HELL IN HEAVEN
When Yeji wakes up the following day there is little light shining through her bedroom window. Outside there is a cloudy sky, coloring the world in gray nuances. When looking herself in the bathroom mirror Yeji meets a pale face. No make up in the world can cover the bleak energy radiating from her. Its almost as if yesterday sucked out all her energy, only leaving a lifeless façade for the world to meet. However, her insides are nothing but lifeless. Her thoughts are whispering a million things to her while her mind does its best to sort the words out. Will her parents really stop supporting her? They couldn’t have been fully serious? It must have been an exaggeration in the heat of the moment? Right?
The growing uncomfortable lump inside her tells Yeji that so might not be the case. However, she cannot know for sure until she faces them.
Yeji throws a quick glance at her phone, noticing the clock. It’s breakfast time for her parents, they should both be in the kitchen by now, like any other Saturday morning.
Still in pajamas and wrapped in her soft bathrobe Yeji descends the stairs. When opening the kitchen door she can confirm her theory. Both her parents are sitting around the kitchen table. Her father is looking at his phone while eating a bowl of yoghurt and müsli. On the other side of the table sits her mother and reads a book while chewing on her sandwich.
Yeji takes a deep breath and walks up to the kitchen table. Here it goes. It’s time to try them, see if their words from yesterday were actually true.
“Good morning.” With her brightest smile and most friendly voice Yeji greets her parents. She is met by complete silence. There is no trace of them taking any notice of her. Not a muscle moving any differently in their faces, no postures getting tense, nothing. Instead they keep on chewing their food. Well, perhaps they were just too focused on their reading. They will surely give her a response if she sits down to eat with them.
With tears lurking behind her eyes Yeji prepares herself a sandwich and a cup of hot tea. She sits down at her usual spot next to her mother. Then her father switches position, he puts down his phone and looks up. Yeji’s heart makes a little jump and she immediately directs her gaze towards him. She notices him staring right at her mother when he speaks up and asks her about a TV-show they are following. Jiheun lowers her book and looks at her husband before answering. Yeji closely listens to their conversation, taking in every word. She must be able to ad something. They have talked about the show numerous of times before so Yeji has knowledge about it.
Then Yeji find the perfect opportunity and strikes.
“To you think he will get to keep his job?” She asks with a loud and clear voice. It’s impossible for her parents not to have noticed her this time. However, their reactions to her words are the same as before, none existing. The dagger put into her heart is being pushed further inside and the pain is physical. If she stays here for much longer she will burst out in tears, and that is nothing she wants her parents to witness.
With hasty movements she clears her dishes, finishing the last piece of her sandwich while standing over the kitchen sink. Then she exits the room, still hearing her parents discuss the topic as if she were never there. Will they always be treating her like this? Like thin air? As if she doesn’t exist? All because she likes girls in a way they don’t want her to? It’s stupid, right out ridiculous. How can they do this to her, their own daughter? How can people do this in general? Why do they even care? Isn’t this her business only?
With her emotions dragging her further down the mud she walks up the stairs. In the hallway Yeji meets her brother. He is standing in the door opening to his bedroom, still with his hand on the door handle. With teary eyes Yeji meets his gaze, staring into his eyes and watching them get filled with compassion.
“Umm,” He starts, seemingly looking for words. “How are you doing?” A forced smile spreads over his lips and Yeji feels the same appearing over her own. She just wants to enter her room and let her tears flow freely. Still she wants her brother too know, wants him to send her comfort. Unless she tells him about what happened he won’t be able to support her.
With a slight sigh she therefor goes closer to her brother, not wanting their parents to hear the upcoming words.
“Mom and dad are ignoring me. I tried to talk with them during breakfast, but they acted like I didn’t exist.”
Hyunjin makes a troubled face but doesn’t say anything, just stands there. Well, now he knows and she can take her leave. With her tears still lingering behind her eyes she enters her bedroom and closes the door behind her. With her back leaning against the door she exhales deeply. What is she going to do now?
Then she hears a buzzing sound from her phone. It’s laying on her nightstand table and Yeji cautiously makes her way over there. She picks up the phone and looks at the bright screen. Yeji’s heart skips a beat when seeing the familiar name being displayed alongside a message. Shin Ryujin, the one person that can wipe out every energy draining thought from Yeji’s mind and replace them with a heavenly feeling. In the message Ryujin asks how Yeji’s doing. Yeji can’t hold back the urge of calling her and quickly unlocks the phone to do so. It doesn’t take more than one signal for Ryujin to pick up.
