Chapter 2
Since the conversation in the park, something between them had shifted imperceptibly. Clarke would be scurrying across the schoolyard with Octavia, late for class, and she would catch sight Lexa cross the schoolyard, hands deep in her pockets, leaning against the low brick wall behind the gym, gaze cast downward. Clarke would feel the familiar flutter of her heartbeat in her chest and Lexa would catch her eye, the smallest of smiles dancing across her lips, her beautiful green eyes brightening.
In her English class on Wednesday morning, Lexa sauntered in late with little more than exasperated sigh from the teacher. She looked harried, paler, her hair more wild and unkept than usual. But when she met Clarke’s gaze she and sent her a self-satisfied wink before taking her seat at the back of the class. Clarke felt her mouth go dry, and hid her wide smile behind her hand before Raven noticed and nudged her under the table.
Clarke clasped these moments to her chest, folded and refolded them into intricate paper cranes, and stored them in her notebooks to take out later and examine in the different light of her bedroom. Lexa remained an enigma to Clarke, she was softer now, warmer too, but she always stood just out of reach, her edges distorted by the afternoon light.
Raven had noticed too, not the lingering stares and half-scribbled drawing in the edges of her notebook of sharp jawlines and intricate braids, but Clarke’s brightened mood. She laughed more often, and easier, she seemed lighter than she had been for a while.
“You’ve cheered up, Griffin.” She gave Clarke a knowing look, and Clarke hoped that her face did not give anything away. It wasn’t that she ashamed of having such a desperate crush on Lexa Woods or that that she was ashamed for having a crush on a girl. Although she hadn’t told her directly, she assumed Raven had intimated from all her early adolescent make-out sessions with girls that she wasn’t strictly heterosexual. But she enjoyed the secret smiles that Lexa and her shared, the playful glint in her forest green eyes and she wasn’t quite ready to have her crush on Lexa Woods examined under the cold harsh light of day, or under the piercing gaze of Raven Reyes.
“Yeah, I think the weather getting better has really cheered me up…” Clarke said, weakly, scrambling for something to say.
Raven raised an eyebrow and made a noncommittal noise, entirely unconvinced. Clarke ignored her, pretending to be deeply interested in her history textbook.
Some nights, Clarke would excuse herself from dinner early to go for a walk to get some air and clear her head. She loved her mother, but the constant monologue of homework and thinking about your future made her headache, the taut string of her patience stretched over its threshold. She would stalk the familiar tree-lined streets, the mountain in the distance, enjoy the cool sting of the early spring air.
One night, she was walking the perimeter of the familiar playground when she caught sight of Lexa out of the corner of her eye. She was perched underneath the awning of a building site that was closed for the day, her feet leaning on a pile of large cinderblocks. Clarke could a see a spiral of smoke, Lexa’s head pulled low and her dark clothing making her almost disappear into the shadows and fading light.
She paused, skirting around the edge of the building site. Lexa, even with her small smiles and lingering glances, still reminded her strongly of a cat, cautious and skittish and Clarke gave her a wide berth.
“Hello Clarke,” She heard Lexa’s voice, low and gravelly from a few metres away.
“Lexa?” She said, feigning surprise.
“I know you saw me, Clarke.”
Clarke smiled, enjoying the game. “Good hiding place, Lexa. I almost didn’t.”
“I didn’t know you took so many night-time walks…”
“I enjoy the scenery.” It was Lexa’s turn to smile at this, amused, her face illuminated by the slim glimmer of moonlight.
“Do you want to sit with me?” Clarke nodded and Lexa held her hand out from the pile of cinder blocks and pulled Clarke up to where she was sitting. Clarke felt her hand in Lexa’s, her warm breath on her cheek, she could smell the smoke on her breath as Lexa made space for her.
She pulled out a bottle of something in a brown paper bag and passed it to Clarke. Clarke shot her an unamused look, before shrugging and taking a swig. The liquid burned in her throat, causing her to splutter. It wasn’t the first time that Clarke had drunk alcohol, but usually it was diluted heavily with mixers and she was primed for it on a weekend.
Lexa laughed under breath, and Clarke winced before passing it back. “Strong,” she said.
