Feuillemort

it is certain that the sun comes to end the dream

~
you have done it all.
you healed me in all the ways no one
else could, and hurt me all the same.

- Bhumika Singh

~

The hug made everything different. At least, Sana thinks so. It’s been three days since they went to the city and returned to the island with no answers as to why Jeongyeon lost her sense of taste. She found bruises in Jeongyeon’s body but the girl just told her to not mind it because it was caused by the consecutive physical touches she gave.

“You’re still guilty about the hug when I’m the one who pulled you and initiated that hug?” Jeongyeon entered the living room with a book in her hand. “Sana, I told you to stop thinking about it already.”

Sana rolled her eyes, “I wasn’t thinking about it.”

“You make me want to flick your forehead,” the girl sat beside her and opened her book. “I decided to do that on my own so don’t feel guilty.”

“Why? You got bruised,” she subtly leaned away from Jeongyeon. The girl noticed and pulled her back. She groaned.

“Keep me warm, caretaker,” the teasing tone in Jeongyeon’s voice annoyed her yet she gave in. “It’s already ber-months, it’ll be colder.”

What the girl said was true. Since it was early September, the wind started to become colder than the summer breeze that was the normal wind in the island. For quite some time, Sana had been cooking soups and other food with liquid just to make sure that their stomachs were warm. Jeongyeon neither complimented her nor complained. It was the cause of her not having any taste. It still bothered Sana so much but she respected Jeongyeon’s wish to not mind it anymore.

She stole a glance on Jeong. Sana already memorized how defined the girl’s jaw was. How deep Jeongyeon’s eyes were. How they blend perfectly with her eyebrows. It’s amazing how Jeongyeon’s lips were uneven yet they looked perfect. Sana shook her head, causing the girl to look at her.

“Your heart’s racing again. Are you okay?” Jeongyeon placed her hand on Sana’s forehead. “You don’t feel like you have a fever?”

Sana closed her eyes and cherished how warm Jeongyeon’s hand felt, “I’m okay. Stop listening to my heart.”

Jeongyeon chuckled, “Apparently, your heart wants to be heard. Every time I’m around, it keeps beating so loudly that it almost demands my attention.”

She stood up and stretched her arms upwards, “Don’t give it what it wants.”

The girl closed her book and looked at Sana, “I already gave you my full attention.”

Sana looked back at Jeong. She knew the feeling all too well. She knew that nothing good will come from acknowledging things such as this but she couldn’t stop herself. She woke up with that urge to make sure Jeongyeon is the happiest in the world and she can’t seem to stop wanting that. Sana couldn’t care less about herself as long as she can see that Jeongyeon was okay. But so far, all she has inside of her are worries. She couldn’t help but blame herself still why Jeongyeon lost her sense of taste.

But nonetheless, maybe it was okay.

Maybe I should give myself another chance.

“You should really be careful of what you say, Jeongyeon,” Sana’s voice sounded too serious that Jeongyeon almost felt a shiver when she suddenly smiled and continued talking. “You might not be able to handle it in the future.”

Jeongyeon scoffed, “You think I have anything to fear? I’ve lost everything. I don’t mind risking whatever it is that’s left of me.”

That’s right. Ever since their hug, Jeongyeon had been reciprocating her advances. Sana knew that it was just due to the fact that the girl became more comfortable around her. But for her, it wasn’t helping. Every time Jeongyeon would retaliate with her totally harmless flirting, her own walls would break inch by inch. Years of not allowing anyone to look inside were slowly becoming useless as Jeongyeon effortlessly bulldozered the walls she worked so hard to raise.

“Whatever. I’ll cook dinner,” Sana left the living room, actually escaping would be the perfect term. She reached the kitchen and held on to the counter to support her weight because what Jeongyeon said literally made her weak.

Sana had an internal argument with herself while she was cooking. She was debating whether or not she will admit something to herself. She thought about the things she did that led her to where she was now. The decisions she made, the choices she chose. Everything up to the point where she needed to ask Nayeon’s help just so she can survive.

~

“Seriously, you just had to be curious, Sana? Now you’re done for,” Sana stuffed enough clothes inside her bag and grabbed her phone. “Please answer. Nayeon, god damn it, answer the phone.”

“What’s up? It’s not evening yet for a booty call, Sana,” she never felt so relieved in hearing Nayeon’s annoying voice.

