Sudongtober 2020

Hanahaki Disease. Common enough for people to know about it - what it is, what it does, etc. But rare enough for it to be hard to imagine getting. It’s easy to think about it and be absolutely sure “that’ll never happen to me.” 

Bora coughs again, lighter this time thankfully. It still hurts, but that’s more because of how scratchy her throat is from all the coarse hacking she’s been doing the past… twenty minutes? Has it already been an hour? She has no idea.

All she knows is that no matter how long she spent hunched over the toilet and feeling the pain all down her throat into her chest, it still doesn’t feel real. Sure, she can see the flower parts in the water below. Little pieces of stems and leaves, torn to the point of being mostly unrecognizable by the turbulent trip from her lungs to her lips. 

But as she stares at the last thing she’d coughed up, the thing she’d managed to catch and hold in her hand, it finally starts to sink in.

After all, it’s hard to think “that’ll never happen to me” while literally holding onto the very proof that it has indeed happened to her.

Bora’s vision starts to blur, the petal in her palm the only thing occupying it. 

She doesn’t know what it means. Purple? Why? Why now? There’s only one person that she could possibly catch this for at the moment, and it doesn’t make sense. Not after so long. 

Nor does the flower make sense. She’s heard that they usually in some way represent the person the diseased has fallen for, and it’s just… not really a color Bora ever associated with her. Granted, she doesn’t recognize what type of flower it is in the slightest - she’d never had much of a green thumb anyways - so maybe the symbolism is there and she just can’t see it.

Then again, maybe that’s just it. Instead of it coming out of nowhere after so long, maybe the way Bora should be looking at it is that it’s been a long time coming. And after what happened tonight before she made it home…

No. 

Bora squeezes her eyes shut, feeling like she’s fighting a losing battle to purge from her mind the memory of the last few hours. Every time she thinks about it - and she can’t stop thinking about it - is another wave that tears through her insides. Each piece of a stem, each leaf, each and every purple petal a soldier in the army battering her down from the inside out. An army she faces alone, unarmed and helpless. Is it any wonder she’s no match for it?

Coherent thought leaves her as another cough racks her frame, her irritated throat lighting up again in pain. Groaning, she lets her head fall, the coolness of the seat against her temple only the briefest of reprieves. She crushes the petal in her hand, watching the purple smear across her palm as it breaks into pieces before falling into the bowl with everything else.

Hanahaki Disease.

It tears into her throat even more, upsetting her already wounded and sensitive lungs, but she can’t help it anymore. Can’t hold it back as everything starts to register in her mind and the gravity of the situation settles in on her.

For the first time since finally coming to terms with the feelings she has for her (former..?) best friend...

Bora cries.

-----

When Bora wakes up, it’s to panicked calls of her name. She slowly becomes aware of her sister’s voice, and the fact that she’s being shaken. And… tile floor? Is she still in the bathroom?

“-ra? Bora what-... Siyeon! Get in here!”

It’s too loud. Why were they both always so loud? Sometimes Bora hates that that particular trait seemed to run in her family. The words bounce around her head, making her ears ring. She groans in protest and feebly tries to roll away from the hands gripping her arm.

“Bora? Oh thank god.” Her sister (mercifully) calms down once seeing that Bora is at least semi-conscious. Her grip is still tight, but she stops yelling and shaking her for the moment and it’s a relief Bora’s tired body is grateful for.

Vaguely she hears Siyeon enter the room, starting with questions as to what’s wrong before devolving into similar concerned (though thankfully quieter) calls of her name. Bora can’t really focus on it a whole lot, however, as memories filter through her mind haphazardly of how she got here and she can feel the pain returning with them.

Her chest starts to tighten and Bora clamps down internally as best she can, wanting to hold it all back as much as possible. But it hurts and her focus flits in and out, sometimes there and sometimes not as if her senses are on a bad wifi connection with the world itself.

Her sister’s voice gets a bit closer to her, and Bora figures she must’ve kneeled down. “Bora? What happened? Did you guys eat something bad?”

“Gahyeon…” Siyeon’s voice is still further away, and if Bora thought it was full of concern before, now it’s dripping with it. 

Gahyeon ignores her though, still trying to get a response from Bora. “Why didn’t you call me? I wasn’t exactly expecting food poisoning but I told you I’d be here right away if anything went wrong last night.”

Right. Bora remembers that now. Before going out, her sister had been adamant about calling her if Bora needed anything afterwards, since they weren’t sure how it would go and Gahyeon knew she was nervous. 

But Bora wasn’t really doing much thinking at all once she made it home. Stumbling into the bathroom had taken most of her energy and that was that. She croaks out the best explanation she can manage. 

“Didn’t… didn’t make it that far.” Her voice is scratchy and the words feel like sandpaper as they travel up her throat. It would almost amaze Bora how much damage seems to have been done to her in one night, if it weren’t such a grave situation.

“Oh, Bora… what-” 

“Gahyeon.” 

Siyeon’s firm call finally gets her girlfriend’s attention, cutting her off from asking Bora another question. 

“What?”

“I…” Siyeon’s voice shakes a little as she continues, “I don’t think it was food poisoning.”

Bora rolls over onto her back, feeling a bit like a crash dummy after a long day of tests when she flops over gracelessly. But it is just in time to see Gahyeon stand up and look where Siyeon was staring - at the toilet. Surely still full of all the debris Bora had spent the night coughing up before she finally passed out.

Through her lidded eyes she can just make out the way her sister responds to what she’s seeing. It’s a visceral physical reaction, one that seems to pass through her whole body so extensively Bora can watch it happen even in her impaired state. Gahyeon collapses a little, like her knees had threatened to give out, and she grips Siyeon’s arm tightly to steady herself. 

Understandable though, Bora supposes. There was a lot of stuff she coughed up last night.

“Is that… blood?”

Blood? She doesn’t remember blood… surely she’s not already that far along? Bora doesn’t know a whole lot about Hanahaki, but she does know there are several stages of severity. If she remembers correctly, going from basically nothing to this bad in one night is already skipping a couple stages. Adding blood to it… there’s no way.

“There’s so much of it… and the rest… I can’t even tell what color the petals are.”

Bora doesn’t want to believe Gahyeon’s low statement, but sure enough it’s undeniable when her vision finally makes its way to where they’re looking. There’s red smeared along the side of the toilet, like Bora had wiped her mouth then dragged her hand along it on her way to the floor. It’s sickeningly reminiscent of horror or crime movie imagery and hard for her to look at. She can only imagine what the inside is like. 

Maybe she’d use the lack of a bloody taste in her mouth as a method of denial as well, but she figures it’s just overwhelmed by the acrid plant flavor that fills it instead. Glancing over to see more of the darkened red color on her hand shuts down what little fight she had left. God, she doesn’t remember any of this from last night, just how long was she out?

Something shifts in the air and it’s a feeling Bora knows all too well, having been on the receiving end of it plenty of times whenever she does something reckless or stupid. Especially if it means she gets hurt. She sees it happen as her sister’s form suddenly tenses with new purpose. Gahyeon turns on her, face screwed up with worry and hurt and everything else as she approaches. 

“How long have you been hiding this? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Bora wants to deny it. Convince her that she didn’t know. She can see the hurt in Gahyeon’s face and how it’s flavored with betrayal. Bora wants her baby sister to know she wouldn’t do that to her, but her throat only clogs up more as time passes and she just doesn’t have the strength to explain. 

“I didn’t… know.” Bora forces it out, only barely containing the coughs that try to follow. 

Gahyeon crouches down again, more anger filling her features. Bora knows it’s not from a malicious place, and that more than anything her sister is just starting to freak out in the face of something horrible. Not something Bora would ever dream of blaming her for. It just doesn’t change the fact that it feels like rubbing salt in the wound to go through what’s happened to her so far and now have her sister angry at her on top of it.

