I'm a Good Person
The burp rang out cacophonous over the silence of the church hallways.
"Wow, Sterl!" exclaimed a tiny April. That was amazing! How did you keep a burp in through all of Easter worship? It's the longest worship time of the year!" April was grinning and giggling and Sterling flashed a big grin back.
"Guess I'm just that awesome, don't underestimate me, Stevens!"
"Ugh," April thought to herself "I should never have underestimated her fortitude."
Hannah B's voice cut through the memory. "What do you mean fortitude?" Oops, apparently that thought was out loud. April told Hannah B about the burp because she still didn't want to out Sterling if she didn't have to. And, much as April appreciated her followers, telling them this would lead to gossip even more widespread than the made up gossip Sterling had created about the condom wrapper. They would definitely not understand why she needed control here, and therefore represented more of liabilities than allies in this situation. Still, Sterling had clearly proven she could play dirty, which, April would never admit, she missed about having Sterling in her life. A worthy competitor.
Well, if Sterling was going to play dirty, April could certainly stoop to such a challenge. She caught sight of Sterling's lumbering boyfriend, standing confused by the various trash receptacles. April sidled over to him, her shoulders back, her eyes level with his, her playful, almost flirty tone, dripping with threat as she said the word 'latex.' The poor simple boy looked like he had been caught in a truly heinous crime, rather than being the victim of his own hormones and Sterling's considerable charm. April almost pitied him. Almost. She decided to go in for the kill, leveraging her knowledge and advising him to get Sterling to back down. Sterling had a weakness for dumb boys, and this one was the dumbest. If the fifth grade popularity contest was any indication, Luke could always derail Sterling and distract her. April balked a little at the implication of such a distraction, but she had him right where she wanted him. Breaking into pieces under her pressure.
“Unbelievable!” Sterling’s voice was filled with hurt and accusation. April steeled her nerves at hearing Sterling behind her and turned around, her face filled with contempt and determination.
“Thank you! I did a sheet mask!” She knew Sterling was not complimenting her, but she did enjoy the tiny frustrated sigh she could hear before Sterling lit into her about “threatening” Luke.
“No. I exploited the weak spot” April said simply “like we’re taught in Forensics.” April had used the resources at her disposal. If Sterling was going to dodge all of April’s threats, then she was going to leverage the condom wrapper in her possession against Sterling’s clueless boyfriend. It was the last thing she could do to avoid actually outing them. Luke Creswell was hapless and simple. When he and Sterling had won the popularity contest in middle school, he had immediately asked out Sterling. To April’s knowledge, Luke and Sterling hadn’t even really talked to each other much before that moment. But if that was Luke’s reaction to someone being the most popular with him, she was endlessly relieved that she was three votes away from winning. While winning Most Popular could have enabled her to create even more of a buffer between her and the rumors that could come up about her sexuality, the alternative was out of the question. Bullet dodged, Luke was like a dumb puppy and she couldn’t imagine having to use him of all people as a beard just because of a popularity contest.
He got to be with Sterling and April didn’t. Because that was how the world worked. Straight people could ask each other out in front of everyone and have very visible relationships for six years without anyone raising an eyebrow. Sterling and April were no longer friends when her boyfriend stepped into her life and April vowed then and there to never let herself get so close to the girl who would give her away to another group and ditch her for a boy.
“We aren’t playing for trophies here” Sterling cried out desperately. “He is a person. A sweet sensitive person. He can’t handle the pressure.” Hearing Sterling defend her idiot boyfriend as if he was deserving of love and support and attention made something crack inside of April. The wound from Sterling ditching April for another group and immediately jumping into six years with that obnoxious buffoon was still a bit raw in moments like this. It wasn’t as if Sterling and April hadn’t gone to school with each other for those same six years. It wasn’t as if Sterling couldn’t have apologized or tried to still hang out with her, even a little bit. She chose who she chose and that was that.
