Bookworms

Grian didn’t know what to do. He’s such an idiot. Here he was staring at a text message from his ex-boyfriend, while sitting in Scars library. Just a single text saying “I miss you.” Haunting Grian. He hated him. He wished he could hate him more. But despite the abuse, despite the hateful words, despite everything his ex had done. Grian knows he would feel comfortable just one more time in Keon’s arms.

Despite how he felt, he couldn’t bring himself to reply. Not yet at least. He couldn’t think about the disappointing look Mumbo would give him if he would go back. He doesn’t think he could forgive himself. It’s been months and he’s worked so hard to get over everything he lost but now it feels like it was all thrown out the window with three simple words.

And here he was still chasing the high of finding a new love with Scar. He thinks he likes Scar but isn’t sure. Scar makes Grian feel happy and confident. Never telling him to stop talking or giving him an annoyed look. It was what Grian was reaching for but now he was being pulled back. Three years with a single man, he couldn’t think of starting a new relationship. Grian was at a crossroads and didn’t know which path to take. He could forget about his ex and move on with Scar. Or he could go down the path that he’s been down before and choose to be with Keon. He knows what’s right. HE KNOWS. And yet it’s still a difficult decision for him. He can only remember how much he loved Keon and that’s what’s holding him back. That familiar feeling, whether it was true love or not. He had a crush on Scar and a long past with Keon. He needed to make a choice. Because if he didn’t, he’d be in deep water.

“Hey you in there?” Scar was waving his hand in front of Grians face. Grian was sitting down and turned to his left to look up at Scar. Scar leaned over a bit to get a better look at Grians face but he also had a puzzled look. He had been helping a guest with something Grian didn’t pay attention to and now he hadn’t realized Scar was back. “I was talking to you, G, and I wasn’t getting a response. Something on your mind?”

Grian turned his head away so his and Scars eyes were no longer meeting. “No,” there was a small pause, Scar acknowledging that Grian was lying to him through silence. “I mean, yes. But I don’t want to talk about it so don’t ask.” Grian crosses his arms and pulls one leg over the other.

He just here’s a small chuckle from Scar. “I wasn’t going to pressure you to talk anyways, Grian. I’m always here if you need someone to listen to you.”

That was another thing about Scar. He always wanted to listen to what Grian had to say. ALWAYS. It was always ‘G, what do you think?’ Or ‘tell me more about that,’ or, just Scar asking about Grians day and listening to every little detail and asking for more information just to keep Grian talking. It was so strange for Grian to experience. No one besides Mumbo wanted to listen to his rants and even sometimes Mumbo didn’t want to hear them all. He loved that so much about Scar. That was his favorite quality about Scar. Well, besides the way Scar looked at him. His eyes looked so full of something that was foreign to Grian and Grian could never hold eye contact for very long because of it. It made him nervous and he couldn’t help the way it made his heart beat a bit faster. Scar always made Grian feel cared for and considered.

“Thank you, Scar. But I don’t think I’m comfortable talking about it this time.”

“No problem.” Scar quickly changes the subject. “How excited are you to go to the beach today? I’ve got our books all packed up and I’ve got chairs in my car along with a huge umbrella. I used to love going to the beach, so I’ve got all sorts of stuff for beach reads.” Scar sits down in his chair besides Grian, settling back into their conversation.

Grian relaxes a bit and unfolds his arms, resting them on his knee. “Got sunscreen? I burn easily.”

“Of course, of course!” Scar nods his head. “Anything else I can interest you in?” He sounded chipper almost like he was selling goods to a buyer. Grian knew the voice all too well and loved to play along.

“Snacks? And water as well?” Grian played along, leaning forward in his chair getting closer to scar.

“Of course! Only your favorites and I got us both water bottles filled with ice water.”

“You’re just the sweetest Scar. Thank you.” Grian patted Scars forearm and gave him a smile. It was just cute to watch Scar turn red and smile back at him, trying to play cool.

