Feuillemort

i am the hopeless person every human aspires to be

~

real loneliness is not necessarily

limited to when you are alone

-Charles Bukawski

~

Sana stood by the main door, completely shocked by how the events turned. She never met anyone who right on made her feel so unwanted. As if there wasn’t any holding back from Jeongyeon’s voice. She felt Mina’s touch on her arm, she looked at the girl and smiled, “Wow.” Sana chuckled, “What a greeting.”

The shorter girl sighed, “I told you to keep quiet. She has needs that are really hard to explain and I just hope you understand because behind whatever it is that she is feeling, she’s a really nice person.” Mina’s hand squeezed her arm gently. She shrugged and continued to enter the glass house.

The interior didn’t fail to amaze her. It lived the impression it made when Sana first saw it. Mina followed her and showed her around the house, “If she’s alone, why does she live in such a house?”

The modern design of the house really impressed Sana. Her bedroom is at the third door on the right. She placed her bags inside and explored her room, thinking if she can live here with a complete stranger. Although Mina did mention that Jeongyeon was harmless. What could an isolated patient do to her? Well, Jeongyeon can murder and hide her body somewhere in the island and people wouldn’t notice because first of all, there aren’t any people around except the two of them.

“Jeongyeon’s case is…” Mina struggled to find the perfect word. “Peculiar, I guess. Even I, as a doctor, cannot explain it thoroughly. Even after continuous studies about her case, we’re still having that “ what is this” kind of situation. Every check up I do, something new happens so I don’t have a concrete explanation of what her situation is right now.”

Sana chuckled, “It’s either you like her or you’re just really fond of your work.” The doctor stood straight and cleared her throat, “My guess is it’s the first one?”

Mina gave her a straight face, “I am here purely because of my profession as a doctor. Her case is the biggest challenge of my career as a doctor.”

The taller girl raised her hands, “Chill. I was just messing with you.” Sana chuckled and turned around. At the back of her mind, she knew she was correct. Although she won’t push it as much. She’ll respect Mina’s choice to keep it to herself..

After she fixed all her stuff (which isn't much), Sana went out of her room and looked for Mina. Sana found the girl sipping tea in the kitchen. Mina offered her some but she shook her head, “I’ll be leaving in a while. If you need help or you want leave just use your phone and I’ll arrange the boat to be your service right away.”

She looked around, looking for Jeongyeon, “Where is she?” the spacious walls of the house felt empty. Somehow, Sana felt like this was more of a prison than an isolation area for the girl’s special needs. The corners seemed cruel and the floor felt like it would slowly devour your sanity. The idea made Sana shiver.

“She’s usually like that,” Mina answered her while she sipped her tea. The girl’s eyes roamed around the house, similar to what Sana did. Somehow, they made eye contact and agreed on the idea that the house is really like a cell. A fancy cell - if that is a term- for someone. “She disappears inside this house whenever someone is around. She’s taking this ‘isolation’ thing too seriously, if you ask me,” the doctor laughed and stood up, washing the cup she used and putting it back in the cupboard.

“Are you leaving now?” she asked. Mina nodded and wiped her hands with a cloth, “I guess I’ll see you two weeks from now?” Sana walked beside the girl as they exited the house. They’ve silently agreed to walk towards the docks again, just so they can talk more.

“My initial bet is to see you in four days. Prove me wrong, okay? I don’t know how long the issue with Nayeon will go but I hope you two become friends. Jeongyeon… She needs someone to talk to. No matter how-,” Mina looked upwards, thinking of a word to use. “Unbothered. Yep, that’s the word. She looks unbothered but according to human studies, people need someone to talk to in order to evolve. Maybe you can be a friend to her. She doesn’t have that.”

Sana stopped walking as they reached the shore, “Aren’t you?”

“I’d like to think that I am but my profession hinders us from establishing trust. She thinks I’m only here to study her. Which is okay because that is partially true. It’s complicated, really. But when you’re ready, go inside the first bedroom. It was converted to be a clinic. Her records are there. I wouldn’t suggest you read that before getting to know her though.” Mina boarded the boat and gave her a small wave.