Siyeon comes down with Gahyeon, hands on her shoulders as if to hold her back. Like she’s attempting to press calmness into the younger woman. She calls out her name quietly as well but it’s lost in the whirlwind of Gahyeon’s panicked words. 

“You ‘didn’t know?’ Bora, it looks like a fucking murder scene in here. And you want me to believe you didn’t see so much as a petal before now?”

Bora tries to respond, but it gets caught in her throat along with whatever else is about to come up. Her whole frame shakes with the force of the coughs, each a harsh blow to her damaged system. She knows it’s too late to stop them so instead she forces her words out in between each fit of guttural sounds.

“Swear… didn’t… know…” She hears Siyeon gently shushing her but needs to get it out. “-mm… sorry.”

It’s hard to see, since her eyes keep clenching shut as the coughs keep coming, but she thinks the fight starts to leave Gahyeon. Maybe I earned some pity points with how pathetic I look, Bora thinks bitterly. She knows her sister wouldn’t view her that harshly, but it’s hard to see positives at the moment. 

Not that she can focus on that anymore anyways. The sound of Siyeon chastising Gahyeon (“Gahyeon, please, not now. Questions can wait-”) fades as liquid starts to bubble up. The metallic taste that had been missing before is definitely there now. 

The nauseating wet sounds her coughs take on must attract renewed attention and worry because immediately Bora feels a hand grab her arm again. It pulls her towards the couple, rolling her onto her side and granting her the relief of being able to easily spit out the blood and flower pieces that have been gathering. 

“There you go, don’t talk. Just get it out and take it easy.” Siyeon’s soothing voice reaches her and Bora does as she’s told. Her friend continues holding her up on her side but starts to address Gahyeon instead. 

“Questions later.” It takes on a firmer tone again, like Siyeon had cut Gahyeon off when she tried to say something. “We need to get her to the hospital, can you carry her?”

It takes a moment, but Gahyeon manages a weak "yeah" for a response. But her voice cracks in the middle, too many things in her mind all at once likely proving too much for the younger woman.

She clears her throat before answering with a more confident tone. "Yeah, I can."

The rest of their conversation blurs in Bora's perception, the loud coughs and relentless barrage of unsettling or painful sensations from within making it hard to focus on anything else. She gets the gist of it - Siyeon instructing Gahyeon to stay while she gets the car, and then bring Bora down once the older sibling can handle the trip. 

The hand holding her up switches, and Bora takes what comfort she can in the fact that her sister's hold is gentle now, without any of the aggression from earlier. She then hears the sound of a quick kiss and figures Siyeon must’ve dropped one on Gahyeon’s head, one of her go-to ways to comfort the younger woman. 

It's a habit she actually picked up from Bora, when she decided to share some older sister insider knowledge about how much doing that always helped Bora calm Gahyeon down when they were growing up. 

A habit Bora also had whenever she’d needed to comfort her- 

The coughs suddenly get harsher, another wave of debris coming up. As if the very thought of Bora’s best friend spurs the garden in her lungs into further action. It almost feels like the plants come alive, vicious vines writhing within her to claw upwards and chase away the memories.

If only it actually worked. Bora had always considered those memories as precious things to be held onto even as she and her friend had grown apart. Maybe even more so as the distance had grown and the silence stretched on. But it's hard to want to keep them at the moment when every lap they run around her mind is another bout of agony, both mental and physical.

Thankfully her sister's soothing voice does work, at least a little bit. Gahyeon isn't saying anything complex, but her murmurings of "it's okay," and "I'm here," are lifelines that Bora grasps on to. Something for her to focus on in hopes of letting everything else fade to the background. At least long enough for her lungs to stop caving in on themselves for a moment.

Gahyeon's other hand runs through her hair as the hacking subsides. Bora closes her eyes, relishing the feeling. Little residual coughs make her jerk, and her hair is probably all sweaty and gross from what her body's been through in the last twelve hours or so, but Gahyeon is unwavering in her comfort. 

When Bora's body finally stills, her breathing tired and ragged but the coughs mercifully done for the moment, Gahyeon combs through her hair one last time before speaking.

"Ready for me to pick you up?"

Still with her eyes closed, the energy needed to lift them open feeling monumental at the moment, Bora just nods as best she can. She curls up slightly in an attempt to help Gahyeon get a hold of her. Her sister secures her with an arm around her waist and under her legs before lifting her up with a huff.

Bora's a little surprised, she won't lie. Apparently the pilates has payed off for her. Regardless, she relishes in the feeling of being held, tucking her face into Gahyeon's shoulder. The younger woman squeezes her gently to offer any reassurance she can.

"You're gonna be alright. We'll get through this, okay? I've got you." Gahyeon's voice wavers just slightly as she says it, but Bora can feel her strength and conviction nonetheless. She knows it's probably not easy for Gahyeon to be on this side of things, since Bora has always been the guardian figure taking care of her. But she's really trying to step up now that Bora is the one that needs her support.

Bora likes to think she raised her well, but it's in times like this she feels the most certain of it. Her baby sister's grown into such an independent, kind and caring woman. If Bora can claim to have had even the smallest hand in making that happen, she's proud of that.

They make it most of the way down to the lobby before Bora can't hold it anymore and has to voice her thought.

"Feels weird."

Gahyeon scoffs a little in response. "'Weird.' That's the best word you have for all of this."

Bora shakes her head the best she can, nestled up against her sister's shoulder as she is. "No. Not all that." Tapping her finger against Gahyeon's shoulder, she tries to indicate what she means. "This."

It takes a moment, but Gahyeon lets out a small "ah" as she realizes. "It's different. I have to say I prefer being the one carried, we should get back to that arrangement instead.” 

The tone is teasing, but Gahyeon can’t quite fully mask the worry that underlies it. It pulls at Bora’s heart because she’s right, this situation is backwards and for all the wrong reasons. Bora shouldn’t be the one being carried, and it’s only an illness so serious that there’s a yet unspoken but still present threat of death hanging over them that’s made it happen. 

Gahyeon seems to sense that the quip didn’t hit quite right, so she continues. “I suppose it’s about time I returned the favor though. Is now a good time to confess that a lot of times I just pretended to fall asleep so you would carry me?”

Bora smiles a little, lightly hitting Gahyeon. She’s surprised, but only at the fact that her sister finally owned up to it. “I know,” she says quietly. It makes Gahyeon pause in her steps for a moment, looking down at Bora to make sure she heard correctly. Bora just keeps her smile. 

It’d started just as Gahyeon being amazing at falling asleep in moving vehicles, especially after nights out with her sister while said sister was driving. Bora never had the heart to wake her up, especially knowing how deeply the younger girl could sleep and how much she needed it. She suspected after a few more times though that Gahyeon had started taking advantage of that. A couple times more of Gahyeon snuggling up against Bora just a little too coherently when she carried her into the apartment building, her breathing just a little too shallow to suggest actual sleep, and Bora was sure she was being taken advantage of.

Too bad she was too soft for her sister to care. It kind of became their thing after that, something so… theirs that not even Siyeon would dare try to edge her way in. Instead just watching fondly whenever her friend would carry her (clearly not sleeping… was Gahyeon even trying anymore?) girlfriend up to bed and joining her there. The two then giggling about Gahyeon getting away with her act as if Bora wasn’t still right outside the door and could hear them loud and clear. 

Gahyeon’s quiet question brings her mind back to the present. “You knew this whole time?”

Bora hums an affirmative. The noise is a bit too low in her throat, causing a couple painful coughs but thankfully they’re brief and she settles back down again. Gahyeon’s thumbs rub back and forth where she’s holding the older woman around her shoulders and legs. A small comfort, but one Bora is grateful for nonetheless.

She feels Gahyeon shake her head a little, perhaps in disbelief. “Then why-...?” She doesn’t finish, letting the question hang in the air. Part of Bora wants to roll her eyes - they both understand each other. How close they are, how Gahyeon often likes to express her love through her words and Bora often prefers to show it through things like this. 

