Chapter 28
A blatant display of disrespect. A complete rejection of duties as a secretary. An irreversible change. A necessity. There’s no other way to look at those words I uttered. To look at how I left the President behind in that room.
There was no choice. I was backed into a corner, and I made the most objectively sound decision. Any other choice would have been clearly a result of my feelings for the President. I know this, and yet here I am walking the halls feeling disgusted with myself.
That flicker of hurt in the President’s eyes will forever haunt me. I hurt her, and then walked away as those it meant nothing. I should not keep playing that expression of hers back in my mind. It’s illogical and utterly purposeless; however, I cannot bring myself to stop. Perhaps the guilt is deserved.
Stop it. Stop. Stop. Throw such thoughts away for now. Wallowing in my own guilt is nothing sort of pathetic. If the President must bleed, to keep her heart then to wish to stop her from being cut would be to wish for her to die. Either way I doubt my departure will sting too much. There are plenty of other people who fascinate the President, the lose of me will simply be a mild disappointment like when you drop a piece of food.
Train or walking? There is a lump in my throat I cannot ignore. The possibility that I may cry is too high to safely go on the subway. It’s clear my only option is to walk home. Something about the thought are walking alone makes me feel sick. It’s illogical though I have done before it; there’s no reason for feeling this. I suppose the best choice would be to ignore it and focus on more productive things.
One being how this development with the President will affect my plan. Word will spread quick; somehow people always know too much while still remaining ignorant. It is rather contradictory paradoxical even, but I have seen it happen often enough that I know it will happen here. Terano will certainly hear word of it.
It could be useful I suppose. If my alliance with the President is broken, surely Terano would come seeking more information or even just me. A perfect opportunity perhaps we could form an alliance, and I could corner Yumi. Take their power away from them.
The only questions now is will she be suspicious of this recent development. Something tells me she won’t. It would be completely out of character for the President to make such a plan, and I’m certain Terano is aware of this. She hates the President, finding out the President “tossed me out” would be completely realistic. Who could blame her for thinking such thing? I’m certain she would have eventually lost interest, another reason to not be upset.
Yes. This is clearly a good thing. My chances of success have increased with this new change. Less distractions. Less chance of discovery from either side. This is truly a great thing.
I hate how my body doesn’t follow the logic of my mind. It aches, and the tears are starting to slide down my cheeks. It’s fine better here on a random street then home or god forbid the school. I just shouldn’t be upset. It’s useless just as crying is. I shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t stop.
My hands are shaking. My head is pounding. I’ll be alone again. The President is the only one. I’ll become that lonely, boring girl again. It doesn’t matter. There is no sense in crying over spilt milk like this. The President is a not a necessity in my life. I don’t need to see her smile everyday; I need to see her live. I am fine alone more time to learn to research, to learn, but if the President is gone, I wouldn’t care about that learning. I know it. Everything I once loved would pale compared to the grief of losing her. I know I have wrapped myself up in her in a way that defies all logic. In a way that borders on unhealthy. It cannot be helped.
I know all of this, but I cannot breath. I’m gasping for air. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m wasting time. No it’s fine I’ll sit on the sidewalk for a bit. It’s perfect. The student council meeting lasts approximately 45 minutes, but as it was cancelled and my meeting, my hearts clenches at remembering it, with the President only last approximately 10 minutes. It leaves me with approximately 35 minutes to cry here. No that is too much time; it would mean my face would looked flushed when I returned home. My parents must not know.
Perhaps I am fine now actually. It’s fine. As I move my move my left foot to take my first step forward, my body starts shaking again. The tears are running down my cheeks. I cannot move like this. Twenty minutes. That’s all. Then I’ll never think so thoughts again.
One. She’ll hate me. Two. I have lost her. Three. There’s no going back. Four. I’ll be alone again. Five...
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A promise is a promise. At the 1,200 second mark, I stand up. No more. Crying again would mean nothing. It would just be another way to increase the chances of my failure. No more. This is a the only right choice.
An opportunity has been handed to me, and I will take it. I will ignore this ache, and if my body refuses to cooper I will make it. I wish I had work today.How much easy this would all be.