“Geez,” Sana ran her fingers through her hair. “I’m in a complicated sitch, huh?” she chuckled and walked back to the main house. The island reminds her of Balesin, only smaller.

As she reached the main house, coldness consumed her insides. She closed the door and made sure it was locked. Even though there weren’t any people around, she’d still feel safer if the doors were locked. Sana checked her watch, four thirty-seven, she still had some few hours to spare to look around the house. Aside from the modern style of the house, she was also intrigued by the atmosphere. It’s almost like an open space because everything was made of glass.

She opened one door, across hers, and a whole closet of clothes. Sana figured that it was Jeongyeon who owns it. They were the only two who lived there so it must be hers. She didn’t go inside because she didn’t want to intrude the girl’s privacy. She opened the door next to her room and saw another bedroom. Nothing much was inside so she proceeded to the next one. Just as Mina said, it looked like a makeshift clinic. Almost like a consultation room for doctors and patients. Sana didn’t feel like she was ready to read Jeongyeon’s files so she closed the door and closed her eyes.

You know what happens when you get too nosy, Sana.

She took a deep breath and patted herself on the back, “Aja, aja, Sana.” She chuckled and proceeded to go downstairs. She doesn’t know what to expect but to her surprise, a line of vintage vehicles were in a line, as if in a gallery. There were at least four cars parked there, all vintage from the movies, if she was correct.

When she finished admiring the cars, she noticed the door by the stairs. Since she didn’t see Jeongyeon in any of the rooms upstairs, she knocked. “It’s open,” Jeongyeon’s soft voice echoed.

Sana opened the door and peeked, “Hi.” Her voice was almost inaudible, softer than a normal whisper. “Uhm…”

The blonde was sitting inside -what seemed to be- the study room, reading a book. Jeongyeon looked at her and raised an eyebrow, waiting for Sana to speak.

“I, uhm, I want to apologize,” she whispered again. Jeongyeon placed her book down and uncrossed her legs, “I might have offended you earlier.”

The blonde cocked her head, “Offended?” Sana’s mood lifted when Jeongyeon talked to her. She remembered Mina saying that Jeongyeon rarely talks to someone, especially her caretakers. But hearing the girl talk to her made her happy.

“Yeah!” she nodded and opened the door, standing completely by the entrance of the room. Jeongyeon winced again, “Oh, I should whisper.”

There was confusion in Jeongyeon’s face, “You’re a weird caretaker.”

“I get that a lot,” Sana entered the room and gently closed the door behind her. She looked around and saw the room full of books, almost like a mini library, “You like reading?”

Jeongyeon took her book again and nodded, “It’s the only thing I can do here.” Sana saw different genres of books. Philosophy, psychology, poetry, fiction, classics, everything was there. “Do you read?”

The blonde was actually asking her something. “Kind of. I mostly read narratives and biographies of famous people in history.” Sana took a seat and observed Jeongyeon’s features.

“I don’t usually let people stare at me but you look like you’re really curious about what I am. And you’re the first person to ever apologize so go on,” the girl met her eyes and Sana immediately shivered. Jeongyeon’s stare felt like she was being observed under a microscope. She didn’t feel any emotion from the stare. But she felt immense curiosity and somehow, emptiness. Although Sana couldn’t figure out if she was correct.

Seeing as they were sitting across each other, Sana tried her best to avoid Jeongyeon’s gaze but she failed miserably, “Aren’t you awkward?” she laughed.

Jeongyeon leaned closer, “What are you feeling?”

“What?” she backed away but the girl leaned closer again, “What are you doing?”

The girl backed away, leaning on the chair, “Weird. Your heart raced, your temperature rose but you don’t look like you have a fever.” Jeongyeon stood up and placed the book back on the shelf, “How did you feel when I came close? Did you feel happy? Did you feel nervous?” the girl asked when she turned around, looking at Sana and waiting for answers.

“I felt weirded out,” Sana answered honestly. She stood up and walked towards the door, “I didn’t notice but it’s already eight thirty.”