But she can get where Gahyeon’s coming from. The way she’d had to take over raising Gahyeon from a young age, them basically only having each other for most of the younger one’s teens, Bora had taken that more strict mom persona when she felt it was needed. Not always letting Gahyeon get away with stuff like this, pushing her to grow and be independent as much as she loved to baby and take care of her. In that context Bora supposes it is a little surprising she wouldn’t call Gahyeon out and make her walk in on her own. 

Thinking about it now, Bora isn’t even sure why. Something with her being weak for her sister, sure, but that never stopped her with other situations. Maybe in this case it was more the way Gahyeon clearly enjoyed the closeness, enough to commit fully to faking sleep just to get that intimate moment of being gently carried by her sister. And it being a perfect way for Bora to show her love in the way she does best - touch. 

It’s all too much for Bora to try to explain in her fragile state, and words never were her favorite way to express this anyways. Instead she again lifts the hand resting against her sister. Lightly but deliberately she uses her finger to draw a heart on her shoulder and hopes it conveys the message clearly enough. She considers it mission accomplished when Gahyeon sucks in a breath, squeezing Bora more tightly against her for a moment.

The rest of the trip is a blur. Siyeon is anxiously waiting for them outside and helps situate Bora in the car to get them going right away. Gahyeon holds her in the backseat for the ride, only occasionally exchanging quiet words with Siyeon while Bora spends the time flitting in and out of consciousness.

~~~~~~~

"Dongie! It's so good to see you! It's been so long!"

Handong hums in response. "You know, I didn't really want to do this, but I figured if nothing else I could use the free food to justify having to sit through it."

Bora freezes, almost dropping her glass. Both in surprise but also hurt at the blunt statement. Her friend had always been known for being a little “savage,” a playful if sometimes kind of harsh teasing underneath her unassuming and quiet demeanor. But this is different. It’s said without a hint of teasing, like she really could not care less about seeing Bora after all this time.

"O- oh… sorry. I just thought it'd be nice to catch up since you're back in town and all. I didn't mean to pressure you or anything."

Her friend shakes her head and chuckles, nonchalant despite the words that follow. "Don't worry, I don't feel any pressure."

If only Bora could say the same.

[...]

Tense. It's a word Bora never thought she would have to associate with being around Handong. Handong, her best friend for as long as she could remember. Handong, the one she could always turn to as they grew up together, facing the ups and downs of life. 

But that's the word she has to use tonight, at least for herself. Handong doesn't seem to have a care in the world but it only adds to Bora's worries and stokes her nerves.

If she really cares this little about finally seeing Bora again after she left so long ago, is there even any point to confessing how much Bora missed her?

[...]

"You what?" 

The anger, no, rage in her tone stops Bora in her tracks. Handong's glare doesn't let up and it leads to Bora stuttering through her next words trying to recover.

"I-... I'm not expecting anything! I just thought you should know. I miss you - our friendship more than anything - so I thought honesty was best."

"You weren't expecting anything… except for me to drop everything and love you back."

"No! I-..."

"Well you're too late. About two years too late."

[...]

Too late. 

The words ring endlessly in Bora’s head as she stumbles home.

Too late.

The implication is clear, and much more devastating than the rejection alone. 

Too late implies that at one time… things could’ve worked. Maybe there was a time when Handong did return her feelings. Maybe if Bora hadn’t been so oblivious, if she’d only opened herself up instead of brushing everything aside…

Pain clogs her throat and she starts to wonder if this is more than just the threat of tears. Bora hates crying, but it’s never quite this painful to hold back. Her entire chest not only aches, but lights up with shooting pains the more she thinks about the conversation at the restaurant. It’s all she can do to keep moving forward without (hopefully) attracting too much attention from anyone else out and about right now.

She’s had a pretty annoying mild cold for the past couple weeks, but this…

Finally, she crashes into her apartment, all but falling into the bathroom.

Too late.

Suddenly, her coughs aren’t just pushing air out anymore. A death grip on the toilet bowl is all she can do to brace herself before the first wave of plant debris makes its way up her throat.

~~~~~~~

Bora’s eyes open slowly, the room around her much brighter than the last place she can remember being. It takes her a few long moments to realize she’s made it to the hospital and the flashes of the night before must’ve happened during her trip to get here. 

“Bora?”

Her head snaps towards the sound of her sister’s voice. A mistake. Her temples throb with the sudden movement and she has to close her eyes again to ground herself.

“Hey, easy. It’s okay.” 

It sounds like Gahyeon’s moving closer, so Bora lets her head settle back down on the pillow to wait. 

“It looks like she’s actually up this time. Bora, how are you feeling?” 

Cracking an eye open - much more carefully this time - Bora does her best to send an incredulous look towards Gahyeon who’s now at her bedside.

“...Fair point.” Gahyeon sighs. “At least you’re coherent now. Since we got here you’ve been pretty out of it.”

Finally opening her eyes fully, Bora takes in her surroundings to try to figure out what happened. Siyeon steps up to wrap an arm around her girlfriend, both looking down at Bora with concern as they wait. Through the window, she can see that sunset isn’t too far off, so it’s been at least a few hours since they found her in the apartment. 

It’s when Bora’s gaze lands on a partially filled bucket next to her bed that Gahyeon feels the need to fill her in a bit. 

“They gave you that as soon as we got here. I don’t know how much you remember since you were in and out a lot, but you just… wouldn’t stop coughing.” Bora can hear the way Gahyeon’s throat closes up a bit and reaches out slowly to hold her hand. “They finally… I don’t know what but they had to pump you full of all sorts of stuff to sedate you and get the ‘growths to calm down’ or whatever she said. And then they wouldn’t let us empty out the bucket since their expert has to look at it or whatever and all we could do was watch and hope and you were just-...” She chokes up, cutting herself off. Letting out a shaky breath, she turns to Siyeon for help.

“You… there’s a lot, Bora. The doctor asked us how long this has been going on and didn’t believe us when we told her. She said these are symptoms she’d expect after months of slow build up. You’re-...” Siyeon stops, taking a moment to look helplessly at Bora. Like she’s worried she’s about to offend her or something. “You’re sure this didn’t start sooner? Last night was the first time coughing anything up?”

Ah, so that’s why she was worried. Bora doesn’t blame her though, she knows it’s hard to believe, even before having a doctor outright tell them that.

“I’m sure.” Bora says, testing out her voice. Thankfully, whatever they gave her seems to have calmed things down enough that she can speak without it feeling like swallowing sandpaper. But she keeps her voice quiet just in case. “I had-... I thought I had an annoying cold for a couple weeks or so. Last night it all just…” Bora waves a hand around weakly. “Well, you saw.”

Letting her head sink into the bed a bit more and closing her eyes again, Bora prepares herself for the inevitable. She knows what the next question is. She just doesn’t know if she’s ready to answer it (she’s not). The drugs may have stabilized her a bit but if even thinking about what all went down last night to set things off is enough to make her chest light up with pain, she doesn’t really want to know what talking through and reliving it will do to her. 

Siyeon adds her hand to the sisters’, placing it over Bora’s where she’s holding Gahyeon’s and gently squeezes around them both as best she can. 

Bora braces herself.

And jumps when a knock on the door is what instead breaks the silence. Siyeon recovers first and invites the doctor in. Two people enter, one woman who’s obviously the doctor and another who seems vaguely familiar to Bora. She can’t place her, but she does know that she seems a bit out of place walking in after the doctor in her casualwear of jeans and a neat white blouse.

“Ah, good to see you awake, miss Kim Bora.” The doctor offers her hand out to shake and Bora takes it.

“Just Bora is fine.”

It gets a small smile out of the doctor, who nods and drops her hand. “Of course. I’m Lee Yubin, and I’ll be taking care of you from here on out. I specialize specifically in Hanahaki and have treated quite a large variety of cases, so rest assured that you’re in good hands.”

