Sudongtober 2020

"We've been over this." Handong says, doing her best to maintain her civil tone. "Guys, I can't-... I've already told you why you can't expect me to act the same as before."

Bora huffs, a little bit of her frustration showing through. It might've frustrated Handong in return - what right does Bora have to be irritated at her when they're the ones that keep dragging Handong back into this awkward situation - but she just doesn't have the energy. 

More than anything, Handong's tired. Tired of skirting around the edge of this new dynamic between her friends. Tired of not being allowed to move on. Tired of the pain she can't escape from every time she sees her friends, or even thinks about them and the way she's been left behind.

Bora stands up, abruptly drawing Handong's attention back into sharper focus. Determination slips over the shorter woman's features. It's a look Handong knows well. One that means Bora's made up her mind and is no longer even capable of changing it or backing down.

"Bora…" Handong starts, the apprehension and warning clear in her tone.

"No." Bora steamrolls right over it, continuing her approach and standing over Handong where she's sitting on the chair. "You're not understanding us. It's fine if you don't want what we want, and we'd never even dream of forcing you to… but I need you to at least hear us out first."

Handong takes in a harsh deep breath, both to quash down the anger building in her chest, but also to force composure onto her expression. She really, really doesn't want to cry about this in front of them.

"I don't see what more there is to hear out. You two keep wanting things to be the same. You want the friendship we grew up with, but things aren't the same anymore and we can't act like they are. I know that, and you both do too."

Bora's eyes flash and she tilts her head, rolling her neck in that way that tells Handong she too is holding herself back from getting mad. It might've been enough to make Handong snap at her if not for Yoohyeon materializing in front of her as well. The taller woman sidles up to Bora, laying a gentle hand on her waist, instantly calming the air between both of them. 

The calm doesn't stop the sharp pang in Handong's heart at the sight of the casual intimacy between them, however. It's that same conflicting rush of feelings she keeps getting whenever she bears witness to her friends' budding relationship. The elation she feels at seeing her friends happy together, and the melancholy that envelops her own state of mind - the longing for something that she just can't place.

It doesn't escape her notice either, the way they've both been speaking as a unit this whole conversation. Somewhere along the line, 'we' became Bora and Yoohyeon. 'Us' no longer included Handong and each time she hears it used like that is a fresh wound added to the growing collection on her heart.

Because that's what it always had been. The three of them, that is. Inseparable as kids who all lived on the same block and grew up together. Not even the call of different schools and career paths had been able to disrupt that. 'We' always meant Bora, Handong, and Yoohyeon - no matter where their lives had taken them as they got older.

That is, until a couple months ago. When the simmering roughness of Bora and Yoohyeon's dynamic had finally boiled over into the passion underlying it.

It hardly surprised Handong when they told her. Their dynamic had always been the most fiery among the three of them. The duo constantly straddled the jagged line between mortal enemies and best of friends, Handong serving as the middling presence, there to smooth the rough edges and glue them all together.

She supposed it made sense that once the other two were finally pushed over the edge, their eagerness to bicker and push each other's buttons falling over that line and into more… carnal urges, that the natural progression would be this. A relationship between the two of them.

And Handong was - is - happy for them. She swears it. They're cute and already in love and they're still her friends and she's happy for them. 

It just… hurts. The worst part being that she can't place exactly why.

Is she jealous? Maybe them getting together made her realize how long it's been since she's even had a crush on someone. But no, jealous just doesn't fit, not when there is that genuine joy there.

Does she miss the easy dynamic of their friendship? Well, yes, but it doesn't explain just how deep the pain and the longing runs. Nor why the times she's allowed them to pull her along as a third wheel hurt just as badly as the times she's declined and stayed home for the sake of her own sanity, no matter how good they are about including her when they do go out together.

If she really is happy for her friends, why does she feel so, so bad?

Handong sighs. She's agonized over all of this over and over again for the last couple months, ever since the other two told her they'd slept together, starting an official relationship shortly after. No answers have come to her so far so she sincerely doubts any could come of tonight's conversation. Emotions running as high as they are, Handong just hopes to make it out unscathed.

