Inner Turmoil
The next week arrives and Kara’s inner turmoil isn’t any better than the week prior. She has been debating back and forth with herself as to whether to tell Lena how she feels or not. On the one hand Kara thinks if she does tell Lena, Lena may feel the same way, and then Kara can get everything she ever dares to hope for. She could be with Lena as her girlfriend. They could wake up in bed together and just cuddle, telling each other how they feel about each other, with it being driven by their emotions, not some sexual lust. But on the other hand Kara thinks that she could tell Lena and Lena could tell her she doesn’t feel the same, and if she even remembers what she said back to Kara in Vegas, she may say that it was a drunken mistake. Kara isn’t sure she would be able to take that response from Lena, and that’s the least horrible one. The worse possible response from Lena would be for her to laugh at Kara and tell her she is stupid for falling in love with her, as they are just fuck buddies, nothing else. Then in response Lena could just stop being friends with Kara, simply because she can’t deal with the fact Kara has feelings for her, or nor can Kara. That situation is probably one that Kara can’t even live with. She thinks it would actually kill her. So of course Kara has been having a terrible time deciding what to do.
As the week has progressed Kara has purposely been avoiding Lena. After their first computer science class of the week together Lena tried to talk to Kara after class, just some casual conversation, but Kara knows that casual conversations between the two can easily take a turn. So Kara just quickly excused herself from Lena’s presence and made up the lie that she was in a crunch for some work she was doing for university.
The next time Kara avoids Lena is when she is invited over to dinner along with Alex, to Sam and Lena’s house. The invite came Tuesday morning, for that evening, and Kara accepted. Kara’s plan was that she would be sneaky and just cancel last minute so the group didn’t think Kara didn’t want to go all along, although Alex and Sam would probably be very suspicious. When the time for the dinner came around, about half an hour before she was supposed to leave Kara just texted Sam telling her that she couldn’t make it because she was just too exhausted from a long days work, and was gonna just get an early night. Sam replied just telling Kara to get a good sleep, which Kara felt fine about. But then a few minutes after Sam’s text she got one from Lena asking if she wanted her to come over to snuggle with her to sleep. Kara wasn’t sure if Lena was joking or not so she just left the text unread by not looking at it in the texting app, just seeing the notification on her phone. That way Kara hoped that Lena would think that Kara didn’t see the text and just fell asleep, and then when she would see it in the morning she wouldn’t need to reply.
The third time Kara avoided Lena was for the debate teams meeting on the Wednesday. Kara was due to lead the meeting with Lena, but to avoid being in Lena’s presence Kara just sent Lena a text making up a lie that she was unwell. Lena only gave Kara a one word reply that time. At this point Kara was pretty sure that Lena might be getting a bit suspicious. None the less Kara didn’t care as she wanted to keep this up for as long as possible so she wouldn’t have to deal with her emotions.
It is now Thursday and Kara is due to attend a computer science class with Winn and Lena. Kara is trying to think of a way to get out of it, but she thinks she might have used up all her excuses. Then at the same time after the debate team meeting, the previous day, Nia sent Kara a text saying that Lena was pretty pissed off throughout the meeting. Kara thinks that it was probably because she didn’t attend. Kara decides to go to computer science class. Her thinking is that at least Winn will be there, so they won’t be alone together for Lena to begin talking to Kara exclusively, or try anything sexual for that matter. Not that that has stopped either one of them before.
Kara arrives at her computer science class and takes a seat next to Winn as usual. About 2 minutes after Kara arrives Lena appears and sits next to Kara. As Kara sees Lena for the first time in a few days her heart begins to beat out of her chest. She is reminded just how much she is in love with this women before her. She of course loves how she looks, her beauty is simply stunning. But most importantly to Kara, Kara loves how Lena makes her feel. She feels giggly and bubbly inside when she’s with Lena, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. A feeling that Kara knows, much like a drug, she could get incredibly addicted to, and even perhaps lost in.
As the lecture goes on Kara’s heart continues to beat even faster as she gets a whiff of Lena’s perfume for the first time since she sat down. In response to this Kara begins to realise that coming to this lecture may have been a very very bad idea. Kara knows if she’s not careful things will go very badly for her. Kara tries to focus but ultimately she’s just lost in her thoughts of Lena. She feels her heart going crazy. It even does a little flutter whenever she looks over at Lena, out of the corner of her eye. Eventually Kara thinks that it is too much and tries to think of ways that she can excuse herself from the lecture. She thinks of pretending that there is a family emergency and that she needs to go, but Kara knows that Lena would easily find out that’s not the case. Kara thinks of pretending she is unwell and has to make a run for the bathroom, but she realises that that is far too embarrassing, and she may die from that embarrassment. Not to mention that Lena may try and run after her to take care of her. Kara even then thinks of faking having a heart attack, but obviously that is incredibly stupid and ridiculous. So Kara has to just suffer in silence, just for the remaining 30 minutes of the lecture.