Bora nods, but can’t help the way she keeps glancing at the other woman. Her curiosity was too high to shrug it off. Yubin seems to notice and decides to get it out of the way as she settles herself in front of the computer next to her.

“This is Kim Minji. She’s a florist but comes in to consult for us when we need help identifying which type of plant we’re dealing with for new cases.” Seeing that Bora still seems to be a bit out of it, Yubin continues. “I’m going to check over the notes from the team that brought you in this morning while Minji does her thing, and then we’ll go over what our next steps will be from there.”

Minji. Bora’s hit with a sudden awareness of recognition - now she knows she’s seen this woman before. The owner of the flower shop down the main road, only a few minutes from where the hospital is. They only ever had the one encounter (when Bora needed apology flowers for another time she’d scared her sister) but the woman stuck with Bora. Maybe [definitely] in part for how shockingly beautiful she was, but also for the happy and passionate way she’d called all of the plants in the shop her “babies” when Bora had asked for help putting together her bouquet. 

She’d shown a lot of love for what she did, knowing the meanings of every flower in her store and picking through them with a reverence reserved for that which one holds most dear. Bora remembers leaving that store confident that her bouquet was the best she’d ever bought. How could it not be with flowers so well cared for and so meticulously gathered together by someone that appreciated their beauty in every way she could?

It brings Bora an uncomfortable feeling, one that churns her stomach in a way much different from how her sickness has the past twenty-four hours. Something about the image - about Minji of all people being here - it brings a sad and melancholic weight to the room. Bora thinks it’s the way the florist both seems at home and so, so very out of place here. 

A florist, especially one as bright and soft as this, shouldn’t be so at home here amongst the blood and the death that lingers in the air. Yet Minji slips the blue surgical gloves on with a practiced ease and takes the bucket full of blood and debris from Bora’s insides without even a breath to prepare herself. She dips her hand in without so much as a twitch in her expression at how the sterile blue gives way to the grisly dark red, combing through the liquid to find any pieces of flower still intact enough to identify.

It makes Bora wonder just how much pain, destruction, and perhaps even death the woman has witnessed at the hands of the flowers she holds so dear. What was it like to come into the hospital and consult on which of her “babies” were the ones slowly tearing someone apart from the inside out this week?

Bora’s sure there’s something poignant to be found there. An irony or morbid observation about the world. About beauty and death and how they’re never as far apart as people would like to think. But she’s never been good with expressing feelings through words, and her thoughts have been morbid enough already without venturing into the meta, so she lets that train of thought sputter to a stop.

Instead she watches as Minji examines a bloom she’s found. It’s coated so thoroughly with red that the purple can’t be seen, but the flower itself seems to be intact. The moment drags on and Bora wonders if she imagines the way the woman slowly seems to tense the longer she looks.

“What color are the petals?”

The sudden question makes Bora jump after how long and all-consuming the silence had been. Yubin answers before she can recover enough to do so herself.

“Says here they think they might be purple? Even by the time they arrived this morning it was hard to tell with all the discoloration from the blood according to this.”

Minji turns to Bora. “Purple?”

Bora gulps. She’s not sure exactly why but the way Minji is looking at her is… unsettling. “Y- yeah. Deep and solid. Like a royal purple.” Minji’s gaze holds her own for a beat as she processes the information.

This time Bora knows she isn’t imagining the building tension as Minji’s eyes flit back to the bloom in her hand. Her eyebrows furrow with clear worry and maybe a bit of disbelief, before she abruptly turns back to the doctor.

“Do you have the MRI images yet?”

The worry spreads to Yubin’s face as well, the doctor clearly affected by the turn in Minji’s manner. “The radiologist is still processing them, but it’s been marked as urgent so we should be able to get their initial interpretations as soon as we need.”

Minji nods once. “We need them now. Any image with a decent view of the plant’s shape.”

Wary, Yubin eyes her a bit before responding. It’s the look of someone with a lot of questions but who isn’t sure if it’s the time to ask. “Okay, we’ll go see what they have.” She turns away, but seems to reconsider her earlier attempt to question the florist. “I’m assuming this means you have a hunch?”

Minji keeps her gaze trained on the flower in her bloodied hand, the worry only having grown more prevalent in her expression. Several beats pass and it feels as if the very room holds its breath along with them.

“I do.” Minji finally responds, her eyes unmoving. “And I’m not much of a religious person, but right now... I pray that for once, I’m wrong.”

Gahyeon's hand clenches painfully tight around Bora's.

“Why? Is the flower the reason it’s moving so quickly? What’s going on?” Gahyeon’s voice rises as she speaks, her hand tightening even more around Bora’s until her girlfriend has to remind her to be careful.

“Not necessarily. But… It can make things worse, depending on what type of plant you’re dealing with.” At the continued questioning looks from the sisters, Minji looks to Yubin for help.

The doctor sighs. “Usually it doesn’t change much. Certain plants can add symptoms, like how a thorny plant would mean more internal lacerations and pain upon movement for the patient. But most of the time it just affects how we have to go about performing the surgery. Any knowledge of the anatomy of the plant, how the root system is shaped, strong and weak points, those things are helpful to us once we’re in there pulling it out.”

She continues. “Most of what the severity is determined by is the unrequited love itself and how the person affected feels about it. Namely, hope. Hanahaki is that one strange outlier where hope and how you’re feeling has much more of a tangible effect than it ever could on most physical diseases. If you think you have a chance, maybe see things that make you wonder if your love is actually reciprocated or could be soon… that can do wonders for the condition. But any doubts can have the opposite effect, quickening the onset of symptoms. Any sort of certainty that the other person won’t love you can be devastating in its effects.”

Any sort of certainty can be devastating.

Bora sucks in a breath. So that explains it then. It still seems a bit insane to her that it could move quite that quickly… but the rejection from last night did give her doubts quite a lot of certainty. 

The doctor gives Bora a lingering look, probably wanting to ask what’s been going through Bora’s mind to lead to this level of severity of her symptoms. Minji interrupts her though, getting antsy by the door and reminding her they need to move quickly to figure out what options Bora has.

They both slip out the door, leaving the couple to stare mournfully down at their sister and friend. Bora doesn’t have to look as she can feel the stares. They pour over her with amplified feelings of the room - of uncertainty, worry, and wanting to know what the fuck happened last night to set this all off. 

Well, Bora wishes she knew too, to be honest.

Handong was… different. Still the same in all the ways used to recognize her - still her same gorgeous self, same beautiful voice and sharp wit. But the way she interacted with Bora was all wrong. The Handong she grew up with - fell in love with - would’ve possibly been hurt by the time apart and the way they lost contact. But she wouldn’t have hesitated to dive right back in and pick up their friendship where they left off. 

The Handong she knows… she knows how to tease. How to push people’s buttons. But never maliciously, or without any regard for how it comes off or if it’s too much. Last night Bora wasn’t necessarily expecting Handong to just immediately accept her confession and then live happily ever after with her. But she never dreamed the younger woman would be so dismissive or cruel about not only the confession but just seeing Bora again at all.

“...Bora?” 

Her sister’s voice suddenly breaking through her thoughts makes Bora jump again. Wincing, she cradles her chest and tries to settle her heart back down again. Too sudden of movements apparently serve as a harsh reminder of the extra occupants currently pressing against the insides of her lungs.

Apologizing, Gahyeon cards a hand through Bora’s hair gently to soothe her and give her a moment to recover. A moment that’s much too short for Bora’s tastes.

“Bora, what… happened? Last night.”

“I don’t know.”

“Bora…”

“I don’t!” Bora’s voice raises a bit too high and she has to stop to let the burning sensation fade. “I was… nervous. But mostly excited to see her again. But then… everything was wrong. She was different. I didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t that.”

She glances over to see the couple both with their eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean, ‘different?’ You two were so close, that can’t have changed that much, could it?” Siyeon asks.