Really, what more is there for her to 'hear out?' How could they possibly want to twist the knife deeper?

Handong opens her mouth to tell them off, again, but this time Yoohyeon is faster.

"Dongie, please. Just give us this chance to fully explain ourselves, and we'll accept whatever decision you make from there."

Handong makes the fatal mistake of looking at Yoohyeon after she says that, putting herself on the receiving end of the taller woman's notorious puppy dog eyes. Her resolve crumbles instantly even if her apprehension does not. Even if she can't quite keep all of the bitterness out of her response.

"Right, fine. Tell me one more time how you want me to third wheel for you."

"That's not..!" Bora's outburst is cut short by a subtle warning from her girlfriend that Handong catches. A quick look and a squeeze from the arm around the shorter woman's waist are enough for her to reign it back in, returning to a calmer speaking voice. "That's not what we're saying."

Yoohyeon looks pensive, mulling over Bora's words and how to continue for a few moments. When she takes over, it's with a soft voice.

"Well, at least not in the negative way."

Handong raises an eyebrow, not impressed. Is Yoohyeon really trying to imply they want her to third wheel their relationship… but in a positive way?

Yoohyeon's quick to start damage control, charging onwards with her point before Handong can voice her skeptical reaction.

"Sorry, what I mean… When people say they're third wheeling, it's bad because they mean it as in they're the unnecessary wheel, right? That the two are just fine on their own and the third is tacked on afterwards. But that's not the case here, because we think the third wheel is necessary, more like a tricycle. Like, you wouldn't get very far without all three wheels on a trike, right? So that's what we want here, um… because it's just not the same, without-…"

Yoohyeon trails off, embarrassed that she's fallen into her habit of rambling and waxing metaphorical when she's nervous.

The fact that Handong's face had steadily soured more and more as the younger women went on probably hadn't helped either. She's not alone in that reaction though. The Chinese woman hadn't noticed it during Yoohyeon's monologue, but at some point Bora had facepalmed, hand still in that position now in the awkward silence that fell.

Unable to take it any longer, Bora's hand falls from her face and she goes for her signature blunt approach.

"We want to date you too, Dongie."

Handong's jaw drops. "What?"

Bora's voice rises a bit, but not with anger. If anything, the extra volume sounds like desperation. Like Bora is digging for every bit of sincerity she can find, putting it out there with nothing but hope that this will work, and Handong will be there to catch it all.

"When we got together, it felt right. Like things finally started to make sense and fall into place. But something was missing. Is missing. And that's you."

It still doesn't sink in, some combination of sounding too good to be true and the meaning not registering yet making Handong stutter. "I-... I don't think I understand-..."

"Dongie… we want you. Need you, if that's okay for me to say. We weren't ever meant to be a couple, because it's not the same without all three of us. We were meant to be a triad, or throuple… or whatever the fuck you wanna call it."

Oh. 

On the outside, Handong lets out a small, if nervous, chuckle at Bora's last line. It's so her to tack that on to the end of a confession, as a low effort attempt to climb her way out of all the serious feelings talk.

But on the inside?

Handong's brain short circuits as it tries to process everything all at once. Everything, because it just clicks. She can't believe she never thought of this as an option.

Because it makes all of it make sense.

Why she felt so happy for them, but so left out. Why she longed for more even as they did their best to still include her in their lives. 

Why now, as this new option registers in her mind as a possibility, something snaps within her. An inhibition, maybe. Since in the wake of it breaking there's a sudden and fierce wave of desire and hoping and longing that completely washes over her and any doubts she might've had.

Bora seems to know what Handong’s thinking, or maybe it just shows that plainly on her face. Either way, she takes the cue and moves even closer. 

“You feel it too, don’t you?"

Staring at the perfect curve of Bora's lips, Handong can't be anything but honest. More honest, in fact, than she's even been with herself lately. But words are hard at the moment, so she has to settle for a nod.

Yes, she feels it. Yes, she wants this. Powerful, sudden, and all at once, she discovers and accepts it. Oh, does she want this. 