“Anything for a friend.” Scar gave Grian his full attention with that look in his eyes again that made him look away. This felt like puppy love. They would flirt a little from time to time but Grian could never tell if they were joking or not. It all felt real, and yet nothing ever grew past the occasional moment they would share. Grian knows Scar isn’t going to confess. He’s waiting on Grian to show more signs and Grian has been holding off on continuing the relationship because he is still caught in the past. Scared of starting something new and weary of going backwards. Grian just keeps telling himself if he waits longer and thinks on it, he’ll know for certain what he wants to do.

Grian pulls his hand away and continues the conversation. “So, how many chapters are we planning on reading?”

“Oh, well the book is around 16 chapters so I say we read between 2-3?”

“Ugh, so it’s a short book?”

“No no no, it’s long, the chapters just go on for a while. The total number of pages is nearly 500. So we'll be sitting pretty while.”

“Yes! I’m so excited!”

“Also this book, its main focus is the plot and not necessarily the romance aspect. Of course the main character's relationship is a key part in everything that happens but it’s a subplot for the main focus.”

“That’s just as good though! Watching the main plot affect their relationship is so cool. I think you chose a good book, Scar.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Suddenly Grians phone begins to ring and it starts Grian for a second. He quickly pulls his phone out of his back pocket and checks the caller ID.

It’s him.

He sighs and silences his phone before shoving it back in his pocket. He doesn’t need to think about Keon right now. He wants to be happy and focus on Scar and this book they’re going to read. It still makes his heart ache a little when the thought of Keon thinking about him crosses his mind.

“Who was that?” Scar leaned closer, being a little intrusive.

“No one important.” He was very blunt and brief, his tone coming off a bit prickly. “Sorry, uhm, why don’t we get the library ready to close? It’s already 4:30 and I don’t mind helping to speed up the process.”

Scar just gave him an unreadable look before silently nodding his head. It made Grian feel guilty and ashamed for using such a tone when he knows Scar is just curious and cares. “I’m sorry Scar. I didn’t mean to come off as rude. I hope I didn’t make you upset.”

“Nope, I’m all good! Let’s get started okay? Don’t sweat it.” Scar gives his cheeky smile and gets up to start the closing process. Grian sighs and gets up after him.

It takes them a while to get it all done, Scar had to keep popping off to help customers right before shutting and locking the doors at 5:00. Grian was wiping down windows when he heard Scar come behind him. “Thanks for the help, G. You didn’t have to help y'know.”

“I wanted to! I don’t mind helping you out! Plus, you spend less time on your legs.”

“Oh, so considerate of you, Grian.” Grian looks behind him and just finds Scar staring at him with a stupid smirk. The light was pooping in from the window behind him, lighting up Scars face in the perfect way, showing off all his features. Showing the natural highlights in Scars dark brown hair and his green eyes that seemed much brighter. He sure was a sight for sore eyes. Grian actually found it impressive that Scar had no partner. If he did, he never mentioned it and Grian highly doubted Scar would flirt with Grian even a little if he did.

He forces himself to look away and takes steps towards Scar. “It’s no trouble, Scar. What else do we need to do before we go?”

Grians back was to the window facing Scar who seemed to follow Grian’s movements. Scar backed up a bit to give more space between them. Not because he wants to be far from Grian, but because he took up the majority of the space between two bookshelves on his left and right. He was backing up so he could allow Grian to go past him if he needed.“Well, I usually just sweep through the library one more time to be sure no one is lingering around and I shut off all the lights and lock the doors.”

Grian just smiles watching Scars careful steps backwards. “Okay. I can take the back left if you’ll take the back right. And I’ll check all of the nooks too.” Grian catches Scar as he’s passing through another set of bookshelves and slips past him, forcing their proximity and having their chests touch as he passes. He really doesn’t know why, but he likes teasing Scar. The creeping blush that will cross Scars face just makes Grian want to mess with him more.

Scar clears his throat before speaking, “Thank you, Grian.” Grian can’t see the face Scar is making anymore now as he quickly walked away with a smirk on his face. Scar was adorable and so so sweet to Grian. It drove his heart crazy.