Bora opens her mouth to explain but can’t find the words. She doesn’t know how to explain without just downright saying ‘well she never was before but last night she was an asshole.’ Shifting uncomfortably as she thinks, however, draws her attention away to something else.

“Guys…” Bora shifts again experimentally. “I can’t feel my legs.”

Both standing up, the couple move towards the bottom of the bed. “What? At all? What about this?” Gahyeon grabs one of Bora’s feet through the sheet that’s covering her, wiggling it back and forth a bit. 

Some fear slips into Bora’s voice when she shakes her head. “Not at all.”

Siyeon turns to her girlfriend. “Is that a Hanahaki thing? I’ve never heard of numbness being common for it.”

Gahyeon shakes her head. “I don’t think so? Maybe it’s-...” She stops and instead turns back to Bora. “Is anything else feeling weird, like more numbness or tingling maybe? Maybe you’re just in an awkward position and your legs fell asleep without realizing.”

“I don’t… think so. It doesn’t really feel like that.” Bora again starts shifting around a little bit, but nothing makes her legs switch over to that pins and needles sensation that indicates they’re waking up. “No… nothing.”

A knock on the door makes them all jump… again. Bora groans at the pain the movement sparks in her chest. “You all have got to stop doing this to me.”

This time it’s Gahyeon who invites the doctor in, only it’s not Doctor Yubin that walks through the door. 

It’s Handong.

Bora immediately tenses up, apprehension flooding her system. It’s so foreign to her, to react that way to Handong of all people, someone she’s always found so much comfort in. But after how she acted the other night, Bora has no idea what to expect from her today. 

Siyeon seems to be in the same boat, also tensing up and maintaining her distance. She knew Handong, yes, but it was only shortly after her relationship with Gahyeon started that Handong took off across the ocean. Bora knows in any other circumstance she’d have welcomed the younger woman with open arms, but what context she’s picked up on about what happened to Bora seems to be enough to make her hesitant. 

Gahyeon, on the other hand, falls into old habits. Much as Bora had last night. Over a decade of a close friendship is hard to unlearn.

"Dongie!" Gahyeon calls out, the relief evident in her voice. She quickly moves to welcome her into the room, Gahyeon's arms wrapping around the Chinese woman the same way they always have. "Sorry about the vague message, I wasn't in the best state when I sent it. But I wanted to get it to you right away since I knew you'd want to be here."

It's only once silence settles over them that Gahyeon notices something wrong. She slowly pulls away, confusion lacing the way she repeats Handong's name another time.

The whole time, Handong hadn't moved. She'd allowed Gahyeon to do her thing, but only just. There’s no hint of her reciprocating the hug, returning Gahyeon's excitement at seeing each other after so long, offering reassurance that she came right away and indeed wanted to be here… nothing.

Handong stands stock still, arms at her sides, until Gahyeon lets her go and backs away.

A beat passes after Gahyeon backs up to the safety of her girlfriend behind her, and silence reigns as everyone regards each other somewhat warily.

It honestly hurts Bora even more, seeing Handong treat her sister like that. Not in a way that makes her Hanahaki flare up, but in how certain it makes her that Handong really has changed drastically. If she only treated Bora like shit, she could at least justify that as her being mad at her for the whole situation. Whatever caused her to leave, whatever feelings made Handong say too late when Bora confessed, the messed-up situation of knowing someone who used to be your friend is quite literally dying now because they love you and you don’t love them back… it’s enough to be at least understandable for her to turn cold towards Bora. 

It still really doesn’t feel like Handong, since the person that was Bora’s best friend growing up would’ve had a lot more compassion even when she was angry, but at least Bora could understand it.

But Handong brushing off Gahyeon? No. Handong’s soft spot for her sister was almost worse than Bora’s was for Handong (or for Gahyeon as well, for that matter), and that’s saying something. If the way Handong’s been acting felt off before, now it feels so wrong Bora almost wants to use the word ‘sinister,’ even if she’s not sure it’s intentional.

Bora decides to buck up and be the one to break the silence. “Dongie… why are you here?”

Handong gives her a nonplussed look before nodding towards Gahyeon. “She asked me to be.” Another beat passes as Handong’s eyes roam a bit, taking everything in. “Hanahaki, huh. So you really do love me.”

The tone with which Handong says that makes the plants inside the older woman shiver. Bora’s got a very bad feeling about how this talk is going to go. Still, she sets her jaw, determined to finish what now seems quite likely to be their last encounter… ever.

“I meant everything I said to you.”

The scoff she gets in return burns hot in her lungs. 

“Right. Well, so did I.”

Bora’s stomach twists harshly. Too late. 

She isn’t sure what to say to that, but Handong continues.

“Amazing, really. I finally, finally think I’m free of you. Of everything I tried to save myself from. I finally work up the courage to come back, feeling confident in my ability to face my old home, maybe even my old friends… and here you are. Coming along with maybe the one thing that could drag it all back again. Make me feel guilty enough to at least make an effort to tone down.”

This is toned down? Bora wants to interject with that objection but no space is left for her to do so as Handong powers on.

“I had a whole speech prepped, you know? Maybe not scripted out or anything, but I’ve thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you once I felt up to it. Once I felt healed enough to do it without pain or guilt. But no, you had to go and make everything about yourself.” 

This time Bora has to interject. “I never-”

“Shut up.” Or try to interject. Bora clams up immediately, Handong still finding ways to shock her with just how indifferent - if not downright hostile - the younger woman is to her now.

“Don’t you get it, Bora? How much I lost, how much I gave up, because of you?” Handong paces, steps falling harder than usual in her anger. The sound fills the room more than it should, almost like the weight of all the pain Handong’s felt because of her is added to each thump as her feet hit the ground. 

When Bora doesn’t respond, Handong seems to get at least some of the heated anger out through her pacing. She stops, taking a deep breath as she pinches the bridge of her nose to compose herself, and then makes full eye contact with Bora.

“You ever heard of a Royal Catchfly before?” When she doesn’t get a response, she continues on. “It’s a flower, for starters. And let me tell you… it tastes like shit.”

Bora’s stomach drops as it feels like the bed falls away underneath her. Not only would this explain Handong’s adamant declaration of Bora being too late, but also could explain why she’s been acting so differently. 

If Handong is saying what Bora thinks she is…

Seeming to catch on to what must be an expression on Bora’s face that shows some flavor of horror or terror, Handong nods with a quick quirk of her lips. She laughs once - humorless, short, and sharp.

"Catchfly plants have these cute smaller clusters of flowers, usually pink, white, or lavender. But the Royal Catchfly... the flowers spread a little bit more, still small but filling their space with bold, bright red flowers." Handong eyes Bora meaningfully, meaning that isn’t lost on the older woman. "Fitting, don't you think?"

Handongs laughs again, just as humorlessly, not allowing space for a response. “And then, just to rub everything in my face even more, the meanings. Catchfly flowers are said to represent ‘unchanging friendship.’ The red ones like the Royal Catchfly? ‘Youthful love, I fall victim.’” Another scoff. “At least the disease has a sense of humor, huh?”

A quiet moment finally arrives, and Bora can’t stop the question she wants to ask. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Handong’s expression hardens impossibly further, mocking Bora’s voice as she repeats it back to her. “Why didn’t you say anything.” She starts pacing again. “Why didn’t you-... I was scared, okay? I was in love with my best friend for God knows how long, and I was supposed to just go for it? I never wanted anything else. Just you, Bora. Friend, or more, it didn’t matter. I was scared, and you… you were perfect. And everyone loved you, why would I be any different? Especially when every time I tried to drop a hint you were so platonic about it I might’ve thought you were making fun of me if I hadn’t known better.”

“I wouldn’t-”

“I said shut up!” Handong takes a deep breath, and Bora feels as if her insides clench with it. There’s a growing feeling of nausea settling into her stomach, and she can almost sense the restlessness of the plants in her lungs. 