“Please help me. I found out. My mom. Dead. I know now. I’m next. I know now. Please,” Sana wanted to cry but time is crucial. She needed to move fast and she couldn't contact the family of her fiancee. Who knows, maybe the family was involved as well. She couldn’t possibly risk walking into the home of those people.

Nayeon was quiet but soon, she sighed, “I’m guessing I’m your only choice?” Sana held back a sob.

A knock disturbed their talk. Sana made sure that her door was locked but nonetheless, she felt as if she had a heart attack, “Lady Sana, the Master called and said that the charity event will be postponed because of the upcoming wedding.”

It took everything in her to make sure that her voice did not crack when she answered, “Sure. I’ll be taking my time then. Just make sure I don’t get any schedules.”

Nayeon spoke again, “Go to the outskirts. Where we met. I’ll be there waiting.”

“Thank you,” Sana ended the call and took the keys of her car from the drawer.

Mom, I’m so sorry.

Sana arrived at the location. She spotted Nayeon’s undeclared car. She hopped in and hugged the girl, “Thank you so much.”

“No need to thank me. I’m glad you’re safe,” the girl started to drive.

“I need to leave. The city is not safe for me. They will know where I am regardless of where I hide in this city. If I go to another country, they’ll know as well. I need to be where I don’t need identification,” Sana’s voice quivered in fear. She kept looking around if she was followed but it looked like she wasn’t. She left the car engine running. It’s just a car, no need to worry.

“Alright. I think Mina can help but promise me she won’t get hurt in this,” Nayeon maneuvered the car and sped up to the city.

“Don’t tell her anything then,” she went to the backseat when Nayeon dialed Mina’s number. They talked and soon enough, Mina was with them. Sana put on her angelic smile. The one she was so used to using every time there was a charity event under their name,

She hugged Nayeon when she was about to board the boat, “Don’t tell anyone. Don’t call my phone. Just let me contact you through Mina every time she visits the island, okay?”

“Stay alive,” Nayeon kissed her cheek and smiled. “Bye!”

Sana got on the boat and looked at Nayeon one more time. She waved and looked ahead.

I will, Nayeon. I will stay alive.

~

Sana did not notice Jeongyeon watching her from the entrance of the kitchen. She got startled when the girl spoke, “The chicken’s burning already.”

“Oh,” she flipped the chicken and continued, “Sorry. I’ll eat it, don’t worry.”

“You look out of it. What’s up?” Jeongyeon sat by the counter and waited for her to answer. Sana could already draw the features of Jeongyeon’s face. She got so used to seeing it, looking at it closely, that she couldn’t seem to forget what it looks like.

She shrugged, “Nothing much. Just wondering what happened to you.”

“Your heart was slowly beating earlier. I thought you were dying so I came. Now it’s racing again,” the girl took an apple and started eating it.

“Leave my heart alone,” she rolled her eyes and placed the plate with chicken in front of Jeong. “Eat here. I don’t want to set the table.”

“Ayt,” the girl started eating but continued to talk to her. “I like listening to your heart, Sana. It kind of calms me down.”

Their eyes met. Sana felt her world stop. 

I want to kiss you.

Sana moved away and shook her head. She couldn’t believe her own thoughts for a split second. She wanted to bang her head against the counter.

“What’s wrong?” Jeongyeon raised an eyebrow and offered her a bite. “Eat up.”

“Jeong, no,” she shook her head but the girl made the fork rest on her lips.

“Your cooking improved a lot. I would say that but I can’t taste it so just open your mouth, taste it and tell me how good it is,” Sana gave in and took the bite. She was impressed by her own cooking.

“It’s tender. The flavor really came out after marinating it overnight,” she said. Jeongyeon smiled at her, “What?”

“Your eyes. They’re the prettiest shade of brown I’ve ever seen,” Sana wanted to combust when Jeongyeon said those words.

The girl stood up and went to stand right in front of Sana. She placed a hand on Sana’s cheek and leaned closer, “Jeongyeon.”

“No, seriously,” Jeongyeon stared at her eyes, as if wanting to be swallowed by Sana’s orbs. “I’ve seen a million of colors before but I think the shade of your eyes will be my favorite starting today.”

Sana backed away and tried to calm her heart, “I told you to stop, didn’t I?”

The blonde crossed her arms, “Why would I? I like looking at you.”

“Then just look at me. Don’t make me feel things,” Sana ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. “I’m sorry. You probably don’t understand. Don’t mind me, hmm? I’m just stressed.”

