Sudongtober 2020

Bora only barely resists the urge to slam her head down on the bar the moment she claims a seat. The bartender is quick to approach and even quicker to pick up on her mood.

“Something strong tonight, miss?”

Bora nods, sending as much of an appreciative smile as she can manage at the moment. “Do your worst.”

That earns a small chuckle out of the bartender as they walk away, plucking various bottles to mix together Bora’s comfort for the night. She’s not worried, she knows Yubin will take care of her. She doesn’t think they’ve quite made it past the professional boundary yet, that they could be considered friends, but Bora’s confident in her status as one of their favorite regulars. 

Yubin’s seen some of Bora’s worst days, and they’ve pretty much gotten her figured out when it comes to what she likes and how much she needs. 

Not that Bora's saying she's in here every night… though she'll admit her visits to the bar are a bit too frequent. At least, too frequent for someone like her, considering when she comes here it's alone and often to drown out yet another shitty day.

The problem is, she's long past the point of acceptance. Sure, her job is everything she never wanted, her life is boring… but hey, it pays the bills and she's got the spare cash for treating herself to these outings. 

That's enough, right?

If she ever stopped to think about it longer than the time it takes for the buzz to kick in… maybe she'd finally accept that it's not. But she doesn't. 

Instead she shrugs off the abuses of her soul-sucking job (god, why did she ever take that promotion?) and saunters to the bar down the road. The drinks are good and Yubin is probably one of the best listeners Bora's ever met, even with their need to serve other patrons at the same time. 

It's enough. It has to be. Because it's all Bora has.

She's broken out of her thoughts, but not by the arrival of her drink. Instead it's a woman sliding into the seat next to hers and hitting on her with a comical attempt at a deep "manly" voice.

"Hey baby, mind if I buy you a drink tonight?"

Bora rolls her eyes, refusing to even grant them the success of getting her to look up. "Not interested, thank you."

The woman laughs lightly, which makes Bora pause. She freezes, trying to decide if the familiarity of that laugh was real or imagined.

The woman makes a sad sound, a playful little hmph that Bora hasn't heard in years. Her voice lifts back to its natural tone and now Bora knows for sure the familiarity was real.

"Aw… you didn't even give me a chance to change your mind with my unbelievable beauty." She accentuates the last words with a dramatic flip of her hair that Bora looks up just in time to catch.

Bora can't keep the utter shock off her face.

"...Dongie?"

-----

The way the night progresses after that feels surreal to Bora. In a good way, of course. But definitely unreal.

Handong doesn't miss a beat once she gets that confirmation that Bora remembers her. Conversation picks right up after that, as if it had been only days since they'd last spoken, rather than the years that had actually passed.

Bora doesn't really want to acknowledge it, but it's enough to already have her thinking about what-ifs. Everything from what if Handong hadn't left, or Bora had gone with her, to what if the other woman still feels the same way?

The "as well" is unspoken, even in Bora's own head. But what can she say? It's nerve-wracking to think too deeply about it even if the general idea of it won't go away. It’s been a long time, and Handong is likely just as settled into her life as Bora is. Even if there were still feelings for each other on both sides, it’s not like they can just… pick up right where they left off.

Right?

Even so, Bora will admit to having entertained the idea before, during the brief times her old flame had crossed her mind. Knowing the feelings that still lingered for her, dormant in the younger woman’s absence but definitely still there, it made her wonder if Handong felt the same. If the fire burned just as brightly for her as it had for Bora, too bright for even the time and the distance to ever put out.

But, Bora supposes, any flame can go out - no matter how brilliantly it burned - if left without fuel for long enough. It’s one thing for a friendship like the one they had before getting together to pick back up after this long. It’s something else entirely to expect, or even just hope, that a relationship could do the same. That Handong waited for Bora all these years.

She brushes all that aside as best she can. Handong’s telling her about how she finally landed herself on Broadway, even so far as getting a lead role in Phantom of the Opera, a dream of hers since they were kids. The excitement and pride Bora feels for her is genuine, and so is the desire to express that and shower Handong in praises. So Bora doesn’t let any of her thoughts about what they used to be, or the dreams of her own that got left behind, get in the way of catching up with her friend.

-----

That is, until Handong herself is the one to bring them up. 

Yubin’s been keeping them hydrated all night, and maybe that’s why it’s time for this talk to happen. Or maybe it was Handong’s intention all along, and Bora only naively thought they’d be able to avoid it. They’d spent enough time talking about their jobs and Bora had had loads of fun listening to Handong’s stories about her crazy performer friends, she really thought she was in the clear.