Grian decides to check his phone while walking through the library. His blood runs cold and suddenly he’s sweating. Grian couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Almost 70 missed calls from his ex. Almost 100 messages. Not just in his texting app, but also in other apps like facebook and instagram. Even sending Grian money with notes saying ‘I know you see this, Birdie.’ This is what he wanted right? He wanted his ex to miss him and want him back, but this seemed excessive. It was scaring him. He didn’t know this was the way Keon was. Sure he knew how bad Keon could get, but he’s never seen an obsessive side of him like this before. He was scrolling through message after message, terrified by how much more deranged they get going from ‘I love you’s’ to ‘I’m going to fucking kill you.’ The one that scared him the most was, ‘I know where you are.’ It sent chills down his back and he felt he couldn’t breathe. Grian moved to get away and now that he’s making progress and pushing away from Keon, Keon decides to come back in his life. Not just come back, but threaten all Grian has. What if he finds out Grian is living with Mumbo? Or worse, what if he finds out about Scar?

All of a sudden, there's a hand on his shoulder and his fight or flight kicks in. He whips around and pushes the person away. Immediate dread and regret fills him as he sees he’s shoved Scar to the floor. Scar is in a state of shock, obviously not completely sure of what has just happened. He seems largely unharmed and more just confused.

“Oh god. I… I’m so sorry! Are you okay Scar?” Grain is quick to drop to his knees beside Scar, scared to touch him, afraid he might hurt him again. He feels his throat close up as the guilt truly sets in. He can’t believe what he’s just done. How he let all those silly messages scare him so bad he hurt someone else. And someone he cares about. This is quite possibly one of the worst things he’s ever done.

He saw Scar reach towards Grian and he expected the worst, a slap, hair pulling, a punch to the jaw, anything in retaliation for what Grian had done. Instead he feels the gentle touch of Scars hand. Then he feels Scars other hand, now holding his face. Wiping away tears Grian hadn’t even realized he had. “I’m fine. Are you okay? You’re crying.” Grian doesn’t respond and just sits on his heels, searching Scars face for hate or anger. Anything that would make sense in a situation like this. Grian can’t find anything. Scars face is worried and it actually makes Grian feel ill. “You were taking some time so I decided to come check on you. You were hyperventilating.” How could Scar worry about Grian right now? He’s the one who got hurt. He should be upset, but he cares more about Grian crying. It was wrong.

Grian didn’t know what to say, so instead he just cried a bit more. Even if it was wrong to be comforted in a moment like this, it felt nice. Scar was so genuine towards him, Grian found it hard to understand. How did he get so lucky that there were people out there like Scar and he just so happened to take an interest in Grian.

Scar pulls Grian close to him, hugging him close and patting his back in comfort. Groans face was buried in Scars side, his tears sticking to Scars shirt now. They didn’t speak for what felt like forever. But that’s what Grian wanted. This quiet peace gives him time to collect his thoughts.

Scar gave Grian just a bit more time before he pulled away from their hug and gave Grian a serious look Grian tried to look away from. “I know you probably don’t want to, G, but maybe you should talk about what’s bothering you.”

Grian sits back, and wipes his eyes with his jacket sleeve. “I don’t know if I should.”

Scar sighs and shuffles his but to lean against the wall. This gave him something to lean up against. “I do. It would help you a lot y'know.”

Grian doesn’t respond, he finds the side of a book shelf and leans up against it, pulling his knees into his chest and bidding his face in his elbows.

“Why not talk to Mumbo about it? He would understand right?”

“No he wouldn’t. He,” Grian begins to tear up again. “He would be disappointed in me, Scar.” His voice was breaking as he spoke. The pain that filled his chest when he thought about the disappointment Mumbo would most certainly have for him if he found out Grian had, in fact, not blocked his ex like he had told him and now he was facing the consequences. Mumbo wouldn’t speak to him and might not even forgive Grian if he found out.