Jeongyeon looked at her softly. Something Sana would’ve appreciated if her heart wasn’t racing like it was. But nonetheless, she took a deep breath and cherished the look Jeongyeon gave her. She wanted to hug the girl but she stopped herself. She couldn’t possibly hurt Jeongyeon more.

~

It was the third week after they went to the city and so far, nothing changed. Jeongyeon still couldn’t taste anything. They still don’t know the reason why and Sana was still guilty as to why it happened in the first place.

“Sana, why do you smell so nice?” it was a random question from Jeongyeon. They were in the garden. Sana was busy watering the plants and Jeongyeon was drinking tea while sitting on one of the chairs outside.

“What?” Sana looked at her with a frown. She was finally getting used to her rapidly beating heart and random blushes when Jeongyeon smiles or touches her out of nowhere. Like when Jeong held her hand because she was about to walk out of the study room two days ago. Or when the girl placed her arm around Sana’s shoulder when they watched a horror movie and Sana got terrified.

Jeongyeon chuckled (which totally didn’t look adorable for Sana. No. It didn’t make her heart race. Nope.), “You smell like the first day of spring. It’s relaxing. I like it.”

She smirked, “You know, a few weeks ago, you told me you liked my eyes. Now you like my scent. Are you in love with me?”

The blonde placed her cup down, “What are you gonna do about it?”

The watering can was dropped.

“Jeongyeon,” her tone was serious. Sana’s heart started beating rapidly again.

The girl laughed, “Sana. You keep forgetting that I can’t feel. How can I possibly love you?”

The pain that was suddenly in Sana’s chest was unbearable. But she continued to smile. She turned around and walked towards the entrance of the house. Mina was meant to come today since it was Jeongyeon’s check up. The doctor was there, smiling when she saw Sana’s face.

Jeongyeon followed Mina to the consultation room. Sana was busy cooking but she kept thinking about the caretaker. Mina was the one who broke the silence. “You look like you care for her. Was that what made you go to the city?”

Mina was surprised to see Jeongyeon smile, “I care a lot about her, Dr. Myoui. Sana was the first person who looked at me like I’m another human and not a weirdo who can hear heartbeats. She makes me laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed before. Don’t you?”

The doctor shook her head and smiled back, “Sounds like you two are very close. Do you notice any changes in your body these days? How about your senses?

“Same, same, Doctor,” Jeongyeon kept looking at the door, as if expecting Sana. “How are you and Nayeon?”

Mina closed her eyes, “Jeongyeon, I told you to forget about that day when I came here and broke down about my best friend.”

“Best friend you’ve been in love with since you two met, right?”

The doctor chuckled. She was about to say something when her phone rang. It was Nayeon. “You speak of the devil and she comes.”

“Is Sana there?” was Nayeon’s greeting.

“Hello to you too,” Mina stood up and went out of the room to find Sana. “She’s here. Sana? Nayeon’s on the phone. She wants to talk to you.”

Sana wiped her hands and took the phone from Mina. She whispered a thank you before she put the phone against her ear, “What’s up?”

“They’re not involved!” Nayeon said.

Sana was confused, “What do you mean?”

“Her family. They’re not involved with your mom’s death. I looked into it. It took a while but I found out they’re clean. You can come back here now. They’ll probably protect you,” the enthusiasm in Nayeon’s voice annoyed Sana.

“I don’t want to. Besides, our engagement is over. We’re just friends now. I needed her help once and if she was involved, she could’ve killed there,” Sana was not having it. She didn’t want to leave the island.

“Sana, you can come back now.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave Jeongyeon here alone without a caretaker again,” Sana’s lips did not part when she said those words.

“Why?! Is it because of that patient?! Sana, are you suddenly having feelings for her?” those words hurt. Sana’s tears fell when she sighed because finally, she accepted the truth.

“Yes. Maybe I do have feelings for Jeongyeon. Am I not allowed to have feelings for someone who sees me as me? Not someone who sees me as Sana, the powerful daughter of the Minatozakis? I’m staying here,” she ends the call and walks out of the house.

She sat on the patio and continued to cry. It hurt to admit it out loud because she wanted to keep everything bottled up. But now that she accepted and admitted it? Her emotions were out of control. It was overwhelming to feel it freely. It was like she was being consumed by her emotions for Jeongyeon.

Jeongyeon sat beside her, “You’re crying again.” The girl placed an arm on her shoulder and pulled her closer, “Tell me why you're crying but your heart is racing as well. I’m confused and at the same time worried.”