Softly, with the caution Bora reserves only for the situations where she thinks it’s absolutely necessary, she sets herself down on Handong’s lap. She places her hands on the Chinese woman’s shoulders, ever so slowly inching herself closer. When she’s so close they can feel each other’s shallow breaths across their lips, she stops one last time.

“Is this okay?”

Handong’s eyes still haven’t left the shorter woman’s lips.

“Yes.”

And then she’s kissing her, and Handong wonders if this is what Bora meant when she said everything just felt right. It’s something she hadn’t consciously thought to want until today, but now she hasn’t a clue how she’s gone so long without it. 

Kissing Bora is everything fire. The rough, burning, and all-consuming passion that’s always felt like too much for that small body to handle, yet that Bora carries with her in everything she does. But it’s also the warm comfort of home, of settling in by the fireplace and knowing no matter how bad the day was that everything will be okay. 

When they separate, Handong has to close her eyes and take deep breaths just so she doesn’t feel like she’s about to burn away into ash. Bora connects their foreheads gently, and Handong can feel the grin she’s sporting just in the way she exhales sharply in an almost-laugh. She’s ready for the shorter woman’s antics - likely along the lines of a tease (“that good, huh?”), but Yoohyeon’s cute little whine interrupts anything she might have planned.

“Is it my turn yet?”

Handong lifts her head and lets out a laugh at the pout on the tallest woman’s face. Bora, on the other hand, chooses playfully indignant as her response.

“Hey, I did all the talking.”

Yoohyeon’s pout turns grumpy as she protests and crosses her arms. “And so you went first, that doesn’t mean you get to hog her!”

Handong’s smile only grows. Just like old times, she thinks. The specifics of their situation now, the new dynamics of their relationship - those may be new. But this, these two women Handong has known and adored her whole life? Not new at all. This, she knows exactly how to handle. It’s the mediator role she’s played her entire life.

Smirking, she cuts off Bora’s response by turning her head back and planting a chaste kiss on her lips. It makes Bora pause (with that goofy grin Handong loves so so much) long enough for her to reach out over the shorter woman’s shoulder and beckon Yoohyeon closer. When Bora tries to steal another kiss, Handong gently pulls her away with a grip on the back of her shirt. It gets a whine out of the oldest and a smug smile from the youngest, but Handong’s quick to wipe that away. She takes a hold of Yoohyeon’s collar, pulling her down for her own kiss right over Bora’s shoulder.

Kissing Yoohyeon is very different, but just as right as kissing Bora. It’s gentler, softer, almost airy. Like a cool breeze on a warm day. It’s comforting like a sweet caress of Handong’s entire body. But even so it carries a promise underneath it, of more that can be unleashed. The way a gentle breeze can give way at any moment to fierce and swirling winds, she senses that same energy in Yoohyeon’s kiss - tame until proven otherwise.

And if Bora wanted to attempt any play at envy, or pretending to feel left out, she abandons it right away. Handong can feel it in the way her hands tighten their grips on her arms. The way her forehead falls to Handong’s shoulder, a small sound dangerously close to a whimper leaving her lips in the process. And the way the shorter woman’s strong thighs tighten ever so slightly, pressing in on either side of Handong’s lap.

Handong doesn’t blame her though. It was her intention, after all. And it payed off immediately - all of those reactions from Bora firing off the instant her lips had connected with Yoohyeon’s, the soft sounds of their makeout all happening directly next to Bora’s ear. 

When they pull away though is when Handong takes stock, and everything catches up to her. She notes the way Yoohyeon had cupped her cheek with one hand during their kiss, but that the other had roughly tangled itself in Bora’s hair. The way Bora’s thighs haven’t relaxed around her. And most of all, the blown out pupils of both of the women in front of her, right before they both lean forward to start back up again.

It’s too much, too fast. And entirely irresistible, Handong knows, if she doesn’t stop right now. Before her thoughts are scorched and blown away by the two forces of nature about to consume her.

