The Corner

“I asked Lena to coffee.” I blew out a shaky breath, reaching for the large tumbler half full of whiskey. I swallowed hard before taking a hefty drink. I was sitting on the couch, Alex was laying on the floor in front of me, cradling the bottle of wine she’d forgone glasses for and started straight drinking from the bottle. I threw it out there, the coffee date, hoping it would delay the inevitable. Talking about St. Petersburg and all the stupid things I’d gotten myself into, and myself almost killed.

It was Saturday night and I was following through on one of my homework assignments. I was talking to Alex. Granted we were both half in the bag, but it was the only way I could bring up the courage to open the locked doors keeping my secrets. I blew out a slow breath, wincing from the deep bite the expensive whiskey left down my throat. I glanced at the potstickers sitting on the coffee table next to the piles of Thai food.

Alex sat up, scooting closer to me, dragging her wine bottle with her. “Well, shit.” She snagged a potsticker, shoving it in her mouth. “Did you shit yourself?” She chuckled. “Every time you see Lena, you look like your either about to punch a wall or shit yourself. It’s kind of gross either way.”

I frowned, chuckling. “I haven’t shit myself in a year, and talking to my ex is not pants shitting worthy.” I tipped my glass towards her. “Waking up next to a burning fuselage, that’s a little pants shitty.” I shook my head as my words fumbled in my mouth like rocks. I pushed my glasses up, trying to bring Alex back into focus.

Alex sighed, scooting closer, leaning her back against the coffee table. “What happened, Kara? You don’t have to tell me everything, but tell me something.” She took a sip from the bottle.

I chewed on my bottom lip before slamming the rest of my whiskey and standing up to head to the kitchen island for more. “I did a lot of stupid things. Stupid things I thought were brave at the time, but was just me being a dumb ass with no care or concern if I lived or died.” I shrugged. “Broken hearts will drive a person to endless lengths to stop feeling the pain of heart break.” I grabbed the bottle of Laphroaig single malt, carefully filling my glass three quarters of the way back up. “I thought if I could write about the world, I could save the world. If I went places no one else dared, I could shed light on the worst the world had to offer, and I could fix something. I couldn’t fix my relationship, I lost the one person I loved more than anything, will probably only ever love. So, why not go into the bowels of hell and play the pen is mightier than the sword.” I took a large drink, breathing deep as the burn invaded my veins, loosening up the walls around me. “It worked for a while, I became numb. Moving on auto pilot, and even after the first time I was hurt, I thought, wow! I’m a real journalist.” I leaned on the island, staring at the scratches and divots in the wooden top. “The stabbing in the congo sucked. I almost died of a weird jungle infection. The skin there won’t ever look the same from the field debridement I suffered through.” I smiled softly. “Remind me to tell you about Dr. Jamie. The sweetest English doctor who took pity on me and got me back into civilization using her own money.” I ran a finger along the edge of my glass. “I should call her, tell her I hung up the bravado.”

What I would never tell Alex, was Jamie was the last person I’d ever shared a bed with, and that was over six years ago. I thought I was falling in love with her, but she saw through my bullshit when she saw the picture of Lena in my journal. The last night I spent with her in her London flat, I cried for hours. Cried about being stabbed by guerrillas wanting to kidnap me, ransom me for weapons. I cried about losing Lena and everything I never got to say to her. “Being blown up in Syria, I don’t remember much of it. That’s the upside of explosions, the pressure change just rattles your cage and you wake up days later or not all.” I took another sip. “The plane crash, that one, I’m still working through. It still feels like I was stuck in a bad movie.” I glanced at my sister. “You called Colonel Arias?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. I was waiting for you to tell me.” She smiled, blinking back tears as she moved to sit on the edge of the couch. Closer to me, but far enough away, giving me my space.

“She tells the story way better. I don’t remember much, i just know the scar on my leg is from the wing shearing through the cabin and doing its best to cut my leg off.” I stood up, spinning the glass of whiskey. “But St. Petersburg. That one I won’t forget. That one.” I paused. “Is forever stuck in my memory and my body.” I tugged on my bulky sweatshirt, feeling the collar rub against my shoulder. I let the silence fill the room, staring at the whiskey as I absently tugged on my sweatshirt.

