chapter 12
Lena
October, 2014
I can’t really remember what day it is. The doctors said the concussion might cause fuzzy edges. I don’t know why I keep coming back here, aside from the mandatory meetings with my editor and the insurance team.
New York is too loud now. There’s nothing but ghosts and people running without a purpose. I want to grab each one, tell them to stop and go home. Kiss their loved one, hug whoever, and stop.
Life is too short.
She’s not coming back.
December 21st, 2014
Alex sent me a ticket. I could go back to Midvale for Christmas. It’s been years and I miss them, but I don’t know how to shut the noise off. I can’t sleep at night without a knife under my pillow. I flinch if I hear a car backfire, or a balloon pop. I have a new set of stitches in my arm that I can’t hide with thick sweaters.
How do I explain to Alex I pissed off a gang leader in Thailand, investigating a human trafficking ring based in Southeast Asia. He slashed me as a warning, caught my arm. Twelve stitches later and I’m sitting in an Army barrack trying to figure out where the hell to go next. I could take that puff piece on the Northern Lights up in Iceland. The cold would be a break from the stifling heat and stench of the jungles, the desert.
I’ll just lie to Alex again. What’s one more.
I closed the journal, pressing my palm against the back cover. Kara was passed out next to me, curled in a ball, wrapped in every blanket I could pull out of the closet. She’d been freezing after breaking down, I refused to let her sleep anywhere but in my bed. I had to practically force her to lie down, even as she mumbled about being fine on the floor. But the second she collapsed on the soft mattress, she lost what little fight was left in her. She shivered uncontrollably as the adrenaline met with the weight of her opening up. I almost panicked, called Claire, but stopped myself. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen Kara in a shivering, incoherent ball. This was the first time I could do something for her and not stand in a corner, letting my team save her.
When she was warm and sleeping without a scrunched face, I slowly climbed into the bed next to her. I was tired and knew my body heat would keep her warm. I should’ve respected her boundaries and sat in the chair, but I couldn’t. I needed her to know she wasn’t alone, I was here, physically and emotionally. Never mind the selfish need I had to lay next to her, feel her body close by.
I couldn’t fall asleep after getting her settled, no matter how hard the meds and nubis pins pushed for me to slip away, my mind fought past that. Like it always did when Kara was in trouble and I’d slipped in through the dark of night to watch over her. I’d had the notion to work on a few projects while she slept for the magazine or read a book. Then I spotted her discard journals on the chair. Temptation was too much and I grabbed them, desperate to keep the doors Kara had opened, open.
She was far more broken than I’d ever imagined, and it went well past the handful of scars she kept hidden. I had to understand Kara now. I had to understand the things she went through that brought her back to me.
I had to understand what I’d done to her, so I could repair that damage.
But as I read her entries, I wanted to throw up. I wanted to wake her up and beg for forgiveness. I was the reason why she walked past the gates of hell to find peace. I sniffled, wiping away the tears as I set the journal on the bedside table. My body ached, my arm hurt, but it couldn’t compare to the pain the woman next to me had endured.
“I stopped hating you after my first concussion.” Kara had rolled over, her leg pressing against mine as her eyes blinked slowly open. “Maybe having my head bounced around like a ball helped change my point of view, I just stopped. I sat on the steps of the hospital in Paris, and the calm cool night made my skin tingle.” She motioned to the chair with a sleepy nod. “That’s in the next set, the first time I was blown up. My first concussion.” She looked at me, her eyes riddled with never ending exhaustion. “I let go. I thought if I survived being blown up, someone, somewhere was watching out for me and I should probably let the bullshit parts of my life go.” Kara yawned, curling deeper into the blankets. “I can go sleep in the other room.”
“You can stay here.” I reached over, brushing hair away from her forehead as I swallowed the weight of her words. “I couldn’t sleep and read a few more pages.”
Kara looked down, her hands twisting the edge of the blanket. “I know. I could hear the change in your breathing when you got to the rough parts, and your arm buzzes louder when you stress out.” She sighed. “I should’ve stopped in Paris. My editors offered me a desk job anywhere in the world. They loved what I was sending home, making the Times number one every week, but I had a knack of finding fire where there was nothing to burn.” She pushed up to sit next to me, tugging the blankets closer. “I had nothing to go home for. I didn’t want a desk job, I didn’t want to go home to Alex and have her interrogate me. I wasn’t as good at playing pretend as I am now. I was hard, raw. I’ve scared the toughest battle hardened marines. So, I kept going. Searching for a purpose.”
