he could do was delay the inevitable.
He could even hear them now when he was meant to be listening to his best friend, Dr Frankie Lewis. They were just outside the regimental aid post, sitting down in the dirt. It had been set up relatively close to the battlefield, maybe 250-300 yards away from the front line. Unlike at Callum’s last post where it had been in a dug out, they’d been lucky enough to find a ruined building to set up in. Callum preferred working in buildings, dug outs always feeling far too claustrophobic for the frenzy that was emergency war medicine.
Frankie had found him while he was eating in between shifts and joined him without invitation. They were both medical officers at the aid post, but they had known each other since their last base, when they had both been assigned to a dressing station. All they had done in the first couple of hours of being stationed was nod politely at each other, not really having a reason to speak while they weren’t actively treating patients, until Frankie realised Callum knew sign. They had been introducing themselves properly when Callum signed his words, looking sheepish when he realised and explained with a ”sorry, force of habit”. When Frankie gasped and started frantically signing back at him he had been overcome with joy and replied in turn.
They’d had a strong friendship ever since.
She hadn’t actually needed any invitation to sit down, not since a particular late night of talking about the emotional toll of being a MO. Callum had believed it was just him, that he’d been the only one to be caving in under the bloody, bullet-ridden weight that came with the job. It had turned out that he’d been completely wrong, as punctuated by Frankie furiously signing at him how stupid he was when he told her he was just as weak as his father had always said. She went on to tell him how isolating it was, being a deaf woman in the medical field, how she felt she had no one to confide in, how she definitely understood the weight he had described. Ever since, they had a deal to not let each other dwell too often, that whenever they saw the other looking particularly gloomy they would always make time to cheer the other up.
It was a nice friendship.
“Callum, oi!” Frankie called, waving a hand obnoxiously in front of Callum’s face.
Usually.
He pushed her hand away with a long-suffering sigh and asked “what?”
“God, anyone would think that you’re the deaf one here” she said, hitting his shoulder slightly with a cheeky grin “I was trying to ask you what you think about the new boys”
“Dunno, haven’t met any of them yet” Callum replied, eyes drifting away as he crossed his arms.
Yesterday a brand new batch of soldiers had arrived at the base, rotating out one of the last platoon stationed there. They were nothing special, as far as Callum could tell, just a group of men fighting for their country for whatever reason, no captain americas to be seen.
Well, maybe one of them was slightly, not not special.
Callum had seen him jumping out of the truck with the rest of the new soldiers on his way to the medical tent. The man had been receiving instructions from his lieutenant, but for whatever reason Callum couldn’t tear his eyes away, oddly enamoured with the soldier. He looked around Callum’s age, had floppy brown hair, obviously in need of a cut, a strong build, and the stormiest grey eyes Callum had ever seen on a person. It was only when the man’s group walked off that he snapped out of it and kept walking.
“Why are you acting so suspicious?” Frankie asked, amused intrigue lacing her words, effectively jolting Callum out of the memory of the guy.
“I-I’m not!” Callum defended, gaze snapping back forward.
Frankie just gave him a look that screamed ‘are you shitting me’ “I can tell when you’re lying, Callum”
Callum sighed, sat forward, and rubbed his face, hands lingering as he rested his chin on his fists “maybe one of them is, maybe, just slightly” he quickly glanced around to make sure they weren’t being listened in on, before thinking better of speaking and quickly signing “one of them is kind of handsome”
Frankie gasped happily and leaned forward too, mirroring Callum, before frantically signing back “you’ve got a crush!”
Callum shifted uncomfortably, eyes skittishly darting back around the yard. Rationally, he knew no one would be able to understand what they were talking about, if someone else knew sign Frankie would know, but 28 years of having to keep his being gay a secret had made Callum just a little paranoid.
“Maybe? I don’t know!” Callum signed, movements small and quick, his face conorting uncomfortably.
Now it was Frankie’s eyes scanning the yard, searching each soldier’s face “which one?”
“He’s not here, I think he’s digging in the trench”
Frankie giggled and asked “You know his schedule?” looking happier than she did when she found out Callum knew sign.
“I might’ve been looking at the rota and his name just happened to catch my eye” Callum signed, slow and heavy with shame. In Callum’s defence he had been looking for his own shifts, and if he’d already known them well, Frankie didn’t need to know.
“You know his name?”
“Shut up!”