“Jeongyeon,” she cried harder. “I-I have feelings for you and I’m sorry because I tried to stop them but I can’t. I cannot remember how I started having these feelings for you but I just do. I’m so sorry. Please don’t make me leave.”

Jeongyeon took a deep breath. “Sana,” she pulled the girl closer. “I don’t know if these can be considered feelings but I don’t want you to leave as well.”

~

When Mina left the island, the two were in the living room. They weren’t in the mood to eat so they just stared at each other. Every look Jeongyeon would give, Sana would blush.

“Stop it,” Sana hid her face behind her knees and chuckled.

Jeongyeon continued to look at her with a smile, “You look beautiful, Sana. How come you don’t have a lover?”

“It’s hard when everyone looks at me like I’m a prize,” she answered. When Jeongyeon tilted her head, she continued. “I’m Minatozaki Sana. My father owns practically every building in the city. He’s ruthless, cruel, and everything that has the same meaning as that. To cover up his evil doings, I use his money for charity. My face is the face of the biggest charity in the country. I named it after my mom who passed away. She was the love of my life. My mother was my world. She was the only light in my dark world. When she was killed, I named the charity after her. Then I met Nayeon. She became famous because I made her an ambassadress of my charity. I made sure that she became successful. She’s the only friend I have even if we often fight.”

Jeongyeon continued to listen, “Why don’t you have a lover then?”

“I had a fiancee. She’s the daughter of the largest shipping company in Asia. I ran away from home before our wedding. Anyway, I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m seen as the trophy lover of all people in the city. Everyone knows me. Everybody wants me. I’m sick of it,” Sana looked at Jeongyeon. “I met you. I came here because I needed to escape the toxic world of my family but now, I don’t want to leave.”

“Don’t leave then,” Jeongyeon reached out her hand, wanting Sana to hold it.

They held hands, “For so long, the darkness brought about by my father was consuming me and then you came. Now all I see is the light. How can you do that?”

Jeongyeon chuckled, “I merely listen to your heart and you automatically love me. What can I say? I’m hard to resist.”

They stood up to walk back to their own rooms. Jeongyeon didn’t want to let Sana go. After hearing her story, she wanted to make sure that Sana will have the most peaceful sleep she could ever have. Before Sana could enter her room, Jeongyeon stopped her.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to sleep beside me?” Jeongyeon looked away. “I mean, you often sound like you’re having nightmares and I keep worrying plus I like it when I can smell your scent. It kind of calms me and helps me sleep better. But if you don’t want to, I understand. Why did -.”

Sana held her face, “I’d love to. Come, let’s sleep.”

Jeongyeon was hugging Sana from the back while they were on her bed. She felt relaxed. The sound of the ocean plus Sana’s warmth made her heart feel at ease. She inhaled Sana’s scent and said, “I never feared death. I’m not scared of anything. But now, I’m scared of hurting you.”

~

It was four am when Jeongyeon woke up without Sana’s smell consuming her. She opened her eyes to look for the girl and found Sana sleeping beside her. She took a deep breath, wanting to have the same scent around her but she didn’t smell anything. Her heart started to race.

“Sana,” she tried to wake up the girl. “Sana, wake up please,” the panic was consuming her. She couldn’t smell anything.

Sana stirred awake and looked at her, “What’s wrong?”

“Sana, I can’t smell. Nothing,” Jeongyeon took Sana’s wrist and smelled it. “Not even this close. Sana!” she started crying. She was scared. No, Jeongyeon was terrified.

Sana didn’t know what to do so she took Mina’s hospital phone and dialled the number she knew could help her. “Hello?”

“I know it’s early. But please come to this island. Trace the phone’s location. As soon as possible. I need your help. Please,” Sana almost begged her ex-fiancee while she tried to calm a crying Jeongyeon.

With a bag containing almost every essential needed, Jeongyeon and Sana waited patiently. They saw the chopper landing, “I already informed Mina. She’ll be waiting at the hospital.:

Sana walked towards the door of the chopper. It opened and a girl wearing jeans and a black cropped top came out, “Sana, really? A deserted island? And you bothered me at four in the morning.”

Sana hugged the girl, “Thanks, Momo.”

Jeongyeon was standing three meters away from. Momo saw her. She started crying. Momo broke the hug and ran to where Jeongyeon was. Sana could hear Momo’s words so clearly that it felt like she had Jeongyeon’s sense of hearing.

Momo hugged Jeongyeon. With tears running down her face, she said, “I can’t believe a day would come when I can finally have you in my arms again, Sunshine.”