“You left Paris a day before I arrived. I couldn’t make it there in time when word of your injury got back to me. I wanted to be there for you.” I looked at Kara, noticing the dark circles under eyes and how thin she really looked. “I wanted to see Lillian’s face when her final sentence was issued, and the entire family business was handed over to the bastard child she never wanted.” I tried to smile, but even my own self deprecating humor fell flat in this moment.
“I hate Lillian.” Kara whispered, shaking her head as she continued to give the blanket hell, twisting it to the point of tearing. She took notice and let go of the blanket, pushing it back and quickly rolling out of the bed. “I’m sorry.” She grabbed her sweatshirt, throwing it over her head and shoved shaking arms through the sleeves. She rushed out of the room before I could stop her.
This was such tentative ground between us. It was as if we were both standing on the edge of a proverbial cliff, each one of us taking cautious steps away from the edge, and yet, at the same time, we rushed towards the edge. Ready to throw ourselves over in the name of asking for forgiveness, help and an end to the last ten years.
I stood up from the bed, pulling the covers up to make the bed. It was still very early, not yet light out, and I felt like I’d been up for weeks. Even the pins in my arms barked at me to rest and stop relying on them to do all of the work. There was no point going back to sleep with Kara out in the kitchen, rooting around in the cupboards for something to stress eat.
She had opened a door. A door that hid a lot of her pain, and I saw the suffering. The difficulty and understood why she kept her head down more than ever. She had the literal weight of the world on her shoulders.
I moved to the closet where my bags sat, and dug around in my briefcase until I found the worn leather bound journal. The poor thing was stuffed to the gills, the thin little leather strap doing it’s damndest to keep the journal together. It was old. Twelve years old, and had been the only thing in my life I carried religiously. It’d had been taken apart and rebound a thousand times as I added more and more blank pages. And it held my secrets.
I held it with both hands, my heart pounding at the memories of what was inside. I glanced at the secret hidden pocket of my briefcase, nodding as I whispered to the empty room. “Soon.”
I found Kara sitting in a chair by the large windows that looked out onto the city below my apartment. She was eating handfuls of miniature tea biscuits, a stern frown covering her face.
“I believe there’s the tiny doughnuts you adore in the pantry. Powdered and double chocolate.” I slowly moved into the room, hoping not to startle Kara.
“I ate all of them the night before you were released.” She looked at the crumbs covering her front. “Thank you for adding them to the list.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad a few things remain the same.” I smiled and sat in the leather chair across from her, tucking my legs up and covering them with a blanket. I laid the journal on my lap and untied the poor string, pressing my palm over the front cover to prevent a mass expulsion of paper. “I hate Lillian, too.”
The corner of Kara’s mouth twitched into an almost smile as she looked away from the crumbs and back out the window. “I should get a watch. I never know what time it is anymore.” She shrugged. “Living in too many time zones I guess.” Her brow scrunched up, her jaw twitching as she fought off the tension in the room. As much as Kara had been through, she still hated conflict and confrontation.
I smiled, opening the journal, flicking through the neat stacks of envelopes. I selected one, slipping the thin sheet of paper out. I scanned over my handwriting, the lump in my throat growing in size. I cleared my throat and started reading.
Kara,
You’re gone. I’m sitting in the middle of the empty apartment. It’s real. I did it. I pushed you away, and I don’t know where. Alex won’t speak to me, our friends just smile and avoid answering my questions. It’s been three weeks. Lillian despises me, and will not breathe the same air I do. I’m finally free of her.
I heard a rumor through James you might be in Southeast Asia.
I’m sorry. So sorry.
Lena
I set the letter to the side on the table next to the chair, picking up another one.
Kara,
I thought I saw you in the café this morning. I thought it was your blonde hair, soaking up the sun as it poured through the windows. I thought it was you, but then I realized I was in the middle of London and you were last heard of in Israel. At least that’s what the Times said your next story would be coming from.
It wasn’t you, just a polite woman who didn’t make me feel like I was a creep, tapping on her shoulder with teary eyes filled with hope.
Every time the sun shines in this grey city, I think of you. I think of your smile, your bright blue eyes and how you looked at me.