Frankie giggled and nudged his knee with hers “wow, someone’s infatuated”
“I am not!” Callum signed, moving quick and furiously, “I just think he’s attractive, and besides, is not like anything can happen.”
Frankie’s smile dimmed slightly, and she shifted closer to him “You don’t know that, maybe he’s, you know, like us”
Callum scoffed quietly and leaned back, bringing one knee up to his chest. They had found out the other was gay when Frankie had accidently injected some Polari into a sentence, and after gaping for a moment Callum responded with some himself. It had been like feeling a proper connection for the first time, finally finding someone who was the same. It had been amazing, a perfect, once in a lifetime moment.
A once in a lifetime moment.
“You know that there’s no way Frankie”
Frankie sighed, and looked at him with the same determination in her eyes she had before pulling off a medical miracle “there was meant to be no way a woman could become a doctor, but I did it, so maybe there’s a way you could have something with this guy”
At Callum’s eye roll of disbelief she added “you deserve it”
Thrown off guard by the sentiment Callum sat stunned for a moment, trying to process Frankie’s words “what’s got you being so hopeful? I thought you were more of a realist”
Frankie laughed slightly, looking down, “I, just might, also have a bit of a crush, and if you have a chance then, you know” she took a deep breath “maybe I do too”
Callum looked at her incredulously, gasping for air “You what? Who?!”
Frankie just smiled a shit-eating grin and got up, tapping her nose “It’s my shift in a couple of minutes, see ya!” she called, walking away before Callum could sign anything in reply.
Callum looked down at his watch, and realised that he was meant to start working his own shift soon. Groaning, he got up, stretching his tired muscles, and walked off into the aid station.
XxXxXxX
“What are you staring at?” Frankie asked, causing Callum to hit his head off the shelf above the one he was restocking.
Well, meant to be restocking.
Rubbing at his injury Callum stood up straight and gave Frankie a pointed glare of ‘what was that for?’
Frankie just looked at him unimpressed and said, “don’t give me that look, knowing you, you would've done that whether I had said anything or not” and finished by signing “idiot”
Callum just laughed slightly and signed “what did you say?”
“I said!” Frankie began, much louder than she knew was needed “what were you staring at?!”
“Nothing”Callum answered, far too quickly to be believable.
Frankie’s face lit up with glee and she whipped her eyes around the station “is he here?” she exclaimed, almost jumping with joy.
Callum grabbed her arm to pull her into a nearby empty corner “not so loud!” he signed “what if he hears you?”
“So he is here!” Frankie’s face was engulfed by her smile, and it was so infectious that Callum could feel the corners of his mouth tugging themselves up despite himself.
He let out a long sigh and signed a small “yes.”
“Sorry, do that again Callum, couldn’t see that” Frankie sassed, looking like that cat who got the cream.
“He is here!” Callum signed, overexaggerating his movements out of pettiness.
“Well where is he then?”
Callum hesitated slightly, before realising that he would never hear the end of it if he didn’t tell her.
“He’s over there talking to Nurse Dean” Callum signed, refusing to look over himself in case the guy saw. Frankie on the other hand whipped her head over so quick Callum had half a mind to check her for fractured vertebrae.
She stood quietly for a minute before signing “he’s looking at you”
Callum’s world immediately tilted on its axis.
“He’s what?!” Callum signed, now more resolute than ever to not look, which was unhelped by his overwhelming need to do the opposite.
Why was the man looking at him? Callum was sure they had never met before, so what if he knew Calum liked him? What if he knew Callum was gay? What if he was just deciding when to tell the higher ups? All these questions and more shot through Callum’s brain like a bullet, leaving him reeling.
“Yeah, maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I believe he’s checking you out” Frankie signed, after turning her head back to Callum so that they could communicate properly.
A dismissive scoff punched its way through Callum in between his panicked breaths.
“I’m serious! If I know what checking someone out looks like, and I do, that’s what he was doing” Frankie implored, with even the look in her eyes screaming ‘he likes you dumbass!’
Callum attempted to look even slightly put together, and panickedly signed “is he still looking?”
Frankie looked back over and shook her head.
Callum took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and glanced over to the soldier. He was still talking to Nurse Dean, Whitney, as Callum had come to know her, and God was he just as stunning as the first time Callum had seen him. He had a smudge of dirt just under his left cheekbone, extenuating it, and his hair was sweaty and pushed back, steel eyes in full view.
Callum felt his soul cry a little.