Regardless, Handong does, and Bora almost spits up her drink when she sputters in response.

“What?”

Handong giggles a bit, raising an eyebrow at the shorter woman’s antics. “I said, do you still ever wonder about… us. What could’ve been, you know?” She pauses, tacking on something quieter at the end. Quiet enough that Bora isn’t sure she hears it right. “What we could be, maybe.”

Bora blinks a few times, trying to process. Should she comment on that last bit? Did she even hear that right at all? She’s not entirely sure how honest she wants to be to the first question, much less how she’d want to answer the quiet part.

Then again, it doesn’t really matter what she wants to say. How much or how little she wants to reveal isn’t in her control. It never has been, not when it comes to Handong. 

And that proves itself to be true once again when she just… blurts it out. “All the time.”

Bora’s eyes widen, and it’s only with conscious effort that she stops herself from slapping a hand over her traitor of a mouth. So much for playing it cool. 

Handong, however, just smiles. “Me too.”

Now this time Bora’s sure she heard right, but balks at the words nonetheless. “Really?”

The orange haired woman nods, her smile only growing. “Really.” She sighs, looking up towards the bar. “There just… never was anyone else, you know? I love the people in my troupe but not like that. And maybe I was just too occupied with everything to look but… no one else ever made me feel like you do, Bora.”

It stirs everything up in Bora’s gut. Outwardly she stays still, but inside it all swirls, possibilities usually brushed off as silly all suddenly becoming very, very real. 

“Being back in town… I couldn’t resist. I’d have wanted to see you no matter what, but I also couldn’t miss the opportunity to test the waters. To see if it still felt the same, if you still felt the same.” Handong looks back over, eyes travelling deliberately down and back up the shorter woman’s entire body in a slow but fluid movement. “Something tells me I was on the right track to think nothing’s changed between us.”

Bora swallows hard, and nurses her drink to buy some time. She can’t deny the way everything in her wants to jump headfirst into this opportunity. Handong, Handong, the one who’s never left her mind, is really here. She’s here, and ready to try again. What else could Bora have asked for? 

“I… I can’t say you’re wrong.” Bora eyes the smirk on Handong’s face as she admits that, eager to slow her down. “But! What exactly are you saying we do? You said it yourself, you’re here for a bit for the run of this show and then you and your troupe are off, back to the other side of the world. If we were to try again it’d be exactly that - trying again. Not jumping right in for a brief fling before you leave.”

Handong looks hurt, and Bora tries not to feel too much of the regret that hits her at the sight. She knows she’s right, even if her body right now would love to tell her mind to fuck off so it can have a nice night without all the worrying.

“You never were just a fling to me.” Handong says, and Bora’s heart clenches.

“I know, that’s not what I meant. Just that, we have to think ahead with this. I don’t see how being set in careers this far apart from each other could ever work out, no matter how much I want it to.”

A pause settles over them, the sounds of the bar finally making themselves known once again as Bora waits for a response. She prepares herself for the worst, Handong is living her dream right now, so there’s no way she’ll change any of that to accommodate Bora back in her life. And Bora would never dream of asking her to. 

Maybe she’ll still want to go through with making the most of their time in the same country. Bora knows it wouldn’t be healthy, having to watch Handong leave again would crush her. And she hates it because she knows herself, and has very little confidence she could deny Handong if that is indeed what she wants to do. 

“Come with me.” Handong blurts out.

Okay, that one Bora wasn’t prepared for.

“What?”

“Come with me.” Handong says again, this time with more confidence. “We can try again, start over. And then you can come with me when I go back.”

“I-... I can’t just… leave. Just like that, are you crazy?”

“I guess I am, since you always were the crazy one back in the day… but that girl I fell in love with doesn’t seem to be here right now. I’ll happily pick up the slack until she comes back.”

Bora balks at her words, so brazen and forward. It does dawn on her that Handong’s right, considering the way she’s acting is exactly the way Bora herself would’ve acted back before this corporate nightmare crushed her spirit. Regardless, Handong steamrolls right ahead before Bora can respond. 

“Why can’t you leave, anyways? What’s keeping you here?” She raises an eyebrow in challenge.

Bora sputters a bit as she tries to collect herself, and flails for any solid reasons. “My-, my job for one? I can’t, what, just walk out? And… I mean, my family, my friends? I’ve lived here my whole life, how can I just uproot it all on a whim?”