Lexa shrugged good-naturedly and took a swig herself. “It does the job,” she said. She was looking at Clarke, a small smile on her lips, her hair was pulled back into beautiful intricate braids, her skin illuminated by the sliver of moonlight above them.
Clarke shivered involuntarily against the cold spring air and the feeling of Lexa so close.
“Are you cold, Clarke? “ Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded, mutely. She pulled her body closer to Clarke, wrapping her jacket around both. Clarke could feel the press of Lexa’s body against hers, the uneven ripple of her breath against her chest. “Better?
Clarke made a noncommittal noise, allowing herself to be enveloped in Lexa. She could smell her, underneath the arid tint of smoke, earthy and sweet, like molasses. She could feel Lexa’s steady heartbeat against her skin, and her own ragged breath. They weren’t very high up, but they could see the outline of the treetops above the park and last swells of pale blue before the sky turned an austere navy.
“What are you doing here, Lexa?”
Lexa pulled away slightly, picking at the end of her fingertips. “It doesn’t really matter where I go, as long as it isn’t there.”
Clarke took a deep breath, feeling her heart break along entirely new fault lines at the look on Lexa’s face.
Lexa smiled, half exhausted. “Strategic absences,” she said.
She coughed, slightly under breath, willing the conversation to shift in another direction, barely able to meet the sadness in Clarke’s gaze.
“Why don’t you leave, Lexa?”
Lexa smiled at that, a resigned smile.
“I have eighteen months.” She said. “Eighteen months until I finish school and I can get out. I don’t want to go into the system. I’ve seen it before, it will create so much disruption, so much paperwork. I need to finish high school and then…I can leave. I can survive until then.”
Clarke didn’t know what to say to this, she swallowed the lump in her throat. Lexa’s gaze was pleading, exhausted, but determined.
“I have places to go, I am not there very often…” She said, almost reassuring. “I have it handled, Clarke. You don’t need to worry.”
Her voice cracked slightly, and she took another swig from the brown paper bag. Her eyes were shining and Clarke could see the steely determination in her face.
“…an abandoned building site at night time is not a place to go, Lexa.” She wanted to accept Lexa’s determined tone, but the anger that rose in her at the injustice of it all spurned her on.
Lexa shrugged, and slow smirk returned in her face. “Well, I don’t usually have company…”
Clarke couldn’t help but smile at this, despite the rising rage inside her. “Lex-…”
Before Clarke could utter out a retort, Lexa kissed her.
It was sudden and slow, and Clarke was forced to swallow the response on her lips, almost unable to breathe. Lexa’s lips were so soft and she was surprisingly gentle, holding Clarke’s hand in hers. Clarke kissed her back and she felt time standstill, her heart pounded like staccato gunfire in her chest as she felt herself sink further into Lexa. The smell of her and feel of her warm skin, the softness of her lips and her hot breath in the airless night. Finally, Lexa pulled away and leaned her forehead against Clarke’s, a smile that she hadn’t seen before on the corner of her lips.
“Fuck,” Clarke said, breathless. She finally allowed herself to exhale, terrified that the moment would slip from her fingers like sand.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time…” Lexa said quietly.
“…really?” Clarke said. She could barely believe what she had just said. Lexa Woods, all sharp edges and dark leather and been wanting to kiss her for so long.
Lexa’s smiled widened, and she brushed lips against Clarke’s cheek. “Of course, Clarke. You’re beautiful – but you always seemed untouchable to someone like me.”
Clarke’s skin burned, and she felt her heart break again, similar rivulets along her ventricles, and she felt her hand tighten around Lexa’s.
Clarke kissed her, desperate almost, fingering the back of Lexa’s braids. She felt like she had been drowning, suffocating, and kissing Lexa was breathing deep, gulping gasps of air she didn’t know she had deprived of until now. She felt a moan die at the back of Lexa’s throat as she deepened the kiss, deep and husky that made her whole body vibrate.
Lexa pulled away, her voice low and gravelly. “Clarke…it’s late. Let me take you home.”
Clarke nodded, unconvinced. She was lost in a haze and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her days perched on this pile of cinderblocks, lost in Lexa. She wanted to spend hours under the smattering of stars and the crescent moon, lost in the taste and feel of LexaWoods. But the air felt icy now, and it was getting later and she knew she was right.
Lexa jumped from their alcove and helped her down. Her fingers twisting around Clarke’s, pulling her closer.
