Chapter 3
You remember the first time you saw Yongsun. You were impatiently waiting in a busy cafe in the heart of Seoul. It was loud with chatter and commotion coming from the kitchen. You tried to focus on the fresh smell of coffee and baked goods, but you were more interested in the clock above the counter. Your date was already 5 minutes late. You didn’t have high expectations, this was a Tinder date after all. But the girl was cute and you were understandably excited. Just as you were about to ask Wheein wheter it would be too annoying to text to see if she was ok, the cafe’s door was whipped open.
Then. You saw her.
Her hair was messy and her cheeks were reddened, she was still panting from running to the cafe. She still looked gorgeous, even more than in the photos. You felt yourself go completely numb. She spotted you from the door and smiled lightly, but you just stood there dumbfounded.
She sat opposite of you and started showering you with apologise for being late. You just smiled, finally gaining back your composure, and asked her what she would like to drink.
You spent hours just talking and joking. You will never forget how she looked that day. She was wearing a soft beige sweater that was too big for her, she looked so cute you just wanted to squish her in a hug. Her hair was a darker brown, long and flowy, it framed her face perfectly. She scrunched her eyes while she smiled and had the loudest laugh, all your stupid jokes managed to crack her up. She tried to act formal, but with every joke, she started to let her guard down. At one point she laughed so hard, she spilled her coffee. That’s when you knew you could love this smiling idiot for the rest of your life.
It’s strange.
It’s strange seeing her months after your break up in the same cafe. She still remembed it as well, she pointedly told you she frequented it during her lunch break in a text a couple of days ago. You don’t know what devil possessed you to go there as well. You just couldn’t stop thinking about it and when your walk with Wheein brought you in the same neighbourhood you couldn’t resist passing by in hopes of stealing a glance at Yongsun.
The thing is Wheein had no idea what you were trying to do. You were sure she was going to stop you in your tracks. As a matter of fact your best friend had to idea you and your ex were texting in the first place. You can’t imagine how much that would piss her off. You’re pretty sure Wheein was even angrier at Yongsun than you were, if that was possible. They used to be pretty close, but in the end of the day she was your friend first and after Yongsun cheated, your best friend was ready to hunt her down and decapitate her. You try your best to block her view of the cafe, if she saw Yongsun right now you don’t know how she would react. At best Wheein would want you to go home, but you still wanted to see her as close as possible.
You don’t even know why you want to see her. It’s not like you were getting back together. Both of you knew that very well. You made it clear in the beginning of your text escapade. It’s not even like you’ve been texting that much. She told you she was sorry, asked you how you were, you asked her how she was just in the name of good manners. She went on about how hard she’s been coping the last couple of months, told you she frequented places from your past, you left her on seen a couple of times, cried more than usual and told her to get a hobby and that it would help her cope. Then you cried some more and decided texting her wasn’t a good idea, that having any sort of contact with her wasn’t a good idea. And yet. Here you were.
You finally got close enough to the cafe to be able to peek through its long glass windows. You squated like you wanted to tie your shoelaces, so Wheein would stop for a bit. You tried to look around the cafe, but at first didn’t find her at any of the tables. Then, at the one furthest in the back, you spotted her. The grip of your hands softened and you let out a small breath.
You remember how she looked the first time you met her at the cafe. Happy, maybe a bit naive, but free. All of that was nothing more than a memory. Right now she was surrounded by stacks of paper, she had her eyes fixated on her laptop, while one of her hands was ruffling her hair. She looked angry, stressed and tired. You felt bad for her, you knew she could get too invested in her work, but you never imagined it could get this serious. Then she looked at you and suddenly her eyes changed. You were paralized in your tracks, while her gaze was unwavering. She looked shocked, confused and most of all… sad.
You got up from your feet in a second and sprinted ahead. Wheein was busy looking at her phone and started yelling behind you when she realised you had went ahead.
You walked and walked until you were at least a couple of blocks ahead of the cafe. Your heart was racing and you still couldn’t catch your breath. Hundreds of thoughts were racing through your head. You felt like you were on the edge of a heartattack.
“What the fuck happened? Why did you run off like that”, Wheein finally managed to catch up.
“Nothing, I just saw a spider on the ground.”
Wheein huffed and sat on the pavement next to you, while she also tried to catch her breath. You sat next to her and for a couple of minutes both of you just enjoyed the silence that started to linger over you. There were few people passing by and not a single car went down the calm road ahead of you. For a minute, you could feel at peace, you could concentrate on the small rustling of the trees on the sidewalk, the soft laughs of the kids playing in a nearby alley, you could try to forget about the girl in the coffee shop a couple of blocks away.
“She was there, wasn’t she?”
You don’t answer. Wheein doesn’t say anything else. You feel your heart picking up again. You try to calm yourself down, but then you feel your phone vibrate. You know who it's from. Panic starts to set it, when Wheein turns to you.
“You’re stronger than you think, ok?”
You look into her soft brown eyes and for a minute you believe her. She helps you get up and walks you home in silence. You hug her tightly at the door and thank her at least 10 times for being there for you. She just smiles at you and tells you to take care of yourself. You promise her you will.
The moment you reach your apartment you unlock your phone and realise you aren’t as strong after all.
Yongsun
I hoped you would stay
But I’m happy I saw you, even if it was just for a while
You get angry. Why was she acting like she missed you so much, when she was the one to fuck this whole thing up. You don’t respond. You go take a hot shower and promise yourself you’re gonna block her right away after you get out. The hot water manages to calm you down a bit. You hope the water will wash away all that is left of your feelings for her. You get out and the first thing you do is open your messages again.
Moonbyul
Don’t act like you miss me
Like you ever cared
Yongsun
I cared
I still do
Moonbyul
If you cared, you would leave me alone
Yongsun
If that’s what you want
You laugh at yourself. She’s giving you a way out and both of you know, you won’t take it.
Moonbyul
What do YOU want
Why are you texting me
A couple of minutes pass. You think she may have fallen asleep so you get ready for bed as well. Just as you are about to fall asleep, you hear another ping from your phone.
Yongsun
I don’t know
Moonbyul
This isn’t healthy
For either of us
I shouldn’t have come to see you today
And you shouldn’t have told me where you would be
You knew I would come
Yongsun
I did
You always came, when I asked
Moonbyul
How come you never got tired of using me
You throw your phone and try to go asleep. Then it pings again. You keep your eyes shut still. Then you sight and reach for it again.
Yongsun
I’m sorry
Moonbyul
You said that already
Yongsun
What else do you want me to say?
Moonbyul
I don’t know
Yongsun
What do you want?
You think for a bit. You’ve been feeling a numbing pain in your chest since this conversation started. All you want is for it to go away.
Moonbyul
Why did you cheat?
Wasn’t I enough?
Yongsun doesn’t answer for a couple of minutes and you decide to give up on this useless conversation. You have never felt so tired and fall asleep not long after you've thrown your phone away. You don’t hear when you receive the last message for the night.
Yongsun
You were always enough.