I miss you so much, my chest aches whenever I take a breath.
Lena
Kara,
Last night I went to sleep a simple research scientist working out of a rented office space in Metropolis. This morning I wake up and find I now own Luthor Corp, Luthor industries, and have inherited all of my father’s money. Lillian and Lex were sentenced to multiple life sentences. And I became the sole heir to my father’s fortune. A hidden clause in his will to prevent the rest of the Luthor’s to abuse the world more than already have. I went from struggling with grocery bills to being the third wealthiest woman in the world.
I wish you were here with me. Wiping away my tears like always, telling me how good and amazing I am. Telling me that Luthor name didn’t deserve me and I will always have you by my side. I wish you were here, telling me everything is going to be okay. I don’t know if I can do this alone.
But it’s been two years. I ruined so much and I don’t know if all my money can fix what I broke between us. Even as I sat next to you, watching you sleep in the jungle hospital, fighting off a fever from the archaic antibiotics they gave you, I couldn’t find the courage to wake you up. Beg for forgiveness and tell you everything. I had another letter for you, but hesitated shoving it in your back pack.
You’re stronger now, and I the weak idiot who collapsed under the pressure of a false mother.
I still love you more than anyone in this universe.
Lena
I blinked back tears. That day I walked away from Kara in the congo was the second hardest day of my life. A day I swore to hide in the shadows until I could let her go. I set the letter on top of the growing pile of paper, moving towards the back of the stack.
Kara,
Out of curiosity, I counted how many letters I’ve written you. Three thousand and forty five. Almost one for every day, and I never mailed a damn one of them. Even when I had your address. I never left one at your bedside, or stuffed one in a bag. Hoping you’d reach for your notebook and find me there, waiting for you to forgive me.
It’s been ten years now. Ten long years without you. I’ve sat in the corner, building this world around me. I’ve built the Luthor legacy into one that stands for good. I have my own company like I always wanted, doing good in this world. I finally feel like I’m my own person. Strong, independent, living my life the way I want. Lillian answers to me. Lex blew himself up trying to escape prison, and as much as I adored him when I was younger, he wasn’t my family.
You were, Kara. You were my family, my soul, my love. You were all I needed and I wish I could go back in time, back to that silly little girl who didn’t know any better, and tell her to fight. To choose you. To always choose you.
I know you’re coming back to National City. I know you’re taking a job at Catco. We’re going to be in the same city after I hand over the New York office to my team here. We’re going to be working together if this merger works out. And my heart is racing a thousand miles a minute. It makes me think of Kismet and how we laughed like fools when the old woman spoke of our fortunes.
I’m scared, because I want what I lost ten years ago. You.
I can’t stand by and be the secret in the shadows, saving you, taking care of you, and watching you walk away and back into the fire. I want to grab you, hold you and give you every single one of these three thousand and forty five letters I wrote.
I’m scared and tired of wanting you from afar.
But do I deserve you?
I love you, Kara Danvers.
Lena
I cleared my throat, wiping at my cheeks before the tears ran down and stained the paper. “I wrote this the morning before I saw you in City Hall station.” I bit my bottom lip, holding the letter with trembling hands. “And then I saw you, and it was like the universe crashed down on my shoulders. When we locked eyes, it was the first time we actually looked at each other since I broke your heart.” I closed my eyes as the tears welled up. “I can’t go back in time, Kara. Even if I built the time machine I drew up years ago, I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. The girl I was back then was foolish, stubborn.” I paused, swallowing a sob before it broke free.
“I wouldn’t go back in time, either.” Kara’s shaky voice floated to my heart. I opened my eyes to see her kneeling in front of me, giving me a soft smile. “I wouldn’t. Why? Because I like who I am now, underneath the scars and the bad dreams. Underneath all that is a woman who isn’t afraid. I’m not afraid to be heard in a crowded room of men. I’m not afraid to do the impossible, even when it seems incredibly impossible. I’m not afraid anymore, Lena. When I woke up, alive, I knew it was for a reason. No one escapes death as much as I have without a reason.” She took the journal from my hands, carefully closing it before placing it next to the letters. “You. You’ve always been my reason. I fell in love with you at first sight and when I told everyone you were it, the one, they laughed. You were my first real everything, the shine would wear off as the honeymoon phase evaporated into a tired routine. Then you left, and they told me that was my proof. I’d find someone else.” She moved closer, sitting up on her knees to be eye level with me. Hers eyes drifted towards my lips before looking back up. “I want to read every single letter you wrote me.”
