Little Boxes
Over the weekend, after Kara found out the devastating news that Lena only sees her as a ‘good fuck’, Kara just cried and cried and cried. Kara cried to the point where she didn’t think she was capable of crying anymore, and then she cried some more. All the while she was doing this she just locked herself in her bedroom, only leaving when she was momentarily able to get herself together to eat some food. When Winn and James asked Kara if she was okay through her bedroom door Kara just lied and said she was unwell and wanted to be left alone. Winn and James respected Kara’s wishes, although Kara is sure that they must have heard her crying. Kara continued to cry until Sunday evening. She knew what the next day would bring. It would bring her first encounter with Lena since her emotional turmoil erupted.
Presently Kara is sitting on her bed, having just finished eating her dinner. She has left 3 different plates on her desk in her room which she has collected over the last few days. Kara is trying desperately to stop herself from crying. She doesn’t want to cry in front of anyone tomorrow when she has to go to university, especially Lena. Kara knows that if she cries in front of Lena it would make everything even worse. Lena would probably distance herself from Kara as it would be clear to her that Kara really isn’t okay. Kara doesn’t want that. As much as it hurts that Lena just sees her as a ‘good fuck’, Kara still wants Lena in her life. As much as it may kill Kara going forward, Kara cherishes her friendship with Lena far too much to end it now. Ending their friendship may be the final nail in Kara’s coffin.
Kara begins to breath in and out, trying to stop herself crying. She is just so fed up of crying. She’s fed up of having all these emotions. The only thing emotions have ever done for her is hurt her. First with her parents dying in a fire, then with the horrible things Alex said and did a few months ago, and now with Lena. Emotions just suck. Kara doesn’t want them anymore. In fact Kara is so desperate that between her tears she Google’s ‘ways to stop emotions’. Kara clicks on a few pages and reads through them. Eventually she finds one page which she likes the look and sound of. The page mentions that to contain your emotions you could imagine little boxes in your mind. Then once you have those boxes you put all your emotions into them. You then put those boxes in more boxes and more boxes after that, until your emotions are tightly contained within several boxes.
Kara takes a deep breath and closes her eyes and then attempts the idea. She imagines putting all her emotions in regards to Lena in a box. Then she imagines putting all her other ‘stupid’ emotions in a few other boxes. She then imagines those boxes being contained in other boxes, and then those other boxes being contained in other boxes again. Kara imagines so many boxes that eventually her emotions are buried deep within over 20 boxes. Kara opens her eyes and breaths out. She feels better, much better. She doesn’t feel happy or anything like that, but she doesn’t feel sad either. She just feels nothing, which is fine by Kara.
Kara takes a few more moments as she sits there in silence. Eventually she looks over and notices her dirty plates from the last few days. Kara gets up off of her bed and heads over to her desk and grabs the plates. Kara makes her way out of her room and downstairs into the kitchen. Once Kara enters the kitchen she begins to clean her plates, almost robotically. Kara doesn’t think of anything while she cleans her plates, just that she has a task and needs to clean them. After a few minutes Winn comes up from behind Kara.
“Kara! There you are!” Winn says with a smile.
Kara turns around and gives Winn and emotionless look.
“Yes, hello Winslow.” Kara nods and then turns back around to continue to wash her dishes.
Winn gets a frown on his face.
“Uhhhh, Kara? Are you okay? You sound.... strange.” Winn asks, confused.
Kara finishes washing the dishes and turns off the tap, placing the clean dishes on the draining board. She then turns around to look at Winn.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Kara nods, emotionless again.
“Uhhh..... okay.....” Winn replies, not convinced. “Anyway, James and I were about to watch a movie. Would you care to join us?”
Kara looks at Winn, still giving him a look with no expressions or any trace of any emotions on her face.
“Yes. That would be fine.” Kara replies after a brief pause.
“Great!” Winn says as his face lights up with a smile.
Over the next few hours Kara sits in the living room with Winn and James as they watch a movie. Winn picked the movie and decided that they would be watching a comedy. Throughout the movie Winn and James laugh at all the funny parts of the film, Kara does not. Kara doesn’t find anything funny. It’s just a movie. It’s not interesting. Once the film ends Winn turns to Kara with a smile.
“So what did you think Kara?” Winn asks.
“Nothing. I have no opinion on the film.” Kara replies.
Winn now glances at James out of the corner of his eyes and gives him a confused and concerned look.
“Uhh.... Kara? What’s going on? You’re not acting normal.” James asks.
“Yes, we’ve both heard you crying Kara. We’ve tried to respect your space and leave you alone. But clearly something is up.” Winn adds.
Kara looks between Winn and James, emotionless still.