“Kara. We don’t have to. I can call Kelly to bring us some milkshakes and we can watch a Disney movie.” Alex’s voice trembled.

I dipped my finger in the whiskey, watching it roll off and drip back into the glass.  I was warm, very warm, so warm, maybe the pain of St. Petersburg wouldn't sting as much. “I’d gotten a lead on this group of Russian traffickers I’d been trailing for months. When I left Syria, I overheard a MI5 agent talking about this group infiltrating England’s shores. I was intrigued. Tired of chasing drugs and weapons through the jungles, I wanted to move my focus. I thought if I targeted a group, it would give more weight to my stories. Give the world more to grasp onto. I took a flight to Russia and worked my way through Moscow, Omsk, Kazan. Tracking, trailing and piecing together information on this group of traffickers. They were a broken group of disgruntled members of the Turgenev crime family. They handled drugs and humans. Trafficking anyone they could get their hands on, shipping them all across the world for one form of slavery or another.” I licked the tip of my finger before lifting the glass to my lips, pouring most of the whiskey into my mouth. “For four months, I hid, I followed, I researched, I tracked, I sent anonymous messages to the police. I managed to get a good portion of them arrested and sent off. But that wasn’t enough, I wanted more. I felt like this story, this was the one that would bring me back to one. I would take down this organization, write the article and finally change a corner of the world. I had MI5 in my back pocket, ready to go with me as I fed them more and more information.”

I closed my eyes, pushing the now empty glass away from me. “It was the second to last night of trailing the right hand man to the boss. I was going to approach him, acting like a street prostitute, hoping he’d take interest in my fresh appearance and take me somewhere.” I held a hand up to Alex. “I had backup. A team following me.”

“Jesus, Kara. You’re a journalist.” She blew the words out.

“Yeah, I am. But like most ground breaking stories, the journalist becomes detective, soldier, whatever to get the story.” I turned to face her, stumbling as the half bottle of whiskey I drank, flooded my veins. I was drunk, and felt free. “I made my move. I went up to him outside of the bar, threw on my best flirt and it worked. Until the local police rolled in, tipped off by someone somewhere who I was and what I was trying to do. They were on the take, being paid off by the crime family. I ran, tripped on the stupid heels I wore, hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The local police rushed me, grabbing at me, desperate to pull me into the car before my team got there. I kicked one in the balls, gouged another with my shoe and as I scrambled to my feet, two gunshots rang out, and a very hot bee stung me in the shoulder. I fell to the ground again. The last thing I remember was the right hand man coming at me, his gun still smoking. He shot me twice in the back, I bled like a stuck pig.” I shrugged, stumbling as I went to take a step towards the food. “I woke up in Berlin. Warm, comfortable, safe and decided right then and there. I was done. I wanted to go home.”

I stumbled towards my desk,bypass the food, and yanked open the bottom drawer and pulled out a small USB drive. I threw it on the couch next to Alex. “I brought down the Turgenev crime family and tore apart one of the largest human trafficking rings this world has ever seen. I was given the all clear to publish my story. My statements were given to MI5 in Berlin, and there was more than enough evidence, my silly story wouldn’t ruin a thing.” I pushed my glasses up, rubbing at my eyes. “But I haven’t finished the fucking story. I can’t. Every time I sit down, I get lost in that night. The smells, the sight of my blood, the pain, the screams in Russian.” I smiled at Alex, blinking back my tears. I swallowed hard, as Alex grew blurry. “I almost died that night. Of all the times, the times I was stupid, I never got close to death. Just close to losing a limb or my sanity, but this time.” I tapped my shoulder. “The end. No more story.” I waved Alex off, shuffling to the bookcase and yanking the fantasy novels to the floor. I wrapped rubbery fingers around the tea tin, struggling to lift open the lid. “And yet. All I could think of was her.” I dumped the contents out on the floor, scattering matchbooks, keychains, coins from everywhere, and a small wax papered lump. I dropped to my knees, picking up the lump with shaky fingers. “I almost died and never told her.” I clumsily unwrapped the ring, setting it in my palm and lifting it up to show Alex. “I never told her she was my forever and I didn’t want to die until I told her.” I smiled as the tears ran down my cheeks unchecked. “But what’s the point of living if you’ve lost the forever?”

