Fellowship Leader
As April flipped through the slideshow, she winced internally at the image of her dad on one knee looking as if he was proposing to her with her purity ring, the promise that she would save herself for her husband. She tried not to linger too long on the picture in front of the class. Her face in the photo betrayed her hidden pain at putting on the ridiculous charade. Much as she loved her father, and she truly did, his entitlement in the memory was clear. She was to marry a man, a good Christian man. And until then, she would be Daddy's little girl. Until then, she would belong to John Stevens, the captain of her family. And always, always, she had to be perfect, she had to win. She knew that her voice was getting pitchy and ingratiating, braggodocious with an air of the pious pomposity for which she was known. She had an image to uphold, that of the Christian girl who does mission work and discipleship weekends to be the closest to Jesus and to help others be close to him too. It wasn't that April didn't believe in the Bible. She absolutely did. She just, believed in God more. And everything in her told her that he loved her and he made her exactly as she was. But, no one could know her secret, and so she put on her show.
Without the show, she might be discovered as the broken and hurting person she was. If she didn't act like the best Christian and go after the highest achievements, presenting them as if she were a vapid housewife, people would know she had no hope and no intention of ever becoming such a thing. She cringed when she pronounced the words “pequitos ninos”. She loved Spanish and had become rather fluent in her Spanish class. But this wasn't school. This was Fellowship. And in Fellowship, smarts were not rewarded. Piety was celebrated, service of the less-fortunate and the lost. There was no time for honesty or humanity in a race to be the best Christian. It was all about the performance. Because if April was ever honest in Fellowship, she could out herself to the whole school.
The closet was a familiar place for April. Painful because she knew her hateful bigoted parents would absolutely disown her if she ever tried to come out. But familiar because, she was comfortable knowing that she crushed hard on girls. It was something that always was and always would be. She couldn't do anything to change it, nor did she really want to. Being gay was like breathing to April. She noticed girls, their enchanting eyes and soft faces. Their lips were distracting, their bodies a constant wonder. But she never acted on it, instead choosing to remain completely closeted from even her closest friends.
When Ellen asked April to sit down and finish up her presentation, her chest tightened. Ellen was announcing the new Fellowship Leader. Fellowship Leader was a position April had known she would need since she was in grade school. If she could be a leader, she could control the scrutiny on her and handle things if people started to suspect. She could have the status to shut down rumors the moment they were started. Pleased with Ellen's words describing a good Christian girl as being ideal for the position, April stood up to accept the position.
“Sterling Wesley!” Ellen announced. April was immediately deflated and a little embarrassed. Looking around, she realized she had stood up too early seeming overeager and ridiculous. Then her eyes settled on her. Sterling Wesley. The one chosen for all things, an easy life of being straight, being godly and being popular. April made sure her own persona only allowed for followers rather than friends. Friends were too risky.
She had tried having friends before. In fifth grade. Sterling had been her best friend. They had done everything together. They were on the same page all the time. Two Christian girls praying and reading their Bibles together, tag teaming the answers in Sunday School, holding hands and going on long walks just to talk about what was in their brains. They were about equally popular and similarly driven in their education. Sterling had loved quizzing April on Bible verses and April had loved doing spelling contests. They were on each others' level in every way.
Looking into Sterling's bright curious blue eyes always made April feel warm inside. Her smile reached into the loneliest places of her soul and helped things seem brighter. April shook her head gently to pull herself out of the memory.
When Sterling got Fellowship Leader, that smile was there, and under it, a hint of... was that guilt? April almost wanted to check in on Sterling, see how she was doing. She was using a lot of jargon... all the right words just like April, a performance. What could she possibly be hiding? April resolved that she would find out, even if it meant talking to Sterling again, for the first time since the fifth grade when Sterling gave her away to another friend group and walked out of her life forever.