“Everything is fine and under control.” Kara replies and then stands up. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I will retire.”
Kara nods at the two boys and then heads upstairs to her bedroom.
“Retire?” Winn says to James, “Something is seriously wrong with Kara.”
The next day Kara wakes up and feels the same, no emotions, no hurt. Kara prepares herself and then leaves the house with Winn in tow, their first class of the day being computer science. Throughout their journey to the university campus Winn tries with all his might to get an emotional response from Kara, be it a laugh or a surprised look, or something, but Kara gives him nothing. Winn and Kara make it to their lecture theatre and Lena is already inside, sitting in the row where they usually sit. As Kara sees Lena she doesn’t feel anything, no emotions, her boxes are holding.
“Hey guys.” Lena smiles as Kara and Winn take their seats.
“Hi Lena.” Winn smiles.
“Hello.” Kara nods, not looking at Lena, just getting the books out of her bag, to prepare for the lecture.
“Right.” Lena says, slightly concerned by Kara’s demeanour. Lena then leans in so that she is close to Kara. “I hope you are still okay with everything, after what happened?”
Kara turns and looks at Lena. An expressionless look still on her face.
“Yes, everything is fine.” Kara nods.
Lena smiles in response to this, clearly not picking up on Kara’s emotionless state.
“Great. Sam, Alex and Ruby are going out this evening. I was thinking you could come over around 6?” Lena asks.
“Yes. That would be acceptable.” Kara nods.
“Okay I....” Lena begins but is interrupted by the lecture starting.
Kara’s day goes on from there. She attends all her classes, writing down all the notes as usual. However for this particular day Kara doesn’t laugh or smile at anything, she remains completely emotionless. Just like a robot she works her way through the day as if she is just on cruise control. Kara is just going through the motions.
Eventually 6PM arrives and Kara heads over to Lena’s. For this particular occasion Lena seemingly isn’t interested in talking much, she just takes Kara in for a kiss and pulls her upstairs. Kara just goes with everything, kissing Lena back, although it lacks a certain amount of passion compared to their previous kisses. Kara and Lena then proceed to have sex once more. Kara just goes through the motions and completes all the steps she has in her brain that she knows she can do to bring Lena to a crescendo. Lena equally also pleases Kara. While Lena moans and screams when Kara is pleasing her, when Lena returns the favour Kara’s sounds are muted, just a hum. Eventually the two come apart. Straight after they finish Kara gets up and begins putting her clothes on, preparing to leave.
“What.... where are you going? We not going to cuddle or talk or anything?” Lena asks with a sound of hurt in her voice.
Upon Kara hearing Lena’s voice this way it suddenly strikes a nerve with Kara, she feels something inside her for the first time all day. She feels annoyance. However it’s not just annoyance. The annoyance grows and reminds Kara of her other emotions, of her hurt, of her heart ache. The boxes that Kara tried to contain all her emotions suddenly burst open. It’s like a tsunami, overwhelming Kara. Kara turns around to look at Lena, now with anger on her face.
“Why would I do that? I’m just a ‘good fuck to you’ not your girlfriend!” Kara snaps, very angry.
Lena looks at Kara for a moment.
“You’re upset.” Lena comments.
Kara explodes.
“Of course I’m upset!!!” Kara yells, “I thought that maybe you would feel something for me just like I do for you! But all along you’ve just been using my body, that’s it. I’m just a good fuck. Yet now you expect me to be a good fuck with all those strings attached! I’m not your girlfriend, you made that abundantly clear!!”
“Kara, I made it very clear of my intentions going into..... this.” Lena says as she gestures between the two of them with her hands.
“Oh yes you sure did! But who am I to expect that maybe, just maybe you would actually feel something for me! I mean we almost got married Lena!! I though maybe you did feel something for me. But I guess not. I guess you are not capable of it. Maybe you are just a Luthor like your mother and brother after all.” Kara sneers.
“How dare you!!!” Lena yells as she gets up from the bed and confronts Kara. “I told you those things about my family to bond with you, and you just throw it back in my face. All because I don’t want to be your stupid girlfriend! That’s pathetic!!”
“Pathetic!?!” Kara yells. “Yeah!!! Screw me for being pathetic for having emotions!! For feeling things!!! For not just pretending all the time!!! Yeah I’m the pathetic one!!”
“Pretending?! I have never pretended. Unlike you I have NEVER clouded any lines. I have made things clear!! I told you I don’t do relationships anymore!! This is on you!!” Lena yells.
“You really have such an ego that you think that it’s all my fault that this happened?! You think that it’s just what? Some sort of flaw with me?! A flaw that I actually have emotions!!” Kara yells. “Well you know what?! Maybe your right! Not because I have emotions, but because I have them for you!! I must be completely fucked up to ever feel anything for you!!!”