“Grian, I’m willing to listen, if you would let me. I’m ready for the worst. There is nothing you could ever say that would make me judge you or think any less of you.” Scar lays his feet out, they were just long enough to reach Grians and he tapped the tip of Grians shoe with his foot. Just trying to catch his attention. “You are one the most passionate and amazing people I have ever met. If something is bringing you down, I wanna know. You don’t seem like the kind of person who gives up without trying.”

Grian sniffles, thinking on Scars offer. It would feel life to get his emotions off his chest. But talking to Scar about his past lover is weird right? So he decided that he would talk to Scar, but keep it vague as to not let anything too personal slip.

“Fine, thank you Scar.” Grian finally lifts his head and sees Scars smile. A very comfortable smile. Grian scoots over to the wall Scar is up against and sits beside him. Despite him being open, he still felt the need to keep his knees to his chest. “Where should I start?”

Scar wrapped an arm around Grians back for comfort and rubbed his back. “Why not tell me why you started having a panic attack.”

Oh right. That. “Uhm, well. I guess. I should start by saying I didn’t move here just because of Mumbo or anything like that. I moved here because I’m trying to start over. I had such a horrible time where I lived before and I couldn’t stay there. I was depressed and couldn’t leave my house for days because I was terrified. Then Mumbo reached out to me. He knew what was going on and even though we hadn’t talked in a while, he still decided to help me out and be there for me.”

Grian looked up at Scar to see if he was listening. He knew he was, but he also knew he needed to check. Just to confirm and be sure Scar was listening.

And so he continued, “I am trying to escape my past but it feels like it’s chasing after me. And what will I do if it finally catches me? I think, if it finds me, it’s going to drag me back into that hell hole. And sometimes I feel like it would’ve just been easier if I stayed put. I know this sounds wrong, but sometimes I wish I had stayed and things would’ve stayed the same and nothing would’ve changed. Sometimes I miss what I had before. If I ever told Mumbo any of this he would just yell at me and tell me how dumb I am. How stupid I sound for even thinking it would’ve been better for me to stay. He would never treat me as kindly as you have.”

“You control who you are. And look, you’ve already taken huge steps by moving away. You should start to be proud of what you accomplished, not scared of whether you’re gonna lose it or not. You’re here because you carried yourself here. Just because you wish you were that person doesn’t mean you want to be that person, you would’ve stayed back there. But you’re strong and there’s no way for me to know what you’ve gone through but there’s no doubt in my mind that you let it walk all over you. You got out of there because you’re brave. And I’m sure Mumbo is proud of you because of it. I know I am, even if I know nothing. Mumbo might just think that way because he cares about everything you’ve accomplished and is upset because you feel it’s worth nothing. He probably shows his care through tough love. He knows what you deserve and he wants to tell you the harsh way that you deserve more.”

Scare words filled Grians heart and made his eyes swell with tears. He had never thought of Mumbo's nagging in that way. He always believed that maybe Mumbo was just being cruel to mess with him, but Scar had put it in perspective for Grian. He adored his friendship with Mumbo so much and he had not been thinking the best way about Mumbo recently. He took Mumbo for granted and Scar made him realize that. Mumbo had always been there for him, even when Grian had pushed him away. He owed everything to Mumbo and he didn’t deserve the type of friend Mumbo was.

He breaks down even more. He didn’t deserve Mumbo or Scar. Scar was just too good for him and he never showed his appreciation towards Mumbo.

“Do you think Mumbo would ever want to stop being my friend? I’ve put him through so much, he must hate having to be my friend.”

Scar hand ran circles across Grians back in a comforting way. “I think that’s where you’re wrong. You think anyone would go through trouble for a friend they didn’t care about. He wants to be there for you, Grian. You gotta believe that much right?”

“You’re right. I’m sorry Scar. I should apologize to him. And you too. I’m dragging you into my mess. I’m very sorry.” He laid his head into Scar and sighed. He felt exhausted now. His eyes stung and his chest hurt. The feeling of anxiety subsiding but not leaving.

“It’s no issue, Grian. I’d rather know and be able to help you than leave you alone. Things are tougher alone. I do think you should let Mumbo know though. If he knows more about what is going on, he’ll know how to better help you. And you’ve gotta take the good with the bad alright? He might get a little upset but only because he worries about you.”

