Feuillemort

but if you think i am okay, then should i start living?

~

come on, sweetheart
let’s adore one another
before there is no more
of you and me.
-RUMI

~

“Teach me how to take care of you,” Sana’s words echoed in the cold night. Over and over again, Jeongyeon thought of how the girl could say something as heavy as that. Did Sana even know how messed up her life is? Jeongyeon couldn’t fathom as to why the girl said that in the first place. She did not answer the girl but rather, she got up, placed the plate on the sink and then went to her room.

Sana, on the other hand, thought that maybe she was too straight forward. Maybe Jeongyeon didn’t like how she approached the situation. “Maybe it sounded too loud?” she turned around again, tossing and turning on her bed.

She wanted to apologize to the girl but she opted to let Jeongyeon rest after the fever. Tomorrow, she will definitely apologize. She knew even from before that she might come off strong sometimes so it’s definitely with the way she said something. Sana wanted to check her phone but she remembered that Nayeon strictly reminded her that if they will talk, Mina will be the one to contact the island and not the other way around. Maybe Nayeon’s still busy fixing things there. Sana hoped she’s safe. Nayeon’s the only person she could trust.

~

The next morning, Sana used the tablet just resting around the living room to search for steps on how to cook for breakfast. She tried three times before she finally successfully cooked a decent pancake. She took a bite and got satisfied by how it tasted. She cooked roughly ten pieces, five for both of them, and then started cleaning. For roughly three years, Sana had lived independently so she knows a few things about cleaning. Although she still hired a service cleaner because she was too busy with her own life to even clean her own unit.

Jeongyeon went out of her room because of the smell of food. She felt hungry, a basic feeling she luckily retained. She found Sana wearing an apron and washing the dishes she used for cooking, “Good morning,” she greeted as a courtesy.

Sana turned to her and smiled, “Good morning, Jeongyeon.” the girl wiped her hands dry and then gestured to the table, “Pancakes and bacon. I hope you eat them because I worked hard to cook.”

The girl sat down on the chair where she usually sits. “Looks delicious, Sana.” she complimented. Sana smiled at her again and then went back to washing the dishes. She doesn’t start eating. Jeongyeon patiently waits for Sana to finish.

Sana noticed that Jeongyeon wasn’t moving. Rather, the girl was just resting her chin on her hand and was watching her, “Is something wrong?” she asked Jeongyeon. Sana finished washing the dishes and was now walking towards the table.

The blonde girl picked up her fork, “Let’s eat. Have a seat.” Without another word, Jeongyeon started eating, taking a bite of pancake Sana cooked. “It’s nice. I assumed you couldn’t cook. My apologies.”

“I can’t. I googled it. I almost used up all the eggs though. I’m sorry,” Sana giggled. She started eating as well. The lingering thought of apologizing kept popping inside her mind. She allowed it to stay for a while before shooing it away. Once again, the comfortable silence was there, although there was tension as well.

“Sana,” Jeongyeon placed her fork down and looked at her. Jeongyeon’s eyes showed confusion and a little bit of hesitance. “About last night, during dinner,” she continued.

Sana cut her off, “I’m sorry. I realized that it was too straight forward of me and that you’re not used to it. I should have been more considerate of how you would react.”

Jeongyeon, for the first time, was surprised. It wasn’t something that she felt per se but it was something foreign for her. Normally, doctors would force her to do things, tell her to do things without thinking if she was comfortable with it. It was only Mina who used to ask for her permission with every touch using a stethoscope or an injection. Jeongyeon always said yes but she appreciated the courtesy and respect.

“I’ll teach you,” Jeongyeon said as a matter-of-factly. She doesn’t know what gave her that idea because she knew that sooner or later, Sana would probably leave as well. Just like the other caretakers but she couldn’t care. After all, she wanted to live and die alone.

Sana looked at her with a confused face, “What?”

Jeongyeon answered her, this time with a straight face, “I’ll teach you. You wanted to take care of me, right?” Sana nodded. “Okay, then I’ll teach you how hard it is. It will be so hard that you might have to leave the island.” She stood up, already finished eating, and then walked away.

Sana, for the nth time, smiled. She cleaned up and washed the second batch of dishes before she took a stroll around the house. There wasn’t much to see except for the random plants and bugs (which scared her). Sana couldn’t count how many times she screamed because she was surprised by a bug or an insect or even an animal around the house. She saw a frog, a squirrel, a rabbit, and insects (hopefully not poisonous). Little did she know, Jeongyeon was looking at her from the veranda of her room, quietly laughing at her little struggles in life.