“Wait.” She says, placing hands on both of their lips to hold them in place. Panic immediately seeps into their eyes and Handong has to restrain herself from yelling in her haste to reassure them.

“No, it’s okay, that was okay. I want this, I want you.” 

They settle, Bora sitting up and back, and Yoohyeon kneeling next to the chair to listen attentively. 

“I just want to… be together again, first. So much has happened the last couple months and now tonight and I-... tonight I just want to exist together, if that’s okay? Let this all sink in and feel real.”

Their agreement is quick and abundant, both assuring her that it’s not only okay but probably for the best. A suggestion is made that they cuddle puddle for the night, and the two disappear into Bora’s bedroom to fetch pajamas for Handong and change into their own before Handong can even begin to question where they intend to fit all three of them.

They come back holding hands to lead Handong into the bedroom, and she barks out a laugh the moment she enters.

“You already bought a king size bed? Before you even asked me?” Handong asks, amused. Leave it to Bora to be so sure of what she wants she doesn’t even consider the chance of it not going her way.

“What,” she says, voice full of faux-innocence, “you’ve both always preferred my apartment, so it just made sense for me to get the big bed. Besides...” she lets go of Yoohyeon’s hand to give her a quick peck before approaching Handong. 

“I told you,” she plants a gentle kiss on Handong’s lips, “we were meant to be.” 

-----

“I missed this,” Bora says as she curls up tighter, bringing Handong impossibly closer to her in her koala-like grip. Yoohyeon presses even closer next to her as well, easily draping a long arm over both of them. Really, Handong should feel smothered, claustrophobic even with how packed together they are. But in this case all she can feel is comfort. That sense of rightness she’s always felt when the three of them are together, but never fully noticed until it was gone.

“What, getting the chance to suffocate me?” Handong asks, feeling the need to joke even though she knows exactly what Bora’s getting at. Even though she feels exactly the same way. She’s so overwhelmed with relief and everything else it’s almost too much, to the point she tries to lighten the mood just so she can breathe. 

Yoohyeon’s not having it though. “This,” she says, simply. The taller girl noses into the back of Handong’s head a bit, and Handong braces herself, not sure if she’ll be able to hold it together through what she says next. “The three of us, together.” 

Her words sit in the air around them for a bit, taking their time to settle in. Handong gasps slightly when she first says them, unable to help it, or to hide the emotion lying within her throat and threatening to escape. But as the silence continues she thinks she’s got herself under control. Bora’s shirt, bunched up in the tight grip of her hand, keeps her grounded. But just as her eyes clear and she thinks she’ll be able to stay composed, Bora’s voice breaks through that with a hum.

“Together. Where we belong.”

And that’s when the dam breaks. All the pent up emotion falls out in one burst, the tears fully forming and her body shaking slightly in their hold. It’s just too much. Handong had been so worried as they’d pulled away from each other for the past couple months. So scared… terrified that she’d lost the best thing she’d ever had with the two most important people in her life. 

Being back in their arms, their dynamic not only repaired but completely rebuilt into something new, something even better… Handong didn’t know until now it was even possible to feel this much relief at once. 

The 'us' and the 'we' isn't just between Bora and Yoohyeon anymore. It refers to the three of them once more, like it always had before and always should from now on. It feels like everything has finally clicked into place and all Handong can do in this moment is let all the emotion that makes her feel pour out of her and into the hands of the two people with her. The only two people she knows she can trust to catch all that raw emotion and hold her together.

Bora and Yoohyeon notice her outburst right away, immediately doting on her with sweet nothings and reassurances. She lets them, their care and their love washing over her with so much power she has to tell them. 

“I love you,” she chokes out. The words wash over them almost visibly, shown in the way they first react with surprise at the suddenness, but quickly it’s replaced with fondness. They all trade soft ‘I love you’s’ back and forth as they wipe away her tears, only stopping once emotions have settled once again back into the soft warmth of earlier. 

As they return to their positions, snuggled back up to Handong, all her tired mind can think of is one thing. Bora and Yoohyeon are completely right. 

This is where they belong. Together.