i know we have other choices but i still want to choose you
i know we have other choices but i still want to choose you
~
sometimes it’s not
the butterflies that tell you
you’re in love. It’s the pain.
-anon
~
Jeongyeon’s innocent stare made Sana lean back. She shook her head and asked, “Nothing? You didn’t feel anything at all?” The girl shook her head as well, much to Sana’s amusement. “You are so interesting and frustrating at the same time.”
Sana stands up, cleaning up the table. Jeongyeon remained quiet, which was normal for them. While Sana was washing the dishes, Jeongyeon sat on the counter, “Sana, what am I supposed to feel? Tell me so I can feel it for you.”
The girl looked at Jeongyeon, “You’re not supposed to force yourself to feel something. Forcing things will never end well.” the topic was dropped when Sana smiled, “I’ll be washing our clothes today! Want to help me?”
Jeongyeon shook her head, “The sound of the washing machine makes my head hurt so much.”
“Thought so,” Sana pouted. Jeongyeon instinctively patted Sana’s head, “Jeong?”
“Hmm?” the older girl jumped off the counter and stretched her arms upward. “What is it?”
“If I start feeling something for you, what would you do?” Sana’s question stopped Jeongyeon’s movements. Sure, her other caretakers were scared of her. She understands why though, she was insufferable for them. Jeongyeon wanted to be alone. She wanted to escape the idea of being around other people. She knew she didn’t feel anything at all so why would she bother to associate herself with other people?
Jeongyeon looked at Sana, “Why would you feel something for someone as messed up as me?” the girl shook her head, “I’ve read it before that trying to fix someone broken will just break you. I’m a hopeless case. I suggest that if you start feeling something, leave me at once. I wouldn’t want to be the cause of your break.”
“That’s harsh,” Sana chuckled and placed the plates back on their cabinets. “You can’t control feelings, Jeongyeon. As much as people want to do that, it’s not in the law of nature.”
“The law of nature is subjective to begin with,” Jeongyeon put her hand on her chin. “There is nothing written regarding the said law of nature. Philosophy itself is questionable. The chair is there now, if I close my eyes, would it still be there?”
“Enough,” Sana laughs. “I’m not going to challenge you into a debate. Not my style to argue with people using words.”
“How do you argue then?” the blonde faced Sana, not wanting to end the conversation. Her mind gets intrigued at the mention of feelings. For the longest time, her caretakers were merely scared of her. Not even interested in making conversations. Jeongyeon never wanted them to leave, she was okay with another living entity around but the silence made them crazy so they all left. Sana, for some reason, can stand the silence. Sana makes the silence bearable. And her mind is nothing normal as well. For Jeongyeon, Sana is the first person who looked at her as a person and not as patient.
Sana smirked, “Wouldn’t you want to know.”
~
The next day came and Jeongyeon just finished eating breakfast. Sana wanted to wait for her but the urge to explore the garden was greater so she just left Jeongyeon some food at the table instead. Jeongyeon was by the window, watching Sana’s facial expressions. For a week now, Jeongyeon had been talking to Sana about almost everything but she never mentioned anything regarding herself. Now that Jeongyeon thought about it, Sana doesn’t talk about herself. It’s always Jeongyeon who talked about her past (limited past at that matter).
Sana felt someone watching her so she looked around and met Jeongyeon’s eyes on her. She smiled and waved. Jeongyeon smiled back and walked away.
“That weirdo,” Sana chuckled and continued watering the plants. All types of flowers grew in their garden. Sana was never a green thumb but she tries to give it her all in everything. Rather than sulking inside the house, she’d rather busy herself. She wanted to call Nayeon but she’d rather not use her own phone at the moment. Things were too messy when she left.
Tired, she went inside the house to find Jeongyeon. She wanted to talk to the girl about things people don’t normally talk about. Sana hated to admit but she found a person who has the same wavelength as her when she met Jeongyeon.
She found Jeongyeon in the living room, reading as always. “Haven’t you read that book before?” Sana sat on the couch in front of the girl. Jeongyeon looked at her and placed the book down.
“I’ve read it again but I wanted to read it again. Is that a crime?” the girl joked. Sana shook her head and laughed, “What’s up? Your heart sounds weird right now.”
