I Don't Really Know a Lot About Love
A few days went by without any major incidents. Pharm lost two points when he accidentally unplugged the computer, causing a minor delay for the customer checking in, while Tops lost three he accidentally broke a plate when Chef Man was in an extremely bad mood. A small argument between Tutor and Pun over which stuffed animals they wanted for rooms caused them to lose three points each when P’Mod caught them throwing stuffed animals at each other. (They both had had bad days and apologized to each other in the cafe that evening). Other than that, everything was going smoothly for everyone.
The beginning of “Star Drawing” from Because This Is My First Life startled everyone in the kitchen, as it was a quiet period and all the interns had been working on their various tasks, whether it was washing dishes (Zen and Zol) or cutting vegetables (Tops and Manaow). Zen frowned, recognizing his boyfriend’s ringtone and knowing he wouldn’t call unless something was very wrong. Since Chef Man had a day off, Zen figured he could ask Oam if he could take the call.
“P’Oam?” Zen called out, wiping his hands on a nearby towel.
“Yes, N’Zen?” Oam’s calm voice came from the main part of the kitchen.
“My boyfriend is calling, and he wouldn’t call unless it’s really important, so is it okay if I take it?’
“Go ahead” was the reply.
“Sorry, Zol” Zen muttered as he made his way outside.
“P’Champ? What’s wrong?” Zen asked once he was able.
“Zen, I’m so sorry for calling you while you’re working, but I needed to let you know” Champ said in a rush. “Me and my moms got into a car crash, and they’re ok! But Mom has a broken leg and Mae has some bad cuts and some nasty bruises. They’re going to be fine, but I wanted to let you know in case you called and you couldn’t get to me or something”
“Oh my goodness, Phi! Are you okay? You were in it too?”
“I got lucky, I was in the backseat, so I just have some bruises from the seatbelt but I’ll be in the hospital all day. Mom had to get surgery, and Mae and I are waiting for her to wake up. But she’s stable, she’s fine, Mae is fine, I’m fine”
“Do you need me to come over? I’m sure I could take the day off”
“No, no, it’s fine, I just wanted to let you know...what, Mae? Oh Mom is waking up! Zen I have to go, but if you could call me later, just to talk...I’d really like that”
“Of course P’Champ…my shift ends at four, I’m pretty sure, so I’ll probably call around four thirty, okay? I’ll message you if I’m wrong or if something comes up”
“Okay, sounds good my Zen...bye, love you!”
“Love you too, P’Champ” Zen said softly. He hung up the phone, staring ahead as he contemplated the situation.
“You’re dating P’Champ???” Zol exclaimed, startling Zen so badly he nearly fell off the bench he was sitting on. “I thought you were dating P’Natee!”
“And whatever gave you that impression, Zol?” Zen asked stiffly.
“Well, the interview we did...and you were willing to pretend to be me to get him to leave me alone…”
“Zol, you gave me no choice but to do that! I ended up telling Natee after a week! He thought it was a low blow, by the way. He may be chaotic as all get out, but he still has feelings, Zol!” Zen could hear his voice rising, but he couldn’t care at the moment.
“I...I thought you two were cute together…” Zol said, looking nervous.
“First of all, if Natee were to date anyone in our friend group, it would be Junior, he said so himself. But Junior is straight. Second, Natee has a girlfriend. She’s very funny and equally chaotic. Her name is Maprang, but you don’t even care, because you need boys to be together no matter if it makes no sense! Champ and I may have started as a one night stand--and yes, Zol, I am capable of making decisions like ‘I would like to have a one night stand’--but now we are together and you had nothing to do with it, because guess what, Zol! This is real life! We are real people! We are not toys for your fujoshi needs! We are more than a yaoi story! I don’t know why you don’t understand that! You used your own BROTHER for that! How do you not get that it’s not okay?”