April forced her brain past the pain of past betrayal to deliver yet another threat to Sterling, veiled with a sheen of a hopeful truce. If Sterling resigned, no one would have to know about the condom, or about Sterling covering it up. Sterling’s voice cut through the murkiness of April’s hope-filled mind. “Why are you acting like this? April just stared at Sterling. Fighting the vulnerability, the tears that tried to well up from inside her. “Is it because of what’s going on with your family? We go to the same church. I know what happened.” April tried looking away, tried to lie, tried to think about anything else but that.
Tried to at least grasp some semblance of privacy in the face of her former best friend, the person she once told everything to. The one who held her hand when Sergeant Bilko had been sick, and held April while she cried when she had to say goodbye to her older sister Charlotte when she flew away to college and then joined the Peace Corps. April wondered what Charlotte would say about their dad’s behavior. She wished she knew her sister better. But more than that, she wished she could trust Sterling again. Maybe that was why she found herself spilling her frustration to Sterling and forcing herself not to cry. The desperation to talk to someone, anyone was strangling her. But the desperation to confide in Sterling had been building up since the moment Sterling left her on
the swings six years ago.
April lowered her voice and slanted her eyes in a glare at Sterling. “What John did is his problem.” April could barely get the words out, saying each word in one sentence. Fear and anger and hurt spilling out with every syllable.
“He’s still your dad.” Sterling encouraged. And it was so like Sterling to extend kindness to the undeserving, to try to get April to see the truth of things. Of course he was still her dad. She couldn’t separate the fact that she was his daughter biologically. But, this time last week, April had believed him to be someone who occasionally could lose his temper, but was justifiably a pillar of their community. Now, April feared for her own life and the lives of anyone her dad had deemed lesser or other throughout her whole life. Sterling couldn’t possibly understand what it was like to lose faith in your family so much that it made you never want to trust them again. Sterling’s life was, as always, easy, comfortable, straight. Three things April had recently come to realize could never be hers as long as she lived under John Stevens’ thumb. April let all her vitriol and hatred pour from her mouth “I don’t care. He beat up a prostitute.” It was the first time April had said it out loud, to anyone. She didn’t care. He was dead to her, his hatred and violence scared her more than anything but she was angry about its existence. He had no right to take her family away from her like this. Her semblance of safety. “I’m not a fan of sex workers, but they deserve to be safe.” April knew the stance she had stated was a fair bit liberal for someone of her standing. Which she found infuriating, because recognizing the humanity of others didn’t feel like a political issue to her, but according to her backwards conservative town, apparently it was. April grew timid and added “Just not allowed to vote.” That way if anyone overheard, she could be seen as the image of conservative straight girl poster child she fought so hard to maintain. April hung her head in shame. Shame that she couldn’t express her innermost thoughts, shame that she had a father who treated people, women, like objects to use and abuse, shame that all she wanted was to hug Sterling and cry. All she wanted was her best friend back.
“April.” Sterling spoke tenderly, like they had when they were kids. Like they had when all they had in the world was each other. Well, Sterling had Blair, but April, April only had Sterling in all the world, and it was all that she wanted.
“What?” April barked in anguish.
Sterling levelled her eyes at April and said the two words that April had longed to hear for six years. “I’m sorry.” April was stunned and she stood looking at Sterling like she had said the most bewildering thing imaginable. Tears welling up in her eyes, she tried darting her eyes back and forth to stop them from falling. That apology though, was of pity, and wasn’t about what she wished it could be about at all. It was small and honest and real but it was about her dad. Sterling still didn’t think she had done anything wrong.
April summoned her resolve and levied her last threat, shaking off the pain of the vulnerability she had just experienced. April lifted her head with confidence she did not feel and told Sterling “Resign. Or Pretty Boy walks the plank.” Sterling eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “And there are sharks in the waters.” April continued. “And like, rough coral reef.” Sterling’s eyes widened and April walked away from her, knowing she probably could have left with a different line, but knowing that she had Sterling where she wanted her, finally able to end this facade of good Christian girl and give up her
position as Fellowship Leader.