He looked back at Frankie, his face pain-ridden “Frankie, help me, he’s even more attractive than when I first saw him”
Frankie just laughed at his pain, and tapped his chin lightly “get a grip, Callum, he’s just a man”
“Yeah, but a ridiculously handsome man!”
A laugh came from the otherside of the room.
And Callum felt his muscles seize up.
“Please don’t tell me” Callum breathed out, and Frankie just giggled again.
“Frankie” Callum began, both elated to hear what the man sounds like and praying that it wasn’t him, “please don't tell me it was who I think was that just laughed”
“Well to do that I’d have to lie, Callum, sorry” Frankie replied, looking like she wasn’t going to let Callum live this down for a long time.
Knowing her, Callum thought, she wouldn’t.
Hey, remember that time the guy you fancied laughed and you nearly died?
Frankie, please.
Callum groaned “why is he laughing? Did I just do something stupid?” Callum asked, hands moving so quickly he wondered if Frankie could even understand him.
“Callum, darling, calm down” Frankie instructed, her face in an expression of pure fond amusement. “He probably just laughed at something Whitney said”
Callum let out a sigh and signed “yeah, you’re probably right” before shoving his head into his hands in worry. After a few seconds however he remembered that the guy might be looking at him again, and quickly shot his head back up to look back at Frankie. However, when he looked at her, she had her eyes firmly trained at a spot just over Callum’s shoulder, a look of awe on her face.
Callum tapped her arm to get her attention. She kept staring for a moment before her gaze startled back to Callum, a blush rising to her cheeks.
“What are you looking at?” Callum asked, a grin creeping onto his face. He knew that expression, it was the one he’d had on just before Frankie had interrupted him.
“Nothing” Frankie signed, before adding “don’t you dare turn around”
Naturally, Callum spun around. Ignoring Frankie’s squawk of protest he observed a nurse organising a shelf like the one Callum had been stocking. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun at the bottom of her head on account of her hat and she wore the standard grey nursing dress. Callum laughed breathily, realising this was the woman Frankie had alluded to.
He turned back around to confirm his suspicions “so, I’m guessing you’re not looking at the poster on the wall”
Frankie glared at him, betrayed, before deflating, closing her eyes briefly, and nodding. Callum smiled gleefully and signed “she’s pretty”
“Uh and how would you know?” Frankie signed snarkily, her cheeky grin starting to spread back across her face.
Callum looked at her incredulously “I’m gay Frankie, not blind”
Frankie rolled her eyes “I suppose you’ve got a point, I can also see that your man ain’t half bad looking”
Callum laughed and signed “I know, right?”
They smiled at each other contentally, not for the first time realising how lucky they were to have found each other.
Their moment ended abruptly, however, as from behind Callum, in a booming voice, came “Halfway! That you?”
Surprised, Callum spun around, before smiling so wide he thought his face would split open “Mick! Oh it’s good to see you mate.”
Behind Callum was a man slightly shorter and older than himself, dressed in a soldier’s uniform with a huge grin spread across his face. Before Callum could say anything else he was pulled in roughly for a massive bear hug. The two men clapped each other on the back a couple of times before pulling back.
“Uh, who’s this?” Frankie asked, standing perplexed behind the two.
“Mick Carter, darling,” Mick said, reaching out a hand to Frankie “I know Callum from Walford”
Frankie smiled politely and took Mick’s hand, eyes darting back to Callum’s to signal him to explain further.
“Mick owned the bar I used to work at during uni” Callum signed quickly.
Frankie’s eyes lit up with understanding, silently mouthing an ‘oh’ before signing “Queen Victoria Mick? The one that’s basically your dad?”
“That’s the one” Callum confirmed, smiling happily. He never spoke about his biological father, since all of the stories he had about him were upsetting, to say the least, but he always worked Mick into conversation whenever he could. If he and Frankie were drinking he would talk about how Mick would have served them if they had been at the Vic, if they were measuring out medicine he would mention how Mick alwaysmeasured out the exact right amount of drink, everytime without fail, when they were walking from their tents to the aid post he would reminisce on the walks he, Mick, and Linda would take through Walford on nights out.
Honestly, Callum was surprised Frankie didn’t immediately recognise him by his name.
Mick tapped Callum’s arm jovially, and asked “what you saying about me over there Callum, I swear I saw my name”
Callum laughed and nudged Mick’s shoulder with his own “nothing but good, don’t you worry”
Mick grinned, then turned to Frankie conspiratorially and said “all lies my girl,” causing the three of them to laugh.