“He and P’Saifah are together though…”
“Yes and sure maybe they wouldn’t have gotten together if it wasn’t for you. But you tell me, Zol. Would you have written that story if Zon was your sister? What if he was undeniably straight? Would you have written that story?”
“I...I” Zol looked around nervously.
Zen lost his patience.
“Forget it Zol. You won’t learn. At least you got permission for Manaow and Del, but I don’t have the feeling Del actually likes it. It was just so you wouldn’t focus on Pharm. She was willing to make that sacrifice for her friend, since she knows how bad the stupid culture of Y fiction can be. But Zol, if you find out that you have no real friends, you will have no one to blame but yourself. No one wants to be shipped randomly with their friends. It feels weird, but did you ever ask? No. You just published whatever you want, making us feel like you don’t care that we are people. You’re lucky our friend group is stronger than your stupid nonsense, and that we don’t hold grudges, because otherwise you’d be in real trouble” With that, Zen strode back to the kitchen.
“P’Oam, can I cut vegetables? I really cannot be in the same room as Zol right now” Zen asked once he was back in the kitchen.
Oam took one look at the normally calm young man and agreed. “Manaow, you’re on dish duty, please” he said, figuring Zen didn’t want to be with girls right now. “Where’s Zol, though?”
“Probably still outside, I don’t know, and I don’t care” Zen snarled, picking up a knife and a carrot and slamming it on the counter.
“Okay, Zen, you know what, go take your break early. I think you need it. Tops, go with him. No one should be getting food for at least another hour, so we should be okay. Manaow, you’ll be okay by yourself for a few minutes, right? I’m going to go talk to Zol” Oam said, taking charge with Chef Man gone.
“Yes Phi” Manaow said, looking a little startled at Zen’s behavior.
“Good, sorry about that, N’Manaow. N’Zen, get your free drink and if you haven’t calmed down by then, tell me and I’ll give you the rest of the day off. I’ll have to take a few points off if I do that, though, otherwise Khun Krit will get on my case”
Zen nodded, already looking a little calmer at the thought of having a break. He and Tops left for the cafe and Oam went outside, where he found Zol staring off into the distance.
“Nong Zol?” Oam asked gently.
Zol startled and looked at Oam, tears in her eyes.
Oam sighed and sat down next to her. “What happened, N’Zol? What happened that made N’Zen so upset? And you so upset?”
“P’Zen was on the phone with his boyfriend, and since it wasn’t the person I expected him to be with, he blew up at me” Zol said, tears starting to spill.
“Why were you assuming he was with a certain person in the first place?” Oam asked calmly.
“They’re in the same friend group…” Zol started, trailing off when she saw Oam’s disapproving face.
“Nong Zol, I know you have many friends that are LGBTQIA+. And that this year's interns consists of people who fall under that category, as well a decent amount of the staff here. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings other than ‘love for our partners’. It doesn’t mean that our entire lives are our partners, and it doesn’t mean we appreciate it when people write stories about our personal lives without confirming that it’s true or not”
“But my stories are so popular…”
“Are they popular for the right reasons, though? Why are you writing these, Nong Zol? Because you actually have a story to tell, or for internet clout?” Oam asked seriously.
Zol looked at the ground. She seemed to be fighting something.
Oam waited patiently. He wanted this problem to be solved, and pushing Zol wouldn’t help.
“I...I wrote those novels to feel more normal” Zol whispered.
“What?” Oam missed the last part of what she had said.
“I wrote them to feel more normal!” Zol burst out. “I don’t feel anything that I’ve ever written about love! Or sex! I had to read so many fics to try and capture what the heck everyone seemed to just know! And I noticed that Y fiction seemed to do the best, and the only people I really know are my brother’s friends! And I just wrote, and it did way better than I ever expected, and I guess I convinced myself that it didn’t matter that it was my brother, cause people thought I was normal!” Zol’s words turned into sobs, and she buried her face into her hands.
Oam got out his handkerchief and gave it to her. He let herself calm herself down, then started talking.