The next 30 minutes go by far too slowly for Kara’s liking, it feels like 30 hours, not 30 minutes. Kara is constantly checking the time on her phone, no longer even bothering to write down any notes in the class. Eventually the lecture ends and Kara feels some relief. But then she realises now she has to excuse herself without having a conversation with Lena. Kara takes a deep breath and packs her things away. She then stands up.
“Excuse me.” Kara says to Lena as she tries to walk passed her.
Lena looks up at Kara.
“Where are you going?” Lena asks in an emotionless voice.
“I uhmm..... to study?” Kara lies, poorly.
“You don’t sound very convincing about that.” Lena replies with a frown.
“Uhhhhh.” Kara begins, trying to think of what she wants to say next.
“I know you are avoiding me.” Lena interrupts. “What I don’t know is, why?”
“No. No. I’m not avoiding you.” Kara lies, “I’ve just been busy. You know how end of term stuff can be.
“Hmmm. If that’s the case, then prove it by coming home with me. Sam and Alex have gone out for the day.” Lena says, challenging Kara to try and make up another poor excuse so she can call her out.
Kara’s panic begins to boil over, she thinks she may pass out. She knows that if she goes home with Lena she will end up having sex with her, and if that happens it will be the first time they’ve had sex when Kara has knowingly known about her feelings for Lena. Kara really doesn’t think she can deal with that prospect. She is pretty sure she’ll break down and burst and admit everything to Lena. Then the result of this Kara is pretty sure will be simply horrific. But on the other hand Kara can’t think of a decent excuse not to go home with Lena. Kara realises that Lena is obviously very suspicious of her, and Kara doesn’t want to make Lena even more suspicious and angry with her. Lena being angry at Kara might be even worse than Kara just having to hide her emotions for one afternoon with Lena. So Kara ultimately knows what she has to do.
“Uhhh..... sure..... okay....” Kara nods with a forced smile.
For the first time in response, Lena smiles up at Kara.
“Good.” Lena smiles and then turns to look at Winn, “We’ll see you later Winn.”
“Bye guys.” Winn waves as Kara and Lena both make their way out of their seats and head out of the lecture theatre.
As soon as the front door closes after Kara and Lena arrive at Lena and Sam’s home Lena’s lips are on Kara's. Kara is stunned at first, not having prepared herself for this yet. She feels her heart beating so fast and her emotional turmoil bubble up inside her. But at the same time Kara just feels so happy and lost in affection for Lena as she kisses her back. She feels so much love for Lena, so she just gets lost in this feeling and pushes the others to the side.
Kara kisses Lena back eagerly, running her hands down Lena’s clothed body.
“Hmm, I’ve missed this.” Lena hums between kisses.
“Hmm yeah.” Kara replies, staying focused on the task at hand.
Kara and Lena continue to kiss as they make their way upstairs to Lena’s bedroom. As soon as they enter they quickly both begin removing clothes from each other until they are each completely naked. Once this happens Lena shoves Kara down on the bed and then jumps on top of her, kissing up and down Kara’s naked body. As Lena does this Kara looks down at Lena and thinks once more of how much she loves this woman who is doing this to her. She has to focus really hard to stop herself from crying. Eventually Kara is able to forget those thoughts when Lena makes her begin to moan.
Over the next 20 minutes Kara and Lena pleasure one another. Once they are finished they are both sitting in bed, catching their breaths. As they are doing this Kara looks over at Lena once more and she feels the words on the tip of her tongue, she knows they are about to spill out. Her emotions are overwhelming her. She knows she’s going to say it, she has to do something.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” Kara says quickly as she gets up.
Lena looks over at Kara and grins.
“Okay, don’t be long. I want round two when you get back.” Lena replies.
Upon Lena mentioning another round of sex Kara feels herself begin to break down so she quickly makes her way into Lena’s bathroom and closes the door behind her. Kara turns on the tap so that Lena won’t be able to hear her and then she breaks down crying. She cries as quietly as she possibly can. She lets out all her emotions and how everything is too overwhelming right now. She just had meaningful sex with someone she is in love with for the first time ever. The only problem is, Kara is pretty sure it is only meaningful on her part.