The orange haired woman hums in response, not impressed. “You hate your job.”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Do you want to work in the same field?” When Bora gives a quiet ‘no’ as an answer, Handong keeps going. “Then who cares if it’s unprofessional or whatever to not give your two weeks notice? Fuck ‘em. Get out of that corporate hellhole and never look back.”

Bora weakly protests. “But… money?”

“What, your Regional Manager position didn’t give you a decent savings? It’s the least such a shitty job could do.”

“I mean, yeah-”

“Cool, then it’s settled. I can also help if needed while you’re job hunting. But you’re way too talented and hard working, you’ll find something.” Handong smiles, somehow both smug and reassuring. Like she’s genuinely paying a compliment, while also very confidently shutting down any potential argument Bora could make.

“As for the other reasons…” Handong continues, a little bit softer now. They both know she’s getting into more sensitive territory. “Your family… have they even talked to you yet?”

Bora’s heart clenches painfully, and she hates that it does. It’s unfair really. How much power her family still has to hurt her, even after all these years. “No. Not once since… well, you know.”

And Handong does. She was there when it all went down, when Bora’s family found out about them. She’d seen the terrible reactions, the way they’d shut down any pleas from Bora to understand, to let her explain. She’d seen first hand the way Bora had done everything she could after that, to please them, to regain their favor - abandoning pursuit of the dream job they’d never really approved of for the secure corporate one being one of Bora’s many attempts that went ignored. 

There’s a small bit of bittersweet relief for the orange haired woman. She’d always wondered if Bora’s refusal to let her go in the aftermath of what happened was why none of her other attempts to gain favor had worked. Why would her homophobic family accept Bora’s new job if she was still with a woman, after all? It’s nice to know it wasn’t solely her fault for staying that Bora’s family remained unmoved, but makes everything else so much worse to have confirmation that there was literally nothing Bora could have done to get her family back, short of simply having been born as someone else. 

Handong sighs, carefully laying a hand on Bora’s where it rests on the bar. “I know it’s hard, but maybe it’s time to let them go. For good.”

Bora’s breath hitches, but it doesn’t hit her as hard as she expected. It’s probably because deep down, she knows Handong is right. The last time Handong had left… neither of them wanted to cut it off. They tried the long distance for a little bit, but it just didn’t work. Part of Bora had considered going for it, going out on a limb and joining Handong across the ocean, but she still had hope for her family.

Family had always meant so much to Bora. Even when all the signs were there… she still felt the need to keep trying. As devastated as she was when she and Handong finally broke it off, a small part of her hoped that maybe it would be the tipping point to get her family back. 

Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t. Nothing was enough, no matter how hard Bora tried to regain their approval.

She tried so hard, and for so long… maybe it really is time to move on. She’s done all she could and left the ball in their court. At this point maybe all she can do is let them try to contact her if they ever do have a miraculous change of heart.

“Maybe… Maybe you’re right.”

The hand on top of hers leaves, but Bora only misses the warmth for a moment before that arm is wrapped around her, pulling her against the younger woman. They stay like that for a little while, both enjoying the familiar feeling. There’s something beautiful about it to Bora, no matter how the night will end. That even after all this time they can still find that same comfort in each other.

Handong’s voice is still soft when she finally breaks the moment. “So, will you come with me?”

Bora frowns, her hesitance rising back up to the surface. “Dongie, I-...”

Already sensing where she’s going with it, Handong cuts her off, again. “Come on, we already debunked your reasons. What was the last one? Friends?” Her tone turns teasing, even if there is an undertone of sadness due to the point she’s making. “Do you even have friends anymore?”

“Hey! I have friends!” Bora responds, indignant. Though it’s more an instinctual response than anything. A defense of what little pride she has left. When they were younger, Bora had been the one always introducing Handong to people, while the younger woman mostly kept to herself. It seems like now that is yet another role that has flipped between them.

“Really?” Handong asks, pinching Bora’s arm playfully. “Like who?”

Put on the spot, Bora flails yet again. Her mind quickly rifles through the people she knows - the friends from school and her old job she’s long since lost contact with, the coworkers at her current job that are acquaintances at best and assholes at worst. 

Damn, she thinks, if nothing else comes of tonight, Dongie’s really laid bare just how empty my shitty life is now.  

The bartender crosses her vision, and Bora latches onto the only answer she can come up with. “I have Yubin! They’re my friend, right Yubin?”