She walked her to her door, saying very little, still absorbed in the feeling her finger rubbing circles on the back of her palm and feeling of her skin against hers.
Lexa kissed at the door to her house, quickly and with the shadow of a self-satisfied smile on her face.
Clarke sighed as she closed the door behind her, watching the sauntering figure of Lexa Woods disappear into the darkness, her hands buried in her pockets and her head held high against the cool spring air.
****
Lexa awoke slowly, a dull ache emanating from the back of her head, down her spine. She was warm though and the images of last night filtered back to her. She had left the house, quickly and quietly to avoid interactions with her father. She had contemplated some of her favourite haunts, the library, a bar downtown that never checked ID, the playground. She had intended to sit on the swing, maybe read something until it got late enough and she could slip into her bed without anyone noticing her. She had settled on the empty building site adjacent to the park, it was hidden and dark and she enjoyed the height and anonymity of it. She smoked and took the occasional swig of whiskey, watched the last of flecks of pink and orange cloud fade into the darkened haze.
She had spotted Clarke well before she had noticed her, her figure bent against the cold, her blonde hair like spun like sunlight and her blue eyes, bright and piercing. Clarke Griffin, who made her heart feel like it would burst out of her chest. Clarke Griffin who always managed to pull the smallest of smiles from her, no matter how sour and dark her mood.
She had kissed Clarke Griffin, perched on the side of the world and Clarke Griffin had kissed her back. Lexa smiled to herself, allowing the last haze of sleep to wash away. Clarke Griffin had kissed her back.
She felt lighter today, and the day seemed easier. She avoided her parents and made her way to school well before the school bell. She found John Murphy before her first class, leaning against the brick wall of the gym and eating an apple.
“Hello, Woods.” He said, nodding.
“Murphy…” She said, returning his nod.
“What have you got first?”
“Science.”
He groaned in response. “My least favourite…”
She shrugged, barely cognizant of the conversation. Her gaze was fixed on the large expanse of students that was slowly ambling into the main administration building. The building was the oldest in the school, with art deco curves and a red brick exterior. It was pretty, shaded by yawning Eucalypts and a large maple tree. She was looking for Clarke, hoping to catch sight of her before the first bell rang. There was a small part of her that felt like last night had been a dream, and barely dared to believe that the look Clarke had given when she kissed her back meant anything.
She caught sight of her, her heart lodged in her throat. Clarke was lost in conversation with Raven and Octavia, laughing at something one of them had said to her. Lexa averted her gaze, scuffing her boot on the worn bitumen as John muttered something to her about their science homework.
Clarke looked up, catching her eye. She looked at Lexa, raised an eyebrow and gave an almost imperceptible nod, indicating towards the bathroom. Clarke then said something inaudible to her friends, swung her bag over her shoulder and made her way towards the toilet on the side of the administration building.
Lexa moved quickly in response, she nodded to John and said something under her breath about needing to use the toilet before class. John shrugged, taking another bite of his apple.
As soon as Lexa opened the door, Clarke launched herself on her, pushing her against the toilet door and kissing her hard. Lexa was taken aback momentarily before she responded with gusto, her hands in Clarke’s hair, her arms around her waist. She was kissing her, her tongue was in her mouth and her breath on her neck. Lexa could almost hear Clarke’s name on her lips, desperate and hungry. Clarke had pushed her against the door, barricading themselves in the toilet. She didn’t even mind the smell of sour urine and cheap detergent that met her nose, distracted by the feel of Clarke’s skin, scorching, against her own.
Clarke only pulled away from her, her breath ragged and uneven when the first bell rang.
“Wow, Clarke.” Lexa said.
Clarke smiled at her, a mischievous glint in her eye.
“I saw you, looking like this this and skulking behind the gym.” She gestured to Lexa’s face and her leather jacket. “…and I couldn’t resist.”
Lexa laughed, still catching her breath.
“I’ve got to go,” Clarke said. “Or I’m going to be late…”
Lexa nodded, swinging her own bag over her shoulder and hoping her face wasn’t as red and flushed as she expected it to be.
Clarke leaned forward, kissing her once more, deep and lingering. “Walk me home later?”
Lexa nodded back at her, tightening her grip on the strap of her bag, entirely lost for words.