Eventually a few minutes go by and Kara knows she has to pull herself together as Lena will get suspicious. Kara stops herself from crying and splashes water on her face. She then looks at herself in the bathroom mirror and focuses on her breathing again. Taking a few deep breaths.
“You can do this Kara.” Kara says to herself quietly.
Kara then exits the bathroom and notices Lena looking over at her with a big grin.
“Come here.” Lena gestures with her finger, grinning widely.
Kara gulps and walks over to Lena. As soon as Kara gets to Lena’s side Lena grabs one of her arms and pulls her down onto the bed. Lena then rolls over to be on top of Kara and takes her in for another passionate kiss. Kara just lets her feelings of love overwhelm her, and she tries to forget once more about the turmoil as a result of these feelings.
Kara and Lena spend another 15 minutes having sex with each other, making each other scream and moan. Kara loves it. She loves how Lena can make her feel. No one has ever been able to make her feel this way. It’s more than just sexual pleasure. It’s something more. Something special. Once they are done the two women are sitting in the bed again, catching their breaths. Kara looks over at Lena and is overwhelmed. This time it’s too much and she can’t hold back.
“Go on a date with me.” Kara lets slip out, glad that she just didn’t burst out and say what her brain is really saying ‘Lena, I’m utterly and hopelessly in love with you. I love you so much. Will you go on a date with me and be my girlfriend. Then eventually we can get married and spend the rest of our lives together?’ . Yeah, Kara’s glad she didn’t say that.
Lena flinches as a result of Kara’s words and then looks over at Kara with a certain look on her face. Kara takes this as a very very bad sign. She feels her heart literally tear in two. She wants to curl up inside herself.
“Kara.... I.....” Lena begins and then takes a deep breath. “Look, I don’t date people. I enjoy spending time with you and everything Kara. But this is just about sex, nothing more. You’re just a.... good fuck.”
Once Lena says those words Kara feels her heart, which is already split in two, shatter into pieces. She no longer has a heart. She can no longer breathe or function, and maybe that would be a good thing. Unfortunately Kara can still physically function, just not emotionally.
“I hope that’s okay.” Lena adds.
Kara looks at Lena and begins to feel herself panic. She knows she has to say something and get out of there without making Lena suspicious or anything.
“Yeah.. it’s fine..... it was just an idea..... it doesn’t matter....” Kara lies.
“Okay.... if you’re sure....?” Lena asks, concerned.
“Yep..... I’m sure.....” Kara says as she gets up out of the bed and begins to put on her clothes. “Anyway..... I should go..... I do have studying to do...... need to submit my journalism final tomorrow......”
“Oh.... okay..... but you’re sure you’re okay. You sure we’re good?” Lena asks once more.
“Yes... we’re fine. This was..... fun...” Kara says with a nod as she finishes putting her clothes on. “I’ll see you soon.”
Kara then quickly walks out Lena’s bedroom with the best fake smile on her face that she’s ever done.
“Bye.” Lena smiles back.
Kara just focuses on holding back her emotions. She knows she can’t let them go right here. So Kara quickly leaves the house and then begins the few mile walk back to her house that she shares with Winn and James. Throughout the walk Kara just focuses on closing off all her emotions from herself. She knows if she lets herself feel them while she is walking back home she will probably just collapse into a ball on the pavement.
Kara soon gets back home, having basically sped walked the whole way back. She then runs up the stairs to her room and shuts the door behind her. As soon as Kara shuts the door behind her her emotions catch up with her and she breaks down. She begins crying, and this time it’s not quiet or anything controllable. This time it is loud and devastating. Kara’s heart hurts too much. She wants to pull it from her chest so she doesn’t feel this way. The way she feels because she’s just a ‘good fuck’ to Lena, nothing more. The person that Kara is in love with, and Kara thinks might be the love of her life, doesn’t love her back. It’s horrifying and far too overwhelming.
Kara cries and cries, glad that Winn and James are not home. But she wouldn’t be able to process that thought until much later. For now all she can focus and feel is how devastated and destroyed she is. So she just cries and cries some more. Kara continues to cry for hours and hours until it finally stops. It doesn’t stop because Kara has finally got her emotions under control. It stops because from all of the crying Kara has tired herself out and just fallen asleep on her bed. Kara didn’t even have anything to eat for dinner, simply forgetting about food, which just proves how destroyed Kara is.