They perk up at the sound of their name, making their way back over to the two women as they finish with the glass they were wiping off. “You called? Need something?”

Before Bora can plead her case, and hopefully get Yubin to at least help her save a little face, Handong takes over. 

“Bora says you’re her friend, so, as her friend… You totally think it’s time for her to ditch this place for a new start with me, right?”

Surprise lifts the bartender’s eyebrows, and Bora just groans. “Dongie…” She admonishes, her head finally sinking to the bar like she’d avoided at the beginning of the night and laying defeated on her arms. 

“Oh!” Something about Yubin’s tone sets off warning bells in Bora’s head, so she turns to peek up at them. Sure enough, amusement has settled into their expression, albeit tampered down by the sincerity the bartender seems to carry with them no matter what situation they’re in. 

"So you're the Dongie I've heard so much about?"

Handong hums happily in response to that, the noise colored by a bit of intrigue. She leans closer to Bora, “So you’ve been talking about me, hmm?”

Another groan leaves Bora’s throat before she can stop it. “...Maybe a little.”

Yubin laughs… and proceeds to throw Bora under the bus. “All the time, you mean. I’ve been wondering if I’d ever get the chance to meet this mysterious woman always on Bora’s mind.” 

“Yubin!” 

Handong and Yubin both laugh at her now, both seeming to enjoy her flustered state. The bartender lets them settle back down before continuing, that sincerity of theirs washing over them and the whole conversation. 

“Really though, from what you’d told me… Bora. Are you really telling me that this woman has not only come back for you, but wants to take you with her… and you haven’t already said yes?”

Bora’s jaw drops. But, in the moment after that, as Bora waits for Yubin to say something else - walk it back even just a little - they don’t. And it makes Bora think. Really think.

Maybe Yubin has a point.

-----

After that, the final stretch of the night is lighthearted. Yubin offers them a final drink each on the house, and it feels very much like a send-off. 

“Hey, Yubin.” Bora calls out once they’re finally packed up and on their way out. The bartender nods, showing Bora she’s got their attention. “Thank you. For everything.”

Yubin just smiles, a certain warmth to them that Bora’s always found incredibly welcoming. “Good luck. Be sure to stop by if you’re ever back in town.” Bora thinks that’s the end of it, but Yubin leans a little closer, speaking softly enough Handong won’t overhear. “I do mean that, but, honestly? Don’t come back. I might not know you well, but I know you enough to have realized there’s nothing for you here. But there? Wherever you’re going?” Yubin glances over at Handong, where she’s waiting patiently a few steps away. “Seems like things are only about to get better for you.”

They lean back, that same smile still resting on their lips. She’s not sure what, but something about that exchange threatens to send Bora over the edge. Something about how even Yubin - her Not-Friend that somehow was also her Only Friend - could see just how empty Bora’s life is. How much she needs a change. And how supportive of that change they are, just because they want better for her.

Noticing that Bora seems a little overcome with emotion, Yubin swoops in like the damn knight in shining armor they are to lighten the mood. They lift up their hand for a fist bump and send a cheesy wink her way. “Now go get her, tiger. Maybe give it at least a day or two, but if you absolutely can’t wait, make sure you use protection.”

It’s more than effective, earning a squeal and indignant push from Bora (after she gave them their fist bump, she’s not a monster). She thanks them again as she rejoins Handong, linking their arms together and sending a final wave over her shoulder. Yubin responds with a casual salute before they return to the other patrons.

That’s actually when it really hits Bora. When she sees Yubin’s back. She’s just said goodbye - for the last time, most likely - to the only person she really has any connection to in this place. This life she’s been living. And now she’s arm in arm with the woman who’ll take her to an entirely different life to start anew.

It seemed scary when they’d first started discussing it, and she’s sure there are logistical nightmares to come with paperwork and what to do with her stuff and everything else.

But now? She can’t deny the excitement. It’s thrilling. For the first time in a long time, Bora has something to look forward to, and she feels like she might be regaining just a little bit of the old Bora. The one that knew what she wanted, and how to have fun. 

They exit the bar and start walking towards Bora’s apartment, and Handong seems to pick up on the energy slowly beginning to seep off of the older woman.

“C’mon, show me what kind of fancy place a regional manager can afford, and we’ll figure out the rest of the logistics tomorrow once you quit.”

“You’re insane, Dongie.”

Handong’s response to that isn’t defensive, or even joking. Instead, it’s fond. “And so are you, Bora. I can’t wait for you to remember that once we kick things off tomorrow.”