Don't Pretend Like you Care
The first thing April learned the next day was where her father was arrested. He was at the lake house. Not Hilton Head. April fought against tears. The memory of him kissing her cheek and boarding his helicopter ten days ago weighed heavy now. He'd lied to her.
The second thing she learned was the reason he was arrested. Apparently, he had skipped bail the weekend before and been caught by bounty hunters. April hadn't even known he went to jail.
But the most horrific thing she learned was of the violence that led to his first arrest. He didn't just lose his temper with some other alpha male at the club and punch him out. His temper instead flared when he met with a sex worker and pummelled her beyond recognition. He had used his fists in a blind and self-righteous rage, deeming his morals superior to a random woman who he paid for sex. So staunch was he in his belief that prostitutes were less-than-human that he broke what April had once believed was her dad's cardinal rule. He had sworn that no matter how easily he could lose his temper, he would never ever lay a hand on a woman.
In the nights as a young child while April struggled privately with accepting that she had crushes on girls, she knew how her dad felt about gays. Abominations, he always said. Abhorrent sinners who would burn in hell. And whenever he would say that, April would try to hide her involuntary wince against his angry rhetoric. But she took bittersweet solace in his promise that he could never be brought to violence against women. They were the weaker sex after all and it wouldn't be a fair fight.
Knowing now that he had sought out, paid for, and assaulted a woman, all the air let out from April's lungs and she fought hard against hyperventilating. Both of her parents had shown themselves to be bigots over the years but until this moment, April had always believed she would be kept safe from her father's violence.
She had often imagined one day telling her parents that she was only interested in dating and marrying girls. And before, it was dread of the awkward cold shoulder, the painful apathy towards her, the nonchalant slurs that would be constantly used against her, even the possibility of being thrown out of her house or sent to a conversion camp that deterred her from sharing her deepest secret. But now, she was frozen in fear imagining how her father's eyes would light with fury and how he would let loose all his anger and hatred into her as a symbol of all that he despised of the world, leaving physical scars on her body to remind her of his absolute disgust for decades to come. Now that he beat up this woman, it didn't seem a far jump that if April upset him enough, with her audacity to love who she loved, he would turn his violence against her.
April excused herself from the table and went upstairs to her room. She stared into the mirror, focused on controlling her breathing and started to lose her composure. She prayed fervently in her heart, mind screaming out to God for comfort. She knew he wasn't angry with her for being gay. He had made her that way. But John Stevens wasn't big on forgiveness despite his reputation as a pillar of piety in their community. So she tried to cast her fears onto God and begged him to keep her separate and safe from the man.
She did this through the rest of the weekend. As tears poured from her eyes, April mourned the man she thought she knew. He was always proud of her accomplishments and supported her when she worried about being good enough. He demanded perfection, but the consequences for falling short were less pride and affection, not less safety.
She pulled out the condom wrapper in the baggy. Staring at it, losing focus as her mind drifted back to when she picked it up. This little piece of evidence could help her get the position in Fellowship that was, not only rightfully hers, but also, an absolute imperative for her future survival. It was the only way she could get ahead of the rumors about her father and be instantly aware of any possible discussions about her sexuality. It was the only way to escape John Stevens' wrath if he ever found out about her. She had a lot more plausible deniability on her side if she could just have that position of leadership. Then she could force the spotlight onto her when she wanted it, and send it wherever else as needed. Fellowship would give her a fighting chance at convincing her father, a violent and hateful bigot, that his sweet daughter was 100% straight.
By the time Monday came around, April was still a wreck. She went into Fellowship late, beaten down by a weekend of turmoil and pain. Rolling her shoulders back, holding her head high, she opened the door to the ending prayer, led by Sterling.
“…Awaken us, especially our brothers and sisters in need… like April. No matter when she comes back, if at all, ever, bless her wherever the winds may take her.” For just a second April stopped in her tracks, wanting to believe the prayer was earnest. She knew though not to believe that she was thought of or considered. The last time she had believed Sterling cared about her, she had given her away. Instead, April sauntered in antagonistically and interrupted the prayer.
“Touching.” she smirked, her voice dripping with sarcasm and challenge. Interestingly her speaking up caused Sterling to stutter, it would have been cute if it wasn't so clearly a ploy to save face in front of the others in Fellowship. She dropped some nonsense about having a stomach bug and an excuse for her dad's disappearance. A long work trip to Tokyo. She knew the rumors had spread in her absence and now, the most she could do was damage control. Her friends fawned over her but walked out with the rest of the group, leaving her alone with Sterling.
“I'm really glad you're feeling better, April.” Sterling's voice sounded dewey sweet like it did when she led prayers at Fellowship. Disingenuous, fake, a performance like April. It seemed Sterling had been going through the motions a lot lately. April called her out on her lack of any real empathy and again pulled out the condom wrapper. Surprisingly, it seemed the move annoyed Sterling more than scared her.
“Are you preserving that?” she asked, eyes squinting and eyebrows furrowing in disbelief. April held the condom wrapper with her thumb and forefinger on the very corner of the baggy she'd sealed it in, keeping it away from her body, disgusted by its contents. April couldn't divulge the real reason she was preserving the wrapper. Sterling couldn't know she was gay anymore than she could know that April was worried that if she wasn't Fellowship leader she couldn't protect herself from the rumors. Especially now that her father was known to be in prison. She couldn't tell Sterling that she kept it because it was her only chance at some semblance of control, some sliver of hope in the midst of everything she was going through and could go through if she was ever discovered to like girls. She made an excuse about herpes, which wasn't too far from the truth. Knowing a condom wrapper was in her bag really grossed her out, but she did what she had to.
“Resign as Fellowship Leader by Friday, or this puppy goes wide.” She sauntered away from Sterling hoping she would feel threatened enough by the possibility of her indiscretions being shared with the world. April didn’t want to take the Fellowship position by force, instead, merely by suggestion.
The next day, April had to come to school late because her mom needed her to be there while she handled the lawyer, moral support or something. April dressed in her best school clothes, a black pencil skirt and a light blue button up. She let her hair fly in its natural curls when she had to rush to get to school during lunch. It was the best option for avoiding missing any further school just because of her dad’s arrest.
Everywhere she looked, the school was abuzz with gossip. Phones were beeping and vibrating and the chatter was so much louder than usual. April’s head throbbed as she approached the table with Ezekiel and Hannah B. They were also whispering. When she asked them what was going on, Ezekiel’s face lit up conspiratorialy.
“You haven’t heard? Tammy Dewitt found a love glove in Woodshop--” he stifled his laughter at the sheer scandal of the gossip.
Hannah B chimed in “No, it was Horny Lorna in Gym and it wasn’t just one, it was a box.” April’s mind spun.
“This is the weirdest game of Clue ever…” she mused. “I don’t understand.” Then she saw her. Lit by the glow of the circular school logo, back straight and a smug look set on her face. The logo looked almost like a halo around Sterling as she stared back at April, her eyes challenging and intense. April felt a wave through her body of intense fury and… something else. She had spent the night trying to figure out how to leverage her knowledge of Sterling’s indiscretions without outing her. Something about outing Sterling for sexual activity when her own biggest fear was being outed didn’t quite sit right with April. But she could pretend and maybe that would force Sterling’s hand. Now, that felt a little generous since she was playing this game of wits with April.
But, April had to admit, she enjoyed the distraction from her homelife and that look in Sterling's eye, infuriating and confusing as it was.