“Get out!!” Lena screams.
“With pleasure.” Kara replies and walks out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Kara storms her way out to the house and heads home. Once she gets home she goes to her room and slams the door. Kara then just begins angrily punching her bed, yelling with tears falling down her face.
Over the next few days things go from bad to worse for Kara. Lena has returned to her old ways on campus. Whenever Kara accidentally has come across her she hears Lena making snide remarks about her, just like she did when they first met. Then to top it all off on Kara’s journalism final article, the one that would determine her grade as to whether she would be top of her class and get the summer internship at CatCo, Lena decided to write and incredibly long comment criticising the writing style of the article and the contents of it. This absolutely infuriates Kara as Lena knew the importance of this article to her, she knew it would determine her grade. Kara had told her that. But still, Lena did it anyway.
Friday arrives and the week has been an absolutely miserable one for Kara. She’s been upset, heart broken, angry and everything in between, all because of Lena. The problem for Kara isn’t just Lena’s reaction and all the emotions that go along with it. The problem is as Kara has had time to think about everything, and how Lena has been reacting, Kara is pretty sure Lena is just acting this way to push Kara away on purpose. Kara is well aware that Lena’s automatic response when people get too close to her is to push them away by any means necessary. Then also if people do things that hits too close to home for Lena, or just strikes a nerve, Lena will lash out. This is what Lena did when she first met Kara. Kara is pretty sure this is what Lena is doing now. However, those thoughts don’t make Kara feel any better, they actually make her feel worse. As with those thoughts it makes Kara realise that there is a possibility that Lena actually does have feelings for her and is just lashing out at her because she wants to deny those feelings as some automatic response from her screwed up family and childhood. Then Lena has to lash out at Kara because Kara has hit certain buttons which have freaked Lena out. So that just makes Kara feel worse. Although Kara isn’t using this as an excuse for Lena’s actions. No matter Lena’s screwed up childhood, she should know better than to act the way she is acting. If she wants to deny feelings or push Kara away as an automatic response there are ways that Lena could have done that without being a complete asshole. But Lena didn’t do that. So despite Kara feeling worse for believing that Lena may have feelings for her, and this is all just an automatic response, Kara can’t give Lena an out for it. Lena’s response is still of her own accord.
Today is the second to last Friday of the semester. Due to that Kara actually doesn’t have any classes today. All she has for today is a meeting at 11:45 AM with her journalism professor, and then a debate team meeting at 12.
The meeting with Kara’s professor Kara is incredibly nervous about. In fact she has been so nervous her nerves have allowed her to forget about her emotional turmoil for a while. The reason Kara is nervous about the meeting is that in the meeting the professor will give Kara her grade for her journalism article. The one that will decide her final grade and ultimately if she will be top of the class and get to work as an intern at CatCo over the summer, Kara’s dream job. So Kara is incredibly nervous about all that. She knows that she is in with a pretty good chance of topping the class as she currently has a 5% lead over the student in second place. However Kara knows that all of that can change with the final article.
As for the debate team meeting, Kara really hasn’t had much time to even think about it. The group are meeting on a Friday because for some reason Lena decided to push it back from its usual Wednesday slot. At the time Kara didn’t care to argue about it because frankly being part of the debate team with Lena on it wasn’t something Kara is thinking she will enjoy anymore. Not to mention Kara’s mind has more important things to worry about than issues of the debate team for the next semester.
Kara arrives at the professor’s office promptly at 11:40 AM. Kara isn’t the type of person to knock on a door early as soon as she arrives, on the off chance that she can begin the meeting before it’s scheduled. So Kara waits the 5 minutes outside of the office, just pacing back and forth nervously. Kara carefully looks at her phone, basically counting down the seconds until 11:45. The second her phone clock changes to 11:45 she knocks on the professor’s door.
“Come in.” The professor calls out.
Kara takes a deep breath and enters.
“Ah, Miss Danvers, please take a seat.” The professor smiles.
Kara nods nervously and takes a seat on the opposite side of the desk from the professor. The professor is an older gentleman in his late 60s. He has a small stature with gray hair. However his most notable feature is he gives off the stereotypical ‘old man smell’. It isn’t exactly a bad smell, but it’s not a good one either. He just smells as if he hasn’t been out in the fresh air for decades, nor have his clothes. In fact Kara thinks that a big reason for the professor’s smell is the fact the suits he wears are clearly from over 30 years ago. They have long been out of style. But like a lot of older professor’s Kara has encountered on campus, they tend to wear their suits from decades ago.