Alex knelt next to me, gently taking the ring out of my palm. “Oh, Kara.” She went to wrap me in her arms, when my stomach lurched.

“I’m going to throw up.” I shoved Alex out of the way and ran towards the bathroom, running into every piece of furniture along the way. After throwing up a half bottle of whiskey, I passed out on the cold tile of my bathroom. Numb and eerily empty.

XXXX

“You are old. A three day hangover?” Winn walked with me to my office.

“Shut up.” I clutched the large black coffee in my hands. “You’d have a three day hangover if you drank half a bottle of expensive whiskey in less than an hour.” I blew out a slow breath, still feeling my stomach roll in anger at me. I was still piecing together most of Saturday. I woke up with Alex sitting next to me on the bathroom floor, holding me. The look in her eyes told me I’d said a lot more than I expected, but she didn’t push. She didn’t ask more questions when I saw the tea tin sitting on the coffee table, the ring sitting on the wax paper, staring back at me. We spent Sunday eating greasy eggs and talking about what I wanted to do in the future and what I was going to do with the St. Petersburg story. We talked a little more about my first story in Thailand, then a little about the new magazine, and barely grazed the topic of Lena.

“And here I thought the Danvers sisters had settled down over the years. I remember the ragers we had in college. Puking our hearts out through Central Park only to come out the other side ready for shots.” Winn chuckled as I walked into my office, handing me the bag of bagels. “Have you picked a title yet? I submitted mine to HR this morning. IT Research Leader. I have a staff!”

I grinned, shaking my head. “It’s you and Teddy. And you two worked together any way.” I sat down at my desk, taking a deep breath of the coffee. “And no, I haven’t selected a title or figured out what I want to do in the magazine. I just barely figured out how to use the fancy dishwasher in my loft, I’m not ready for any more big moves.” Lena’s note was still rolling around in my head, along with the god damned St. Petersburg story sitting on my desk. “I’m happy being a journalist for now. I don’t need responsibilities, titles or a staff.”

“Lone wolf.” Winn winked at me. “I remember when you were always volunteering to be group leader in high school on projects, and did most of the work. You are getting wiser with your age.” He motioned towards the bagels. “Eat more carbs, it’ll help chase away the lingering hangover. Lunch today?”

“Maybe.” I winked as he tapped on the doorframe before heading down to his new office. I blew out a breath, reaching to turn my computer on when a text lit up my phone.

              Hi, it’s Lena. I’m not sure if you saved my number. I’m running five minutes late, feel free to order without me.

“Shit. Shit.” I tipped my head down, squeezing my eyes shut. Of course I’d forgotten my coffee date with Lena. I clenched my jaw, tapping out a quick okay as I rushed around to grab my bag. I half wanted to pull an audible and say I had a last minute meeting, but Lena owned Catco, she’d know what meetings were being held today. Then I almost went with the explosive diarrhea, but, I wasn’t fifteen anymore. I stood up, staring at the still hot coffee on my desk, whispering a small apology to it as I ran out to the elevator, hollering to Eve I’d be out for a few on personal business. She just gave me a small smile. “Of course, Ms. Danvers.”

I half ran down the street, desperate to make it to the Last Drop before Lena. I needed the extra time to calm down and gather my thoughts. After the weekend of pouring out some of my hardest secrets, I felt numb, calm, but oddly at odds. It was like once I freed a few secrets, I’d lost a sense of purpose to remain stoic. I’d always been neutral, keeping a pleasant demeanor, with a touch of my inherent clumsy kindness. Now, I was shedding layers of my skin and was scrambling to find a layer to hold onto, especially with Lena.

Waking up on the cold floor, the first thing I felt was the pain of almost never having the chance to say goodbye, that collided with the anger of knowing she’d been there in Berlin. Whispering in and out with the night, sitting with me, but never revealing herself. I needed her then, I needed her to be there when I woke up. I needed her to be there so I could break down, break apart and tell her everything. Instead I woke up in Berlin, feeling alone and wondering why was I allowed to cheat death?