“You know, I have a cousin who’s dating a homoromantic, asexual man. My cousin said that his boyfriend was always willing to help others like him. I can ask my cousin if his boyfriend is willing to talk to you, if you would like that”
Zol nodded, looking calmer and more thoughtful. “That’s what it’s called? Asexual?”
“If you have no sexual attraction, yes. When you have no romantic attraction, that’s called aromantic. Both are often shortened, asexual to ace, aromantic to aro. When you’re both, people usually call themselves ‘aro ace’”
“Aro ace” Zol murmured, trying out how it felt on her tongue.
“You’re young, so you don’t have to use those labels, or you can use them and find they don’t fit you, which is absolutely fine. You get to choose your labels, or you can choose to use none. But Nong Zol?”
Zol looked up at Oam’s serious face. “Yes, Phi?”
“You do not get to choose other people’s labels. Ever. They know their sexuality better than you ever will. Just because you can guess doesn’t mean you get a say in their labels. And if they change labels, you say ‘okay’ and use those labels for them. If they change pronouns, you make the effort until it’s effortless. Always. Even for people you dislike. Got it?”
Zol nodded solemnly. Oam stood up and held out his hand.
“I think we could use a coffee break, don’t you?”
Zol sniffled and laughed, accepting his hand.
Oam steered Zol to the cafe, finding it empty.
“Seems like Zen and Tops are back in the kitchen. Get your drink, then come back and join us, okay?” Oam said, waving at Phume, who was looking at him curiously.
“Oh…I thought you were staying” Zol said quietly, her face falling.
“I need to go back, we were out there a while” Oam said gently. “You’ll be fine”
Zol nodded uncertainly.
“You three, be nice to her” Oam said sternly, although a smile was on his face.
The three baristas saluted him in unison, causing Zol to giggle and Oam to snort.
“Bye, N’Zol, see you in the kitchen soon!”
Zol watched him go, feeling better now that she had finally admitted her secret.
“So what do you want?” Phume asked gently. “The special?”
“Hmmm…not today. I’ll take a hot chocolate”
“Coming right up” Golf said, starting it.
Once she had her drink, she sat down at a table, going over the conversations she had with Zen and Oam. She knew she would have to apologize to Zen, but then she realized she should probably apologize to the entire group...and her brother. Gulping, Zol got out her phone and dialed Zon’s number.
“Zol? Aren’t you working?” Zon sounded confused, and Zol imagined he had been working on his novel, Saifah playing songs on his guitar...Zol shook her head. This had to stop.
“I’m on a break. I called to apologize”
“Okay, who is this and what have you done with my sister? You don’t apologize for anything”
“Phi! This is serious. I’m sorry for writing the novels, especially after you said to stop. I shouldn’t have done that”
“Zol? Are you feeling okay? Or is this a prank?”
“P’Zon! I’m serious. I’m going to delete the Y fictions I wrote that had your name, and I’m going to go through my other ones to see if I actually want them up. I talked with P’Oam and he helped show me what I was doing”
“Well, if you say so, Zol”
“Phiii”
“Zol, I’m sorry, but I’ll believe you when I see it. You already said that you would and then you didn’t”
Zol sighed. “I know. And I’m sorry for that, P’Zon. But he also helped me discover what my sexuality is”
“Did he?” Zon sounded distracted. “Sorry, Zol, Mae is calling for me”
“Wait! Put me on speaker, I’ll tell all of you guys now”
“Zol, she sounds seriously pissed. I don’t think it’s a good time. But call me later, okay? I gotta go” Zon hung up.
Zol looked at her phone and seriously considered throwing it. But that wouldn’t solve anything. She resolved to call Zon back later and tell her family her news. She finished her drink and went back to the kitchen.
“Curry again?” Win said as he got his food, making a face. “Feels like we have this a little too often”
“It’s a hotel specialty” Pao reminded him. “And you could get something else if you want it that badly”
“He knows, he just likes to complain” Tops said. “Plus, we went out for lunch, he’s not going to spend money if he doesn’t have to”
“Is it one of those days we all have dinner together?” Pun asked, coming into the room and seeing most of the interns there already.