Jeongyeon almost wished she was like Sana. To be able to feel fear, happiness, sadness. Basically, to be human. But that’s the thing, it’s only an almost. She’d still choose this situation. If it means not feeling ever again. She suddenly felt dizzy, like her world was spinning. Jeongyeon fell on her bed. The immense pain in her head was nothing new but definitely was something she will never get used to no matter how many times it came.

~

It was before noon that Sana knocked at Jeongyeon’s door, “Are you awake? I searched the house and didn’t see you.” she opened the door and saw Jeongyeon in bed, asleep.

Sana sat on a chair there and noticed the markings of tears that passed by Jeongyeon’s cheek. She wanted to wipe them but she refrained herself. Sana knew that Jeongyeon wasn’t the time to appreciate physical touch due to her situation. Sana respected that. She didn’t want to offend anyone anymore. Rather, she didn’t want to lose anyone anymore.

Jeongyeon stirred awake, looking around to see Sana sitting on her chair with her own eyes closed. She stared at the girl, wondering why someone as pretty as Sana would agree to settle as a caregiver for someone as messed up as her. Curiosity consumed her as she sat up and sat directly across Sana, almost memorizing her features. Jeongyeon took note of how perfectly pointed Sana’s nose is. The lashes resting on her eyes were long enough to be mistaken as fake. Sana’s lips looked moist, as if always wearing a lip gloss. Jeongyeon hated to admit but she craved for physical touch, not sex, but to be able to hold someone. She reached out, wanting to touch Sana. Feel someone else’s skin aside from hers. Before she could touch the tip of Sana’s finger, she retracted her own hand. She didn’t want to take advantage of Sana’s sleeping state.

She stood up and took the blanket from her bed. She carefully placed it around Sana, making sure not to wake the girl. Jeongyeon went out of her room and went to the study room. She was on the last book she has yet to read. It wasn’t until someone knocked that she stopped reading, “It’s open.”

Sana’s head peeked, “Are you hungry? Do you eat bulgogi?” the girl asked. Jeongyeon noticed Sana’s brown eyes. They almost looked fake but why would Sana wear contact lenses in a place like this?

She shook her head, “Is something wrong with you?” she suddenly asked.

Jeongyeon motioned Sana to come inside and sit on the vacant chair, “What do you mean?”

“Your heart, it beats a little differently,” Jeongyeon closed her eyes and listened to Sana’s beating heart. “Yes, it’s a little slower than earlier. You are sad.”

She wanted to lie but then again, Jeongyeon would know if she was lying. “Have you ever lost someone you loved so much?” Sana asked her.

Jeongyeon was taken aback. She remembers enough to know that she lost someone that she loved in the past. She couldn’t remember who and how it felt but she did remember some of her memories. With hesitance, she answered, “Yes.”

Sana frowned, “Do you mind if I ask you to tell me that? I want to forget mine.” The vulnerability in Sana’s voice made Jeongyeon want to remember all her memories just so she can make Sana forget. Since Sana came three days ago, she started having experiences that felt both foreign and natural to her.

She started remembering vivid scenarios in her mind. “I think I met her during the closing of my restaurant.” Jeongyeon frowned, trying to remember her life before the turning point. “And then we moved in,” she closed her eyes, concentrating deeper. “Wedding.. And then nothing more.”

“You’re married?” Sana’s eyes widened in surprise. She didn’t know. Mina didn’t tell her that Jeongyeon has a wife waiting for her. But then again, Jeongyeon might even know if her wife (assuming they are married) is alive.

Jeongyeon shook her head, “I think not. I cannot remember anything regarding a wedding day. But I think there was supposed to be a wedding.” She opened her eyes and met Sana’s, “I think the explosion happened during the supposed wedding.”

Sana’s heart sank. In her mind, Jeongyeon’s life before the explosion was picture perfect. She was a chef, she had her own restaurant, she was going to marry someone. But then life messed it all up and now she’s alone.

“Where are you from?” Sana asked. She never heard of Jeongyeon as a famous chef. With Sana’s lifestyle, she should have at least visited the girl’s restaurant.

Jeongyeon took a deep breath, “You know that island where criminals are born and useless people were thrown at? That’s where I’m from. It doesn’t exist now because the explosion wiped out every bit of existence there. Even the island was wiped out of the map.”

“A-Abyssal island?” Sana covered her mouth in surprise. She heard about the explosion three years ago.

“Yeah. My parents were criminals, they got caught but since they were too skilled, the government couldn’t kill them. So they were thrown to Abyssal Island. They had me,” Jeongyeon explained. “Well, that’s what my records told me, at least. I cannot remember their faces nor my own date of birth but I guess that’s correct because that’s the same record Mina uses when she conducts her check up.”