“Stop listening to my heart, Jeong,” Sana rolled her eyes. “I’m bored here. What do you usually do when you have nothing else to read?”
Jeongyeon kept quiet and then answered, “I wait for new books.”
“That’s sad!” Sana whined. Jeongyeon winced, the loud voice of the girl causing her to suddenly have a headache. “Sorry,” she covered her mouth.
The girl shook her head and crossed her legs, “It’s not as if I want to be stuck here. But I have no choice so I just accept it as it is.”
“Accepting things as it is, huh?” Sana’s voice grew softer, as if not wanting Jeongyeon to hear it. She looked at Sana’s eyes. Sana’s hazel eyes have always been her asset. People who look at her normally get mesmerized and captivated by her eyes. “Sana, tell me more about yourself.”
Sana’s smile slowly turned into a teasing grin, “You’re interested in me now?” She leaned back and placed her feet on the couch as well, “There’s nothing much about my life. I’m a boring person, as people call it. But sure, ask away and I’ll answer you.”
“Nayeon… I kept thinking why Mina called her your girlfriend but you said she isn’t. Why? Who is she?” Jeongyeon asked.
Sana held her chin, “Nayeon is Nayeon now because she met me. I guess?” the girl laughed. “We were gonna date but we backed out mainly because I know her feelings are not genuine. She’s hiding something while I’m not really the type to date.”
“Are you two close?” Sana never thought about her closeness with Nayeon. Sure, they were always together due to certain circumstances but she didn’t consider it as being ‘close’. They were merely drinking buddies when the circumstances arrived.
“Not sure,” she laughed again and tilted her head. “We had sex when we were drunk once but that doesn’t count because she moaned someone else’s name and I just wanted to relieve stress.”
Jeongyeon shook her head, “Too much information.”
“I don’t care,” Sana winked. “Talking to you makes me feel free. I can tell you anything and you won’t judge me. I hate being judged.”
“What’s with being judged?”
“People judge others too much. It’s an uncontrollable habit that we as humans cannot stop. We tend to look for other people’s flaws and compare them to ourselves just so we can feel good. Imagine being the basis of standards? Nayeon once said that it’s the most difficult thing,” Sana’s tone turned serious. “Ah, you make me want to smoke.”
“I don’t smoke,” Jeongyeon rolled her eyes. “You should stop smoking, Sana. That’s bad for your health.”
“We all die anyway, right?” Sana wanted to scoff but she stopped herself. She heard that line for over a thousand times from someone else. Smoking kills people. But it’s gradual. Sana doesn’t mind. Death is nothing to be afraid of. She wants to live.
“Where’s your family?” Jeongyeon took the courage to ask Sana something about her personal background. Mina didn’t give her a background paper about Sana so she wanted to ask for herself.
Sana looked at the ceiling, “Somewhere? I’m not sure.” Jeongyeon was about to ask something again when Sana continued, “Did you know? I can bake but I cannot cook. I learned that during university days.”
“What? Baking?” thunder roared, surprising Sana. Jeongyeon groaned in pain, the loud roar made her brain feel like it splitted into two. “It’s gonna rain soon. I can smell it.”
“Yeah,” Sana was looking at the clouds. The way the light slowly disappeared from Sana’s eyes made Jeongyeon want to remove the clouds above. She wants to see more of Sana’s bright eyes. “When I was in college, my organization needed funds for our charity work so we sold brownies and cookies and all that kind of things you can bake.”
Jeongyeon kept staring at Sana, interested in what she was telling her. She took notice on how Sana’s nose wrinkles when she laughs. How her eyes disappear when she smiles. Jeongyeon saw how Sana’s laugh always tends to be louder during the first second and then slowly softens as she continues to do so.
The rain started to pour, silencing Sana from telling her stories. “The rain makes you happy,” Jeongyeon blurted out.
Sana looked at her with an amused smile, “I told you to stop listening to my heart.”
“I can’t suddenly stop hearing your heart. It beats so loud like it wants me to listen to it,” Jeongyeon stared at the window. “How does the rain feel like?”
“What do you mean?” Sana followed Jeongyeon’s line of sight and saw that the girl was looking at the pouring rain. “You’ve never tried playing under the rain?”
The girl shook her head, “I’ve always been alone here even with a caretaker around. Every time it rains, I go inside my room and watch it pour. I tried it before but then I got sick and I felt like I almost died because of the fever so I never did it again.”