“It doesn’t matter now. None of it does.” Handong starts again, her voice much calmer but also colder than before. “Don’t get me wrong. I knew how much you loved me, and cared about me… but it wasn’t enough. Not for the disease. It needed more and I needed more and you didn’t have more to give so I left. I tried so hard to move on, Bora. I changed my life plans, my career, where I was trying to live… anything to make space so I could move on. But you… God, you’re you and no matter how much space I made my mind easily filled it in with more you and-...”

She pauses, shaking her head. “And soon enough it was too much. It was surgery or death. Not to mention that waiting any longer could mean the disease could take my voice - and therefore my career, everything I’d worked hard to achieve to get away from you. Can you blame me for choosing to live?”

Bora feels like she’s trapped in a wind tunnel, Handong’s words acting as the wind. It’s all she can hear, all she can focus on. They whip past her at breakneck speeds, slapping her around while she’s helpless to their assault. 

She wants to hit back, wants to do anything she can to find her footing. If Handong had it for so long, there must’ve been hope there. Some sort of lasting hope that things might work out for them. Why couldn’t she ever have just tried? Maybe Bora wouldn’t have reciprocated her feelings at the very moment Handong told her. But she’s sure that with time, once she knew, once she was given the chance...

“It affected everything, Bora. They went in to take you out of me, but so much more came with it. Poetic, I suppose, if I still cared about that sort of thing, since you’d been there so long and become so much a part of me that much of myself was wrapped around you.” A softer look comes over Handong’s face, something that used to be so normal to see but feels jarring now after all Bora’s seen from her since their reunion. 

“And God, I didn’t want to lose that, but I thought… I thought once you were gone it’d be over. But no. They pulled the flowers out - they pulled you out of me and I can still feel the hole to this day. I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you anymore. So why can you still hurt me? Why can I still feel the absence where you used to take up so much of me? How is that fucking fair?”

How is fucking fair that Handong never gave her a chance? Bora gets that she was scared, but-... 

She isn’t given a chance to finish that thought. Bora has known since Handong brought up which flower was hers what that meant. That Handong had Hanahaki for her before, and now quite literally cannot love her back because of the surgery. But to have it said to her so plainly… it really hits now.

Handong can't love her back anymore.

And the flowers in Bora’s lungs seem to know it too.

They writhe and claw at her insides, growing at a pace so fast Bora can feel it now. Almost like a triumphant dance, as if the plants themselves are telling her “see? We told you it was hopeless. Now let us free.” It’s all she can do to keep herself put together, tensing everything she can to keep the coughs down and the pain manageable. 

Gahyeon, who Bora had almost forgotten was still in the room - as the couple had spent most of the conversation staring in rapt horror at what was unfolding in front of them - is the first to notice Bora’s struggle and spring into action. “Stop! Stop it! Please!”

But Handong ignores her, steamrolling right over her to finish her rant. “And now you have the nerve to go through it too? To tell me you love me, now, when it’s far too late for me, maybe even for both of us? How much more are you going to hurt me before you can finally just leave me alone?” 

Gahyeon takes to pushing Handong back. “Stop! Don’t you see what you’re doing to her? I get you’re hurt but you’re killing her!” 

Handong finally stops, pushing Gahyeon away from her but not speaking again.

Bora figures it’s probably less because of Gahyeon’s plea, and more simply because she’s finished saying her piece.

A few tense moments pass as Bora does her best to clamp everything down. She knows the second she breaks and lets any coughs through, she won’t be able to stop. Gahyeon, eyeing Handong warily as she does, backs away and returns to Bora’s side, offering small murmurings of encouragement as she takes her hand again.

Bora can’t feel that now either.

Handong clears her throat, apparently feeling slightly awkward for the first time since Bora met with her the night before.

“I should go.”

It’s yet another stab added to the multitude of wounds Bora’s collected since that night. But she nods. It’s for the best, really. For all of them. She’s not sure how she does - probably just the force of pure willpower - but she swallows everything down enough to speak without exploding.

“I’m sorry.” 

Handong hesitates a moment longer, a bit of conflict passing over her face. Bora isn’t quite sure what it means, but figures it’s probably something to do with deciding how exactly to feel about the apology. It can’t be easy wrangling feelings like this when her brain has basically been completely rewired when it comes to her emotions.

It isn’t much, barely anything in fact, but Bora takes the tiny bit of reassurance it gives her. Maybe there is at least a little bit left of the Handong she knew. Maybe more of her comes out when not faced directly with people like Bora - the demons of her past. Maybe… even with all the changes made to her by going through everything she did… she can still be happy. 

Bora just… feels doubtful that would even be possible for herself.

“...Me too.” Handong finally says, quietly, still hesitating at the door. She keeps her gaze trained on the door, unable or unwilling to make eye contact as the walls of anger and indifference slip just a little for a brief moment. 

It surprises Bora. She wonders if it’s possibly some residual guilt borne of the last dying flickers of the love Handong once felt for her. A small shred of the beautiful friendship they used to share providing an obligation to her that even this new Handong can’t ignore.

Bora tries not to overthink it and just take it at face value. She looks at Handong one last time, taking in the expression she now wears that Bora might be able to call sympathy. Maybe even regret. Perhaps it’s all just wishful thinking, but it’s the most Handong she’s seen the woman act this entire time, so Bora doesn’t let herself question it. Instead she just holds onto it. One last bit of comfort from the woman she loves so, so desperately.

Suddenly, as if snapping out of trance, Handong pushes through the door. In the silence that engulfed them after her apology the sound of it shutting behind her feels like a gunshot, the sense of finality so present it’s almost tangible in the way it echoes around the room.

All that’s left after that is the quiet sound of Bora’s labored breathing as she continues forcing down the infestation within her. 

Anger soon boils over for Gahyeon, however.

“What the fuck? What’s wrong with her?”

“Gahyeonie… please-...”

“No!” Gahyeon cuts her sister off before Bora can even start. “Don’t say it’s okay. She can’t help it if she can’t love you but she still knows you, and that should mean something. And what about us? We were her friends too! And she can’t even stay to see if you make it through the surgery? You’re about to go through something really risky and we don’t-... we don’t know-”

“Why?” Bora interrupts. It stops Gahyeon’s rant as she doesn’t seem to know how to respond, or maybe just isn’t sure what Bora means. Bora can’t really dedicate much to figuring that out. Right now all she can think of is just how certain she is now. 

Any sort of certainty can be devastating. 

Well. It can’t get much more certain than this, can it?

“Why would she stay? Even if she wanted to, she-... she can’t-...” Bora’s throat starts to close up. The plants are still writhing within her and her willpower to hold them down is running short. 

Vaguely she notices her heart monitor starting to beat haphazardly. Not so much speeding up - though it is doing that as well - as the rhythm being all wrong. Like even her actual, physical heart is starting to panic and can’t keep its beat anymore. 

Siyeon moves to join Gahyeon at her bedside, calling out her name, begging her to calm down. It falls on deaf ears.

Her breathing picks up even more as reality completely settles in on her. Bora’s fucked. She keeps speaking as if she didn’t even hear Siyeon, unable to stop herself as she says it more to herself than anyone else. “She can’t love me back. She can’t... She can’t!” 

Siyeon slams the call button to bring in help right as Bora finally explodes with everything she’d been holding back since the revelation from her former best friend. The coughs rip through her, robbing her of most of her awareness as consciousness fades and all she’s really feeling is pain, and the rapid onset of hopelessness.

The door flies open as medical staff rush in, brushing Gahyeon and Siyeon aside for them to get to work, and Bora once again finds herself flitting in and out of consciousness.

-----

This time Bora’s a bit more aware of what’s going on around her, even if her addled mind can’t quite make sense of most of it.

She hears snippets of the nurses discussing what’s going on, what to use, how to stabilize her… a lot of it would likely fly over her head even on the best of days so today it’s as good as gibberish to her.