I groaned to myself as I reached the front door of the coffee shop. My emotions were raw, edged and maybe this wasn’t the best idea right now. I reached into my bag, searching for my phone to text Lena some lame excuse before I caught a cab to Alex’s office.

“Kara?” Lena’s soft voice distracted me, from the canvas depths of my bag.

I spun around, coming face to face with Lena. “Um, hi.” I shrugged, swallowing the new wave of emotions washing over me. This time, it was how incredible she looked, and the smell of her perfume. The one perfume, the perfumed seared into my brain along with the memory of giving it to her. I waved over my shoulder. “I, uh, was running a little late too.”

She grinned. “You were always fifteen minutes early to everything.” She brushed past me, reaching for the door.

“And you were always fifteen minutes late.” I bit my bottom lip, fighting the smile that wanted to cover my face.

“I only did it to make Lillian furious. It was the small things.” Lena held the door open for me. “Please.”

I whispered a thank you and walked in, letting out a slow breath as I tried to focus on anything but he warring emotions in my stomach. “Table in the back?”

“Wherever is fine with me.” Lena followed me to the back, waiting for me to take my seat before gracefully sitting across from me. She tugged her scarf off, wrapping it carefully before setting it in her handbag. She looked incredible, wearing a light blue button down with thin white stripes, the first three buttons were undone, giving me a peek at the beauty mark on her neck. “Do you mind if I also grab something to eat? I missed breakfast, I let myself sleep in for a few more minutes.”

I nodded, tearing my eyes away from her and to the menu. “Sure.” I scanned the menu, settling on a boozy latte. My stomach balked at the idea, but my mind welcomed the idea. I had to settle my thoughts down. I placed my order with the barista while Lena ordered a simple vanilla latte and a small breakfast sandwich. I focused on my bag, desperate to find my phone and have it ready in case I needed an escape. I found it, palming it as I looked up at Lena, staring at me with those soft green eyes. I smiled tightly. “Um, sorry for running late. I kind of forgot about this until you messaged me.”

She raised an eyebrow, her smile dropping ever so slightly. “Oh?”

I waved her off. “Alex and I, uh, got together over the weekend. Sisters night, and I forgot how bad, and how good, expensive whiskey is.” I fixed my glasses. “At thirty five, hangovers aren’t a quick fix. It’s taken a few days to feel normal, add work onto that, and the little things slipped away.” I winced at my wording. This wasn’t a little thing, this was huge. A simple coffee date was a huge step for me. “Thank you, for the, uh, note. I appreciate you allowing me to think about things.” I shook my head, hating that I was fumbling and uttering uh every third word.

“I spoke to Alex. She told me to go easy on you, that you couldn’t hold your liquor anymore.” Lena turned away, thanking the barista for dropping off our coffees. “I hope you had a good sister’s night. I’m glad you’re taking the time to reconnect.”

I rolled my eyes, sipping my coffee and frowning at how boozy it was. “It was my homework. And I don’t know if it helped.” I sighed, pushing the coffee away, debating on ordering a simple black one instead. “My therapist asked me to make a list of people I needed to talk to since I came home. The top five I needed to open back up to. Alex was number two on the list. Eliza is four, Winn and James are three and five, but I won’t say who is who. Those two are still competitive after all these years.” I took a deep breath, reaching for the coffee.

“And number one?” Lena spoke softly. I knew she knew she was at the top of the list, the woman was a pure genius and could always read me like a open book. She tipped her head down. “Is this why you asked me to coffee?”

I furrowed my brow, sipping the coffee, frowning once more. “Maybe. Yes? No?” I shook my head, waving for the barista to bring me a large mocha. “You are. But I didn’t want to come right out and say it. It’s not exactly the best number one spot to have. The top of the list of people I ran from and continue to hide from. But, what do I know? I’m a journalist not a therapist.” I shook my head, hating this so much right now. “I sent the book…”

“I know why you sent the book, Kara. You don’t have to talk about it. I know how you are, how it’s hard sometimes.” She scooted closer, her hand twitching as if she wanted to grab my hand. “I’m not going to push. But I want you to know I’m here. I’m here whenever you’re ready. I have so much to tell you, but I can’t force you to listen.” She paused looking dead in my eyes before looking away, swallowing hard.