Sana felt immense sadness by hearing Jeongyeon’s backstory. And it wasn’t even all of it. She didn’t know how to react but then Jeongyeon spoke again, “No need to worry, Sana. Calm your heart. It doesn’t bother me. I’ve accepted that this is my reality now.”

That was when Sana noticed the single ring that Jeongyeon was wearing as a necklace. It looked like topaz. It was red, almost pink. But it rested in Jeongyeon’s neck. Now that she remembered it, the first day that she met Jeongyeon, the girl was wearing the same necklace.

“My necklace?” Jeongyeon touched the ring. “This was hers. It was said that I bought it. I have no memory of it but I keep it with me because it’s the only memoir of my past life. The only thing I want to remember.”

“I’m sorry for opening it up,” Sana apologized. During the whole time that Jeongyeon was narrating her limited memory of her life, her straight face didn’t go away. Sana almost felt like Jeongyeon was a CD being played because there were no emotions in her voice. But it was also weird because she felt the pain of it. With limited words, she felt like her own world was exploding itself.

“Don’t be. It’s refreshing to talk about it every once in a while. Earlier, I had an attack. A normal one where I would get severe migraine and then start seeing images of the explosion. My own body is covered in blood.. My memories and former family. But I am not sure if it was my family or work friends because they have no faces in my flashbacks. I cannot even remember the face of my own lover,” Jeongyeon stood up and returned the book. “Sana, remind me to tell Mina that she should bring more books the next time she visits. I’m out of books. I cannot stand not doing anything for days.”

Sana followed Jeongyeon out of the study room, “We’re losing our stocks. How are we going to the market?”

“We don’t. The supply will be here tomorrow. Every week, they deliver food supplies, tampons, napkins, anything you want to be delivered actually,” they reached the kitchen. It was already around two in the afternoon. “Can you cook fish and rice?”

“Sure thing,” Sana looked for the tablet and searched for a dish to cook. Jeongyeon prepared the rice since she didn’t want Sana serving her. As much as possible, she wanted to divide the chores. Jeongyeon made sure to tell Mina before that she wanted a companion, not a caregiver. She can take care of herself. But it’s making her insane to not have someone to talk to.

“Why were you sad earlier?” Jeongyeon broke the silence. Slowly, she knew she was being comfortable around Sana. Deep inside, she wanted Sana to not leave like the rest. But of course, it’s not in her mind to hope. She knows that Sana will leave. The thing is, she already heard the conversation between Sana and Mina. A month or less before Sana returns to Nayeon, whoever that is.

“I miss someone,” Sana ended the conversation so abruptly. Before Jeongyeon could react, Sana looked at her and smiled, “So, how’s sweet and sour fish for tonight?”

The topic was dropped in an instant. Jeongyeon forgot about it. But Sana did not. At the back of her mind, she would have appreciated it more if Jeongyeon didn’t bring it up again. But then again, it was Jeongyeon. She didn’t know how to read atmospheres and to test waters. She just went on with it.

“It sounds amazing,” Sana’s heart stopped for a second when Jeongyeon smiled back at her. She dropped the tablet. “What’s wrong?”

“Y-You smiled,” she pointed at Jeongyeon’s face.

The girl realized what she had done and then did it again, “Yeah. I learned it from you. How do I look?” Jeongyeon’s smile wasn’t as natural as Sana’s normal smile but nonetheless, she looked breathtaking. Jeongyeon was so beautiful. It was almost impossible to be that beautiful. To think that before, she could laugh and smile effortlessly. Feel love and happiness. And then in a moment, it was taken away from her.

“You look beautiful,” Sana said it in a tone so gentle that Jeongyeon stopped smiling and stared back at her.

It was silent. Nothing but the waves of the ocean could be heard. The rays of light from the glass window made Sana’s eyes shine in the most beautiful way that Jeongyeon almost felt pain that she couldn’t be compared to how goddess-like she was. Jeongyeon smiled, this time a little more natural, “You look more beautiful, Sana.”

Her heart raced. It wasn’t new for Sana to have a crush but to have a crush on a patient she was supposed to be taking care of? It felt wrong. It was just the two of them in that moment, in that house, Sana didn’t think of what was right or wrong. She just allowed herself to feel again.

~

Lunch was unexpectedly awkward. At least for Sana. Jeongyeon continued acting normal, definitely not bothered by their moment earlier. Sana was the one definitely bothered though. She felt alive with a simple sentence that Jeongyeon said. Her emotions suddenly went all over the place. She wanted to run away just so she can stop her own heart from beating too fast. She knew that Jeongyeon heard her heart because the girl looked at her weirdly and continued waiting until she finished cooking.