Sterling stepping into the Fellowship room with an air of bravado was not what April had expected after all that she had done to shake that confidence. She was especially confused when Sterling asked Ellen to step out due to the "teen themed" nature of Sterling's Fellowship lesson. As soon as Ellen had left the room, the truth was spoken. "The condom wrapper was mine. Luke and I are having sex." April was aghast, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. What was Sterling doing? Just outing herself? As if it was nothing, as if it was any regular admission? April was a little saddened by Sterling's naivete. If only it were so easy. Everyone was stunned silent, the sound of uncomfortable shuffling filled the room.
Suddenly, someone right next to April barked out an incredulous laugh. Ezequiel, followed by Hannah B. She never told them about the wrapper. And now it was biting her in the butt. Nobody believed it, the room filled with awkward laughter and April felt hot, uncomfortable in her seat. This wasn't how the scenario was supposed to play out.
"What are you doing?" She demanded through gritted teeth.
"Confessing." Sterling replied matter-of-factly, as if she'd discovered a loophole that April hadn't considered and was rubbing it in April's face. The feeling in her stomach started to lurch forward and April tried to keep down the bile rising in her throat. She needed to lead Fellowship or else it would only be a matter of time before she found herself flung from the closet, a laughingstock like Sterling. But even worse, because she could not find acceptance here. Her life would be in constant torment. Her parents might even hurt her or disown her. She had to fix this. It could not happen like this.
"Well, you're not doing it right." April responded, trying to swallow her anxiety and appear in control.
To her credit, Sterling did try to take responsibility. But the laughter started up again, even as Sterling and Luke both started sharing locations that they had done it. Nobody believed it. April felt like she would explode if she didn't speak up.
"No! She's telling the truth." April shot up from the couch, the condom wrapper bag held tightly in her hand. Immediately the room turned to accuse her, with false promises of no judgment and assurances that she could overcome the sin.
Ezequiel, gay as ever, whispered "It's beautiful."
"It's disgusting." April responded, beyond horrified to be discussing the condom at all. Blair accused April of carrying the condom wrapper in a little bag like baby teeth, countering that she was disgusting. And April felt the defeat hit her hard. No one would believe her. Now the condom wrapper would be assumed to be hers and she would lose any chance at Fellowship Leader. She would have no chance to steer the rumors, no chance to better her reputation, marred now by a sin she didn't commit.
Sterling looked overwhelmed and upset like she was about to cry. Suddenly, she stopped the banter and the noise of the room and said, once and for all, that the condom wrapper really was hers. Slowly April's world came back into view, she wouldn't have to face consequences of actions she had no interest in doing. And Sterling, poor, naive Sterling, was babbling.
"God doesn' t care. I'm a good person. That's what matters." April kept her head cast down but she winced as Sterling said that. If only it was so easy, so obvious. April knew that the minute Sterling came to her aid and admitted everything, her reputation was torpedoed and this group would want nothing to do with her. Sterling walked away, slipping into Ellen's office as Blair and Luke ran after her.
The Fellowship room was filled with whispers. Someone sitting on the couch, a girl with brown hair and glasses, who had yelled that April would have support if she wanted to face her sin, raised her hand with a pointed look at April. "They said they had sex in the supply closet? How does that work? Does he like... and where does she go?" the girl gestured timidly. Ezequiel ran over and quickly returned from the storage closet holding dolls and began to mimic what would have happened in the supply closet, including xer best impersonation of Sterling and Luke's voices. Another student raised their hand. "And what about the couch? And the car?" They said they did it in here too?" As was always the case, April was uncomfortable with the thought of straight sex and boy anything, but she encouraged Ezequiel to show the group the positions nevertheless. There was a pang in her heart for a moment, whether from making fun of Sterling or talking so candidly about her sex life, April didn't know. But she was reminded of the fact that Sterling had put herself in this position and now April would be Fellowship Leader. She had to play the part and be on her guard against the rumors she would now get to hear a lot more about. Sterling had made her bed, and for all April cared, she could sleep with her dumb boyfriend in it for the rest of her life.