“If you want to eat, just help yourself in the kitchen. I’m not particularly hungry,” Jeongyeon exited the room first and went upstairs. By the time Sana got up, the girl was already closing the door of her room.

“That girl’s weird,” Sana told herself but she also chuckled. “She’s the good type of weird though,” she opened the door to her room and quickly checked her phone. No notifications from Nayeon or anyone she knew. She turned it off and prepared her clothes before going to bed.

~

Morning was bright as the sun’s rays attacked Sana’s eyes. One of the cons of sleeping in a glass house is that mother nature is free to attack the person anytime with her blinding light in the morning. She groaned and harshly sat up on the bed, “I fucking hate mornings.”

She brushed her teeth and fixed her hair before going out of her room. She went to the kitchen, looking for food, “I’m hungry.” Jeongyeon said, looking at her with her arms crossed.

“Why didn’t you eat then?” Sana fixed herself a cup of coffee and rolled her eyes. Jeongyeon sat on one of the stools and placed her chin on her hand, “What?”

“You’re my caretaker,” Jeongyeon said, as a matter of factly. “Cook for us,” there was no holding back or filter in her words.

Sana stopped sipping coffee, “Me? Cook?” she blinked her eyes. Once, twice, but Jeongyeon just stared at her and nodded. She sighed, frustrated, “Fine. You are not allowed to complain.”

She opened the fridge and took out the eggs. Jeongyeon left, maybe going to the study again to read. She also took out some spices from the pantry and stock room. Sana stared at the stove. She metally said fuck it and turned the burner on. Flame ablazed upward, making her scream in terror. Not even a minute, Jeongyeon arrived and turned off the stove, “Seriously?” the girl looked at her, tired.

“What? It was about to attack me,” Sana stomped her feet and turned around, embarrassed.

Jeongyeon took the eggs from her hands and grabbed a bowl, “You should’ve admitted that you couldn’t cook, Sana.” the way her name slipped out of Jeongyeon’s lips sounded divine for some reason. The girl’s voice was cold but it also felt genuine. As if she was hiding nothing. Sana knew for the longest time how it sounded to be fooled by people who were faking genuine kindness. But she couldn’t feel it with Jeongyeon’s cold voice.

“I do know how to cook, okay? Just not with stoves,” Sana took Jeongyeon’s seat earlier, the stool, and watched as the girl cooked for the two of them.

“As if I’d believe that lie. I can tell from the beating of your heart, Sana. You’re lying and you are terrible at that act,” the blonde minced green onions and included it in the scrambled egg she was cooking.

“Fine, I don’t cook. Happy now?” she admitted in an annoyed tone. Jeongyeon looked at her and shook her head, “I can wash the dishes though. People hate doing that stuff right?”

“You sound like you were born with a silver spoon, your highness,” the blonde said sarcastically. Sana lost her smile, “What?”

“Just because I can’t cook doesn’t mean I lived comfortably,” she answered. “What about you? Where did you learn how to cook?” by the time Sana asked, Jeongyeon was already putting a plate in front of her.

“Mina said I was a chef before I got here. And besides, with all those caregivers who left? I learned to cook by myself,” Jeongyeon took a bite and nodded, satisfied with her cooking. “It’s a hassle though.”

Sana was also satisfied with the taste of Jeongyeon’s cooking, “What do you mean by it being a hassle?”

The blonde looked at her, confused, “Mina didn’t tell you about me?” when she shook her head, Jeongyeon hummed, “It’s a hassle because since I cooked, expect me to have a fever by the end of the day. So much for a caretaker now, huh?”

“And you’re talkative,” Sana answered. Jeongyeon raised an eyebrow and scoffed, as if it didn’t matter to her, “How will you find a husband in that condition?”

The blonde took her plate and placed it on the sink, “First of all, men are disgusting. Pretty sure even before all of this,” she gestured her hand up and down herself. “I wasn’t attracted to men. And second of all, I don’t worry about that. I don’t feel anything. Aside from the pain caused by certain high voices,” Jeongyeon looked at her, accusing her voice.

Sana stuck out her tongue and said, “What?”