Sometimes she can hear Siyeon or Gahyeon’s voices, but they’re often too far away to decipher what words they’re saying. She starts hearing Doctor Yubin and Minji as well and wonders if they’re discussing what happened.

And pain. So much pain.

Slowly the coughing fades and the pain becomes a bit more manageable again as they continue to work on her and fill her with whatever drugs they’re using. But it’s clear they can only do so much for her. The growth over the past… however long she’s been like this is insane. Bora can now barely breathe, so much of the space in her lungs taken up by these parasites that it’s a wonder to her they aren’t already just growing straight up her throat and out her mouth.

The haze also lifts bit by bit. It makes Bora wonder why she wasn’t just completely sedated like before. At this point she thinks she’d welcome the brief reprieve even if she is on a short time limit. 

-----

“Bora?”

Bora fully comes around to the sound of Doctor Yubin’s voice. Opening her eyes slowly, she’s met with the doctor’s concerned expression melting into a bit of relief at seeing her fully conscious. 

“Good. Sorry we can’t let you rest, and to jump right into the heavy stuff again, but we have to move quickly and so need you to be informed as soon as possible to make your decisions.”

At Bora's small nod to go on, Yubin backs away and looks to Minji standing at the foot of the bed.

The florist sighs, but doesn't mince words once she starts. "Unfortunately… I was right. The flower is Aconite, specifically, Aconitum napellus." She pauses to see if the name gets any recognition. When it doesn't, she clarifies. "You may have heard it called Wolfsbane before." 

Gahyeon and Siyeon both let out shocked gasps, making Bora look at them in confusion. The name vaguely rings a bell (and doesn't exactly sound promising), but she can't place it. 

"You mean… the very poisonous plant that's often been used both in hunting and as an execution tool?" Siyeon asks.

Minji looks down… a beat passing before she lets out a quiet "...yes."

Now it’s Bora’s turn to be shocked. “Poison?” She gives Minji an incredulous look. It’s not that she doesn’t believe her, or think that she’d say anything like this in jest, but it’s just so unbelievably unfair in Bora’s eyes. Getting sick wasn’t enough? Choking on flowers that have overrun some of her most vital organs wasn’t enough? 

Nodding, Minji holds eye contact with Bora once she’s collected herself. “Wolfsbane… every part of the plant has toxins. Especially the roots. Some people use them as herbal remedies but only after boiling or steaming them to reduce the toxicity, and even then it’s a fine line. It doesn’t take much to have potentially fatal effects.”

“So what does that mean? ...How am I even still alive, then?”

Doctor Yubin is the one who takes over. “The honest answer is… we don’t know. There’s still a lot we don’t know about Hanahaki and how it works, since it acts so differently from other diseases. Not to mention the variety of plants… I’ve never seen a patient with this one before, or even one anywhere near as toxic.”

A sigh before she continues. “It does, however, make a few things fall into place. For one, the abnormal heart rhythms we were seeing earlier - since that is one of the effects of Aconitine, the most dangerous of the toxins produced by Wolfsbane. It would also explain the numbness. Your sister said you couldn’t feel your legs earlier?”

Bora nods, lifting up an arm slightly. “Hands too now.”

“Right.” The doctor’s expression turns grim. “It also helps to explain the speed with which the disease has worsened. It doesn’t account for the rapid growth but would certainly accelerate any other symptoms.”

“We already know why it grew so fast.”

Bora didn’t really mean to say it out loud, the statement coming out in a moment of bitterness as she thinks of all the things that have come together through this sickness to really just… utterly and completely fuck her over. She still doesn’t blame Handong, even if she can’t help but be bitter that she never bucked up the courage to confess like Bora did. But if nothing else she can appreciate the fear. How difficult it must’ve been to live for an extended period of time with the disease. The terror of rejection and how it could potentially  make everything worse in an instant if the confession didn’t go well. 

Again, she can understand. She can also still be bitter.

Regardless, now that she’s said it out loud and the doctor is looking at her curiously, Bora knows she’s stuck explaining herself. 

“The person I’m in love-... the person I caught this for. They already had it too. For me.” Bora ignores Minji’s small gasp to keep going. “A while ago, apparently. They… they got the surgery.”

Looking up, Bora is grateful to see that Yubin is holding her composure, even if it’s obvious she’s surprised by the admission. Minji doesn’t quite manage it, her hand covering her mouth and eyes a little watery. 

“That… would also explain a lot,” Yubin finally responds. 

A beat passes before Yubin takes a deep breath, slipping back into her professional speech to move discussion forward.

“All things considered, surgery is your best option for surviving this. And while I would’ve said this anyways, the new information you’ve given me only confirms it. We need your decision on whether to go through with it today."

Bora shuts her eyes, falling back into her pillow as the fight leaves her. She'd be lying if she claimed to be surprised, what with how serious her condition is, but it's still a blow now that how little time she has is made more concrete. 

"I'm sure you already have an idea why," Yubin continues, "but just to lay it all out, I'll give you the overall situation." She sighs, glancing over at Gahyeon before remaining focused on Bora. "Chances of recovery on your own are vanishingly slim. With how far it progressed in so little time, it'd take nothing short of a miracle to move on past your feelings and have the growth recede enough in time."

She pauses, flipping the page on her clipboard and taking a deep breath. Yubin seems to eye Bora almost warily, as if watching for an emotional outburst, but all the sick woman can bring herself to feel right now is defeat.

"Surgery… Surgery still has decent chances of survival. But complications are likely, and the extent of the side effects you'll live with afterwards are unknown. Any of the common ones we've seen in other patients - such as shortness of breath, personality changes, changes in the way you experience emotion, etc. - those are all a possibility as usual. But we don't know anything about what unique issues could potentially result from this specific flower, given the aggressiveness and the extra factor of its toxicity."

"Finally, as I said earlier, we need a fast decision. Ideally as soon as possible. With the speed of the growth and the constant introduction of the poison into your system, the odds that the surgery will go well are essentially in freefall. For all we know, by tomorrow it could be too late."

Too late. 

Bora’s starting to sense a theme.

But overall for a response Bora just stares at the ceiling, most of the words only barely registering. The silence stretches on for a few long moments before Yubin once again is the one to break it. 

“I’ll give you what time I can to think about it. My team is on call to start as soon as you give the word, so hit the call button once you’ve decided, otherwise I’ll be back within a few hours.”

Gahyeon interjects. “What do you mean, ‘think about it?’ Of course we want the surgery! What’s the other option, just waiting to die?”

The doctor holds her gaze, as if Yubin is preparing to get hit for what she says next.

“Basically, yes.”

“Exactly, so-”

Yubin cuts Gahyeon off with surprising force considering she doesn’t raise her volume. “Unfortunately, this is the patient’s decision. Until Bora can’t make the decisions for herself, then she must have the final word.”

All eyes turn to Bora, feeling like spotlights as they put her on the spot. She glances anxiously between every pair before landing on the doctor’s. “I’d… like some time.”

“What?” 

Her sister’s outburst almost makes Bora want to take it back and do what’s expected of her.

Almost.

Giving a small bow with a somber look for all three of them, the doctor takes her leave. Minji takes a moment longer to snap out of her state - still staring in horror with her hand over her mouth - but she shakes her head with a small sniffle and drops her hand. She gives Bora as encouraging a look as she can muster, placing her hand on her leg. It’s a welcome gesture, and Bora returns a small half-smile to the florist in thanks.

She just can’t help but be beat right back down by the reminder that she can’t feel that hand on her leg, even in the slightest. 

Minji exits as well, and Bora fights the urge to cry. Not like it would do her any good. More than likely it would just flare everything up all over again and she’d hack her way to unconsciousness for the third time today.

It’s once the door closes and quiet returns to the room that Gahyeon snaps.

“What the fuck do you need time to think about?”

Bora winces. The thought's been on her mind since she made the connection between the surgery and the ways Handong's personality had changed, but this is the part she's been dreading the most. She falters, her voice dipping to an even quieter level. "What if I don't want it?"

