Chapter 4
It starts out slow. A couple of texts a day. You block her for a week. Then you unblock her late at night, when you can’t get sleep. You text a bit more often. She tells you this was a bad idea and both of you stop. Then you start again. It goes on slow, so slow, some days you manage to lie to yourself that this isn’t going anywhere, but in reality you can feel yourself falling again.
You think you never really stopped loving her. No matter what she did, she still was the same Yongsun that smiled at puppy videos on her phone and always showed you her screen, that made you coffee in the morning and cuddled you until you fell asleep at night, the same Yongsun that has been sending you songs that made her think about you almost everyday.
You think about her everyday too. You think about how much you still love her and how much you fucking hate her. Somedays you tell her her songs are shit just to hurt her, you start useless fights just to fuck with her, you call her just to argue. Sometimes you think you only love being able to hurt her because she broke your heart.
Somedays both of you don’t reach out. She doesn’t send you songs, she doesn’t try to convince you she’s sorry. You don’t try to call her because you miss her voice and you don’t text her just to tell her how much she hurt you. In those days you go through your day seemingly normal. You think about her for a second or two, while finishing up some emails for your job or while waiting for Wheein at the dinner place, but then you get out of your thoughts and every memory of her is gone. Sometimes you feel like things are getting better, like maybe you are on your way to recovery. You see a cute girl at the dinner place or watch a rom-com at home after work and think how one day you could move on.
Today was one of those days. Then she texted you at 2am and you couldn’t help but answer.
You wait for a couple of minutes, because you want to fake some dignity, but finally you give in.
Yongsun
How are you?
Moonbyul
Its 2 am
I am asleep
Yongsun
Sorry for waking you
Moonbyul
What’s up?
Yongsun
I couldn’t sleep
Idk
You look at your phone for a while. You contemplate just throwing it away and falling back to sleep. Maybe she would send some more messages and you wouldn’t be able to resist getting up to see what she said. You contemplate blocking her altogether. Maybe that was all that you needed to do, maybe after you blocked her you could finally move on.
Moonbyul
Wanna go for a walk?
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The night is chilly and the moon is screaming at you what a bad idea this was. You pace around the fountain you were supposed to meet Yongsun at. The trees in the park looked menacing in the dark, like giant figures waiting to snatch you if your guard was down for too long. You looked around periodically feeling how your anxiety was going off the charts. This was a small dog park at the back of your apartment complex, there were buildings all around it and police cars patrolled nearby, but you were still super creeped out.
When she came out between the trees you almost jumped, but managed to keep your calm. Then you saw Yongsun under the soft moonlight, still dressed in her pajamas with a giant fur coat over and almost cracked a smile. But you couldn’t lose your composure.
“Hello.”
She looked at you with a bit of a weird look then chuckled softly. She sat at the edge of the fountain and gestured to the space beside her. You stayed still.
“Come on. Just sit. Don’t act so cold, you were the one that wanted us to meet.”
You scoff but finally do sit down. You look ahead at the trees that were now being ruffled by the wind. You take a deep breath and relax. Maybe there was no use keeping a facade. Or you were too tired for it now at least.
You look at her and see her wiggling in her coat trying to keep warm. You feel a small smile forming.
“I hate this park. It’s always windy”
“It’s because it’s surrounded by buildings and they trap the wind and create currents”, you can hear yourself saying.
Yongsun nods quietly and starts glancing at her feet awkwardly. You smile a little more and just breathe in more deeply. Then you breathe out.
“I think I’ve missed you”, you know this was a bad idea, but decide you don’t care anymore.
“I missed you too.”
You don’t say anything else for the rest of the night. You both just look at the stars above you and for the first time in forever you felt free, you felt like you could heal. Maybe moving on meant embracing your past first.