Sana stood up, “Let’s go. Let’s do something you’ve never done before.” She offered her hand, “If you get sick, I’ll be here.”
Jeongyeon was hesitant. She didn’t want to experience that excruciating fever again but Sana’s smile made it look like nothing is impossible. When Sana felt Jeongyeon’s hand on hers, her smile widened. “You better make sure I don’t get sick or else Mina will scold you for not taking care of me.”
“Jeong, taking care of you is the only thing I will do,” she said. She pulled the girl towards the door. She stepped out first and looked up, “It feels the best.”
“Really?”
Sana turned to her and gave a soft smile before offering her hand again, “Come.”
There were days when she would never step out of the house. Those days were when Sana was not yet with her. But then Sana arrived, everything changed. So far for the better. Jeongyeon took Sana’s hand and stepped out of the shed. The first raindrop she felt on her cheek felt liberating. The amount of times she dreamt of being under the rain was nothing compared to what she was experiencing now.
“It’s cold,” Jeongyeon said. Sana nodded and skipped around the grass. She noticed how Sana’s eyes were brighter than before. So it was true when Sana said that she loved the rain. “Why do you love the rain?”
The girl looked at her, all wet from the rain. Water dripped from her hair to her face, “It washes out everything. A new start. Cleaning out the past.” Though the answer referred to the rain, Jeongyeon couldn’t help but think that Sana was talking about something else. “Jeongyeon, enjoy the rain while it lasts.”
The blonde looked up, “How?” she reached out her hand to catch raindrops on her palm. “How does it feel to enjoy it?”
Sana chuckled, “You set yourself free, silly!” she held Jeongyeon’s hand and pulled her around, “See this? You can be free under the rain!”
Jeongyeon looked at how Sana skipped and danced under the rain, not minding if she looked silly. Sometimes, Sana would stumble and laugh at herself. She’d stand just to make silly dance steps again. What Sana said was right, the weight on her shoulders was lifted. She laughed. Jeongyeon laughed from the bottom of her heart.
Sana stopped dancing and turned her head to Jeongyeon, who was laughing with her eyes closed. She felt her heart stop for a few seconds. Jeongyeon’s laugh sounded like music. It sounded like angels were singing. Happiness suited Jeongyeon. It suited the girl so much that Sana suddenly wanted to just make sure that Jeongyeon remains happy for a long time.
“Why?” Jeongyeon asked her in between her laughs. “You look silly.”
She took a step towards Jeongyeon, “Your laugh sounded much better than any music I’ve heard.” She didn’t know where that came from but she is sure that it was true. She could never lie. Not to Jeongyeon, at least. Being around the girl was suddenly her own version of freedom.
“Music? You mean singing, right? I think I can sing,” Jeongyeon looked at her. “If I remember, the last song I heard was You and Me by Lighthouse. It’s old, right?”
Sana nodded, “Yep. But let’s hear it. Impress me.”
Jeongyeon starts singing. Sana suddenly felt like her world stopped. The chorus part made her feel something she didn’t want to feel. Jeongyeon was becoming someone important to her at such a fast pace, she didn’t know what to do to stop it.
When the girl stopped singing, she looked at Sana, “How did I do?”
“I,” Sana couldn’t find the right words to say but Jeongyeon’s singing voice was much better than she expected. She felt hurt that life took everything away from Jeongyeon and gave her this situation for her to suffer for the rest of her life.
“I impressed you, didn’t I?” Jeongyeon chuckled and pulled Sana towards the shed. “Enough rain for today. Go shower and we will have dinner.”
Jeongyeon shook her head, wanting the droplets of water to be removed. Sana stood there, looking at the girl, “Jeong.”
The girl looked at her, “Yeah?”
She gave a soft smile, “For someone who doesn’t feel anything, you make me feel so much.” She proceeded to her room, leaving Jeongyeon confused by the doorway.
~
Nothing much changed between them. Although Sana kept her heart in check for the next few days. She didn’t want to feel something she might regret. The day for Mina to return finally came and the doctor was already by the main door. Jeongyeon welcomed her with a smile.
“Hey, Doc. Here to check on me?” Mina was surprised to see Jeongyeon’s genuine smile. She was used to Jeongyeon’s sarcastic smirks but this was the first time that Jeong gave her a smile that felt real.