“Right. So let’s get down to it. I don’t want to leave you in suspense or anything.” The professor begins. “Your final article was a good piece. I very much enjoyed reading it.”
Upon hearing this Kara takes it as a good sign and breathes a sigh of relief. Kara nods for the professor to continue.
“However, it was not your best work. Originally I was going to grade you 90%, but then as I do with all articles students post for my course, I read the comments. That’s when I came across one particular comment that was very critical about your article. And while I didn’t agree with everything the person wrote in their comment, there were some points the person made that held some degree of merit. So I then re-read your article and have decided to give you a 80% grade. That is still a B+, a very respectable grade.” The professor explains.
Kara is extremely angry. She’s angry at the professor for allowing comments on an article to change his grading at all, let alone by 10%. Then at the same time Kara is even more angry at Lena. Lena who purposely did this, knowing full well this could happen. But Kara knows she has to contain her anger. If she explodes in front of her professor that won’t do her any good.
“Soo.... what does this mean for my final grade?” Kara asks.
The professor sighs.
“I’m sorry Kara. You will not be the top of my class. I know how much you wanted to get the internship at CatCo. There are several other internships available at other reputable news organisations here in National City that I would be happy to give you a letter of recommendation for a summer internship though.” The professor says.
Upon hearing this news Kara is destroyed. Her hopes and dreams have basically been shattered, all because of Lena. All because of the women she loves, and she thinks may love her. All because Lena had to lash out at Kara because she can’t deal with her feelings and emotions. But at the same time Kara is incredibly angry, fuming even. More angry than she has been than at any point in her life.
“I.... thank you.” Kara says as she gets up abruptly.
The professor gives Kara a strange look, clearly seeing that Kara isn’t happy about the news.
“I understand you may be upset....” The professor begins.
“I’m not.” Kara lies cutting the professor off. “If you’ll excuse me I have another meeting to get to.”
“Yes. Okay.” The professor nods with a frown.
Kara then quickly exits the room and closes the door behind her, trying to keep her compose while her professor can still see her. But as soon as Kara is out of site she is steaming. She is so angry, and anyone can see it in her face. Kara then makes her way out of the building, stomping her feet in anger. She doesn’t care how she may look to any other students. Kara is just pissed off, and she’s a about to tear Lena’s head off.
Kara storms her way over to the other side of campus where the debate team meeting is going to be held. Kara finds the debate team room and pushes the door open hard, it bangs against the wall in response. Lena is already in the room, alone. Upon hearing this bashing of the door Lena turns around and looks at Kara.
“What the....” Lena begins as Kara storms over to her.
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!” Kara yells in Lena’s face.
“Calm down.” Lena says with a frown.
“CALM DOWN!?! YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!!! AND YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN?!” Kara yells.
“You’re being over dramatic.” Lena scoffs. “I hardly ruined your life just because I rejected you.”
“OH NO!! THAT’S ONE THING. BUT YOU RUINED MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU JUST HAD TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON MY ARTICLE. YOU KNEW HOW IMPORTANT THE GRADE FOR IT IS TO ME. BUT YOU LEFT A COMMENT CRITICISING ME ANYWAY! YOU COULDN’T BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING FOR ONE SECOND AND RESTRAIN YOURSELF!! ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE UPSET AT ME FOR HAVING FEELINGS FOR YOU AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH THEM!! YOU HAD TO WRITE THAT COMMENT, JUST TO ANNOY ME AND HURT ME! WELL CONGRATULATIONS, BECAUSE OF YOU MY STUPID PROFESSOR LOWERED BY GRADE FOR MY ARTICLE BY 10% COSTING ME MY DREAM SUMMER INTERNSHIP AT CATCO. SO YES, YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!! THE DREAM I’VE BEEN WORKING TOWARDS FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS ALL GONE IN A PUFF OF SMOKE BECAUSE I HAD TO MEET YOU!!” Kara screams.
Lena gets a look of realisation and guilt on her face.
“Kara I’m....” Lena begins, about to apologise.
“YOU KNOW WHAT?!” Kara interrupts, “I QUIT!! YOU WIN!! YOU HAVE THE DEBATE TEAM!! YOU’VE DESTROYED ME! I’M DONE! I’M JUST DONE!”
Kara then turns around and storms out of the room. Nia is standing in the entry to the room with a shocked look on her face, clearly having heard most of the conversation. Kara doesn’t even care, she just moves passed Nia.
“Kara wait!” Nia calls out, trying to run after Kara.
“LEAVE, me alone Nia. NOT now.” Kara says firmly without even turning around to look at Nia.
Nia just frowns and decides it’s best to leave Kara alone for now. She watches as Kara storms off out of the building and into the distance.