“You don’t know who I am now.” I half whispered it. “There’s a lot inside of me. It’s like someone put me in blender and left it running for years. And even though the spinning stopped, I haven’t. “ I clenched my jaw, reaching for the fresh mocha. “I have more questions than anything, Lena.” I felt the anger ebb back up as I thought about the weekend and talking to my therapist yesterday. Apparently it was normal after a huge breakthrough to have anger replace the emptiness of offloading secrets.

“Then ask, Kara.” Lena smiled. “Please.”

I hesitated. “You followed me. Why? Why didn’t you come for me in the open?” I bit the inside of my cheek as the gates opened up. “Why did you sit by me in Berlin, hiding? Why didn’t you stay until morning?” I began bouncing my leg out of nerves.

Lena sighed. “I followed you because I thought one day I’d finally stop you, talk to you. I grew scared as I saw how the world changed you, and I felt guilty. Unfounded guilt, but it was there and it kept me back.” She shifted in her chair. “I didn’t stay in Berlin because.” She paused, swallowing a few times. “Kara.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain. Actions speak louder than words.” I felt the anger take over, taking control. “When Alex told me you were there, every day until I woke up, I felt elated. Like wow, she still cared for me. But then everything fell around me. You didn’t want to be there, you were there out of a sense of duty.” I looked up, blinking back the tears. “I needed you, Lena. I needed you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up. I needed you. The only person in my entire life who understood me, and at one point, loved me for me. I needed you to be there, hold my hand and tell me it was okay. It was okay that I cheated death and that life wasn’t going to be a pile of shit going forth.” I clenched my fist, wiping the tears away with my other hand. “I woke up, still so stupidly in love with you.” I glanced at her. “I’m not okay.” I choked on the silent sob. It was the first time I ever spoke it aloud since I survived. I scrunched my face up. “I’m not okay.” I covered my face with my hands, pressing the sobs back in.

I felt warm arms slide across my back as I was gently tugged into an even warmer body. “You don’t have to be okay.” Lena’s voice vibrated against my ear as I pressed against her chest. I dropped my hands from my face, wrapping them around her. My fingers digging into the smooth material of her shirt. “I’ll never ask for more from you. You once gave me everything, it’s my turn to give back.”

I sobbed, burying my face into her shoulder as the dam broke. “You were my everything, Lena.” I felt her breath hitch. “Why did I lose you?”

She pressed a small kiss to my temple, murmuring so quietly, I couldn’t hear her over my sobs. “You never did.” She leaned back, wiping my cheeks, her eyes were watery with tears. “I’m coming home Monday night. Will you come over? I’ll make lunch, and we can sit in the privacy of my penthouse, talk, yell, fight, and figure this out? I’m willing to do whatever it takes, Kara. I have a lot to explain and I finally have the courage to own up to my stupidity. I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m not asking for anything more than a chance to help you with your homework.” She ran her thumb across my cheek. “If we end the evening as friends, I’ll take it. If we end the evening as friendly strangers who work together, I’ll take it. But it’s time we both stop running.”

I closed my eyes, unconsciously leaning into her hands and the warmth they gave off. “I might yell a lot. Alex said I’ve gotten ornery in my old age.” I nodded, leaning out of her touch. “Monday night. I’ll be there.” I let out a sigh. “But can I text you while you’re gone? I, missed talking to you. You were one of the very few people I could talk to. Alex worries about me, if I’m sleeping, eating right. Winn just tries to con me into online gaming with him. Everyone else I know, they’ll want to talk about why I left the Times for a trashy magazine on the west coast.” I gave Lena a soft smile.

“I bought that trashy magazine for three hundred million. The Times is only worth two hundred. I could have bought both and money left for coffee.” Lena cocked an eyebrow, returning my smile.