It made Callum happy to see the two hit it off. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if they hated each other.
“So Mick” Frankie began, hands fiddling with her stethoscope “did you come with the new guys yesterday?”
“Sure did, sure did, lovely bunch of lads” Mick confirmed, shoving his hands into his pockets, keeping his posture open and welcoming “don’t half make fun of me for being the oldest though”
“Oh yeah?” Callum laughed “who’s the worst”
Mick smiled and ducked his head slightly, before answering “this snarky young guy, Ben Mitchell, about your age I think”
Callum froze and laughed nervously “i-is that so?”
He locked eyes with Frankie, who was looking at him with confusion at his sudden change in mood, and he signed “the guy!”
Understanding blossomed across Frankie’s face, but didn’t sign anything as to not alert Mick.
Unaware of Callum’s panic, Mick continued “I hated him when I first met him mind you, but once you get to know him he’s a lovely boy, saved my life in the last battle we was in”
“How so?” Frankie asked.
“Nearly ran over a landmine but Ben had sharp eyes and pulled me back” Mick explained, smile more sombre than before “wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for him”
“Wow Mick, that’s a little surreal” Callum said, wondering how a man he hadn’t even met could make such a difference in his life. Callum wasn’t stupid, he knew when Mick got drafted there was a chance he wouldn’t see his friend ever again, but it was never something he had accepted. Knowing how close he came to being forced to accept it disconcerted Callum greatly.
“Yeah I know” Mick agreed, voice low, before darting his eyes away exclaiming “well, speak of the Devil!”
To Callum’s absolute horror, the man - Ben - had walked up to their little group, clasping Mick’s shoulder in greeting.
“Alright Mick? Not chatting any shit about me are you?” Ben laughed before looking up at Callum.
Callum felt himself melt.
After a moment of nerve wracking eye contact, Ben said “alright mate?” to Callum.
“I-uh, y-yeah, yourself?” Callum replied, mentally kicking himself.
Coming to his rescue, Frankie reached a hand towards Ben “hi, I’m Dr Frankie Lewis, that’s mine and Mick’s best mate Dr Callum Highway”
Ben averted his gaze towards Frankie, allowing Callum to start breathing again, and shook her hand “ooooh, a couple of brainbox doctors are you?”
“We’re not a couple” Callum blurted out, causing him to wince at his own social ineptitude.
Frankie looked at him as if to say ‘for the love of God, please shut the fuck up,’ and Ben looked at him as if to say ‘wow what a fucking idiot, I need to make sure to never speak with him ever again.’
Or so Callum thought.
“Alright alright” Ben said, holding his hands up in apology, an easy, beautiful smile on his face that Callum would love to kiss silly and-
Callum mentally dunked himself in a bucket of cold water.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that.” Ben said, before turning to Mick “I came over to say we’re all needed in the trenches like, now”
Mick groaned and rubbed his eyes “honestly, we’ve been digging all day and now they want us to do more? Running the Vic was less tiring than this”
Callum sympathetically patted him on the back and said “c’mon Mick, I know you’re getting up there but you’re not so old that you can’t handle a little digging, surely”
Mick groaned louder and hit Callum in the side in retaliation. Callum went to hit Mick back when Ben started laughing, and Callum swore it was the most amazing sound he’d ever heard in his life.
Callum faltered for a second, before a subtle kick in the shin from Frankie reminded him where he was.
“I’ll see you down there Mick” Ben chuckled, before sticking his hand out at Callum, who thankfully grabbed it before things became awkward again “nice meeting you, Doc, hope we see more of each other”
“Uh, you too mate” Callum replied, and shook Ben’s hand a little more vigorously than was strictly necessary.
“You as well Lewis!” Ben said, looking directly at Frankie as he did so, before walking out of the tent.
“Well, I’d better head as well” Mick said, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck in preparation for the work that was before him “see you two!”
“Bye Mick” Callum called after Mick as he walked off, before collapsing onto a nearby chair.
“Was that as painful as I thought it was?” he asked Frankie, feeling more sorry for himself than he had ever felt in his life.
Frankie crouched down so that they were eye level, and smiled at him the way she did whenever she delivered bad news to a patient. Patting his knee sympathetically she stuck out her pinkies, bringing them together momentarily, and pulled them apart, signing just one word.
“Worse.”