“Sana, are you having a heart attack? Your heart’s been beating rapidly since earlier,” Jeongyeon reached out and touched her forehead. Sana stopped herself from flinching. She didn’t want Jeongyeon to feel bad for being concerned. Slowly, she was seeing progress in Jeongyeon so she didn’t want to accidentally revert Jeongyeon back just because she was having internal and personal issues.

“I’m fine, Jeong,” Sana held Jeongyeon’s hand. They were softer than Sana expected them to be. She felt herself blushing. “Maybe it’s the weather? I’m kinda sensitive to sudden changes of weather,” she explained.

“Okay,” she retracted her hand. Sana missed the warmth instantly but she shook her head, “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she chuckled. Sana couldn’t help but stare at Jeongyeon’s side profile. She couldn’t stop remembering how beautiful Jeongyeon was while smiling earlier. She got so used by the girl’s neutral face that she didn’t imagine her smiling. It was something that she wanted to see over and over again.

~

The next day, it was already Sana’s fourth day on the island. She found Jeongyeon already drinking coffee by the counter. “Hey, you should have woken me up.”

Jeongyeon looked at her and smiled. The girl wouldn’t stop smiling since yesterday and it was both good and bad for Sana. Good because slowly, Jeongyeon was becoming normal (if that was possible) and bad because Sana couldn’t sleep because the same smile haunted her even in her dreams. It would have been better if Jeongyeon frowned because Sana was used to it.

The telephone rang so Sana automatically picked it up. “Hello?” she answered.

“It’s Mina. How are you? It’s your fourth day,” she looked at Jeongyeon who was already looking at her. By the looks of it, Jeongyeon heard what Mina said.

“I’m doing really well. Jeongyeon is teaching me things so I can be a better caretaker for her,” that seemed to surprise Mina but Sana didn’t mind. She liked the idea that Jeongyeon was treating her a little bit differently than anyone else. Even Mina. There was a certain pride in her chest that kept rising.

“That’s good. How is she by the way?” Sana stared back at Jeongyeon who was smiling at her while drinking coffee.

“She’s smiling right now. Obviously, she heard you. Ah, she’s looking at me,” Sana chuckled. “Jeong, please. It’s rude to eavesdrop.”

The girl raised her hands, “It’s not my fault but fine. I will choose to not hear your conversation.”

“Is that possible?” she asked but Jeongyeon already covered her ears and left the kitchen. “Well, that was an effort. Hello? Mina? Jeongyeon’s doing well. She's been a little playful since yesterday.”

Sana couldn’t see but Mina’s eyes widened. In a short amount of time, three days to be exact, there were already changes in Jeongyeon’s behavior. She wanted to go to the island to see it for herself but she’d rather not. It was too early to risk a relapse. “Then that’s good. I assume I won’t be sending a boat for you?”

“No need. I’m staying. Jeongyeon and I will try to discuss some theories. Oh, by the way, she said to send her more books. She’s about to finish the last one,” when Mina ended the call, Sana turned around to find Jeongyeon leaning on a wall, waiting for her.

“You still haven’t made breakfast,” the taller girl said. Sana rolled her eyes and went to the counter.

“I know, I will make one now,” she took some eggs and started cooking.

“Are you leaving now?” there was something in Jeongyeon’s voice that Sana couldn’t pinpoint. Although she was sure that that something wasn’t there before.

“Why would I leave?” Sana asked, putting some cooking oil in the pan. “Sunny side up?”

Jeongyeon sat on one of the stools, “Scrambled.” The girl nodded and scrambled an egg. “You’re not?”

“Leaving? No. I like it here,” Sana took some bread and placed it in front of Jeongyeon. “Eat up.”

“Thanks,” the girl started eating. “You don’t want to go back to Nayeon?”

Sana stopped cooking and looked at Jeongyeon’s eyes, “How did you know about Nayeon and why do you think I’d go back to her?”

The girl shrugged, “I heard Mina and you talking about her. She’s your girlfriend, right?”

A laugh escaped Sana’s lips, “This is what you get when you eavesdrop, Ms. Jeongyeon.”

“What? Am I wrong?” Jeongyeon was about to take another bite when Sana answered.

“Nayeon is definitely not my lover. She’s not my type,” she sat beside Jeongyeon and then started eating her own scrambled egg.

“What is your type then?” Jeongyeon asked out of pure curiosity.

Sana wanted to be playful but she was also serious when she answered Jeongyeon’s innocent question, “Would it be too straightforward if my answer is you?”

Jeongyeon looked at her. Their eyes met. “What?”

She was frozen. It was something definitely new. She didn’t know how to react. It was something she never experienced before. Even with a quarter of her memories. “My type. I’m saying it’s you,” Sana smiled playfully and stared at her.