“Does Lillian know how you’re spending the Luthor fortune? Buying magazines instead of nuclear reactors?” I sniffled, wiping my nose with a napkin. I felt a little lighter, embarrassed for losing my shit in a coffee shop, but better now I’d knocked one wall down.

“I own three nuclear plants. Lillian is very aware of how I’m managing my money, she won’t say a damn thing. She knows who’s keeping her canteen account full at the prison.” She shrugged. “She is my mother, can’t have her slip into the pitfalls of a toothpasteless life.” She winked, chuckling as she handed the barista a few bills.

I shook my head. “I should pay, I asked you.”

“Next time.” Lena grabbed my hand, squeezing it and sending a thousand little light bolts through my skin. “We should go. You need to get back to work, the editorial staff has a quick meeting before lunch and I have to pack my bags before I head into afternoon meetings.” She let go, standing up and unwinding her scarf.

I watched her for a moment, staring at her. For a split second, I wanted to blurt out that I still loved her. I never stopped loving her and in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to dig in my front pocket and pull out the ring I’d been carrying since I dug it out of the tea tin. The intention had been to get it cleaned and put in a proper box. An idea my therapist and Alex had. Give it a proper burial until I made a final decision to either sell it off at the pawn shop and say goodbye, or.

I bit the inside of my mouth, standing up and grabbing my bag, glancing at her shirt and the wet spot I left on her shoulder. I waved at it. “Sorry, for that.” I slipped my bag over my head, trying to hide the blush covering my cheeks.

“No worries.” She looked up at me as her accent slipped around the vowels.

I grinned, unable to stop it. “God, I missed the Irish in you.”

She chuckled, waving me to go ahead of her. “I usually bring it back out when I go overseas. The Europeans tend to respect me more when they realize I’m one of them.” She laid a hand on my upper back. “It comes out more when I’ve had a few glasses of wine.”

I smiled at the sudden ease falling between us, but I had to be careful. There was still ten years between us and a lot of hurt and pain. Nothing would be fixed if I was swept up in pretty green eyes and a sexy accent. “Noted.” I stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the cool fall air. “Um.” I turned to look at Lena.

She laid a hand on my elbow. “You don’t have to say anything, Kara.” She squeezed gently and I saw the fight in her eyes. She wanted to pull me into her arms and hug me as tightly as she could, but wouldn’t. She silently knew the rules I’d laid out. She knew I’d flinch if I was touched out of surprise, or if I didn’t initiate it. I still had a hard time hugging Alex on a whim, and Winn stopped hugging me last week when I snapped at him when he scared me.

I swallowed hard. “It’s going to be a fight.” I spoke the words aloud, repeating what my therapist said the other day. It was going to be a shitty fight to find my place in the world again, and figure out where I fit with everyone. Especially the woman standing in front of me.

“It’s a fight I’m willing to take on.” Lena glanced at her phone. “Your meeting starts in ten minutes.” She looked up. “I’d hate for you to be late, it might reflect poorly in your file.”

I rolled my eyes. “As if Cat would ever fire me. Even if I asked her to.”

“I wouldn’t test that theory.” She shoved me gently. “Go, I’ll message you when I’ve landed in London. If it’s too late, I’ll wait until it’s morning for you.”

I reached out, grabbing her wrist, sliding my hand over hers almost holding her hand but not. “I don’t sleep much, so text me when land. Please.” I wanted to throw in, so I won’t worry, but we weren’t there yet. In a place to openly speak such things. “Be safe, Lena.”

Lena grinned, tipping her head down. “You too, Kara.” She looked up, biting her bottom lip and my heart skipped into my throat. I knew that look. It was the look she always got right before we kissed.

I cleared my throat, taking a few steps back as I looked at my watch. “Eight minutes!” I waved at her as I turned and ran down the street. I could give a shit if I was late for a meeting, I was only running away this time so I wouldn’t run back and kiss Lena.

I made a mental note to talk about why one minute I wanted to scream at Lena, and the next I wanted to kiss her until the sky turned purple. I really had to sort out this love hate relationship with Lena, and focus on friends first.

I was broken, that was for sure. But after this stupid coffee date, I felt hope I could be put back together.