Mina nodded, “Correct. Where’s Sana?” she looked around, waiting for Sana to enter her line of sight.
“I’m here!” the girl came running from the kitchen. Before she could reach Mina and Jeongyeon, she tripped.
Mina expected Sana on the floor but she was more surprised when Jeongyeon caught Sana. She was holding the caretaker’s hand and waist, supporting her from falling. “You’re loud and clumsy. What kind of caretaker are you?”
Sana chuckled, “Stop being cranky. Mina’s here.” She turned to the doctor, “Want drinks? Food? I can cook lunch now. Go do your doctor thingy and I’ll prepare. Jeong, be nice.”
“I’m always nice to Doctor Myoui,” the girl started walking towards the bedroom that turned into a consultation room.
Mina followed Jeongyeon, still surprised by the improvement and changes in Jeongyeon’s attitude. She was willingly touching and holding someone now. Mina knew that it hurts Jeong to get touched and touch someone else but she endured it earlier.
“So, how’s Sana as your caretaker?” Mina asked after the check up. They were still inside the room, “I brought new books as you requested.”
“Thanks,” Jeongyeon rested her chin on her palm. “Sana? She’s okay. We talk everyday and it’s refreshing to hear other people’s opinion regarding things. Normally other caretakers would leave after cooking me food but Sana? She joins me and makes sure I eat a lot. Where did you find her anyway? She’s, by far, the most okay caretaker I had.”
Talkative. Jeongyeon was talkative now. It was all thanks to Sana. Mina never imagined that a day would come where Jeongyeon would become talkative but look at her now.
“You look okay yourself,” Mina wrote down her observations. She emphasized on her notes how light Jeongyeon looked.
Jeongyeon nodded, “I think I’m still the same. Sana made me play under the rain a few days ago though. It was nice. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I’ve always wondered how it would feel to have raindrops on my skin. My curiosity has been satisfied.”
A knock disturbed them, “Lunch is ready.” Sana’s voice resonated from outside.
Jeongyeon stood up and turned to Mina, “She finally learned how to cook. Try it. It tastes okay.”
The doctor followed and went to the kitchen. She sat in front of Sana while Jeongyeon sat beside her. Mina continued to observe them, wanting to find out more of how they interact.
“Jeong, I tried this recipe from the internet. It turned the chicken orange. It’s not sweet and sour though,” Sana explained. Jeongyeon continued to listen and took some rice from the bowl. “Taste it. I need to know if it’s okay.”
Jeongyeon took a bite, “It’s fine. Eat up, Sana.”
Mina took it as a signal to start eating before the two started to notice that she was observing. “Sana, this is actually good. Congrats.”
“Thanks!” Jeongyeon winced when Sana’s voice raised slightly, “Oh, sorry, Jeong.”
Jeongyeon waved her hand dismissively and continued to eat. Sana looked at Mina, “Mina, do you mind if I borrow your phone? I want to check up on Nayeon.”
“Sure, here,” she gave her phone and Sana stood up to make a call.
Jeongyeon remained quiet and finished eating. “Sometimes, she’s too loud that even when I’m inside the study room, reading, I can hear her arguing with a plant. A plant, Doctor. I think being isolated is finally taking a toll on her.”
Mina laughed, “I think that’s just her.”
“I SAID NO!” Sana’s shout made Jeongyeon wince but she stood up and went to where Sana was.
They found Sana arguing with Nayeon on the phone. Her shoulders were shaking because of anger and to Mina’s further surprise, Jeongyeon held the girl’s shoulder, calming her down. Sana ended the call and started crying. Jeong looked like she didn’t know what to do. She looked lost.
Mina went to the consultation room to check on Jeongyeon’s files. Mina found what she was looking for and scanned through the pages. Her finger stopped at a certain bullet.
~ Cannot stand physical touch. Unbearable pain.
The doctor placed the file back and went to the two girls again. She found Jeongyeon hugging Sana. She looked like she was in pain but Jeongyeon continued to hug Sana until the girl stopped crying.
Sana stopped crying and broke the hug, “Why did you hug me? Aren’t you hurting right now because of it?”
Jeongyeon tilted her head, “You were hurting so I thought I’d bear a little of the pain with you.”