“Hi.” Ryujin says in the other end.
“Hi.” Yeji answers and feels how just the sound of Ryujin’s voice eases her tense nerves and pushes back the tears.
“How are you holding up?”
Yeji sighs as she sinks down on the side of her bed. “My parents are ignoring me. I went down to eat breakfast with them and they didn’t even look at me. I just told my brother about it, but he just looked at me in pity and didn’t say anything.”
“He feels for you, because he loves you.” Ryujin’s tone is serious. Still Yeji can’t help but to let a laugh slip over her lips, which relaxes her nerves even more. Ryujin’s words sounded so incredibly cheesy, yet Yeji genuinely believes them. She saw the honest worry that was laying behind Hyunjin’s brown eyes, and if he were in her position she would have felt for him too. Even though they don’t hang out much these days their bond is still strong and Yeji would fight for her brother if she had to.
“Are you still there?” Ryujin says in the other end of the phone and thereby brings Yeji back into reality.
“Yes, yes.”
“If you want to we can meet up after I have finished studying?”
“I would love to.” As she utters those words she feels deep in her heart how true they are. If Ryujin only knew just how much she lights up her days.
They hang up with the promise from Ryujin to call when she is finished. Smiling over the upcoming meeting Yeji starts to clean her room, because she needs some sort of distraction and then she might as well be productive. Just as she has finished vacuum cleaning her phone rings. Is it Ryujin, already? Did she give up on studying?
Yeji goes up to her phone which has been laying on her desk. It seems that she was wrong in her guess, the display says Jisu.
“Hello?” Yeji answers while sitting down on her bed once again.
“Hi, you sound out of breath, what are you doing?”
“I just finished vacuuming.”
“Right, cleaning.”
“Mhm.”
A silence embraces them, not uncomfortable or anything, more like they on both ends are thinking. Yeji is doing her best to keep the negative thoughts at a distance, but it’s hard. Thankfully the silence only remains for a few seconds, because then Jisu speaks up.
“What are you doing tonight?”
“I’m going to see Ryujin.”
“Really?” Jisu sounds surprised. “I thought you tried to be lowkey.”
Yeji takes a deep breath. Perhaps it’s time for Jisu to hear of yesterday’s event? She is after all Yeji’s oldest friend and someone who always has Yeji’s back. And so it all slips out of her mouth, everything from the sex to the choice of standing up to her parents. Jisu gasps and expresses her emotions at exactly those moments Yeji would have guessed. Yeji realizes just how well she knows Jisu, for her she is predictable, which gives Yeji a feeling of comfort. She always knows where she has Jisu, no big surprises will come and turn the tables. Jisu is someone Yeji can trust to stay by her side through good and bad.
A lump of guilt suddenly forms within Yeji. During these last weeks she has kept a lot of secrets from Jisu. She never got to take part of Yeji’s internal struggles with her sexuality or her parents’ reactions to it. It was first when Jisu caught Yeji bare handed shouting at Ryujin that Yeji was forced to tell her about the situation. It’s not fair. Jisu deserved to know, she would probably even have been able to help. Her mind is constantly full of ideas to solve all the world’s problems. But it has been hard for Yeji to open up to others, it took long enough to do it with Ryujin. Perhaps, if Hanguk wouldn’t have come to ruin it all, she would have told Jisu eventually. At least she wants to believe so.
“I’m sorry.” Yeji says when Jisu finally leaves an opening after having ranted about how unfair Yeji’s parents are.
“For what?” Jisu wonders, seemingly confused.
“For not telling you about this earlier, all of this.”
“Don’t think about that.” Jisu says in a light voice. “What’s important is that you are feeling okay right now. Are you?”
“I don’t know. There are a lot of things going on inside my head.”
“I can imagine that. If you ever need someone to talk to you can call me, do you understand that?” She suddenly sounds like a strict teacher lecturing her student and Yeji can’t help but to laugh quietly at her. When they hang up Yeji finds herself smiling. She has all these wonderful people around her. Her brother, Ryujin, Jisu. These are people who love her for who she is, not who she was or tried to be. She might have lost her parents’ love and affection, but as long as there are others to fill that void Yeji knows she can continue living her life relatively unproblematic. Of course it won’t be easy, her parents are after all a big part of her life, especially since she is still a minor and in need of their economic support. However, Yeji has made the choice of staying true to herself and hopefully, in the long run, it will end up being the right choice. As for now, Yeji doesn’t want to think any further than a couple of hours into the future, because then she will be in Shin Ryujin’s loving arms again.