Grian takes it all in for a moment. He knows Mumbo cares and loves him and he can’t believe he ever thought that Mumbo might not. Still, despite it, he was still too anxious to go home and talk to Mumbo face to face. Pushing it off for the night isn’t a bad idea. But where would he stay? He could stay with Scar. It’s just an idea and it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If Scar says no, Grian will just have to face the music. “Okay, but I don’t think I can go home tonight, I don’t want him to know I’ve been crying, he’ll just worry more. I know this is a lot to ask of me Scar, but can I stay at your place tonight? It’s alright if you say no, I wouldn’t want to intrude on you.”

“No no, I wouldn’t mind at all! It will give you time to think, but is Mumbo going to mind?”

Scars response kind of surprised Grian. Scar has every right to be upset with Grian right now, but he isn’t. He continues to choose to help Grian, even if Grain feels he doesn't deserve it. “No it’ll be fine, I’ll just let him know. Thank you Scar, I really appreciate it.”

Scar shifts away from Grian and climbs to his feet with the assistance of his cane. “Instead of reading today, we could just have a sleepover and watch Disney movies.”

Grian follows after Scar with a small smile. He nods in response, wiping away any tears that might still remain. “That actually sounds really fun.”

“Cmon, Wanna buy snacks and binge while we watch?” Scar takes Grians hand in a friendly way and starts leading him to grab their things to leave.

“Of course.” He can’t help the way his heart skips a beat.

They had been laughing for hours just sitting on the couch, it was almost 10 o’clock at this point and Grian had passed out on his side. Scar wanted Grian to be comfortable and was going to offer up his bed, but now that Grian was asleep, Scar knew there was no way he was going to get him there. Scar couldn’t carry him and he looked so peaceful underneath the Star Wars blanket Scar had given him.

He was about to head off to bed himself but after he turned off the TV he realized there was buzzing coming from somewhere. He looked around and searched quietly for the source. In the kitchen, he found a phone. It must be Grians because this is not his, he quietly picks the phone up to see why it was going off and sees a caller ID, it was Mumbo. He didn’t want to intrude so he let it go to voicemail only for a couple of seconds later to have Mumbo calling again. Scar knew it might be wrong of him but what if it was an emergency? So he picked up the phone and answered.

Immediately he was met with a panicked and stressed British accent. “Grian! Finally! Where are you? Do you need me to come and get you? Are you okay? Please tell me if you’re okay!”

“Hi, Grians is okay, he’s asleep right now.” He spoke softly, not only to keep Grian from waking, but also to try and calm down Mumbo.

There was an awkward silence before Mumbo spoke with a much harsher voice through the phone.“Who the fuck are you? Where is Grian? Put him on the phone now.”

It sent a chill down Scars back and scared him to the bone. “I’m sorry! I thought he told you! I’m Scar, Grian is spending the night at my place, I can’t believe he forgot to tell you. I can send you my address if you want, I promise he’s safe.”

“Scar? Oh. OHHH. Okay!” There was an immediate tone shift upon a realization that Scar didn’t understand. “Well I won’t bother you guys any longer. You two love birds, have fun and be safe. I can swing by tomorrow to come and get him.”

Scar blushed and immediately panicked. “What are you talking about? You know who I am? And what do you mean love birds?”

Mambo chuckles, teasing Scar almost. “Scar, I know a lot. You think Grian wouldn’t tell me about you? And you know what I mean by love birds.”

“We.. were not..” Scar clears his throat to speak more clearly. “We are not dating.”

He could hear Mumbo roll his eyes through his tone.“Yeah yeah, that’s what Grian says. Doesn’t mean…” there’s a small pause. “Never mind! Make sure you wear protection! Goodbyyyyeeee!”

Before Scar could respond the call was ended and he was left to his stupid thoughts. They’re just friends. He doesn’t even think Grian sees him as anything more. He groans and quickly sends Mumbo his address and phone number. Setting the phone back down in its place without another thought.