I nodded. “They are yours.” I went to move, unnerved at how close Kara was and how much her warmth made me shiver. “I should make us a proper breakfast. I haven’t eaten real food since I woke up in the hospital and you cannot survive on cookies and doughnuts.” I went to stand, when Kara laid her hand against the side of my neck.
“Can I…” She paused, breathing slowly. She looked up, her eyes searching mine as her thumb ran across my skin.
I smiled, biting back tears, whispering “Yes.” Before I closed the gap between us and kissed her.
I felt her sigh against my lips as she kissed me back, and it was as if I’d stepped into that fabled time machine. Every tucked away memory I had of kissing her, flickered through my mind and slid down to my heart, making me smile against her mouth as I cradled her cheek in my palm. Kara’s tongue brushed against my bottom lip, a silent request I honored without a second thought. I’d been waiting a decade for this moment, I wasn’t about to relinquish a minute.
Kara parted first, nipping my lip as she panted. “Sorry. I couldn’t. I, uh.” She licked her lips, her cheeks flushed a bright red.
I shook my head, leaning forward to softly kiss her once more. “I love you, Kara Danvers. Now, later, forever.” I met her eyes, catching the flicker of panic. I leaned back, running my thumb under her bottom lip before dropping my hand away. “You don’t have to say anything. I just felt I had to say it before one of us is blown up again.” I looked away as my heart skipped with the tiniest fear. What if Kara didn’t feel the same? What if she couldn’t feel the same? And this was just a moment born out of raw emotion? I took a deep breath, moving away from her to push myself up out of the chair.
Kara frowned, swallowing hard as she stood up, offering a hand to help me up. “They say three times is the charm, and I’ve been blown up three times.” She shrugged, smiling, her cheeks now a bright pink. “I can make breakfast. You shouldn’t be using that arm as much. I can hear the angry buzzing in your arm.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “I was going to make eggs and bacon. My stomach needs more than sugary cereal and chocolate milk.” I grinned, remembering how Kara spent a year eating cereal for at least two meals a day. Grossing me out beyond belief when she ate a mixing bowl full of sugar mixed with chocolate milk.
Kara rolled her eyes, slipping her arm in my good one. “My photographer for my story on the polar ice caps, was a trained French chef. He taught me how to boil water and keep myself fed when cereal wasn’t on the shelves in the jungle.” She walked us towards the kitchen. “Let me cook for you, please.” She gently sat me down in the small breakfast nook, grabbing a pillow for me to set my broken arm on. “Claire messaged me. She’s cleared you for flight. Your metal healing bees in your arm, migrated to your lung and repaired the lingering damage from the collapse. You can go home tomorrow.”
I grabbed my phone, reading the email Claire had sent. The nubis pins had healed more than just my broken bone. My lung was better than new and would handle the flight back to National City. I typed out a quick reply, also emailing myself to read over my lab reports to isolate how the pins were spreading the nanotechnology through my body. I kept my eyes on my phone as I spoke. “We can go home tomorrow, Kara. Together.” I glanced at her. “They might be your letters, but I want to be there when you read them. And there’s something I want to show you.”
Kara set a pan on the stove. “Lena, it’s going to take me a minute to let go. Open up. I’ve kept everything behind so many locked doors, it’s going to be hard finding the keys.” She tipped her head down, fixing her glasses. “I don’t want you to think….”
“Kismet, Kara. That’s all I’m thinking of. Whatever comes next, it will be. I won’t ask for more until you’re ready.” I smiled, watching Kara’s shoulders relax as she nodded.
“Okay.” She turned to the fridge digging for eggs. “Scrambled? Or omelet? I can make both and put your beloved veggies in them.”
“Surprise me.” I set my phone down and watched Kara make me breakfast as she rambled about the time she almost burned the cottage in Iceland down trying to make a meatloaf. I sat and watched, listened, and fell deeper in love with Kara.
For all the pain and heartache of the last ten years, I wouldn’t trade it for a million wishes, especially knowing it would lead me back to this exact moment. The moment I stopped running and owned my fear. I had no idea what came next, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if that was the last time I’d ever kiss Kara again. I’d stopped the spinning started by Lillian and was living my way. I’d started the fight to get the love of my life back.