“I don’t feel things. Not happiness, not sadness. Neither fear nor excitement. I’m apathetic, as they say,” Jeongyeon wiped her hands and faced her again. “People think it’s fun but I think it’s boring. I often read romance stories just to see if I will feel things but nothing happens.”

“That’s sad,” Sana stood up and walked towards the sink. She thought about Jeongyeon’s situation. The mere idea of not being happy nor sad made her feel lost. How can someone live without having to feel anything?

Jeongyeon sat on the counter, “I don’t know what sad feels but it must be something that can affect you because your breathing has slowed down.”

“You sound creepy,” Sana laughed, not minding if her new found friend doesn’t feel anything. It instantly became her goal to make Jeongyeon happy, at least almost close to happiness.

~

After sunset, Sana went to the kitchen to look for something to cook. She remembered that Jeongyeon was sick, at least that’s what she told her earlier, so she proceeded to the master’s bedroom and entered without knocking.

“Jeongyeon, I’m here. Make sure you’re dressed decently,” she entered the bedroom and found the girl asleep with a blanket covering her. “Hey,” she rushed towards the girl and touched her forehead. Jeongyeon winced, as if in pain again.

“Don’t worry, it’ll go away in a while. Just give me cold water,” Jeongyeon tried to sit, struggling in the process. Sana saw the mini ref by the corner of the room and took bottled water from inside. She helped Jeongyeon drink before assisting the girl to rest again.

“How long till it goes away?” she asked, wiping the sweat on the girl’s forehead. Sana felt sad with what she was witnessing. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s nothing new. No need to apologize about it,” the blonde’s temperature slowly went down, like what she said.

“I think you should eat. I’ll cook,” Jeongyeon raised her eyebrow, questioning her words. “But you have to come with me. Teach me what to do just so we can eat. Also for future use since I’m your caretaker. Might as well get used to it?”

With a lot of struggle, Jeongyeon and Sana reached the kitchen. Sana helped Jeong sit on one of the stools again before she walked towards the other side, the kitchen. “What do you want?”

“Just fry some meat and we’re good. Not too fancy because you might burn this house and we’ll both be homeless,” the girl rested her head on the counter, closing her eyes. “Follow my instruction and it won’t become poison.”

“Okay. I will pretend that what you said wasn't a lowkey insult,” Sana rolled her eyes and followed every instruction Jeongyeon said. Even with her eyes closed, the girl could tell if she was finished doing what was asked.

Fortunately, Sana didn’t burn the house. Rather, she made a decent plating of the fried pork and cooked rice she prepared (under Jeongyeon’s supervision and instruction) for the both of them. She set up the dining table and took the pitcher of water from inside the fridge. When she turned to Jeong, Sana found the girl asleep. She checked the temperature and true enough, the fever was already gone.

“Hey, wake up,” she tried to talk as softly as possible. Sana was afraid that her loud voice would hurt Jeongyeon again.

Jeongyeon’s eyes opened, meeting hers. It was the way her eyes were still sleepy that Sana felt like Jeongyeon wasn’t that cold person she believes to be. There was a hint of emptiness in her eyes but not even a second later, it turned back to normal. The cold and indifferent eyes were back, “You done?” the girl sat up and stretched.

“Yeah, come on before it gets cold,” Sana helped Jeongyeon towards the dining table.

The girl looked at the plating and took a bite. Sana waited, anticipating what Jeongyeon would say, “It’s okay. Not bad.”

Sana beamed. Her face stretched because of her smile, “Thanks.”

The blonde didn’t say anything. She liked quiet nights like this one. “You did well today,” Jeongyeon said. She read it before that when complimenting people after doing a job made them feel happy. She hoped that with this gesture of hers, Sana would be happier.

Sana didn’t disappoint, she smiled so widely that Jeongyeon almost smiled too, “Hey Jeong?”

“Hmm?” she continued to eat.

“Why not teach me how to cook?” Sana looked at the blonde, not blinking.

“Why?”

The girl took a deep breath, “I’m your caretaker, right?” Jeongyeon nodded. “Then teach me,” Sana held her hand and smiled again (this time, eyes disappearing). “Teach me how to take care of you.”