“I think so” Tutor said, sitting at a table with Zen and Pharm.
“Zol isn’t here” Manaow pointed out from where she was sitting with Del.
“Yeah, that might be because of me” Zen said.
“Why, what happened?” Pao asked, sitting next to Pharm.
“I got mad at her for the novels” Zen admitted. “My boyfriend got into a car crash--he’s okay, don’t worry, I talked to him just a little while ago, everyone is gonna be fine, but the car is a wreck--and Zol overheard. She didn’t know I was dating him, she thought I was dating someone else. And I got mad at her, partly because, you know, my boyfriend was in a car crash, and partly because those novels...kinda weren’t great”
“I know they weren’t, Zen” Zol said from the doorway. “That’s why I deleted them. And a lot of my other novels that weren’t actually representation. P’Oam and I talked about them and I realize I really was treating people like they were characters and I had control over their lives. But I don’t. I’m sorry”
Zen and Tutor were shocked by her apology, their silverware clattering to the table. The other interns looked from Zol and the other two, unsure of what they should do.
“I know this isn’t an excuse, but P’Oam helped me realize I’m aro ace, so that’s why I wrote those stories, to help me feel more normal. Not sure exactly how much that helped, since I always felt a little weird writing smut scenes, and now I realize it’s not just because I’m not a guy, it’s because I don’t want to experience that. At all. So I think that was the wrong way to go around it” Zol said nervously. “Also, Del, if you want me to stop writing your story, I absolutely will. I’m going to start using OC’s, like you said. Win, I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have tried to project onto you. I’m going to do more research into my sexuality and P’Oam has someone I can talk to, so...yeah. I’m sorry, everyone”
Once she had finished talking, she stood nervously, hoping that even if they didn’t forgive her, they would at least accept her.
“Actually...that makes so much sense” Zen said thoughtfully. “I had wondered why you weren’t willing to even try to pretend with Natee, since that was free information right at your fingertips”
“I didn’t want to see anything, and I knew I couldn’t fake it with a real person” Zol admitted, her eyes starting to well.
“N’Zol, don’t cry! You know I start crying when others cry!” Tutor exclaimed, and sure enough, his eyes were becoming bright with tears.
The other interns laughed gently, and Zen and Tutor came over to hug her, which she tearfully accepted. It turned into a whole hug fest, with even Win coming over and giving her one, saying he knew how hard it was to accept a sexuality crisis. When it was over, Zol got her food and sat down, and everyone came and sat close together.
“So...aro ace, huh?” Pao asked mischievously. “She’s out, y’all, you know what that means”
“Bad PUN time?” Pun asked, looking equally mischievous.
“It is?” Zol asked, looking confused.
“Only if you want it to be” Pao said, shrugging. “I did this when other friends came out, they said it helped them know they were accepted by me at least. I mean, it helped that I’m omni-that means I have a bit more of a gender preference than a bi person usually does-as well, but you know, certain so-called phobias run deep”
“Wow, I wish I had friends like you, then” Win said. “When I came out as bi in high school, I got weird stares and some so-called friends started avoiding me”
“They aren’t worth thinking about, then” Manaow said.
“You got that right” Win nodded in her direction.
“Well, I’m ready. Lay them on me” Zol said, figuring she should get it over with, and that she could use them in her next story, which she had started outlining after she had come up with her apology.
“What an ace friend we have” Tutor started.
“She has all the aces up her sleeve” Pao said.
“If she were to tell someone she were straight, it would be a bald-fACEd lie” Pun said.
“If Zol became a pilot, she’d be ARO-dynamic” Tops supplied.
“Oh, that’s a good one” Zol said, smiling. “Any more?”
The puns flew in from left and right, and Zol knew that she was accepted just the way she was.