Bora can almost feel the anger building in Gahyeon even before she speaks again, like a ripple through the room. “Why? Why? So that’s it? Just like that, you want to give up? To just die rather than even try?”

“Gahyeon…” Siyeon tries to slow her down a bit, but the younger woman isn’t having any of it.

“No!” She shrugs off her girlfriend, moving closer and pointing accusingly at Bora while still addressing Siyeon. “This idiot wants to give up and you want me to calm down?”

“She didn’t, she just wanted a moment to think. A lot’s happened today-”

“Right, because there’s so much time to waste thinking about whether to fucking die or not. You heard the doctor! We don’t have time to sit around being sad that the surgery will be risky! Every moment we waste it gets even riskier!”

The fight between the couple fades to the background as they keep going at it. Bora catches some things - some rude names for her, Gahyeon calling her selfish, Siyeon getting called an idiot for even entertaining Bora’s desire to wait, and so on. Instead of focusing on it Bora loses herself in her own thoughts. 

It just kinda hits her when she does that. That… so this is how disease is in real life, huh? 

It’s bitter. It’s unfair. It’s tragically random, with no desire to fill a satisfying plot arc or reach a beautiful happy ever after. It’s people overwhelmed by confusion and anger, full of desperation. It’s turning on each other because where else can they turn when faced with something completely out of their control?

Instead of everything falling into place, the main protagonists fulfilling their character growth just in time to beat the bad guy and save the world… it’s loved ones wasting away their final moments together arguing and lashing out at each other because there’s nothing else to lash out at.

So much for the emotional coming-together moments. The bittersweet but still beautiful reconciliations brought about in the face of tragedy or potential tragedy that brings everything into perspective. So much for the power of love and true love’s kiss.

Bora scoffs out loud at that one. Not even with the one and only disease that actually can be cured by that, could she get her happy ending. Bora wonders if twenty years is too late to get a refund from her childhood movies for all the high expectations they gave her.

She doesn’t want this. Any of this. But this is the hand she - they - have been dealt. If these do indeed end up being her final moments whether she tries the surgery or not, she at least wants to be on good terms with her family. Harsh words dealt out of frustration and anger aren’t what Bora wants to be her send off.

“I don’t want to die.”

Bora says it quietly, but it’s enough to grab the couple’s attention and halt their fight. 

“Then why-”

“I don’t want to die,” Bora continues, cutting off Gahyeon’s question. “But if I will die either way… I don’t want someone else to take my place.”

If nothing else, Bora’s words seem to confuse Gahyeon enough to get her to calm down a bit. Her words still come out a bit harsher than normal, but without the same bite as earlier. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Bora finally lifts her gaze to take in the couple. She sees the way both already have tears forming, likely a combination of the anger and hopelessness of their argument.

“You saw what it did to Dongie, Gahyeon. I saw the way she treated even you, someone she had nothing but adoration for. She was never afraid to call me out on my bullshit but my little sister? You could do no wrong in her eyes.” Bora smiles fondly, despite her words.. “It used to drive me nuts when we were younger. I swear Dongie was even worse than Mom used to be when it came to throwing me under the bus but babying you.”

The smile fades. “Do you really want that to happen to me? They said the plants grew especially fast… it’s already all over. And with the poison too… They have no idea what kind of long term effects I might have physically, even if everything goes right. And the effects Dongie had… Gahyeon, what if I can’t ever love again? What if… what if i don’t even love you anymore? I can’t… I couldn’t… I don’t want that for me, or for you or Siyeon or anyone.”  

Gahyeon glares at the floor, the tears in her eyes welling up. “But if you don’t even try… you can’t love us from the grave, either. What you’re saying is you’d rather take the sure bet of leaving forever than the small chance you’d get to stay.”

“Gahyeon it’s not that I want to… I want to stay here with you and everyone else. But at what cost is it still worth it? It might not even be me here with you anymore.”

Neither of them respond to that one, and Bora feels her desperation growing to be understood. She doesn’t know what the right choice is. What she wants is for everything to go back to how it was a few days ago, before she decided to meet up with her old friend finally back in town after years. Even better, to go back to before a month or two ago when she fully came to terms with her feelings that had been brewing unexamined under the surface for so long.

All she knows is that she’s absolutely fucking terrified for how things could turn out.

Bora turns to Siyeon, someone who’s always surprised her with how well they’ve gotten along right from the get-go. She’d been worried when Gahyeon first introduced them - the last thing Bora wanted was to hate someone so important to her sister - but they’d just clicked right away as fast friends and never looked back since (much to everyone’s relief). 

“Sing, you get it, right? You don’t have to agree but you at least understand why I’m scared, right?”

“I-...” Siyeon balks, suddenly put on the spot and glancing between the sisters both looking at her expectantly. The teary face of her girlfriend and the pleading look Bora’s likely sporting can’t be making it easy for Siyeon to know what the right thing to say is.

“I can’t say I don’t understand why you need time to think.” Siyeon finally admits, wincing a bit at the way Gahyeon’s look turns incredulous at the betrayal. She’s quick to add amends. “But I also can’t lie and say I’d be okay with either option. I get you’re scared, and I understand why, but… I don’t want to let you go either.”

Bora nods once, grateful to her friend for giving her at least that. It’s more than she expected, to be honest. She doesn’t blame either of them for not considering the option that Bora is. If the roles were reversed… Bora isn’t sure she wouldn’t be even more enraged than Gahyeon is.

Gahyeon returns to the chair by Bora’s bedside.

“Bora… please. I know it’s scary and we don’t know what could happen but… but I can’t… I can’t lose you, Bora.”

Bora’s eyes start to sting. Her response is quiet.

“But I can’t lose me either.”

A sob breaks through Gahyeon’s tenuous hold on her composure, and it’s the last straw for Bora too. Her sister’s head falls to the hospital bed, laying on Bora’s stomach as she hugs her as tightly as she dares and lets the tears fall. Bora hugs her back, wanting to reassure her but unable to even reassure herself.

Maybe Gahyeon is right. Maybe it’s worth it to try, regardless of how much the surgery could change her. Bora certainly doesn’t want to leave Gahyeon - or the rest of her life for that matter - behind. 

But losing parts of herself she loves the most, things she’s proud of… How much and how hard she loves, her sense of humor, her energy and ability to pick people up when they’re feeling down… She doesn’t want to take that risk. If she were to wake up from her surgery and treat her sister the way Handong treated her, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. But the most terrifying part is that if she were changed enough to even be capable of acting like that… she wouldn’t care anymore either. That new Bora would just continue living her life, this life, that this Bora worked so hard to cultivate, without any regrets about tearing everything apart.

Of course, isn’t giving up completely not also just a different and more surefire way to tear it all apart? Can just… deciding to let the disease take her really be considered saving this life she’s lived so far from destruction? However slim the chance may be… and even if it is much slimmer than the chance that she would change drastically if she happens to survive the surgery… there is still a chance she can make it through as herself, right? That she can come out the other side still being someone she would be proud to be?

But if the choice really did end up being to leave her loved ones for good, but with the memory of who she is now… or to spend the rest of her life overwriting those memories with ones of a new, callous, indifferent, cold Bora… 

Is she so wrong for wanting to spare Gahyeon a lifetime of living with an imposter where her beloved sister used to be? To spare herself from becoming that person? Maybe, maybe not. But it does feel wrong to give up without trying. Bora’s never been a quitter. The only thing is… not being a quitter is different from knowing when it’s time to withdraw.

The problem is that for this, she has no fucking clue.

And now she only has hours at most to make this impossible decision.

Unable to do much else, she just holds her sister tighter. Wanting to convey as much love as she can in what might be her last hours with her. 

And for only the second time since Bora accepted her feelings for Handong, and for the last time she ever will while fighting the flowers that bloomed within her because of it...

Bora cries.